I need to tell on myself...

[SwimDeep]

I went to a meeting Saturday morning, ran errands, and then had an afternoon to kill. I guess my pride got the better of me because I started thinking things like "I could stop at a couple of drinks...maybe I'm not really an alcoholic."
So I did some "research"...fours hours later, the bottle's empty and I'm acting like a lunatic.

I had 64 days, and now I have to start over. I feel so stupid.
At the same time, I'm trying to be grateful for the extra helping of humility. I guess I needed it.

[flex]

Oct 19, 2015 14:29:36 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

I went to a meeting Saturday morning, ran errands, and then had an afternoon to kill. I guess my pride got the better of me because I started thinking things like "I could stop at a couple of drinks...maybe I'm not really an alcoholic."
So I did some "research"...fours hours later, the bottle's empty and I'm acting like a lunatic.

I had 64 days, and now I have to start over. I feel so stupid.
At the same time, I'm trying to be grateful for the extra helping of humility. I guess I needed it.

I'm sorry to hear that, but rest assured it took me several tries to string together many years.  You'll get it eventually.  Just curious because I can't remember if you've mentioned it:  Have you given AA a try?

[SwimDeep]

flex - I don't think I've mentioned it here now that I think about it. I spent last summer waffling between trying to do it on my own and trying out AA. On August 13 I picked up what I thought would be my last white chip. If this weekend did anything for me, it proved that I am an alcoholic.

The past two months of sobriety have brought me some good things. I found a women's group that I would consider my "home" group at this point, and I have a sponsor.

And there are three words in my head that I can't stop thinking about: Cunning. Baffling. Powerful.

[flex]

Oct 19, 2015 15:11:05 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

flex - I don't think I've mentioned it here now that I think about it. I spent last summer waffling between trying to do it on my own and trying out AA. On August 13 I picked up what I thought would be my last white chip. If this weekend did anything for me, it proved that I am an alcoholic.

The past two months of sobriety have brought me some good things. I found a women's group that I would consider my "home" group at this point, and I have a sponsor.

And there are three words in my head that I can't stop thinking about: Cunning. Baffling. Powerful.

And there's an exclamation point after that quote in the Big Book.  I've heard it said that my addiction is doing push-ups in the front yard--just waiting for me to come outside so it can beat me up again.  It's a strong force, that's for sure.

[flex]

And good for you for your honesty! We're only as sick as our secrets. I'm glad you got it off your chest. (((hugs)))

[SwimDeep]

Thanks, flex! I'm feeling pretty low, but I just keep focusing on where I was before I tripped up - how good I felt (even though I still had fears and doubts). I'm just trying to believe I can get back there.

Trying to get sober is like trying to walk to the shore with the tide sucking you out to sea.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you went back out, but sometimes it just takes a little more research. You stated it well. So happy you found a women's group that you like. AAA has been a wonderful force and comfort in my life. You make incredible friendships there. The important thing is you realized that you have a problem and you know where to go to get a solution.

Ha! Although I appreciate having AAA for my car, I've found that AA does way more for my alcoholism. That typo is going to stay!