Why on earth would someone post that on FB? I mean, I figure out that people are divorcing when they change their last names on their FB profiles. Isn't that enough?
I think Oprah calls it, "Living Your TruthTM" Or, "Please Have a Seat", for us common folk.
I just... yeah. The rest of this stuff in here with the farm and friend/boyfriend, ok, whatever, you do you. But I just can't get behind posting about turtles on FB when changing your name or your status would have sufficed.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
If my H had been friends with a woman and I had expressed doubt and discomfort at whether it was truly platonic or not and had been told repeatedly over the course of a decade that I was crazy, there was NOTHING there and then literally days after agreeing to divorce he moved in with that woman and they bought a farm and she was now helping to raise my children before the ink was even dry on the divorce decree...holy shit I'd be devastated.* I'd doubt the entire marriage.
If I came on here and told everyone what had happened there would be no cries of "How romantic for your H! Glad he can finally be happy with the person he was meant to be with all along! Wow his new wife is gorgeous!"
*Winner of the worst run on sentence ever.
THIS! This is exactly what it's about, no one wants anyone to be unhappy, if you're unhappy in your marriage, get out. But all of the other stuff?? That's what is giving people pause, and with good reason. It remains short sighted, NOT romantic and an overall huge, unecessary rush. To move your kids straight from their home and in with DudeBFF is nutso.
But, but.....it would cost $200 more to rent an apartment for just she and her kids vs living with her bff turned bf. Surely you see what a huge additional financial strain that could be. Better to just fast forward to cohabitating.
But, but.....it would cost $200 more to rent an apartment for just she and her kids vs living with her bff turned bf. Surely you see what a huge additional financial strain that could be. Better to just fast forward to cohabitating.
If my H had been friends with a woman and I had expressed doubt and discomfort at whether it was truly platonic or not and had been told repeatedly over the course of a decade that I was crazy, there was NOTHING there and then literally days after agreeing to divorce he moved in with that woman and they bought a farm and she was now helping to raise my children before the ink was even dry on the divorce decree...holy shit I'd be devastated.* I'd doubt the entire marriage.
If I came on here and told everyone what had happened there would be no cries of "How romantic for your H! Glad he can finally be happy with the person he was meant to be with all along! Wow his new wife is gorgeous!"
*Winner of the worst run on sentence ever.
THIS! This is exactly what it's about, no one wants anyone to be unhappy, if you're unhappy in your marriage, get out. But all of the other stuff?? That's what is giving people pause, and with good reason. It remains short sighted, NOT romantic and an overall huge, unecessary rush. To move your kids straight from their home and in with DudeBFF is nutso.
To assume the kids are great with it because they're familiar with him is crazy. They're familiar with him as a friend of their mom's. They're not at all familiar with him as guy who lives in their house and kisses mom in the kitchen and is their new daddy 50% of the time. That is a huge change in role.
Plus 12 years worth of " I fucking KNEW it" is a lot to swallow down for the exH.
It's great things are peaceful and awesome now but everything happened so damn quickly I doubt any of it has truly sank in for anyone and that's a lot for a short period of time.
Yeah I'm having flashbacks to the SHEWHOSHALLNOTBENAMED thread where she said she had an EA and was in love with her BFF... and instead of "HOW ROMANTIC!!!" everyone said "Yeah, that's awful. And I bet you don't actually like him, you just think you do because you're unhappy with your marriage. Pump the brakes."
I hope that all parties in this are happy, but this whole thread is just really weird.
But really, the biggest thing I've taken from this thread is that I wish I could get a goat.
My h and I discussed this a while ago when we decided we want to buy a house on some property. We're getting goats. I'd also like a pig. I'm still trying to talk him into a dairy cow, but he hates cows.
But really, the biggest thing I've taken from this thread is that I wish I could get a goat.
My h and I discussed this a while ago when we decided we want to buy a house on some property. We're getting goats. I'd also like a pig. I'm still trying to talk him into a dairy cow, but he hates cows.
My h and I discussed this a while ago when we decided we want to buy a house on some property. We're getting goats. I'd also like a pig. I'm still trying to talk him into a dairy cow, but he hates cows.
