Lurker here - sex dilemma

[countthestars]

Do you initiate and get turned down or are you waiting for him to initiate?

[suzubell]

You're wrong in saying that women don't face this problem -- lots here have gone through it so no need to be humiliated. These things ebb and flow in the course of a lifelong relationship.

I think you just have to find a good time to bring it up and find out what is going on. For us, he didn't even really realize how infrequent it was because he was struggling with depression and work stress at the time. Talking about it helped us work through it.

[somersault72]

I would definitely talk to him about it, especially since you sound like you're starting to get resentful. Try not to be embarrassed--I think this happens more often than you realize. At this point in our relationship I'm defintely the one with a higher drive. Maybe you guys could talk about scheduling sex. So not sexy, I know, but if you do that for a little bit, then maybe you guys will get your groove back. Either way you DEFINITELY need to talk to him. Good luck!!

[DarcyLongfellow]

Have you asked him about it? I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, but there's a very, very big chance that it has nothing to do with his feelings for you.

Low libido can be caused by all sorts of things -- depression, medication, self-esteem issues, and I'm sure a whole host of other things.

I guarantee you he's aware that you haven't had sex as often recently. So I don't think you'll blindside him by bringing it up. I absolutely would not feel humiliated!! 1

[countthestars]

Oct 12, 2015 8:49:28 GMT -5 emilydickinson said:

Oct 12, 2015 8:44:46 GMT -5 countthestars said:

Do you initiate and get turned down or are you waiting for him to initiate?

I guess I initiate non-verbally. I'll just start touching him and seeing where it goes. A lot of times he acts like it is nice that I'm touching him, but just turns over. 

Maybe it's not sexual enough. Maybe I should ask with words?

he never initiates with words. It all just goes well usually when he initiates. 

I would bring it up with him. Not in an accusatory way - maybe something like "o feel like we haven't had the same physical connection lately. Is there anything you'd like me to do differently?" And see where it goes. Try to keep it as a "we" conversation and not "you haven't been into it" so he doesn't feel attacked.

[Deleted]

Any other signs/symptoms of depression?

[gibbinator]

Is there something different going on in your lives right now that's adding stress or causing exhaustion?
I know anytime we've gone through dry spells, whether it's me or dh that has been the less interested party, there tends to be situational stressors.

At this point I'd just try to get a conversation going about it. Maybe he just isn't picking up on your cues because he's distracted/tired but would be into it if he knew your intentions more clearly. Do a love languages test and see if you can get more connected.

[brandienee]

Honestly, it sounds like you need to talk about it. Don't be afraid to address how you feel. DH and I go through these, and usually its when one of us is stressed out or busy, or just not feeling well.

I hope that you find what you need.

[teatimefor2]

How old are your children? Honestly, relationships ebb and flow. Sometimes DH and I do it a lot, other time, like none with two young kids, his demanding job and other demanding issues: it's like three times a month. We are both okay with that, as we both know it will change on the future when life does.

You need to talk about it; in my opinion, you don't have sex a lot if the lines of communication are not open.

Hugs, everyone's desire shift and sometimes you have the highest drive and sometimes he will. It's a myth that all men want is sex all the time.

[imojoebunny]

Oct 12, 2015 9:08:08 GMT -5 teatimefor2 said:

 It's a myth that all men want is sex all the time.

This.  You should bring it up, outside of the bedroom, since your not happy, but do not feel like there is necessarily something wrong.  People seem to love to perpetuate this myth, but it is not true.   

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2015 9:08:08 GMT -5 teatimefor2 said:

How old are your children? Honestly, relationships ebb and flow. Sometimes DH and I do it a lot, other time, like none with two young kids, his demanding job and other demanding issues: it's like three times a month. We are both okay with that, as we both know it will change on the future when life does.

You need to talk about it; in my opinion, you don't have sex a lot if the lines of communication are not open.

Hugs, everyone's desire shift and sometimes you have the highest drive and sometimes he will. It's a myth that all men want is sex all the time.

Tea is very wise here.  

