So I have been wondering

[amaristella]

R&R is coming up. Lately I have been having mixed feelings. I was about to post about it when I noticed my friend posted this on Facebook. I think it adequately describes the things I'm afraid of.

And I'm just wondering. Has any of this applied to R&R for anybody? We just had a couple of days where I felt like we were doing the "he's about to leave dance" and he hasn't even made it home for leave yet.

I'm also just way beyond my wit's end today. 

[amaristella]

Nov 3, 2015 18:05:19 GMT -5 Stan said:

Am I missing a link or something?

H and I always have troubles when one of us is about to leave. It sucks.

Sorry. I guess I hid it too well.

www.scarymommy.com/what-spouses-dont-tell-you-about-homecoming/

[creamsiclechica]

Yes. My deployments I did solo (before kids), but the sentiments were the same. And when he's training/away at schools for long periods now that I do have kids, this is spot on.

R&R is such a strange time. There's inexplicable joy and relief to the dull ache of their absence, but it's also so short and there's no time to adjust or reflect so you're just kind of suspended in each other's space not really able to comprehend each other's current lives or struggles. I found we were both happy to be together, but distracted and defensive and saying goodbye over and over at least half of the time. I also felt reluctant ever trying to explain it to anyone, because you're supposed to be so grateful you get to have it. It's just not that simple. I think it's okay to feel a lot of different things, none of which you should feel guilty for. Reuniting and reintegrating and making it work takes time, and R&R just isn't enough, in my opinion. I'm sorry it's a tough time for you, and I hope you have a little network where you are to help with the lead up to it and the adjustment after. Big hugs. I'm sorry this got so rambling.

ETA: With kids, I am so used to just handling everything in his absence, I get irritated that it just feels like he's stepping on my toes or interfering with my perfectly crafted schedule (which I also use to cope myself). It's really hard to just hand the reigns back over, and I'm trying to work on that when I know he's going to be back after an absence, especially a really long one.

[nsl]

H has only deployed once so far, and his R&R happened a week after DS2 was born, so I don't think my experience is normal at all, if there is such a thing as a "normal" R&R experience. Since everything in our lives had just been upended by the birth of a new baby, it didn't feel especially strange that H was suddenly home for two weeks. We all had to adjust to new schedules and expectations anyway, and I think it made things easier because nobody expected that life was going to snap back to the way it was before he'd deployed.

The relationship struggles the article discusses absolutely happened to us during the first month or so that H was home for good, but not during R&R.

[audette]

DH has done two deployments, both over a year long. Each had ~2 weeks R&R in them. We have no kids or pets, so it was just the two of us.


And, R&R was a mind-fuck. It's awesome - you get to see each other, yay! And that gets built up in your brain, and expectations get build up, and it's all exciting. But, you also know it's only for a short time, so there is an element of bittersweetness to it. And you don't necessarily want the same thing out of R&R, either, but it's too short to really get that figured out and handled and both people dearly want the other one to get everything out of R&R they wanted, and that leads to some confusion and complexity. And then _after_ R&R, you get to go thru the whole brain process to get you back to the mental steady-state of having your spouse deployed again.

The whole temporary nature of R&R was bizarre and to be entirely honest, I almost would have preferred to not have it at all. I had an easier time handling homecoming, although it came with some weirdness, too. Different weirdness, but things I found easier to adjust to.

[dcn]

I met DH in Germany for r&r, partly to avoid some of the weirdness of being at home. He also didn't want to feel pulled in a million directions to visit family etc. can you plan a trip, even a few nights away?

That said, it was the best trip, but definitely had moments of sadness because we knew he had to go back and we'd have to say good bye again.

[amaristella]

We had talked about meeting overseas. We even got all our passports done. But DH wants nothing more than to be "home". Defined as the apartment with none of his things and hardly any furniture for one adult and a toddler, let alone two adults. The apartment he toured but never even held the keys to because I picked up the keys a few hours after his flight left.

Thank you all for your responses. I feel so much better now about my mixed feelings. All I ever hear from others (publicly) about these types of things is how much they loved it and how much fun they had. I didn't want to be the wierdo. I definitely am excited and have stuff planned to do as a family and all that but I just don't know how I'm going to deal with having another adult in this apartment for two weeks, and one with an equal say on the kid who is now quite different from months ago.

[brandienee]

I have no advice. But appreciate how hard it would be. Just when you get used to each other again... Bam... Back to adjusting being alone.

I saw that article and it's so true. We didn't have kids when he deployed before, but it was a huge adjustment coming back. I imagine R&R might feel different because it might feel like a vacation, rather than being back. But still. It's all a mind fuck.