Cows are adorable, your husband is nuts, DTMFA.
Ah, shoot. I don't have a dudeBFF. H will have to do.
Post by EmilieMadison on Nov 2, 2015 12:47:25 GMT -5
Of course I would I be all "WTF" over this entire situation if it was someone else. And do I understand people's reactions and their judgement? Absolutely. But it also makes me more aware of the fact that I really dont know shit about people's private lives and the way they come to make the choices they make in life. My kids are doing well, and with time and counseling they will be even better. I'm doing things differently than I ever expected to do them, and I dont blame people for not agreeing. It's hard to hear some people's reactions. But this isnt about romance. I didnt do this because it was romantic. Anyone who thinks I'd leave a 12 year marriage and uproot my children's lives because I thought it was romantic either doesn't know me at all, or is someone I should cut ties with. There's no romance in divorce, knowing your kids are hurting, in huge life changes, in the daily grind of working and parenting and the messiness of life in general and I never imagined there was.
I did it because it was the right thing to do because I was living an unhappy life and so was my family. Getting a divorce was inevitable for us, because neither of us was happy with the other- bff or not. The swiftness in which this is all happening is shocking. I dont deny that at all. I would voice my concerns to a friend who was making these choices. But I will stand by my decisions, and not because I'm stubborn and refuse to see how they could be detrimental, but because I know my own kids, my own situation, and my own reality better than anyone else, and that I'm confident that I'm making the choices that are right for all of those factors- and not just now, in this moment, but for the long term.
My h and I discussed this a while ago when we decided we want to buy a house on some property. We're getting goats. I'd also like a pig. I'm still trying to talk him into a dairy cow, but he hates cows.
OMG, I totally picture you like this. While you skin your deer and can salmon, and look hot doing it! lol
That's the dream. He actually mentioned getting a buffalo and I was all lol.
Post by marlenabell on Nov 2, 2015 12:55:35 GMT -5
Well, you certainly win the award for the most verbose 'you don't know my LYFE!!!'
It's not about the divorce. It is about the swiftness with which you uprooted your children and everything they've known. Hey kids , here's a new daddy ! A new house ! New goats! ' This is fucked up to the max.
Of course if this was your husband you would be devastated. Of course divorce is messy and difficult for everyone, especially children. Of course it seems like she's moving incredibly, and likely inadvisably, fast into this new relationship.
But it's not your husband. Divorce and emotional betrayal happen every day. When they happen to your friends, OF COURSE you rally behind them and curse their betrayer.
But when someone you know and like - at least as a "character" on a message board and at most as a real friend - makes a decision for her life and tells you about it after the fact, I mean fuck. I don't feel bad about trying to find the positive in the situation, especially to her face.
Seriously? People have gotten flamed worse than this after the fact for buying an ugly pair of pants.
No one hopes this isn't going to work out for the best. To expect everyone to be all, congrats! about it and not wtf? just because she's well liked is odd.
I feel about this how I feel about my cousin taking out a loan for hundreds of thousands of dollars and her husband quitting his job on the eve of the birth of their first child because he wants to open a gym.
I really, REALLY hope it works out perfectly for them. 100%. I hope it's the best thing ever. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned or Yiiiiiiiiikes about it.
Well, you certainly win the award for the most verbose 'you don't know my LYFE!!!'
It's not about the divorce. It is about the swiftness with which you uprooted your children and everything they've known. Hey kids , here's a new daddy ! A new house ! New goats! ' This is fucked up to the max.
I don't know how I would react in such a situation.
What could Emilie have done to make this more palatable for you?
How long would she need to be on her own to make this less salacious?
Do you have a definitive timeline?
What would be an "acceptable" initial living situation?
I don't have answers to these questions. Maybe you do.
I'm not sure there is anything she could have done that wouldn't result in mass ML judgment.
I'm not sure we're reading the same post. I don't see "mass ML judgment." I see a couple of dumb trolls, people asking questions, people expressing concern, and other people getting all OMGAH ROMANNNNNCE.
