A few questions, esp if you have kids

[closertofine]

What did you do with your e-ring and band? I always thought I would pass it to DD (or DS if she didn't want it), but now I am not so sure with the association it holds. I could certainly use the cash. I have a couple other pieces of jewelry from him that I could also unload. Basically, if you have kids, how did/would you handle this?  If you sold, what is the best route to do so?

Do you have any nonlegal advice re: custody arrangements? My kids are 2.5 and 4.  As of now, we have tentatively agreed to them sleeping in their beds, with me every night except for the two weekends a month they are with him.  Otherwise, he will have them two evenings a week, but bring them home after.  This is while they are little. We both realize everything may change as they get older.  What do weekends consist of for you? What time Friday through Sunday?

How can I get him to slow the fuck down? He wants everything split and divided and set NOW. It's been a frigging week.  Friday, he #1 concern was the goddamn EZ Pass.  Yesterday it was the loyalty program on the cruise line that we sailed for many years before we had kids.  Dude.  And the decision re: The house.  He wants my answer NOW.  I've been telling him to back off, but I can't seem to get that through to him.  I need to crunch numbers before I can even make a decision.  And I am trying to play as nicely as possible, but my patience is wearing thin.

He isn't moving out until Jan. 1.  He has a deposit down on an apartment, but a unit isn't available until then. I think we've decided not to say anything to the kids until then.  They seem to know that he's sleeping in the basement, but seem to be unfazed by that.   I will look into therapy if need be, but does anyone have any advice for children this young?

Do you all mind if I continue coming by here to ask my questions?  IRL, I only know one woman who has divorced with young kids.  She told me that the kids talk to the other parent every night on the phone, no matter what, which I thought was a good idea.  But I think I've exhausted her as a resource at this point.  Thanks all.

[Deleted]

I strongly recommend you both get lawyers and then can communicate about these issues through them. Honestly moving fast isn't a bad thing sometimes. Get it over with like a band aid. I'd also suggest therapy for yourself and for the kids so they can help you decide what's healthiest for the kids in terms of arrangements as all kids and families are different. Huge hugs. This is hard but you can always feel free to ask questions here. I know I didn't answer your exact questions and that's because it can always be subjective.

[closertofine]

We both have lawyers and therapists. I was just looking for opinions in case there is anything I haven't thought of.

[jellymankelly]

Different things work for different people - I have my kids during the week and every other weekend. I originally ended up with sole custody because my XH was living out of state when we separated, and we kept it that way when he moved back here because I wanted the kids at home on school nights. They were 5 and 1 when we split up, and they're 9 and 5 now. XH also travels a lot for work, so the consistency of being with me during the week and every other weekend works for our particular situation. We'd never be able to keep a consistent schedule if he had them during the week.

Our weekends start on Friday when he picks them up from their after school program, although sometimes he's driving back from an out of town work trip and it ends up being later in the evening. Assuming he's in town and everything is on a normal schedule, he gets them about 6 on Friday and keeps them until about 6:30 on Sunday night.

We do a lot of switch offs, and a lot of favors for each other where parenting time is concerned. I am aware that it's very rare to be able to do that, and in most cases, it's best to stick to exactly what your custody agreement says. Make sure to take that into consideration as you're working on yours.

ETA: Oh, and I sold my wedding bands, but I still have my e-ring. I got offered a really crappy amount for it at the jeweler where we bought it, and even the jeweler admitted that it was super low, due to the fact that the diamond was a specialty cut that they don't offer anymore. So I still have it. I'll sell it eventually. I don't plan to save it for my kids. It's a really nice ring, and the stone is a decent size, but I don't think I'd ever want either of them to propose to their future wives with the ring from their parents' failed marriage.

[closertofine]

Thank you for that info. As of now, we are both agreeable to helping the other out. But if I make the decision to move a half hour away back to where I work, that will be less feasible. I realize that decison will have to be made before finalizing the custody agreement.

[Deleted]

Nov 1, 2015 19:38:34 GMT -5 closertofine said:

We both have lawyers and therapists. I was just looking for opinions in case there is anything I haven't thought of.

