Long WWYD - Friends & Money

[pinotgrig]

Oct 29, 2015 13:22:49 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I think its really weird that she e-mailed you and has had very little contact with you over the last year and now asks for money. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it.

This is where I'm at. I would probably have deleted the message / email thinking it was a scam.

I wouldn't be comfortable lending money, but would offer to set up a meal train if she has other friends / support network I thought would help out.

[oceanstbride]

I think I would give a grocery store gift card in an amount that you and your H agree upon. I'd hate to give a couple of hundred dollars, knowing that they will most likely put it towards their mortgage that they will eventually need to get rid of either by selling or foreclosing.

I'd also offer to help in other ways like PP suggested - look into realtors to sell the house and any other assistance they may be eligible for.

[Deleted]

My answer is probably no to both but I have follow up questions.

Did she ask for a larger amount? It would seem like her household bills greatly exceed the $500. I would maybe float someone in a good position traditionally $500 but if its something where she is so in the hole that your $500 is just making you sleep well at night then I wouldnt.

Im probably not explaining this right.

[lilac05]

No loan. I might do a gift, but I'd give an amount that my H was comfortable with...and likely in the form of a grocery store gift card.

I also might try to look for other resources to help them. Check out webpages for people with his diagnosis. Chances are that if he has a well-known diagnosis (ALS, MS, etc), there might be some non-profit somewhere that helps people in their situation. Then you can feel better about saying, "I can't help, but here is someone who can."

Unfortunately, I agree that they need to sell the house. I really hope they're not upside down on it. It sounds like it wasn't a wise purchase in the first place. Better to sell their house than lose it.

[Deleted]

I would never give money to a friend as a loan. Any money would be a gift.

If you can give in this situation, I think it would be a nice thing to do. I try to think about what it would feel like if the tables were turned and I needed financial help.

Whether you want to give and how much is entirely a personal decision. I think for me it would depend on how close I am with the person. A BFF? I would give. Someone who i haven't seen in a long time who came out of the woodwork to ask for money? I don't know if I would or not, but probably a small amount ($100 maybe if I could afford it).

[mekia]

No I wouldn't. Sorry.

[deo]

Oct 29, 2015 14:03:10 GMT -5 @ffbride0813 said:

My answer is probably no to both but I have follow up questions.

Did she ask for a larger amount? It would seem like her household bills greatly exceed the $500. I would maybe float someone in a good position traditionally $500 but if its something where she is so in the hole that your $500 is just making you sleep well at night then I wouldnt.

Im probably not explaining this right.

She did not mention an amount in her email but alluded to needing enough to cover her bills from November to January. 

$500 was just a number I came up with as the maximum amount I would consider being comfortable giving as a gift for the situation.  DH thinks this is too high. 

I do consider her still be a close friend even though we have not talked much in the past couple of years.    I have moved around a lot,   since the wedding the closest I have lived has been 4 hours away from her (currently 8 hours away).   Our relationship has slowly faded, no bad blood or anything. Just phone calls went from being weekly to monthly to when the hell was the last time I talked to you.   Part of it is my fault,  I am horrible at keeping in touch and same with her.   I admit it is weird for her to email me this out of the blue but she is not a crazy person so I don't think it is a scam or anything like that.    I think she feels legitimately destitute but objectively I think she needs to sell the house and live more within their realistic budget.  Meaning they can't rely on her husbands salary anymore.   It's really hard to tell a friend that when she is down in the dumps, I don't think it's my place to say anything like that to her. 

I think I am leaning more to maybe a $100 visa gift card and help her find some financial services that might be able to help her more long term. 

[sunshineluv]

Do you budget to give to any charities? Church? Could you take the money you would donate to them, and give to her? So no change in the budget?

[SJ]

Honestly, I am a sucker for things like this and I would probably give her money.

I would make sure that you and your husband are on the same page though.

[mannah]

If this was someone I really really cared about like it sounds like you do, I would give her money and not expect anything to be paid back like you said. I think $500 sounds like too much personally and I think $100 gift card or something in that range would be more comfortable for me. I do think it's really nice to try to help her out if you're in a position to do so.

[D2M]

Oct 29, 2015 14:20:07 GMT -5 SJ said:

Honestly, I am a sucker for things like this and I would probably give her money.

I would make sure that you and your husband are on the same page though.

This is where I am.  I am putting myself in her shoes and thinking about how much of her pride she had to swallow to email you.  And she's your BFF.  I'd gift what I could afford and offer emotional/practical support (looking up agencies to help, etc.). 

[miniroller]

Ok. I would possibly give the $500 gift. I don't want to say "under the condition that..." But it would be. If she thinks you're close enough to ask to borrow $, than I think you're close enough to have a frank discussion concerning financial matters. If she's not interested, then she's a taker who, unfortunately, isn't interested in helping herself. Here's $100, have a nice life

I'd ask her to meet for a coffee (your treat) & have an honest talk. Based on how open she seems to the meeting, I'd either send her a check for $50-100 & be done or meet with her, give her $500, & prepare info re: resources to help & names & contact info for a local financial councillor or two.