It's not your fault and I know it's hard not to be resentful but chances are it has nothing to do with you. Like Tea said, relationships ebb and flow. I know mine definitely has and we also have streaks where one of us wants sex all the time and the other just isn't interested. It has more to do with life than our feelings for each other so we try not to make it about that. I have 2 kids and a day job and a lot to manage since I solo parent a ton. I love H with my heart and soul but the end of the day I'm damn tired and want to be left the hell alone. He works 13 hours a day if not more, managing people and keeping a farm running. He's busy too and doesn't want to have to do one more thing sometimes even if it's "fun." 

It's normal and the older I get the more I realize the majority of people don't have a noteworthy sex life. At all. 

And your H may very well not realize your cues are for sex. I'm a pretty cuddly person. I have to tell H I flat out want sex because he never knows if I want to snuggle or have sex and he doesn't want to choose sex and then make me fell bad when I just want to snuggle...lol. Vicious circle. H isn't at all touchy feely so when he reaches for me I know it's about sex. 

You can totally bring this up nicely with a "Hey, let's talk about our sex life. What's up? How do you feel about it?" 

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2015 8:49:28 GMT -5 emilydickinson said:

Oct 12, 2015 8:44:46 GMT -5 countthestars said:

Do you initiate and get turned down or are you waiting for him to initiate?

I guess I initiate non-verbally. I'll just start touching him and seeing where it goes. A lot of times he acts like it is nice that I'm touching him, but just turns over. 

Maybe it's not sexual enough. Maybe I should ask with words?

he never initiates with words. It all just goes well usually when he initiates. 

Yeah honestly as I've gotten older I've realized that sex isn't and doesn't always have to be romantic like in the movies. I regularly ask "hey, wanna have sex?!" and go from there.

I agree that you should talk to him about it, but don't be afraid to use your words

[hocus2]

Sex does ebb and flow. I would check in outside the bedroom and see if there something going on with him that is making him exceptionally stressed or tired. You may need to be more explicit or try to schedule sex if you're really having a hard time. It may be better to try earlier in the evening.

[acr]

A good, non-accusatory way to begin the convo is "I love sex with you and I'd like to have more." If my parter said this to me in a dry spell, I would respond well (as opposed to other more petulant ways people can say it like "it's been weeks! You aren't giving it to me more!" Etc.

[Deleted]

I remember my H and I hadn't had sex in a while. It was awkward when we did it again. But afterwards both of us said 'why didn't you want to have sex for so long?' And then laughed as we realized we assumed the other person was out but really we just forgot to talk.
Anyway - normally we just say 'hey let's have sex now'.
And we never do it at bedtime. At bedtime, I'm already tired and I have to get up etc.

[SJ]

You aren't alone. My DH has never had a super high sex drive.

Honestly, right now we are both OK with not having sex very often, but then I feel weird because shouldn't he want it more? (according to who? I have no idea) Or what does it say about ME that he isn't attracted enough to me to want it all the time?

It can be a total mindfuck.

You aren't alone though! I hope you can start talking to him about it

[pinkyp]

It's very difficult not to take personally for me. Ditto others who suggest having an open, honest conversation. I also find that lurking on the DeadBedrooms subreddit from time to time really drives home the point that there are many women as well as men out there with the same issue. More than I ever realized! I wish the best of luck to all of us struggling with this.

[luv2rn4fun]

Yeah, you aren't alone. It's a myth that all guys want sex all.the.time. My DH thought he would want sex frequently (when we were engaged...we saved sex for marriage). He doesn't and his drive is much lower than mine. It is a constant struggle for us because he doesn't really work on it to reach a compromise we are both satisfied with. Since having C we've had sex 6 times (he's almost 10 months old)...sometimes I'm ok with it, other times I'm not and we talk about it.

As hard as it is not to take it personally, try not to. I know for my DH it's not about me or how he feels about me. Pre-TTC we scheduled sex and continued while TTC. That really seemed to help as we were both on the same page as to when we would have sex instead of constantly wondering if/when we would and me feeling hurt when I would initiate and he would turn down.

((hugs)). Talk to your DH. Hopefully it's just a season and things will pick up again after you talk and he understands your needs and desires to have more sex.