Its not fair that they would get a sibling so soon? I mean either way the 2nd kid never even get to be an only child so I'm not sure what it really takes away from the first.
It's not so much about undivided attention, but about letting the first kid be a baby before adding another. The link bananapancakes posted pretty much covers it in the "under 1" section. There are soooo many cons to that spacing, so I personally don't understand wanting it.
I understand someone not wanting it, but nobody feels sorry for twins not having time to just be a baby before adding another. it's just life. Now on the parents side, I get it! I'm glad mine aren't that close together!
We had planned to start trying again at a year-ish but then we bought a house and were moving etc. DD1 was 18 months when I got pregnant with the twins.
We stopped preventing when DD1 turned one. We didn't start actively TTC until she was about 20 months and I found out I was pregnant with DD2 a few weeks before her second birthday.
Mine are 15 months apart, I never got on birth control after dd was born and she sttn at 2 months so we were already prepared to get pregnant again when she was about 5 months. I got my first pp period when i stopped pumping at 7 months and got pregnant w ds that month. It had takn me 14 months to get pregnant with dd so we thought perhaps it would take longer as well for the second but obviously it didnt.
We started when she was 13 months old and got pregnsnt when she wss 14 months old. DS was born when she was 22 months. I wanted the oldest to be two once I was off mat leave bc the cost of daycare decreased significantly at age two (by $140 a week).
I consciously wanted mine closer in age than the 4 yr age gap I have with my sibling. We are not close and I always felt like he resented my existence. Turns out this is probably more personality driven than anything else.
I think it is luck of the draw on how the oldest will feel regardless of age. DD owned the big sis roll the moment DS arrived. I have said this before, she came to the hospital at 22 months breezed by us and headed straight for HER brother. Literally didnt touch the toys we gave her. He is her brother first, our son second even 2.5 yrs later. I know we are lucky in that regard. Friends and family with same spacing certainly had some jealousy issues with the oldest.
No matter what you choose itll work out for your family.
Post by wanderlustmom on Nov 7, 2015 8:53:41 GMT -5
These threads are always interesting to me because of the selective bias.
My mom spaced my sister and I four years apart and she loved it and couldn't fathom why I would choose 23 months apart. I love the space we chose. And I realize not everyone chooses their spacing. But for those who do, I think we all can't help but prefer what we chose.
We originally wanted about a 2 year age gap, but the thought of TTC around the time required to make that happen was pretty scary to me. However we weren't being very consistent with our use of condoms, so I ended up pregnant when DD was 16 months old anyway lol. After my initial freakout, I've been really excited. Still nervous, but definitely excited.
Post by 5kcandlesinthewind on Nov 7, 2015 9:30:52 GMT -5
My husband and his sister are 15 months apart on purpose. His sister's kids are 15 months apart ... not on purpose. Both MIL and SIL have said it was hell to have them so close in age when they were little, but it gets easier when they're older. (Nieces are now 9 and 7-turning-8-in-February).
And another anecdote, just because: I work with someone who had 5 kids with his first wife, and the oldest are 11 months apart. When he told me that, my jaw hit the floor and he said, "yeah, I know. We were young and dumb and didn't know that could happen." He now also has two stepdaughters, both of whom fell in the same age range as his kids. So at one point, they had seven kids living in one house. They're all within 8-9 years of each other, so I think now the youngest is 18 and the oldest is 26/27. Crazy.
We started ttc the month DS1 turned one and got pregnant right away. They are about 21 months apart and it has always worked out very well for us. It might have something to do with luck because DS2 was a *super* easy baby. He's always had a very laid back, go with the flow, even keel kind of personality. As a baby, he STTN very early on and was not fussy at all. It was easy for me to take him along to DS1's activities because he was content to just sit in his car seat and watch us to our thing, etc. He was the kind of unicorn baby that convinces you they aren't hard at all and you should have more (don't worry, we got our comeuppance with DS1 and DD, lol).
The boys started playing together around the time that DS2 turned one and have been best buds for years. I love that for them. It's like having a built in playmate. It also makes things much easier for me because they do a lot of the same activities and summer camps because of how their age gap works out. It's nice for them because they don't feel nervous starting something new because they have each other for support. They also play with the same kids in our neighborhood all the time.
