Ugh. Sometimes I think I'm broken. Updated w/ funny story.

[Serenity9]

I've been dating plenty since my divorce, but I haven't felt any kind of connection with anyone. I'm starting to wonder if it's me - if there's something about my past that I haven't gotten over and it's blocking me from making new connections.

I have met a few really great guys, but it just doesn't click for me emotionally. I am great about getting to the friends level - we share stories and laugh, discuss the news, and enjoy events together. But then I just don't feel connected to them in a romantic sort of way. I can go more than a week without talking to him, and I'm not particularly concerned about it. But I can't figure out why I'm not connecting. He is kind and fun and I am physically attracted to him. But I feel nothing.

I also noticed last night that I am afraid to give compliments. Eesh. That sounds like I'm a horrible person. I had a date last night and he complimented me, and I wanted to compliment him back, but I just stopped. I guess I was afraid that if I give compliments I'll be encouraging him to get attached to me, and I don't know if I can be attached to him. I don't want to lead people on, so I stay a bit distant until I feel that connection. 

I know it's possible that I haven't met the right guy, but to not feel the butterflies even a little bit when I'm on a date with an attractive guy who is totally into me? I feel like there's something wrong.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this post. Advice if you have it, I guess? Tell me it's a phase you go through after divorce and it will pass?

[Deleted]

I've gone through periods like this. Where the guy on paper is great, and even dates are pretty awesome, but it just isn't clicking. There were times where I found myself going down the long-term dating/relationship path because I'd think, "Why NOT like this guy and date him? It'll click eventually," and it just never did. I've learned I really need to be crazy about the guy and willing to jump in with two feet, even if that means I'm going to get hurt.

I think it's probably just not the right guy for you, but if you want to keep dating around casually, there's no harm in that.

[Deleted]

Earlier this week I broke it off with a guy who was like this to me. I find this happens to me way more often than not and honestly I think it's totally normal. Love isn't formulaic and it doesn't always make sense. Just becuase someone is physically attractive and into me, doesn't mean I will be into him you know? I also think this is a general product of online dating, you decide to go on a date not because of a mutual attraction, but because of common interests, initial physical attraction ot a photo, etc. So I think this situation is quite common.

[Serenity9]

Thanks for the reassurance, guys. I just feel so cold sometimes, and I don't like that feeling. I see my friends going on dates and getting all giddy over a guy, and I worry that that isn't happening for me. I'm not impatient for any kind of long-term relationship, but even just having that giddy feeling would be nice.

[Deleted]

Dec 3, 2015 12:01:30 GMT -5 Serenity9 said:

Thanks for the reassurance, guys. I just feel so cold sometimes, and I don't like that feeling. I see my friends going on dates and getting all giddy over a guy, and I worry that that isn't happening for me. I'm not impatient for any kind of long-term relationship, but even just having that giddy feeling would be nice.

I think some people just tend to click with more people than others. It takes A LOT for me to actually fall for someone. I think it just boils down to people being different that's all. Relationships are tricky stuff. 

[jigsy]

I agree with everyone, sometimes a perfect on paper doesn't translate to perfect in life. It is why I just don't really like online dating for myself - I like to know there is that in person chemistry that will at least drive initial attraction.

But it may also be good to do a little self-evaluation too...do you have walls built up that will prevent a connection? I find the not wanting to compliment thing a little...I don't know...curious? I don't think giving a genuine compliment is leading someone on.

[brooke77]

I'm not sure how long you've been single, but those feelings sound normal to me. Maybe no one is super exciting? I would explore why you were hesitant to give a compliment if you were thinking it, though.

[Deleted]

re: the compliment thing - I've done that, too. Or not wanted to post a bunch of stuff/pics/share IRL because I knew the guy wasn't "it." That he wasn't going to be around long and I wasn't putting forth any effort being in the relationship. IME, it's just time to pull the plug or not even go on another date.

I've been straight up giddy, if I'm honest w/myself regarding past dating, over the last four+ years TWICE. Twice I have been consistently giggly stupid excited to go on dates with someone and/or be in a relationship with them. One turned into a long term relationship and the other is just beginning. I think your experience is more normal that not.

[glynn]

I feel "broken" also but not for those reasons. I can get excited to get to know someone and go out and such. It is the long term stuff that I feel like I can't follow thru on or get out of. I like people even though I can't see the future so I mess it up. Or I like them and out of no where they drop me and I left wondering why. Dating is hard... Hugs

[Serenity9]

Okay, story time. Maybe my not "clicking" with people is my subconscious picking up on red flags I don't see.

