*whispers* Hi...

[Deleted]

H is asleep and @courtneyloves pointed me here so here I am. I'm a semi regular on ML, I moved from the book board on the site that shall not be named to ML after the transition.

H is a functioning alcoholic and has been for 6-7 years. His preference is craft beer or Yuengling. He drinks on average a 12 pack a night, occasionally just a 6 pack of high ABV, and sometimes as much as a case at a time. It started as a hobby with the craft stuff but it took over quickly. I've been told it's hereditary and he was predispositioned. His bio father was an alcoholic and his maternal grandfather was an alcoholic.

He's often said he'd quit and even has for as long as a month but always starts up again. About a week ago he told me he was quitting because he didn't like how he felt anymore. He was drunk. I said I'd believe it when I saw it because I've heard that many times before. He didn't even go 24 hours that time.

I'm an enabler. I know it's awful. I know I shouldn't. It's hard not to. After tonight I'm going to try harder not to. I am waiting to hear from a former co-worker who's h is in recovery about going to an al-anon meeting. I'm also calling my therapist in the morning.

Other not as pertinent info: we're 6 weeks shy of our 6th anniversary. Both 29 y/o for a few more weeks. CFBC.

So...hi.

[Deleted]

What can I expect at al-anon?

[Deleted]

Hi. I'm glad you found the board. There are many who had experience with Al-Anon. This board doesn't get as much action as others, but if you keep checking back I'm sure someone will give you an idea of what to expect. I attend AA. What I can tell you about my experience is that no one could've said anything that was going to be stopped drinking until I was ready. Through Al-Anon you'll meet others in similar circumstances which is always comforting. You'll learn how to detach from his behavior and reduce your reaction to what you cannot control (his drinking).

Big big hugs. You were smart not to confront him tonight. I hope you can get a little rest tonight. I'm sure others will be along.

malibu is the moderator and a woman in a similar situation.

[SwimDeep]

Hi @kittensandkazoozles - welcome to the board I have attended al-anon, and I can tell you from my experience that they welcomed me with open arms. There was nothing but understanding, sympathy, and empathy. At the same time, no one pushed me to do anything that I wasn't ready to do.

I can't tell you that every al-anon group is like that, but that was my experience.

[Deleted]

Oct 17, 2015 15:32:23 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

Hi @kittensandkazoozles - welcome to the board I have attended al-anon, and I can tell you from my experience that they welcomed me with open arms. There was nothing but understanding, sympathy, and empathy. At the same time, no one pushed me to do anything that I wasn't ready to do.

I can't tell you that every al-anon group is like that, but that was my experience.

Thanks. I'm checking one out Friday. Xcw is going with me most likely. She's gone before. Her H invited mine to AA today but he thinks he can do this on his own. We'll see. He dumped all his beer this morning.

[flex]

Oct 17, 2015 19:10:43 GMT -5 @kittensandkazoozles said:

Oct 17, 2015 15:32:23 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

Hi @kittensandkazoozles - welcome to the board I have attended al-anon, and I can tell you from my experience that they welcomed me with open arms. There was nothing but understanding, sympathy, and empathy. At the same time, no one pushed me to do anything that I wasn't ready to do.

I can't tell you that every al-anon group is like that, but that was my experience.

Thanks. I'm checking one out Friday. Xcw is going with me most likely. She's gone before. Her H invited mine to AA today but he thinks he can do this on his own. We'll see. He dumped all his beer this morning.

Hi!  It's an excellent idea that you'll have someone going with you.  It's good to have support from someone who knows what to expect, because going into a strange (but good) environment can be intimidating.  : )

And if your H is a true alcoholic he will NOT be able to do it on his own.  But it's a perfectly natural way to think, so time will tell.  Most of us don't like to think we're different from other people.  Plus most of are stubborn and think self-will gets us through ANYTHING.  But just like a diabetic can't "will away" diabetes, neither can an alcoholic "will away" alcoholism.

[Deleted]

Wednesday is payday. We'll see if he can go without picking up a case of beer on the way home. I'm not very optimistic about it, we've been here before. I'm just finally st my wit's end. Xcw has been texting me daily readings from her alanon book and they are actually very helpful.

The last two days he's been ok but it's only been that, two days.

[malibu]

Hi! I'm glad you checked in over here.

Being the partner of an addict, well, sucks. My H went to rehab last year after he quit his job (or was fired, I've never actually known the truth). He came home at the end of July, remained jobless until January, and was drinking again by August 2014.

I've stayed, but damn if it isn't hard. I think at this point, if he is still drinking, it's so minimal that I can't tell. One of the most frustrating things as the partner is always having the paranoia in the back of your head. Is he? Is he not? Is my mind playing tricks on me? Am I making it (signs of drinking) up in my head?

I still, sadly, haven't gone to Al Anon. But I know that most meetings are incredibly supportive, filled with family and friends of addicts that are looking for help, guidance, and commiseration. I think it's awesome your xcw is willing to go with you. Having a friendly face you already know will make walking in to a meeting much easier.

