Long WWYD - Friends & Money

[deo]

I got an email from a close friend last night and I'm not sure how to respond. We were BFFs in highschool, MOHs at each other's weddings but haven't really talked much in the last couple of years because of being busy with kids and living far away from each other. I hadn't heard from her in over a year now apart from exchanging Christmas cards and a few likes on FB. No hard feelings, we are both busy and she has a lot on her plate with 2 young kids and her husband has a chronic illness which he has been in and out of the hospital. I had emailed her this summer to see how things were going because I didn't have her cell # anymore but she never responded.



Anyways, she emailed me last night to ask for a loan. Her husband had a relapse and has been on STD since August and it has run out. He has now lost his ability to walk. They are switching over to long term disability but it won't start until January. They need a loan to cover their mortgage until then otherwise they will be entering bankruptcy (she is working with Debt Assistance right now). She has picked up extra shifts at work and sells a MLM product as well to earn cash. I can't imagine being in her position and the stress she is going through. She also suffers from depression.



I really don't feel comfortable loaning money. We just moved so our budget is quite tight at the moment. DH does make a very good salary and we do healthy investment accounts but those are not liquid cash, we would be taxed at a higher tax bracket if we take anymore money out of the investments this year. As well I really doubt she would be able to pay it back given the circumstances. In my mind, friends & loans do not mix well.



I could do a "gift" of $500. It won't help long term but it is something at least and it won't bust our budget. Consider it a donation and I wouldn't expect it back at all. Talking about it with DH last night, he is not really in favor of giving any money. He's never been a big fan of this friend (they went to school together, she teased him a lot growing up). If I wasn't in the picture I guarantee they wouldn't be friends. We have really tightened our budget because of our move in order to cover moving expenses and save for extra house stuff like new furniture, some renos and a fence. So there are few things lately that DH has wanted but I have said no because it's not in the budget but yet I want to give $500 to a friend. I think this is different, if roles were reversed I would want to help his friend. He was going to sleep on the idea and get back to me today what he thinks.



Would you help out this friend if you were in this situation? I feel horrible that she is in this position with all that she has to deal with.



Other relevant information:

- Her family is not able to help financially at all. His family has given them a lot of money over the years to help out and I think they are tapped out now and can't help anymore.

- They bought a new house about 2 years ago. We thought they were crazy buying a $400k house knowing her husband would eventually not be able to work. His has a degenerative disease and they knew he would eventually have to stop working but did not know if it would be tomorrow or 10 years from now. The mortgage must be based on his salary because she works retail.

- Other than that they are very financially responsible people, they have just had a lot of bad breaks.

[sugarbear]

I think I would not loan any money to friends. I'd be inclined to give some-- and I have, knowing that it would never be paid back-- but not if my budget was tight.

[Deleted]

You could gift money if you are so inclined but do not loan it with the assumption that you will get it back.

Have they considered selling the house? $400k is a pretty hefty mortgage. I'm sure they don't want to do this but it is not your job (or anyone else's) to pay their mortgage.

Eta: From the info you gave I don't really think they are all that "financially responsible" so I don't know that a token gift will be anything more than a band-aid but it is your money to do with as you please.

[minzy]

That's tough. I think your husband's opinion matters a lot here (I wouldn't be crazy about giving money to someone who previously treated me like crap either) and especially so since things are tight. If I were in your shoes, I would give (not loan) them an amount up to the amount my husband and I spend without consulting the other ($200 in our case). That way you are somewhat helping out the friend but not making it too uncomfortable for your husband.

[sjh722]

Oct 29, 2015 13:01:56 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

I think I would not loan any money to friends. I'd be inclined to give some-- and I have, knowing that it would never be paid back-- but not if my budget was tight.

Ditto.

I also try to keep in mind, when making donations, that $50 or $100 or even $500 is a good chunk of money to me, and means I might not go out to eat/buy a new outfit/sacrifice a weekend away. But in the grand scheme of things, my budget is not tight if I'm sacrificing $ for a meal out or new purse if a friend or family member is gravely ill or in a really hard spot. 

[deo]

Oct 29, 2015 13:04:18 GMT -5 @forcuatro said:

Have they considered selling the house? $400k is a pretty hefty mortgage. I'm sure they don't want to do this but it is not your job (or anyone else's) to pay their mortgage.

I don't know what her plans are for the house, in her email she just mentioned that they are not able to make the mortgage payments. I personally think they should sell the house, I don't see how they are going to continue to pay it long term. 

[cincodemayo]

Hmmm, that's really tough. I probably would do the gift of $500 knowing I wouldn't get it back, but also understand your H's position. Meet in the middle maybe?

[carolinagirl831]

It sucks she put you in this position. I'm not sure i'd even give the $500.
I definitely would not loan her anything.
I would give her something, (probably not $500)and just say I"m sorry but this is all we are able to give at this time.

[boiler717]

I would not give them a loan. I would consider a gift of my monthly fun money but that's it, and honestly probably not even that. If anything I would help research agencies that could help her.

[deo]

Oct 29, 2015 13:08:15 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Oct 29, 2015 13:01:56 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

I think I would not loan any money to friends. I'd be inclined to give some-- and I have, knowing that it would never be paid back-- but not if my budget was tight.

Ditto.

I also try to keep in mind, when making donations, that $50 or $100 or even $500 is a good chunk of money to me, and means I might not go out to eat/buy a new outfit/sacrifice a weekend away. But in the grand scheme of things, my budget is not tight if I'm sacrificing $ for a meal out or new purse if a friend or family member is gravely ill or in a really hard spot. 

I not going to loan money.  I just don't think it ends well. 

Giving $500 would mean more like not getting our new living room furniture until February instead of December.  We would still have food on our table.  

