How soon did you start dating?

[jenstar]

Time and therapy will help so much CP. I am about 18 months out from separation although I had made my decision a good 6 months before that and I am still not sure I'm ready to date. I was "seeing" a guy for a little while and it was a strange situation (and long distance) but I thought it would work out. It didn't though, and it was so hard at the time, feeling rejected. But it made me realize that there are still things I want to work on before I jump into anything again.

My XH started dating probably a couple of months after we separated (a month after DS and I moved out), I guess when he realized I didn't want to reconcile. I didn't actually get confirmation that he was seeing someone until 7 months later and even then it gave me huge anxiety. I was especially worried about his new gf and I really struggled to keep my mind off of it. Luckily I was in therapy at the time and I worked through it. They finally broke up for the last time in October (she and I are now friends) and he is seeing someone new now and I honesty have barely given it a second thought. I am too busy with my own life to be concerned this time. And I know there is no way XH has processed anything from our marriage so it's highly likely he'll keep doing the same things and I've just stopped caring.
Time and therapy! GL!

[phoeny]

Well it's been two years and I haven't dated anyone yet

[al320]

I dont participate here a lot but thought id throw in my 2 cents.

Its different for everyone.

My marriage died a slow death over the course of a few years. Nothing dramatic happened, we had a very amicable split, and by the time we decided to call it, i was well beyond mourning the end of my relationship with my ex.

I waited about a month after he moved out to date. Keep in mind though that im not dating with the purpose of finding a new husband or even a boyfriend. Im dating to meet people, learn more about myself and what im looking for in others, and for sex. Its been great so far, and felt totally ready and fine for this kind of dating.

[GilliC]

Someone posted this quote at some point, and it really struck home with me. It may be a piece of internet sentimentality, but I think it contains some useful wisdom.

[al320]

Dec 7, 2015 6:45:08 GMT -5 GilliC said:

Someone posted this quote at some point, and it really struck home with me. It may be a piece of internet sentimentality, but I think it contains some useful wisdom.

I love this,.and its so true

[glitzyglow]

I started dating immediately after my divorce was approved and it was such a mistake. I was so, so not ready and I hurt a really nice guy by dating too soon. I waited another year before I jumped onto the online dating apps and looking back I don't think I was even ready then, which probably showed by how super picky I was being (guard up and all). I eventually let dating fall off my radar and I don't think I actively started seriously dating until about 3 years after my divorce. I needed the time to heal and to figure out who I was, what I wanted, etc. I was with exH from my 16th birthday until I was 25, so I had a lot of soul-searching to do. I had no idea who I was independently from him.

[jojoandleo]

This thread has made me think back to everyone dating years ago and how it all worked out. And miss some posters who aren't ever around anymore. Everyone has grown up so much!

[Queen Mamadala]

Dec 4, 2015 14:27:50 GMT -5 jigsy said:

Everyone above brought up great points. I fully admit that I was lucky to have a positive experience, because it could have easily been negative. But I do want to re-iterate...I was also in therapy -I do not think that I was fucked with a magic penis that fixed me...I was already working on myself. Maybe I would have moved on independent of getting back out on the scene...I think that the time away (I moved across the country from the ex...), plus the therapy meant that I was ready to accept moving on and engage in any type of relationship.

I didn't go out, fuck, and then work on myself...working on myself, giving myself distance from the prior relationship, and grieving the end of my marriage fully gave me the confidence to put myself out.

Andplusalso...I am pretty sure many poster here would not recommend my route for good reason. I am not the poster child of perfect post-divorce relationships. lol.

Heh. Yeah. I was seeing a therapist for depression/anxiety related issues before and during the end of my marriage. I did bring up my marriage and revealed things that made things more clear, and worked through them, admitted things to myself, etc. My exH and I had already grown apart and headed down different paths, and we came to the realization, mostly me at first, that we were better off apart than together. It was amicable and we're still friends. We married super young when we were part of a religious cult and once we left that all behind our lives changed a lot, lots of soul-searching on my end, and figuring out the new "me" and what I wanted. He needed to do the same.

Since our marriage was open toward the end, I was already dating, but I still wouldn't recommend some of those choices, since they weren't always thought out or discerning. I had been out of the dating scene for 9 years by the time I started dating again, and it was an eye-opening experience. I did have some great experiences, but there were indeed undesirables/duds in the two and a half years I spent dating. I learned even more about myself, what I wanted and what I didn't want, etc. I did OLD exclusively. I prefer it over other mediums for many reasons, but it certainly takes time to adjust to it. There are also many factors to one's experiences with OLD. 

[doglove]

Dec 7, 2015 10:54:47 GMT -5 glitzyglow said:

I started dating immediately after my divorce was approved and it was such a mistake. I was so, so not ready and I hurt a really nice guy by dating too soon. I waited another year before I jumped onto the online dating apps and looking back I don't think I was even ready then, which probably showed by how super picky I was being (guard up and all). I eventually let dating fall off my radar and I don't think I actively started seriously dating until about 3 years after my divorce. I needed the time to heal and to figure out who I was, what I wanted, etc. I was with exH from my 16th birthday until I was 25, so I had a lot of soul-searching to do. I had no idea who I was independently from him.

I think this is good advice. I have been separated/now divorced for a year and a half. I have been on a few first dates, but keep realizing that no, I'm not ready to date. I think the first year was grieving the loss of the marriage and now I'm ready to focus on myself. I know society tells us WE HAVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE to be whole or a validated person, but honestly it's just a crock of crap. We don't need to date or be in a partnership to have meaning in our lives. We can be our own mirrors, our friends can be our mirrors and help us feel validated, we can give back to our communities by volunteering and focusing on activities that make us feel good and whole inside. If you can find a way to love yourself from the inside out and get comfortable living for yourself, that's when you'll start to shine. 

[GilliC]

On the retrospective note, I will admit that I dated awfully soon after my split. I wouldn't recommend it, and I think I was very lucky.

I did fine at casual dating with no commitments, and I was very up front about it. However, it was only about 8 months before I decided to be exclusive with someone. Luckily for me it was a veerrrry long-distance relationship, which ended up giving me a lot of the space I didn't know I needed. If we had been in the same place, it could have easily been a disaster. The distance also helped because we were looking for a reason to simplify things and split up, which meant that neither of us was in it just to be in a relationship, and we didn't hold back discussing deal breakers.

It's been 4 years now, and we still haven't even lived in the same city. I'm getting there, but I definitely don't mind taking things so slow. I guess I'd better get there soon, because his work transfer was announced today, and he'll be moving to town in a few months.