Interfaith parents?

[Deleted]

Your husband should read those damn books to her.

[drloretta]

I'm religious, DH is not. He is totally fine with us raising DD in my faith, as long as we expose her to other faiths and ideas. Which won't be hard, since both of our families run the gamut as far as religiosity goes.

I never expect DH to read any religious books to DD. I don't recalling him ever doing so. She has a few, and I read some of them to her, but would never say to DH, "Read her a religious book."

How involved is your DH in teaching her Catholicism? IMO it's going to be his responsibility, not yours.

[rex]

If he wants her to hear the books, he should read them.

But honestly, babies don't need religious books. It's not like she'll be able to truly grasp religion and make a decision for her self for MANY years.

[UMaineTeach]

I think that as she gets older, this will get trickier. Now, DH can just read them.

[pamela]

She probably doesn't care if your read the same book 2 nights in a row and why are all your "bedtime" books religious? I could see him saying just read it if she brought the book to you to read instead of turning her away. And ad libbing what I assume was a negative commentary isn't respecting your husband. If it wasn't negative I apologize for reading that into what you said.

[Deleted]

Can someone please explain to me what a religious bedtime book is like?

[Deleted]

May 16, 2012 20:43:05 GMT -5 toriwc said:

All of our books aren't religious, but as we alternate nights, DH inevitably chooses religious ones to end with. When he notices that I put them away and choose secular ones, I get the comments.

What the fuck?!

[Deleted]

You keep defending your husband.

He is being an asshole about this.

[UMaineTeach]

I am thinking that another quick and dirty solution is to have the books returned to the shelf every night and who's ever turn it is gets to pick a stack and then put them back - no more picking up the pile where the other left off.

It's ok if she gets repeats or never gets some.

[fuddyduddy]

I think the easiest solution is to have the reader choose the books s/he reads. The current system isn't working.

[barefootcontessa]

If reading books as a baby bothers you, it is going to be rough going down the road. Any idea why it is bothering you now and not before when you agreed your children would be raised Catholic? I can see your husband being upset if you are undermining him given your agreement.

[starlily]

I think it's a little unfair to flip the script on your H.

I'm a lapsed catholic. H it's.agnostic. We discussed this while engaged and he agreed not to hinder our kids' religious education, but he would not participate in it either. He has lived up to that since our daughter was born. And I have kept up my end of the bargain too by respecting his wishes and not forcing him to go to mass.

[Deleted]

May 16, 2012 19:37:50 GMT -5 toriwc said:

I agreed that DH could raise DD Catholic because that was super important to him.

Where did she promise to participate in the Catholic child-rearing?

[Heineken]

I think to make this situation work you are both going to have to make sacrifices and be flexible while being careful not to disrespect each other's beliefs. In the book situation, each parent should pick their own books. It's not fair of him to ask you to read them and honestly could be read as a bit manipulative on his part since he is setting you up to "have to" read them.
I was raised catholic which was completely dependent on my mother; my father was agnostic. It was never an issue that I remember.

[noodleoo]

May 16, 2012 20:52:06 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

If reading books as a baby bothers you, it is going to be rough going down the road. Any idea why it is bothering you now and not before when you agreed your children would be raised Catholic? I can see your husband being upset if you are undermining him given your agreement.

I have to agree with this. It sounds like you and H need to have a discussion about this. Neither of you are handling it well. He should respect you and not make comments about you not reading the books. You need to stand up for yourself on this. It sounds like he is trying to steamroll you into participating and you are letting him. Ifnoring it and and playing passive aggressive games about it will only lead to resentment and make it that much harder to deal with down the road.

[drloretta]

May 16, 2012 20:43:36 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Can someone please explain to me what a religious bedtime book is like?

We have several. One is a book of children's prayers for throughout the day. One is a selection of Old Testament stories, complete with little fabric figures to go with the stories (Noah, Jonah, David & Goliath). We have at least 1 or 2 children's Bibles, and a few stories (not necessariy bedtime stories but they could be used for that) that talk about God.

OP, perhaps this is your DH's subtle way of trying to introduce his religion to your DD so that it's a natural progression into more formal teachings as she gets older. As the religious one in my family, I found it somewhat awkward to initially introduce religion into books, prayers, conversation, etc. with DD, but it started to become more of a natural part of our day after a while. Not defending the guy, just trying to throw out another POV.

I think it's time for a come to Jesus (pun intended) about how you *both* plan to deal with the religion issue, and who's taking responsibility for what, and when. Ad libbing isn't going to cut it. Let him know then and there why you're uncomfortable, and figure out how to handle it.

As a funny aside, I do bedtime with DD and we end with bedtime prayers. She now yells "prayer" before nap and bedtime each day/night. I'm waiting for the time DH has to put her down and has to figure out what to do for prayer time.

[drloretta]

May 16, 2012 20:46:21 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

You keep defending your husband.

He is being an asshole about this.