DD is two years younger than DS2 and a little under 4 years younger than her eldest brother. She was a fussy baby and our transition to three was pretty hard. The boys kind of ignored her for while but they cottoned on to the idea that she might be fun to play with when she was around 2.5. Now she's over three and the three of them play together all the time. The boys will sometimes fight over who gets to play with her and lead her around, lol.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I totally get the idea of wanting to have your kids close together in age. I don't think you are crazy for finding that appealing. I was five years apart from my brother and we were not close at all growing up. I wanted something different for our family and fortunately it's worked out so far.
Fwiw, if I could do it all over again, I would do 2u2 and then wait two or three full years and then do 2u2 again.
It's not so much about undivided attention, but about letting the first kid be a baby before adding another. The link bananapancakes posted pretty much covers it in the "under 1" section. There are soooo many cons to that spacing, so I personally don't understand wanting it.Â
Umm what about if you want 2-3 kids and you're getting kinda old? Not everyone has the luxury of time on their side by the time they settle down with a partner and can feasibly have a child
Conversely, not everyone has the luxury of perfect mental health or unlimited financial resources to lessen the stress of having two children (or more) very close in age!
Post by WillabyWallabyWu on Nov 7, 2015 10:56:43 GMT -5
My initial thought was to start trying when DS was 9 months because I felt like 18 months difference was a good gap, wanting them close in age. At 9 months I decided I wasn't even close to ready, so we waited until he was a year. Then at a year we realized I'd have to return to teaching for a year, so we waited a few more months to time a maternity leave towards the end of the school year.
Post by miss.colorado on Nov 7, 2015 10:59:42 GMT -5
DS #1 was 9 months when I got bfp for #2. We tried for 2 months. These kiddos will be 18 months apart. My sis and I are 14 months apart and I like the closeness.
Umm what about if you want 2-3 kids and you're getting kinda old? Not everyone has the luxury of time on their side by the time they settle down with a partner and can feasibly have a child
Conversely, not everyone has the luxury of perfect mental health or unlimited financial resources to lessen the stress of having two children (or more) very close in age!
Of course! Various age spacings work for various people!
I just think it's weird to "feel sorry" for kids because their parents went for a smaller age gap. Or to say you just can't understand why people would ever choose a small gap
I understand why people would go for both a big or small gap, they all have their pros and cons
Ok I mean obviously <1 year GAP yes only an insane person would do that on purpose lol. But even then I wouldn't feel sorry for the kids, they don't know what's going on. They have parents who love them and a sibling close to their age? They don't ever know anything different.
TTC when your kid turns one isn't crazy, 2u2 isn't crazy or "unfair" to the children. Having a sibling close in age can be so lovely for kids
It's like feeling sorry for twins. Sure it's tough you never get to be the only baby, but you have a built in best friend so again pros and cons to all ...
Having them further apart makes sense for a lot of reasons too. Financially, mentally, logistically. But no way is "better" by default
it took us 16 cycles to get pg with DS1 so I was chomping at the bit to TTC soon after he was born since we were older and I figured it would take some time. But, my body had other plans and my cycle didn't return until he was 11.5 mo old. So, we started TTC the next cycle, and got pg on the 2nd cycle. Our boys are 22 mo apart.
Well...after reading most of this thread I have learned I probably have neglected DD because of DS...huh.
To answer the OP. Obviously we had talked about it fairly early on. My kids are 1 year and 5 weeks apart, so essentially 13 months apart. DD was an IUI baby, 3rd try. I had only had one spontaneous pregnancy previously and it had ended in a miscarriage. I was 35 when I had her. As far as we knew it would take us another round of IF help to get pregnant. I got my cycle back at 3 months PP but wasn't known for ovulating in a way that led to pregnancy so we knew we *could* get pregnant but genuinely didn't think we would. We did. We are that couple.
My kids are awesome, neither of them is neglected in either way. They both get attention. They are both healthy and happy.
It is hard on us. It is hard on our marriage and on us personally.
That being said, our two kids would have been close together anyways if we had had a choice...probably around 2 years apart (depending on if IF would have been an issue), and while 13 months is different than 24 months...I don't know, I don't know if it is THAT different. At drop in we have moms who have had their 2nd ranging from myself at 13 months apart, to 24 months (and beyond) and we all look frazzled, frankly...it's hard to have two really little kids.
Having my kids 3-4 years apart was unlikely to happen anyways...just based on my age.