Again, I really hesitated thinking you'll be stepping on her toes, etc. But nah- I'd straight up ask her what her plan is for January mortgage. What happens after she's tapped everyone dry? Does she have a plan or, at the very least, realize she needs a plan? Because I'd share with her that you're hesitant to give her $ to pay her mortgage in December, knowing they'll be in the exact same position in January. She needs to sell her house, & the colder it gets, the harder it's going to be.

Good luck, OP. I hope she's open to hearing the hard truth. You'll be a great friend, regardless, but I really hope you can reach her.

ETA: SORRY! Non-mom who was on the app; thought this was MM not MMM! Though my advice still stands

[raangoli]

I am sure that wasn't an easy email for her to write. That said, I would consider if there were other ways to help her. Can you send a gift card to a local grocery store or gifts for the kids so she wouldn't have to worry about Christmas or something? I wouldn't be comfortable with a straight gift of cash, but if I could help alleviate the burden in other ways, I'd try to help in whatever small way I could.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2015 13:14:24 GMT -5 soso said:

If you can gift the money (and your DH agrees) without judging any time they spend money on something you consider non-essential, then I think it a generous and graceful thing.

I am of the thought that it's a slippery slope and we all could be there (wherever there is) and it is compassionate to give if we can.

It's kind of you to consider it.   

well-written...I would gift $200-$300 and consider it a compromise since your H thinks $500 is too much. $400k sounds like a lot of house but it could not be that much in hcol.

[vanillacourage]

I would send her a check for $100 but be very clear that while she doesn't need to pay you back, this is all you'll ever be able to contribute. 

[patbutcher]

Oct 29, 2015 13:04:18 GMT -5 @forcuatro said:

You could gift money if you are so inclined but do not loan it with the assumption that you will get it back.

Have they considered selling the house? $400k is a pretty hefty mortgage. I'm sure they don't want to do this but it is not your job (or anyone else's) to pay their mortgage.

Eta: From the info you gave I don't really think they are all that "financially responsible" so I don't know that a token gift will be anything more than a band-aid but it is your money to do with as you please.

This was my first thought. They obviously need to downsize if the mortgage is an issue.

[tootsie]

I would probably gift $100 or so, definitely not $500. And a list of realtors in her area.

[pizzapizza]

I am sorry but based on what you wrote about them purchasing a house when they would likely end up in a challenging situation I would not loan them the money.

[arebee]

I wouldn't give any money. Maybe a grocery gift card though.

[Deleted]

My mom had a friend like this when I was growing up. It didn't end well and I have resolved to learn from that. I wouldn't gift the money either unless you and DH are on the same page.

[Deleted]

Just a quick note.....they are likely reaching out to other people as well. If everyone gave them a grocery store/target/visa gift cards, they still wouldn't be able to pay their mortgage. If you are generous enough to give money, then I think cash would be best. You have to trust that they will use it as they see best. I realize that you could probably afford a bigger gift as a gift card (say, a $100 gift card only costs you $90 at Costco or someplace) but a gift card won't pay their mortgage.

[cajunmom]

There are only two of my friends that I would gift money if they were in that situation. Neither of them are someone I haven't seen for over a year.

[Deleted]

Send $500, tell her that is all you can afford and they you don't believe in lending money and this is a gift.

[origami]

I would just give them the $ unless I truly did not have the money or my DH was not on board with it.

[halfpint]

I would probably give them something. I don't know how much.

I guess it depends on the person - thinking about my friends, or myself, I can't imagine being at such a desperate point that you're asking to borrow money from friends. I'd be embarrassed, and would have to be pretty close to the streets or something. That leads me to want to help them.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2015 13:22:49 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I think its really weird that she e-mailed you and has had very little contact with you over the last year and now asks for money. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it.

Don't ding sing.

[Deleted]

I would (and have) given money to an old friend like that. I probably wouldn't lend a significant amount that you'd eventually like back under the circumstances though. That would put a lot of pressure on the friendship. But your idea of giving her $500 sounds really generous and kind.

[whitemerlot]

If anything, a $100 grocery card would be all I would do. They need to think of a different plan if they're in a house with a huge mortgage and things are not going to change.

[anna7602]

I would give her whatever amount you feel comfortable never seeing again. If you are concerned about their financial management skills, I might make the gift in grocery store gift cards or something like that.

No comment on the mortgage as I have no idea where they live and whether $400K is average or way above necessary in their area or whether they have the ability to move to a LCOL area...

[ECB]

At face value, the fact that you have SO little contact and your last email to her went unanswered bugs me too.  She can't make ANY effort until this?

But then, in thinking about it more - she sounds overwhelmed.  She may have read it, appreciated you reaching out, meant to write back but then just didn't.  And/or she just couldn't talk to you at that time.  That it was too much for her.  You emailed her this summer and in August is when he had a relapse?  It may have just been bad timing.

Being far from my MOH and knowing how we don't talk as much as we used to - I can understand why you still feel close to her.

Honestly, in the end, I think I fall to the side of giving her the one time $500 gift.  As a check so that she can use it as she needs.  But w/ a clear message that this is all you can afford to do this ONE time.