Wait, why is he being an asshole? He sees his wife actively replacing religious books with secular ones, which seems like a passive aggressive move to me. And asks her to just read the last one, which I'm not saying is the pillar of communication skills either. But I wouldn't jump to "What an asshole! He wants 'God Loves Me' instead of 'Goodnight Moon'"

[Deleted]

May 16, 2012 22:36:06 GMT -5 drloretta said:

May 16, 2012 20:46:21 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

You keep defending your husband.

He is being an asshole about this.

Wait, why is he being an asshole? He sees his wife actively replacing religious books with secular ones, which seems like a passive aggressive move to me. And asks her to just read the last one, which I'm not saying is the pillar of communication skills either. But I wouldn't jump to "What an asshole! He wants 'God Loves Me' instead of 'Goodnight Moon'"

Really?

I see nothing passive-aggressive about reading secular books instead of religious ones. If he's reading the religious ones already, what's the harm of her reading the non-religious ones?

It's a choice that she's making. It's not a personal affront to him.

His insistence on her reading religious books makes him an asshole to me. She doesn't control what he reads. Why should he monitor what she reads?

[Deleted]

May 16, 2012 22:33:18 GMT -5 drloretta said:

As a funny aside, I do bedtime with DD and we end with bedtime prayers. She now yells "prayer" before nap and bedtime each day/night. I'm waiting for the time DH has to put her down and has to figure out what to do for prayer time.

What do you expect him to do?

[Jermys]

We're lucky to both be heretical non-believers. But even if one of us were a believer, we would still plan to give our children all of the information we can, and allow them to make their own decisions. So instead of saying "We don't believe in god(s)/religion/invisible friends.", we'll say "Mommy believes X and Daddy believes Y. What do you think?" and allow them to come to their own conclusions. I don't think it's right to force my beliefs or the lack thereof on my children.

[housegeek]

Just tell your husband you fear if you read her religious books she'll sense your cynicism and grow up a heathen like her mum.

Edit- my husband isn't religious, and I couldn't imagine making him read or feel bad for not reading Jesus loves me books.

[CallingAllAngels]

I am in a similar situation, but my kids don't have religious books, don't know who Jesus is and haven't been baptized (they are four and almost-2 years old). I don't have advice because we haven't figured it out except to ignore it.

When she receives the sacraments, are you going to skip mass then? I am really struggling with this myself because I am not happy with the Catholic church at all, but those were big days in my life and I would hate to not be a part of that ritual for my kids even though I don't believe in it. (I am not judging you, just trying to figure things out for myself.)

[IIOY]

May 16, 2012 20:52:06 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

If reading books as a baby bothers you, it is going to be rough going down the road. Any idea why it is bothering you now and not before when you agreed your children would be raised Catholic?

As a non-Catholic who agreed to raise our children Catholic, I had no clue what I was getting into until the kids actually arrived because our involvement with the church was nil up to that point. Frankly I assumed it wouldn't be too different from my experience, just a bit more ceremony and ritual.

Now that we are in the thick of it, I can see how someone could be taken aback. Catholicism is far, far removed from my experience with my relatively laid back religion. Even my H, who was raised a strict Irish Catholic and is the proponent of it all, refers to Catholicism as a cult. He's being bit TIC (I think) but it can still be a bit jarring to those of us who are unfamiliar and, in my case, were ignorant as to just how unfamiliar we were.

[drloretta]

May 16, 2012 22:41:22 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

May 16, 2012 22:36:06 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Wait, why is he being an asshole? He sees his wife actively replacing religious books with secular ones, which seems like a passive aggressive move to me. And asks her to just read the last one, which I'm not saying is the pillar of communication skills either. But I wouldn't jump to "What an asshole! He wants 'God Loves Me' instead of 'Goodnight Moon'"

Really?

I see nothing passive-aggressive about reading secular books instead of religious ones. If he's reading the religious ones already, what's the harm of her reading the non-religious ones?

It's a choice that she's making. It's not a personal affront to him.

His insistence on her reading religious books makes him an asshole to me. She doesn't control what he reads. Why should he monitor what she reads?

She stated she's seeing a religious book sitting there, and actively puts it away to specifically pull out a secular book. Why not just address the issue instead of doing that? It makes it seem like she's turning it into a personal affront to him.

ETA: My point was, they both need to taKe a step back and discuss this. Instead of him saying, "Read the book,", he needs to either explain why he wants it in the rotation or take resonsibility for reading it. And instead of her putting religious books away, she needs to say, "I'm uncomfortable reading religious books when I'm agnostic, and we need to figure out how to address this."

[locarb]

May 17, 2012 0:32:47 GMT -5 Jermys said:

We're lucky to both be heretical non-believers. But even if one of us were a believer, we would still plan to give our children all of the information we can, and allow them to make their own decisions. So instead of saying "We don't believe in god(s)/religion/invisible friends.", we'll say "Mommy believes X and Daddy believes Y. What do you think?" and allow them to come to their own conclusions. I don't think it's right to force my beliefs or the lack thereof on my children.