Got it. When he wants to rush things, then ask him to make a list of everything he wants to split and send to the lawyers. It will make your life so much easier. Ask him not to engage in divorce related topics in person, but send requests via email. Then you can loop in your lawyer as needed. I'm sort of cold-blooded when it comes to divorce though and am in protect yourself at all costs and do whatever you can to make it easiest on yourself mode. But I think these are great times for self protection and the less you engage in conversations the better.

[jellymankelly]

Nov 1, 2015 19:56:49 GMT -5 closertofine said:

Thank you for that info. As of now, we are both agreeable to helping the other out. But if I make the decision to move a half hour away back to where I work, that will be less feasible. I realize that decison will have to be made before finalizing the custody agreement.

I don't know what a half hour away means where you live, since traffic makes a difference, but my XH lives about a half hour from us now. It's like 14 miles/30 minutes from me, but it's only 15 mins from their school, and less than 10 mins from my office, so it works okay for us with him being that far away. I think the few extra miles help, to be honest. We talk in some way (usually text or via email about school stuff) almost daily, but not running into each other in public a lot is a good thing.

[closertofine]

Nov 1, 2015 20:04:40 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Nov 1, 2015 19:56:49 GMT -5 closertofine said:

Thank you for that info. As of now, we are both agreeable to helping the other out. But if I make the decision to move a half hour away back to where I work, that will be less feasible. I realize that decison will have to be made before finalizing the custody agreement.

I don't know what a half hour away means where you live, since traffic makes a difference, but my XH lives about a half hour from us now. It's like 14 miles/30 minutes from me, but it's only 15 mins from their school, and less than 10 mins from my office, so it works okay for us with him being that far away. I think the few extra miles help, to be honest. We talk in some way (usually text or via email about school stuff) almost daily, but not running into each other in public a lot is a good thing.

Zero traffic, all highway, about 25 miles. But it would also be an hour from his office, so things like sick kid at daycare pick ups would be impacted. I think running into each other will be minimal. He rarely leaves the house.

I'm even wondering about the two nights he has the kids and their bed/bath routines. Being so little, they are both in bed by 7, often 6:30. He'd get them at 4:30. Does he bathe them there, bring them home in jammies? Am I always the one to do bath time? (We usually do every other night). Little things like this are what is keeping me up at night.

[cuddlyevil]

I have the kids Wednesday night through Monday morning. Their dad gets them from school and has them until Wednesday (his off days are monday to Wednesday).

He lives North of us, half hour or so from us/their school. We don't see each other unless we're swapping kids.

I sold my rings.

[Deleted]

Nov 1, 2015 19:38:34 GMT -5 closertofine said:

We both have lawyers and therapists. I was just looking for opinions in case there is anything I haven't thought of.

Of course no one minds if you post on this board. That's what the board is here for...people to share stories and advice. 

I wouldn't fault him necessarily for wanting to make decisions sooner rather than later. People deal with these situations differently. Like others have suggested I'd just nicely let him know that you can't make any decisions until you talk to your lawyer. You can both write down a list of things that you need help figuring out how to split and then go to your lawyer for advice and how to include it in your divorce decree. Since you have kids, I think it's especially important to go through everything with your lawyer. 

In regards to your ring, there are a lot of options. I just wanted the money and to be done with it, so I just went to several local jewelers in my city and sold it to the one that offered me the most. I think I got $1000 for a 1 carat white gold ring.

[Deleted]

Nov 1, 2015 20:10:05 GMT -5 closertofine said:

Nov 1, 2015 20:04:40 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I don't know what a half hour away means where you live, since traffic makes a difference, but my XH lives about a half hour from us now. It's like 14 miles/30 minutes from me, but it's only 15 mins from their school, and less than 10 mins from my office, so it works okay for us with him being that far away. I think the few extra miles help, to be honest. We talk in some way (usually text or via email about school stuff) almost daily, but not running into each other in public a lot is a good thing.

Zero traffic, all highway, about 25 miles. But it would also be an hour from his office, so things like sick kid at daycare pick ups would be impacted. I think running into each other will be minimal. He rarely leaves the house.