[soso]

If you can gift the money (and your DH agrees) without judging any time they spend money on something you consider non-essential, then I think it a generous and graceful thing.

I am of the thought that it's a slippery slope and we all could be there (wherever there is) and it is compassionate to give if we can.

It's kind of you to consider it.   

[deo]

Oct 29, 2015 13:11:10 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

I would not give them a loan. I would consider a gift of my monthly fun money but that's it, and honestly probably not even that. If anything I would help research agencies that could help her.

I think actually would be the best way to help.   The whole thing just makes me feel like scrooge. 

[curbsideprophet]

I would not loan any money and expect to get it back. I might consider a gift.

I agree it sounds like they need to sell the house.

[undecidedowl]

They probably need to sell the house. I'd be afraid she would use any money to continue trying to keep up an unsustainable lifestyle then ultimately lose the house anyway and it won't have helped. It's a tough situation, but I would probably either gift a small amount or say that you aren't able to. If they are using up all their resources now, which I am assuming they are since she is emailing people she isn't in frequent contact with to get money, what's going to happen as he gets worse?

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2015 13:09:43 GMT -5 deo said:

Oct 29, 2015 13:04:18 GMT -5 @forcuatro said:

Have they considered selling the house? $400k is a pretty hefty mortgage. I'm sure they don't want to do this but it is not your job (or anyone else's) to pay their mortgage.

I don't know what her plans are for the house, in her email she just mentioned that they are not able to make the mortgage payments. I personally think they should sell the house, I don't see how they are going to continue to pay it long term. 

This fits in with the "Eta" I added that, though I don't know all the factors, it doesn't appear that they are financially responsible and it may be throwing money at a problem that can't be fixed, as it stands. Her husband has been receiving STD (60% of pay, I assume) and in just two months they have run through what, if any, savings they had and they have enough debt that they are already dealing with debt assistance. They knew he would eventually have to stop working and they still took on a large mortgage without sufficient savings and will now hope that LTD will cover it.
I don't mean to bad-mouth them or make too many assumptions but I don't know if this is the best place to help if your husband isn't on board either.

[sjh722]

Oct 29, 2015 13:14:37 GMT -5 deo said:

Oct 29, 2015 13:08:15 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Ditto.

I also try to keep in mind, when making donations, that $50 or $100 or even $500 is a good chunk of money to me, and means I might not go out to eat/buy a new outfit/sacrifice a weekend away. But in the grand scheme of things, my budget is not tight if I'm sacrificing $ for a meal out or new purse if a friend or family member is gravely ill or in a really hard spot. 

I not going to loan money.  I just don't think it ends well. 

Giving $500 would mean more like not getting our new living room furniture until February instead of December.  We would still have food on our table.  

That's why I said donate. I agree with you that lending doesn't end well.

(And I didn't mean you have to donate or try to guilt you into anything. I was just offering my perspective from a budget standpoint.)

[jeaniebueller]

I think its really weird that she e-mailed you and has had very little contact with you over the last year and now asks for money. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it.

[teatimefor2]

Years and years ago a BFF in college asked for a loan.... Had no family support and if she couldn't fix her car, she couldn't get to work and would have to drop out of college. I called my Dad and he left the decision up to me. I gave her the loan and she did pay me back overtime, but I won't lie, it bugged me when she dropped $100 at the bar when she owed me money what I would need for the next semester. It did impact our friendship, although we are still friends today, but t dos change.

The point of my story, if you give money, give it as a gift and wipe your hands of that money. If your not comfortable with money, maybe gift cards to a supermarket, target, etc. If you give anything, I would say that this is all you are able to do, but are happy to help them do research, recommend a realtor, etc.

Good luck, this type of help requests can be difficult.

[hski2349]

One thing that may worry me is that she may start coming back to you more, and if you want to potentially be in that situation. She could say we used the $500 on the mortgage, but now I am having trouble paying for this, could you "loan" me another $100. Personally, I would not want to be in that situation.

I would probably respond back, our budget is tight right now, and I cannot loan out $500. Is there another way I can help? The other thing I would consider is sending a grocery, amazon, or some other gift card in a smaller amount. Would that be bad?

[holly116]

I would probably give $100.

[5kcandlesinthewind]

I wouldn't give or loan her money in these circumstances. If I had some extra cash, I might send her a gift card to Amazon or a grocery store or something, since the holidays are coming and it may help to ease a non-mortgage burden. But for like $100, max.

[Jalapeñomel]

I'm not comfortable loaning out money to a friend. If I could afford it, I would just give it, but I would not loan it. 

[bowies]

I would probably gift them some money.

I am a pay it forward type though.

[mlt]

It's hard for me to imagine not being friends with my MOH anymore so that might be coloring my answer. I would give the $500. Definitely no loan. She must be desperate to ask. Hopefully the gift will help them get to January when his disability money comes through and they won't lose their house.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 29, 2015 13:06:40 GMT -5 @this said:

I would not loan or gift any money under these circumstances.

I agree.

[geek96]

I would be worried about her coming to you the following month for another gift. If she can't pay her mortgage this month she won't be able to pay it next month. $500 is extremely generous and I would probably give her $100 and say that's all I have.

[mrssandro]

I had room in the budget I would gift them the money.

If not I would offer help in other ways.

[ssmjlm]

I would probably send a $100 grocery store or target gc if I had the room in my budget.

[oswin]

If it were my BFF, who is someone I grew up with and we were each other's MOHs, I wouldn't hesitate to loan or give her whatever money I could to help out, even though we only see each other once a year and email occasionally. However, I know that she's a reasonable person, responsible, reasonably good with money, and would pay me back if and when she could.

In the situation you've described, I would maybe give $100 (for me one month of fun money) and possibly offer support in non-monetary ways such as budgeting help or finding a support group for people with that chronic illness.

[Deleted]

No