We're the same way. H was raised Catholic, went to a religious school,etc... and now he's anti-religion b/c his faith was forced on him.
Let your H read the religious books and change your current reading system to reflect the new way.

[lala]

I think the obvious short-term answer is to change the "system" for reading books at night. Like a PP said, put them all away each night and the reader gets to choose. Keep in mind, sooner than later, DD will choose her own books and she might choose the religious ones.

However, in the grand scheme of agreeing to let your DH raise your child in a faith that you do not participate in or believe in, this is small potatoes. Will you go to her sacraments? Drive her to classes and other activities?

I also think that when you come to an agreement like this, you are saying that you support your spouse in this endeavor. Support doesn't necessarily equal help, but it also doesn't mean to completely wash your hands of the matter either. Also, books about Psalm 23 and Noah's ark are teaching some basic biblical literature that are usually part of anyone's background, Christian or not.

[Melissa W.]

I'm the Catholic and DH has no religion (His mom was catholic but he was never baptized.)

We agreed that I could raise the girls Catholic but I would be responsible for making sure it happen. They were both baptized at 4 months old. Together we picked out god parents that reflect our values. (His brother, my cousin, his best friend and wife (my friend)) I take the girls to church weekly and do a lot of the explaining. Next year, when CCD starts, that is on me.

Funny story, our neighbor took 1st communion last weekend. DH didn't attend because he had to work. When he got to the party he said to me, "What do I say to him? This is a happy thing, right? Merry communion? Congratulations?" lol..

I think even though you don't believe the same things, you can still be respectful of your DH and DH can be respectful of your believes.

[dr.girlfriend]

My DH is very strongly Christian, but in kind of a private, non-churchgoing way. In fact, when we were first dating I didn't really know (and probably would have run screaming if I had) until he took a "What Simpsons Character Are You?" quiz and ended up as Ned Flanders. :-)

I am agnostic, in a pretty strong way. We both agreed to kind of raise DS in a relatively secular way while he is young, and then when he gets old enough to understand we'll answer any questions he has and if he wants explain our own points of view. I figure he'll slowly come to make up his own mind. I was okay with attending some kind of middle-of-the-road service (Unitarian or Quaker meetings seemed to me like they would be the best fit) but DH didn't feel that was necessary, as to him churchgoing is not a big part of the way he experiences religion.

Our biggest issue was when MIL was alive. She really wanted to push religion on DS -- getting him very religious books for every occasion, trying to make him watch religious videos, etc. Our general approach was that she could give DS anything she wanted, but we wouldn't show it / read it to him if we both weren't comfortable with it. He was still too young when she passed away for it to be an issue, but I can see how it might have been a big problem.

So, that's how we handle it. I don't say that's how you should handle it. I think if you agreed to raise DD as Catholic and are still okay with that, your DH should be in charge of her religious guidance. I don't think he should make you read religious material to her. I know I would choke on some of that stuff MIL had given us.

[anna7602]

The only "religious" books we read in my house are ones that are based on cultural celebrations. None of them say anything about soul-saving or anything like that. So, for example, we have a book about Hanukkah in which children are joyously standing around the table lighting the menorah and playing with dreidls afterwards while the parents and grandparents bring out big trays of potato latkes. As a Catholic, I have no objections to anything portrayed in the book and in fact, it mirrors what we actually do in our home when Hanukkah comes around.

And we have a book about Three Kings Day (Reyes in Spanish) in which the kids dress up as the Three Kings and talk about how they're bringing gifts of frankincense and myrrh to the Baby Jesus. There's no mention of the Baby Jesus being born to save our souls or that if you don't believe in the baby Jesus, you're going to hell. It's a pretty fun little story about the traditions surrounding an important celebration in the Catholic Hispanic world. DH and I don't mind reading either one to DD if she requests it.

I'm not sure what kind of "religious" books you have on your own child's shelf, but if you're uncomfortable with any of them, maybe they shouldn't be there right now. Just because you promised something in a vacuum before you even had a child doesn't mean you can't continue to explore how you feel about it.

[clickerish]

Maybe I'm just reading differently, but this post seems a lot less about religion and a lot more about power struggle. I was raised extremely religious from both parents, but there were nights without religious books. We had prayer time, we had Bible stories, but once again, if my father picked out a book about squirrels, my mother didn't grab a book about Bible squirrels and insist he read it instead.

It seems like he wants to not only raise your child religious but make you comply with it as well. Otherwise, why would he get all uptight that you are changing books out to read something else? But for your part, I'm actually surprised that you seem so adamantly opposed to the books (although I would be for other reasons) given that agnostics tend to be quite laissez-faire about religion in general. I mean, if you don't know if God exists/plays a role, who cares if you read the 23rd Psalm? Is it any different than talking mice?