I'm even wondering about the two nights he has the kids and their bed/bath routines. Being so little, they are both in bed by 7, often 6:30. He'd get them at 4:30. Does he bathe them there, bring them home in jammies? Am I always the one to do bath time? (We usually do every other night). Little things like this are what is keeping me up at night.

I don't have kids, but in my mind it seems easier/more consistent if the split is more like Mon-Wed and every other weekend or something like that. When the kids start having after school activities that wouldn't leave much quality time for them to spend with their dad except for him to pick them up for after school activities and then bring them to your house. In my mind it seems like it would be better to try to think of a solution now that will work in the longish term. Obviously things can change, but that's what my mindset would be. 

[closertofine]

The split isn't going to be 50/50. He cannot mentally handle caring for them for long periods of time. I think his every other weekend will tip him over the edge. I was thinking he may even lessen that time with them, but on second thought, I think he'll enlist the help of his mom instead, which is fine by me. She adores the kids. He can meet their basic nedds, but he doesn't know how to truly interact with them, if that makes sense. Dd has always showed a strong preference for me. Today I had to force him to spend time with her.

[1confused1]

My situation is different, our divorce was not amicable and I have full legal and full physical custody of the kids.

His visitation (which is supervised) is every other weekend, starts at 10am on Saturday and ends at 6pm on Sunday.

My rings are in a safe deposit box at a bank.

[Deleted]

Nov 1, 2015 20:21:12 GMT -5 closertofine said:

The split isn't going to be 50/50. He cannot mentally handle caring for them for long periods of time. I think his every other weekend will tip him over the edge. I was thinking he may even lessen that time with them, but on second thought, I think he'll enlist the help of his mom instead, which is fine by me. She adores the kids. He can meet their basic nedds, but he doesn't know how to truly interact with them, if that makes sense. Dd has always showed a strong preference for me. Today I had to force him to spend time with her.

Sorry I wasn't clear. I wasn't posting to say that it should be 50/50. You just mentioned that it's keeping you up at night in regards to what happens with bedtime routine if the kids spend 2 hours with him after school and then he drops them at your house 2 days per weekday. I was just commenting that it might be less stressful if you don't do the 2 evenings a week at dad's house and think of another solution. It just seems like a lot of back and forth and wasted time, especially as the kids get older and have after school activities. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

another full legal and physical custody parent but xh doesn't even have visitation. the divorce has been a LONG process but not bc its been nasty but bc i'm not seeking alimony OR child support and the court is seeking all sorts of info re child support regardless. everything else was sorted w/in 2-3 months after i left.

i still have my rings, i can't bring myself to sell them bc this was the ring i spotted at age 15 (long before i met xh)and that was MY ring. i might do something w/ the center stone at some point but for now, it sits in my jewelry box.

[prettyinpearls]

I sold my rings through a local jeweler. I didn't get much for them (buyback on diamonds is terrible) but I didn't care. I used the cash to help pay for the catering when I got remarried.

Our parenting time has been Wednesday evenings from 4-7 PM (he's never used it in the 5 years we've been apart) and EOWE from after school on Friday to 5:00 on Sunday. He also gets 2 non-consecutive weeks of summer vacation and we alternate holidays.

As far as him wanting answers NOW, tell him to make a list of everything you need to discuss and set a date/time to talk about it. Since you're still living together for another few months, it would be silly to communicate through your attorneys ($$$$) when you could hash out a few things in person yourselves. It won't be the most pleasant conversation you've had, but it'll help move things forward. You don't have to give him any answers at that meeting, but at least you can take away some items to think about and discuss at another time. Think of them as business meetings and get them on the calendar.

[sacattack]

I still have my ring and we got divorced 5 years ago. I couldn't get what we paid and I don't need the money now, so I think of it as my rainy day fund, in the event I do need money. :-)

As for the kids. I got divorced when my kids were 1&3. Initially we started out with him having them Tuesday night and then every other weekend from Saturday morning till Sunday night. This worked for us for 2 reasons - I didn't not want to see my kids and this way I saw them everyday and most importantly there was no way he could care for them for longer streches. He hadn't at that point been very involved in their care, so this worked out well. As they got older he slowly got more time with them, first it was Friday night pick up then Monday morning school drop off. He's a good kid Dad, but babies were not his thing. I also think it forced him to step up.