Part of the reason for this post is that I went on a first date with a guy yesterday who seemed so great, but I had no feelings. (Part of the reason was also the last guy I dated, but not relevant here.) I still wanted to meet him for a second date, though, because he did seem great.

Well, today, the guy from that date texted me that he was in my neck of the woods and needed help. He's new in town, so I thought maybe he needed directions somewhere. Well, it turned out, he was at his company x-mas party near my office, had pulled into a parking garage, but had forgotten his wallet at home.

OMG, this guy has known me less than 24 hours, and he wants me to come pay for his parking? I asked if one of his coworkers can help, and he says he just started the job a couple of months ago and it would be too embarrassing to ask. But it's less embarrassing to ask a girl you went on a first date with just hours ago?!? Wow, the dating market apparently really sucks!

[alleinesein]

Feeling broken or defective is normal.  I think that most of us have had a time where we wonder WTF is wrong with us when it just isn't working out with a guy or we can't even get a date.  

I am currently in a permanent state of broken.  The past month has been brutal- I watched 2 guys I dated get engaged to the woman that they met after me and I watched my relationship implode due to stupid crap (I treated him like an adult and didn't behave like a spoiled brat when he had to work and cancel plans; he wanted someone who pouted and had a fit and demanded attention whenever he did that.  Apparently my mature approach didn't work with his preconceived notions of what a healthy relationship is and he "can't do" long distance because he wants someone to be at his beck and call)

I have never had good luck with online dating; I will meet someone, have what seems like a good time (lots of conversation and date will last for 5+ hrs) and 99% of the time I can't even get a second date.  

I think that part of the problem for both sexes is that nowadays we have instant gratification for a vast majority of things in our lives and we allow this to interfere with dating.  If there isn't an instant attraction and connection people can be tempted to move onto someone better.  No one really wants to take the time to see if a relationship can develop because there is always someone else out there on Tinder, Okc, POF, Match, etc.  We are too quick to next someone over something minor.

[doglove]

Dec 4, 2015 0:06:48 GMT -5 Serenity9 said:

Okay, story time. Maybe my not "clicking" with people is my subconscious picking up on red flags I don't see.

Part of the reason for this post is that I went on a first date with a guy yesterday who seemed so great, but I had no feelings. (Part of the reason was also the last guy I dated, but not relevant here.) I still wanted to meet him for a second date, though, because he did seem great.

Well, today, the guy from that date texted me that he was in my neck of the woods and needed help. He's new in town, so I thought maybe he needed directions somewhere. Well, it turned out, he was at his company x-mas party near my office, had pulled into a parking garage, but had forgotten his wallet at home.

OMG, this guy has known me less than 24 hours, and he wants me to come pay for his parking? I asked if one of his coworkers can help, and he says he just started the job a couple of months ago and it would be too embarrassing to ask. But it's less embarrassing to ask a girl you went on a first date with just hours ago?!? Wow, the dating market apparently really sucks!

Oh fu@k no! NO NO NO NO. 

[Serenity9]

The saga continues!

Before he made his weird request, we had talked about getting together again on that Friday. After the weirdness I obviously didn't want to see him again, but I figured I'd wait for him to touch base about Friday and tell him then. Well, Friday came and went, and he didn't contact me. So add flakiness to the list of problems. He did end up texting me on Saturday, and I told him then exactly why I don't want to see him. He said he was surprised, LOL, but after I explained it he understood why.

BUT HE KEEPS TEXTING. He texted asking for another chance, and I just ignored his text. 2 days later, he texts again "Good morning, Sunshine! How's your day?" Does this actually work for him? Sooooo weird.

[liubot]

I think "broken" has a lot to do with clicking with people. I felt broken for a long time and dated. I never felt great about the men but they were good enough to fill a blank space I suppose. I wouldn't go above and beyond for them, just spend time with them when I had nothing better to do. I think you have to be ready but you will know when you are. Only you. It just happens one day, or at least it did for me. People can tell you you're doing the wrong thing until their blue in the face. People will always judge you for your choices and your actions. It's not right but it's life. Do what feels right for you.

[wanderlustmom]

Yes I agree that it starts with the internal feeling of broken. What if you didn't feel that way? What if you believed every day that you were strong, beautiful and interesting and that dating will only augment the happiness that already is in abundance by just being you? I met my husband when I was the happiest with myself and my marriage is the strongest when I put myself first. I know I'm using a lot of hyperbole--but you aren't broken. Never have been and never will. If the man doesn't adore you and respect you--move on.