To expect everyone to have the same opinion seems a little weird? This is far more eventful than most things that happen here; it's weird not to expect conversation to happen about it. For pity's sake, we have like ten-page posts about jeans.
LOL. Ok, fair point.
I, of all people, know how clothing posts can go.
I suppose I'm a bit defensive because she is my friend.
I'm also sensitive because my own marriage is not in top form, and I worry whether I can keep it together.
And you all know how much I overshare here, so I guess I'm projecting and imagining how horrible it would be for me to share such news one day.
Seriously? People have gotten flamed worse than this after the fact for buying an ugly pair of pants.
No one hopes this isn't going to work out for the best. To expect everyone to be all, congrats! about it and not wtf? just because she's well liked is odd.
Well, because who really gives a shit about an ugly pair of pants, I guess. lol.
I don't know. I see where you're coming from, and I have always respected your opinion. I just ... I don't know. I don't expect EVERYONE to say congrats. I was just sharing my thoughts on why I originally reacted the way I r]
I understand. I just think it's odd (not specifically you) to expect people to be positive about a questionable situation because its someone we like. Where as if it were anyone else it would be OK to share your honest thoughts.
That's what we do here. For better or worse. This has never been a place to tell people what they want to hear. That's why so many people come here for advice. It's also why some people rarely post any personal information.
You shouldn't feel nervous about this. Your situation (as far as I know) would be nothing like this. Also I know and therefore like you a lot better, so I would poke people in the eyes if they were mean to you about this hypothetical announcement. And would buy you a goat?
I don't know how I would react in such a situation.
What could Emilie have done to make this more palatable for you?
How long would she need to be on her own to make this less salacious?
Do you have a definitive timeline?
What would be an "acceptable" initial living situation?
I don't have answers to these questions. Maybe you do.
I'm not sure there is anything she could have done that wouldn't result in mass ML judgment.
The discussion is coming from, within the space of 4 months, divorce, immediate move-in with boyfriend, then buying a property with boyfriend. Not the divorce itself.
Obviously I do not have the same experience, but my H and I dated when he was freshly divorced. And I think I might have shared on here, we had great chemistry from the first date and I thought I would marry him. But we really moved slowly - him, because of what he had just been through, and me, for the same reasons. I guess we both wanted to be sure. H was also sensitive about letting his step-daughter know he was dating. His ex, on the other hand, was married again within the space of a few months after the divorce, had another kid, and divorced again within a year and a half, I think.
Someone else on here said it best: there is nothing to lose by going slow.
In any case, I do think we should all hope for a friend as good as you if going through a divorce (heart)
You shouldn't feel nervous about this. Your situation (as far as I know) would be nothing like this. Also I know and therefore like you a lot better, so I would poke people in the eyes if they were mean to you about this hypothetical announcement. And would buy you a goat?
(Your original text deleted just in case)
Nothing says friendship like poking mean people in the eyes! LOL!
You shouldn't feel nervous about this. Your situation (as far as I know) would be nothing like this. Also I know and therefore like you a lot better, so I would poke people in the eyes if they were mean to you about this hypothetical announcement. And would buy you a goat?
(Your original text deleted just in case)
Nothing says friendship like poking mean people in the eyes! LOL!
I don't know how I would react in such a situation.
What could Emilie have done to make this more palatable for you?
How long would she need to be on her own to make this less salacious?
Do you have a definitive timeline?
What would be an "acceptable" initial living situation?
I don't have answers to these questions. Maybe you do.
I'm not sure there is anything she could have done that wouldn't result in mass ML judgment.
Who gives a shit about any of it? I type here because I can. That's the entire truth. You can't get blood from a stone, and all that.
Why are we all pretending that we just stumbled upon the internet? Stop wasting our time (tongue-in-cheek here; that horse left the barn 10 years ago for me) with this bogus line of questioning. And I don't even mean that, really. Lol. The only expectation I really have is that the reasonable among us will skim over my nonsense and KOKO.
I wish you the best miso and I hope your H and you can work it out. Day to day life can be a struggle especially when there is no kindness. I wish you both much kindness.
But if you choose to leave, there will be a lot of support, from me and everyone here I'm sure. <3