[SwimDeep]

@kittensandkazoozles - I truly hope the best for you and your husband, but I also want to offer my own experience to you. I tried to quit on my own too. I've learned that people in AA call that "white knuckling" it. Going it alone is tough. Just to give you a heads up, he'll probably be really cranky and emotionally up and down as he detoxes.

If he mentions having trouble with cravings, try suggesting candy or juice or anything sugary to him. Alcohol is sugar based, so having some sugar will help stave off the cravings. Just a couple of thoughts

(((hugs)))

[Deleted]

Oct 19, 2015 11:11:12 GMT -5 @kittensandkazoozles said:

Wednesday is payday. We'll see if he can go without picking up a case of beer on the way home. I'm not very optimistic about it, we've been here before. I'm just finally st my wit's end. Xcw has been texting me daily readings from her alanon book and they are actually very helpful.

The last two days he's been ok but it's only been that, two days.

It's only been two days but it's a start. Glad your Xcw is lending some support.

[Deleted]

Tomorrow's payday. His car is out of commission and I'm not taking him to buy any. We'll see if he caves. :/

[Deleted]

Hasn't even asked for beer yet. I might cry if he manages to make it a week.

[Deleted]

I feel awful. No idea what to do

[morecowbell]

What happened? Was there a relapse episode? My H was white knuckling it for a few months and now he is back drinking again, but as a functional alcoholic (as I see your case is as well). Your last post here has me concerned, are you safe?

[SwimDeep]

(((((@kittensandkazoozles)))))

I hope you're alright. You can't control him or what he does. You can only control how you react to him. If you can get to an al-anon meeting you'll find so much support there. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

[Deleted]

Yeah. I'm safe. Sorry for the worry. Just very stressed. He's beyond pissed i made him quit.

[Deleted]

Fought again last night

[flex]

it's natural that he's pissed because you're "making him" quit. He'll stay that way until he decides he WANTS to stop drinking--until it's his idea to quit.

[SwimDeep]

flex is right @kittensandkazoozles so many hugs to you. Let him deal with his emotional backwash and find emotional support for yourself. I know I'm saying this a lot...but seriously - al-anon will help you so much!

[Deleted]

Oct 23, 2015 19:23:57 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

flex is right @kittensandkazoozles so many hugs to you. Let him deal with his emotional backwash and find emotional support for yourself. I know I'm saying this a lot...but seriously - al-anon will help you so much!

We had a small argument today about his drinking and my...herbal smoking. I've offered to quit and he said not to. I did today because he said I was being hypocritical. He's right. He said even though it helped my pain that beer helped his and it wasn't fair.

[morecowbell]

He is deflecting to distract you from the problem. My H does the same thing. At this point you need to establish boundaries as to what you find acceptable and stick with them. He is not going to change because you want him to, and even if he does, it will be likely for a short time and he will be brimming with resentment. All you can do is determine what you are prepared to deal with, lay it out for him calmly and then be prepared to follow through on what you need to do if he crosses your boundary.

And this all sounds great in theory, but I can't even follow my own advice. Hugs to you.

[Deleted]

Oct 23, 2015 22:45:46 GMT -5 @kittensandkazoozles said:

Oct 23, 2015 19:23:57 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

flex is right @kittensandkazoozles so many hugs to you. Let him deal with his emotional backwash and find emotional support for yourself. I know I'm saying this a lot...but seriously - al-anon will help you so much!

We had a small argument today about his drinking and my...herbal smoking. I've offered to quit and he said not to. I did today because he said I was being hypocritical. He's right. He said even though it helped my pain that beer helped his and it wasn't fair.

The bumps in the road are to be expected. He's in an angry stage and going to blame you because he can't drink. Not logical, but it's normal. I applaud your giving up mj to appease him. That may help in the short term, if you can do without mj. I know when I was done drinking, being around people drinking made me envious at the beginning. There is a part in the Big Book of AA that, as an alcoholic in recovery, I eventually incorporated into my thinking. The quote is this:

I used to get terribly upset when I saw my friends drink and knew I could not, but I schooled myself to believe that though I once had the same privilege, I had abused it so frightfully that it was withdrawn.

[flex]

Oct 23, 2015 22:45:46 GMT -5 @kittensandkazoozles said:

Oct 23, 2015 19:23:57 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

flex is right @kittensandkazoozles so many hugs to you. Let him deal with his emotional backwash and find emotional support for yourself. I know I'm saying this a lot...but seriously - al-anon will help you so much!

We had a small argument today about his drinking and my...herbal smoking. I've offered to quit and he said not to. I did today because he said I was being hypocritical. He's right. He said even though it helped my pain that beer helped his and it wasn't fair.

He raises a valid point about your mj, BUT...when I first sobered up, my SO drank "normally".  We eventually got married (and divorced).  His drinking NEVER bothered me because I knew, without  a doubt, I was NOT a normal drinker and I never would be.  His choice was his choice, but it wasn't mine and I never resented him for it.   I just "cleaned up my side of the street".

However, if it really bothers him that you're smoking, and if you want to keep the relationship intact (for now), then I think it's a good idea to forego the herbs.   But it has to be YOUR choice, KWIM?

