Come in if you were NOT the one who inititated the breakup

[jojoandleo]

I have been both the dumper (after a 4 year relationship) and the dumpee (with ex-FI) and my reactions were the same. I feel the way you react is more PESON specific than categorically specific. Just because I dumped my ex doesn't mean I didn't mourn the relationship. In fact, he moved on and had a new GF within a few months. I was single for almost 2 years.

You will get over your ex. It will take time. You will have days where you overanalyze and wonder what you did wrong and how you could get him back. You will have days were you hate him and want to set shit on fire.

As for dating-I personally see no problem CASUALLY dating whenever you feel ready. The problem is, if you CAN casually date. Some people SAY they are "casually dating" but end up with hard feelings because they are trying to fill the void left from the break up. It's important to be honest with yourself. I would say, stay away from a relationship for a while. For me, it took two years after my first ex, but only 6 months after XFI (granted, I was with the first for over 4 years, and with XFI only around a year and a half).

[1confused1]

While I was the one who finally pulled the plug on the marriage, I was not the dumper because his actions/behavior was the catalyst for ending the marriage.

I was so hurt by him and his choices that it made it easier to "get over" him. I will always miss the man he was and the life we had, but I know I wouldn't get that back even if we were still together. I have sympathy for him (he has made some choices that are going to affect him for the rest of his life), but I don't feel love or anything else for him.

As for dating, it's different for everyone. I started dating about a year and a half after we separated and have had 2 relationships in four years.

Are you in therapy? If not, it would probably be good to do it.

[cuddlyevil]

ITA with 1confused1 I was the one who said the words, but it was my stbx's actions that motivated it.

I was sad for a while, but I did much (not all) of my mourning while we were still "trying" to work it out. I was in therapy individually on top of our couples therapy, which helped me see what he was doing (or in this case, not doing).

He started dating right away, I gave myself 6 months to make sure the kids & I were okay. I had some flings, but nothing serious. I'm out there now, but my schedule makes it hard to find a guy willing to take a chance. I'm not in any hurry though, I love my life as it is right now--dating a guy would be a bonus, but it's not a requirement for my happiness.

[jojoandleo]

Oct 14, 2015 12:33:03 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

I need to work on getting some therapy set up. We had been seeing this one counselor (I started alone) but she is out of pocket and expensive (she was the most convenient for BOTH of us). I now need to find one just for myself and one with insurance but I am sort of dreading it and dreading telling her the whole story all over again. I know I should do it.

Can you ask your therapists for recommendations within your coverage?  Many will help you out.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Another 1 in 1confused1 camp

His actions were the shove I needed to GTH out w DD and the dogs. We weren't in a great spot to begin with but his relapse was the shove I desperately needed.

[redredwine]

I was the dumpee and it sucked, sucked, sucked. It came as a big surprise, however; we were really not that happy.
About 2 months in I was in that whole "empowerment" phase, where you're almost in survival mode early on so it's alot of "I'm going to rise above this! I've got this! Everything is FINE!! I'm READY TO DATE AGAIN. I WILL CONQUER!". Then I went on 2 FABULOUS dates and the guy called me out as saying he didn't think I was ready a few months in.

He was SO right. I then took a year off dating. I continued counseling (I used my work provided coverage for 2 seperate sessions of 6 sessions each, so it was $0 out of pocket!), worked on "me stuff" (ran a marathon, got into sewing, etc.) and when I was totally comfortable with just being "me" and me alone (except my dog), I started dating. For me, it was the right time. I needed lots of time to heal. It's different for everyone, but error on the side of "you need longer than you may think", IMO.

Now that I'm in a healthy relationship, I'm SO GLAD i had that time to myself. I LOVED my single time (dating wasn't always the easiest, but hey, looking back it was worth the ups and down).

[glynn]

I have been both. I left my first H because and it was a good 2 years before I felt like I could really date.

This time I was dumped by H and I am so ready to date. H is having an affair and this is not the first one. I was a wreck for about 2 weeks then I was ready to move on. It might be that we are still living in the same house but I can't stand to be around him and it is just getting worse. I have no desire for him. I one the other hand would like some male attention and I am dying because I can't. I have been getting so attention(talking/flirting) from some men but I do not feel like I can date because the divorce is not done. I was hoping that we would have agreement this time last week and that did not happen so now I am really struggling.

[cuddlyevil]

Oct 14, 2015 12:58:07 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Oct 14, 2015 12:56:00 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Can you ask your therapists for recommendations within your coverage?  Many will help you out.

I will feel like I am trying to cheat on her and I am asking her to tell me with whom to cheat. I think I'll just go and google up some random person with my insurance. I am mature like that. LOL

LOL. No, any therapist worth their salt will be totally okay with suggesting another therapist to see you individually. 

[brooke77]

A divorce hurts, regardless of who is labeled as the "dumper" or "dumpee". I initiated the divorce, but the relationship was not working. He is already dating (and was before we separated, I'm 100% sure) and I am not. I do not think how quickly he moved on has any reflection on the relationship we had or the love we shared. It's just a reflection of his personality and how different we process things.

Try not to focus on him. Focus on you. It sounds like therapy will be helpful.

[cam13]

I was with XH for 13 years when he left me. Our marriage was awful the last 2 years so while I was stunned and heartbroken, I've now realized it wasn't truly a surprise. I was a mess for 3 months, drank a lot and was very depressed but I turned a corner at that time and started working on myself. I started dating 8 months after our split.

He became repulsive to me around the 3 month mark and I hated seeing his name on my phone when he called or texted. I dreaded having to deal with him at all. He's still not my favorite person but we are civil. It's been 3 years since our split and I'm very happy.

And, just a side note, I never imagined being able to get over him but now I can't imagine what it would have been like if we were still together. I'm the best me I can be thanks to my divorce and I'm so very glad he left me.

[redshoejune]

I was the dumper, but my x treated me bad for a long time. Even though I made the decision to get out, I have had a lot of feelings like "why wasn't I good enough for him to treat me well," "what is wrong with me that I didn't deserve his respect," "if he treated me that bad no one else would ever want me or treat me well because I'm not worth it"

etc

I imagine that those are feelings a dumpee would feel too. Even though he treated me bad and I was the one who left, it has been a year and sometimes I still feel like he should be here.

[frontbutt]

I initiated the divorce, but it was a slooooow death of a(n 8 year) marriage. He basically ignored me until I couldn't take his coldness anymore.

Apparently, I am still getting over my ex. I only cry every other day now though, so...progress?

There are some other problems going on in my family right now, and I am surprised that I am able to accomplish my adult tasks on a daily basis. Most days I just feel like I exist.

[glitzyglow]

Although I filed for a divorce, I was initially blindsided when my exH suddenly moved out and began an affair. I was heartbroken and didn't take any action for 15 months. He was in and out, saying he loved me one day, saying he didn't want anything to do with me the next. It was hell. We had been together 10 years, married for 6 years.

Did you actually get over your ex eventually?
Yes. I think the good years and memories will always hold a special place in my heart, but I am over him. I don't have a desire to know him nor an interest in his life. It took me a few years to get to this place, but since time was what I needed, I'm glad I took it.

When did you come to a point where you didn't want to touch him at all and didn't care about what is going on with him at all?
From the day I found out about the affair...about 3 years.

How soon did you start dating?
I didn't start dating until our divorce was finalized (about 1.5 years after I found out he was cheating). I quickly discovered I wasn't ready and shut down all the dating sites. It was another year before I tried again, so it was about 2.5 years after the affair (and getting divorced during that time) when I started dating.