Our first year with DS was so so hard, the idea that people actually choose to TTC in those first months boggles my mind. Colic, returning to work with no PTO left for 9 months, both DS and I getting sick all the time. Fuck no. I just have to tell myself DS was a harder than average baby because otherwise I feel like lesser of a person for not being able to handle it.
Finances wouldn't allow for us to TTC any sooner than we are now. As is, we will have 2 in daycare for 2 years of we get pg next cycle. It will be 2 tight years.
I think I posted this same exact thread when my first child was six weeks old and everyone said I was crazy. I never really stopped wanting a second soon after my first. I did IVF to get that first which may have contributed to this.
I got my period back six months post partum. Never went on birth control. Called the RE at 8 months pp thinking it would take a while to get seen but it only took a few days. Waited until about 12 months pp to do a frozen embryo transfer, which failed. Did another one right away which worked. My kids are 25 months apart.
Well...after reading most of this thread I have learned I probably have neglected DD because of DS...huh.
To answer the OP. Obviously we had talked about it fairly early on. My kids are 1 year and 5 weeks apart, so essentially 13 months apart. DD was an IUI baby, 3rd try. I had only had one spontaneous pregnancy previously and it had ended in a miscarriage. I was 35 when I had her. As far as we knew it would take us another round of IF help to get pregnant. I got my cycle back at 3 months PP but wasn't known for ovulating in a way that led to pregnancy so we knew we *could* get pregnant but genuinely didn't think we would. We did. We are that couple.
My kids are awesome, neither of them is neglected in either way. They both get attention. They are both healthy and happy.
It is hard on us. It is hard on our marriage and on us personally.
That being said, our two kids would have been close together anyways if we had had a choice...probably around 2 years apart (depending on if IF would have been an issue), and while 13 months is different than 24 months...I don't know, I don't know if it is THAT different. At drop in we have moms who have had their 2nd ranging from myself at 13 months apart, to 24 months (and beyond) and we all look frazzled, frankly...it's hard to have two really little kids.
Having my kids 3-4 years apart was unlikely to happen anyways...just based on my age.
To be honest, the link that banana posted had pros and cons for every single age gap so just as everything with parenting, there is no right way to do it. You do what's right for your family. If I had not dealt with IF and thought I could get pregnant easily I would have waited another year to get pregnant with #2, mainly for finances and career. I thought it might take me anther year or so of trying so I took the risk and here I am. Same with you.
We started when just before he turned one. We got word that H was going to deploy in the near future, and if we had waited until after the deployment it would have been a much bigger age gap than we wanted.
Lol, I also wanted a #2 like still in the hospital. That feeling went away for awhile, but DD is now 16 months and I want to try and conceive ASAP, but my cycles haven't returned yet and we are not ready to wean.
There is no right answer to this question. DS1 and DS2 are 21 months apart. I got pregnant 1 week after DS1 turned 1. We weren't trying but clearly we didn't do a good job of preventing either. All it took was 1 night. I will be honest it's hard as hell. But I wouldn't change it for the world. DS2 is 10 months now and is walking and playing with DS1. It makes me see the "light at the end of the tunnel". So it may be tough now, but in the future I will definitely see more benefits of the smaller age gap. I get excited thinking about how fun things will be in the future.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Nov 7, 2015 14:13:15 GMT -5
ExH and I didn't actively set out to TTC, though I was charting to track my cycles as I did when TTC dd1. He came home after three months away for school (military) and got pregnant that same month. Dd1 was 15 months old when I got my BFP.
My kids are 24 months apart. I did not steal my first's babyhood. I do not reinforce any 'big boy' stuff, hell, even when maybe I should. He still shits his pants and sleeps in a crib at 2.5.
Just buy a second crib and don't act like your first baby is an adult. BOOM. All these weird perceived 'problems' are solved.
10 months. We knew we wanted to have them close together, so we waited until after the parties and trips we had planned were over so that I could drink, then we got to it. The girls are 19.5mo apart and I love it.
It took a long time to get pregnant with #1, so we started right away for #2. I had not even had a postpartum period and found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. They are less than 15 months apart.
I hear that when they are a little older it is amazing, but I wouldn't recommend it. I wish we would have waited a little longer between. However, it was kind of fun to not have my period for 3 years due to pregnancy and nursing.