[Deleted]

I have no problem quitting, flex and @courtneyloves, I just wish he told me before 1. I bought it and 2. when I asked repeatedly if he wanted me to quit. It was very sudden when he changed his mind. He also smoked occasionally, so it's not like it was something he didn't partake in. Oh well. I've stopped in the past, it's not an issue to do so now.

[flex]

Oct 24, 2015 11:07:50 GMT -5 @kittensandkazoozles said:

I have no problem quitting, flex and @courtneyloves, I just wish he told me before 1. I bought it and 2. when I asked repeatedly if he wanted me to quit. It was very sudden when he changed his mind. He also smoked occasionally, so it's not like it was something he didn't partake in. Oh well. I've stopped in the past, it's not an issue to do so now.

Since he's off the booze, he doesn't have a crutch and is a one big raw nerve.  Of course he hasn't brought up before.  Now that he's hurting, he's super sensitive.  

Please don't feel you have to make it about you: "it's my fault" or "I have to do this or that to keep him sober".  ((hugs))

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2015 11:35:32 GMT -5 flex said:

Oct 24, 2015 11:07:50 GMT -5 @kittensandkazoozles said:

I have no problem quitting, flex and @courtneyloves, I just wish he told me before 1. I bought it and 2. when I asked repeatedly if he wanted me to quit. It was very sudden when he changed his mind. He also smoked occasionally, so it's not like it was something he didn't partake in. Oh well. I've stopped in the past, it's not an issue to do so now.

Since he's off the booze, he doesn't have a crutch and is a one big raw nerve.  Of course he hasn't brought up before.  Now that he's hurting, he's super sensitive.  

Please don't feel you have to make it about you: "it's my fault" or "I have to do this or that to keep him sober".  ((hugs))

Thanks, flex.  Aside from the irritability, he doesn't seem too awful. A teensy bit shaky but other than that he's not bad.  He's been staying up a lot later at night -- normally he'd be passed out by 8-9pm, but has been up a lot later.  Plus just in the past week we've had sex more than we used to.  I don't know if that will change, it very well may, but that was an issue for me that the alcohol was causing.  He either had issues staying hard or just was too tired/nauseous/exhausted to do it. 

[SwimDeep]

@kittensandkazoozles - I can tell you from personal experience that alcohol fucks with your sleep cycle. I slipped last Saturday, and I'm still struggling with sleeplessness, shakiness, and abnormal paranoia. I haven't had a full night's sleep in more than week.

I would like to offer something from my experience (again, I'm only sharing) - my H and I both smoked. Both of us reacted to it differently. When my H and I started realizing that we were having a problem with alcohol, we also started to wonder about our use of the herb. I started to realize that if I smoked, I wanted to drink. I couldn't get away from it. If I smoked, I drank.

My H is not the same. He could smoke and be fine. I can't explain it, and I don't want to keep throwing myself into the experiment to see if I can figure it out. I just know that I can't. Right now, neither of us are using anything.

All I'm trying to say is that you don't necessarily have to quit it forever. You seem to be (from what you've posted here) in a crisis point in your relationship.
But also - your H is in a crisis point with himself. And that's his crisis to decipher.

Again - I haven't slept a full night in more than a week because I drank a lot in a very short amount of time last Saturday. I am not perfect. I am not trying to preach. Just trying to say that alcohol is a total and complete mind fuck.
Not just when you're drinking it, but for days and weeks after.

[Deleted]

He seems more irritable today. I feel like he's going to be mad at me and never forgive me for asking him to quit drinking. I thought I'd be happier this way but I'm not. I just see how unhappy he is and that crushes me. All I want is him to be happy.

This coupled with my impending birthday has me all jacked up this week. I feel like I'm slipping into a depression again. I'm going to call my therapist and see how soon I can get in. I'm supposed to go to alanon Friday night.

[lovelovelove]

I'm sorry. My H is in recovery since January. I don't feel like I'm in a huge position to give advice since this is so new to me, but I wanted to share.

Regarding him being mad and you not being happier- this took months and months for us and we're still struggling although it's not so raw. I was so done though that even though I was sad and felt bad that he was miserable I had to power through doing my own thing. I realized that if he was going to be in a bad mood forever I didn't want to be a part of it.

Therapy us great. Couples counseling is good. AA has been good for my h. And al-anon was good for me as well. Lots and lots of support to help you carry through whatever you decide.

[Deleted]

Oct 27, 2015 12:53:20 GMT -5 @kittensandkazoozles said:

He seems more irritable today. I feel like he's going to be mad at me and never forgive me for asking him to quit drinking. I thought I'd be happier this way but I'm not. I just see how unhappy he is and that crushes me. All I want is him to be happy.

This coupled with my impending birthday has me all jacked up this week. I feel like I'm slipping into a depression again. I'm going to call my therapist and see how soon I can get in. I'm supposed to go to alanon Friday night.

Big hugs to you! Is your H willing to go to AA meetings? What he's exhibiting at this point with the anger and irritability is simply untreated alcoholism. He would find a lot of understanding and fellowship if he were to try some AA meetings. Going without drinking and without help is what we refer to as "white knuckling it".

Do you think he'd be willing to try AA?