You may not feel it now, but I needed a break from my kids and working full time, so I looked forward to my night alone. I didn't have to do anything but take care of myself that night. It was vital to me adjusting to life as a single parent.

My Ex-H was like yours and wanted to hurry up and move along. He would accuse me of holding things up, but in all honesty - we completed the whole process in about 3 months. My advice is like the PP, just get a list of things to cover and think about and then talk about them once you have had time to collect your thoughts. Getting divorced was super stressful for me so I appreciated moving things along, but just make sure you have time to consider your wishes.

[closertofine]

sacattack thank you. I'm trying to tell myself that I will welcome the break. I will do things like laundry and grocery shopping and school work (I teach) when I don't have them, so the time I do have them can be better quality. Trying to tell myself this, but it's not working just yet.

May I ask how you addressed it with your young kids? I plan to ask both our couples therapist and my own as well, but I'd like to hear first hand experience.

[fluffernutter]

I am going through a divorce with a young child and I mediate divorces for a living. Feel free to PM me.

[sacattack]

closertofine - when I first got divorced my older cousin told me I would welcome the time away from my kids and I thought it was the most awful thing I had every heard. In my mind, what kind of mother wants to be away from her children - but she was right. At the time I was still caught up in the idea that my children needed me, and while it was true - everyone was happier when I got a break! :-) I used my time alone to do exactly what you suggest - laundry, grocery shopping, worked late.

I honestly don't remember much about what I told my kids, silly in hindsight because I'm sure I obsessed about it at the time, but it was really a non-issue for us. I'm sure I said something along the lines of Mommy is going to get a new house and you get a new room too! I maybe let my son, who was older at the time pick out something special for his new room. It really went smoothly.

Now just recently my son is asking why we can't all live together. It breaks my heart because I thought we had just made the transition so well! I just tell him that mommy and daddy disagree on things and that while we like each other and love him, sometimes people are just better off being friends. He has started to ask for specifics about what we disagree on. I gave him a silly example of I like diet coke and Daddy likes Coke - which now looking back I shouldn't have, as he started to offer suggestions on how to address it. Now I just say that he is too young to understand it but that he just needs to trust me that us being friends is the best thing for everyone!

I'm happy to help answer any questions for you! I felt so alone when I went through this, as its hard to relate to unless you have actually been through it.

[somersault72]

I still have my rings, they are in my nightstand drawer. For a long time, I didn't feel like parting with them, but now I forget about them most of the time.

Until DS started school, we split custody pretty much 50/50. When he started 3 day a week preschool, I then started having him most of the time (ex h lives 40-45 minutes from school). During the school year I have him Sunday evenings (I usually pick him up between 6 and 7 if his dad had him for the weekend) until I take him to school on Friday. Ex h picks him up from school every Friday. I get him back Saturday around noon if he's my weekend, he keeps him until Sunday evening if it's his. During the summer we still alternate weekends, but he has him every day during the week except Wednesday (my day off), because he's off in the summer. We are both very flexible and my ex is about the most laid back person on earth.

My ex h moved out when DS turned 2, so he doesn't know any different, so he's never really asked me any questions. He does know his grandparents are divorced (my ex FIL apparently explained all that), so he does understand the concept (he's 7.5).

[laurenpetro]

Sorry to bump this really old topic but my mother saved the ring my father gave her. They got divorced when I was 14 (?) and when H and I started talking marriage she offered me her ring set and I took her up on it. I like having her ring. H and I joked a bit about it being a doomsday ring but I like having that piece of my mom.

Just another POV. If you need the cash by all means go for it but if you do decide to hold onto them it could still be passed down. Especially if you make it into a necklace first or something.

[TR]

Since this got bumped, my mom held on to her ering and ended up having the diamond reset into an earring for me (I have a cartilage piercing). Now, her diamond wasn't very big so it works, but you could do something like that for your DD in the future, pendant necklace or something. Even though my parents divorced, my mom said that the year they were engaged was one of the happiest times in her life so she didn't feel like it was "tainted" or anything.