How soon did you start dating?

[doriswe]

1. There's no medal to be won for rushing back into dating. I don't know one single person who is all "gawd, I wished I hadn't waited to get in a good place to date!" Take your time. Dating can be a total mindfuck even with a healthy mind/heart.

2. "Moving forward" by getting involved with someone else is unhealthy and will not end up well for you or that other person. It's unfair to both of you to go into it with that mindset.

3. My answer to your question would be "too soon" and I was a total mess. I think I went on my first few dates 3 months after XH moved out. I was a trainwreck and, thankfully, was able to see it and pull it back. I took a year off to heal/learn/grow/forgive.

[somersault72]

I waited a long time. Too long, really. I was in no condition to date after my divorce. I was blindsided by the whole thing, I'd never been been on my own, and I was trying to figure out how to parent a 2 year old on my own (well, 50% of the time at that point). I'm glad I waited to start dating again. I know it sounds corny, but I really did need to focus on me. That said, I waited too long after I did feel ready because I was scared. I had never really dated before (had been with ex-h from the time I was 18 until I was 30).

I started on EHarmony because a friend suggested it. I did not like EHarmony, plus it was expensive. I took a break and then joined Match, which I liked better. I didn't find online dating, or dating in general to be "fun", but I did meet my bf on there. I would have no idea where to meet people if it weren't for online dating.

I think the answer is different for everyone, but I seem to be the exception rather than the rule for dating. Most people I know starting dating pretty quickly.

[jojoandleo]

Girl, this whole post reads like, "Bad Idea 101." And I am all for people dating whenever as long as they don't get serious. But you are not ready for casual dating, even. You are wanting to date to get back at your STBXH. As if it is a competition. And that is a terribly unhealthy mindset.

I totally get wanting attention. But maybe work on yourself to be happy with getting attention FROM YOU before dating. I would hate for you to fall for someone just because you crave attention and end up in a terrible place. The mindset you are in right now is how people end up with the totally charming asshat cheater dickfaces of the world. They PREY on that mindset. They would smell you coming a mile away.

[1confused1]

doriswe is wise, please read what she had to say.

It took me almost a year and a half to get to a place where I felt comfortable to try dating.

[brooke77]

My marriage was dead before he moved out 7 months ago? I initiated the divorce. I haven't been on one date yet. So... not "soon".

Divorce/separation hurts. You won't be able to not feel the hurt. My ex is giving his "attention" to a 23 year old. That hurts too. But, even if I had the attention of a handsome man, I don't think the reality of a marriage ending ( and 10 year relationship) wouldn't be there for me to deal with, someday.

[cuddlyevil]

I waited 6 months after the split, but then still waited a bit longer after I moved out. Every time I'd dip my toe in the water, it'd bring up something that I knew I'd have to deal with before being a good partner to anyone.

I've dated here and there, but nothing serious. Frankly, I am enjoying hanging out with my friends and exploring the city I live in.

My exh started dating right away and saddled himself with someone as co-dependent as he is.

[Deleted]

I think dating is fine once you've moved on from your husband/marriage. When you feel in a good place about the fact that you are divorced and feel ready to start the next chapter.

I waited about 8 months after our split. I did not find my divorce "devastating" though. Tough, yes, but I knew pretty much from day 1 that it was for the best and it was more of a relief than anything.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of healing to do before you should think about dating. I know lots of people jump into it right away but I don't believe that's generally healthy.

[Deleted]

chocolatepickle a new person will not help you get over this. YOU need to get it over it yourself. It's only been a few months. You drug this out forever by playing family so you need to give yourself some time to start adjusting to actually being separated. Focus on learning how to give yourself the attention you demand.

[pinkdutchtulips]

About a year ... Xh and I split in 9/13 and I started dating again in 8/14

It's different for everyone, my sil started dating basically 3 months after she and her xh split.

[jellymankelly]

Six months. It was too soon. I was a mess. It was a good 15-18 months before I was in the position to have a healthy relationship. The difference in dating after that point and before was huge. I learned a lot, so I can't say I regret it all, but those learning experiences sucked at the time. It would have been less painful at the time to learn about myself on my own rather than having to learn via trial and error with other people involved.

[Deleted]

Dec 4, 2015 11:26:47 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

What about just getting on a dating app and having people like me without actually doing more? lol Is that a bad idea? Or are they going to remember me when I am ready to be out there for real and the stigma will stick?

This sounds like a bad idea.

Everyone is different so I started dating a few months after separation but I'm 100% confident in myself and was 100% over my ex.

I think you need to be honest with yourself and it doesn't sound like dating at this time will go well for you. There really is no rush.

[bg]

It sounds like you're taking the others advice to heart, which is good. Focus on making yourself happy right now by being kind to yourself and giving yourself the attention that you deserve.

Go to a movie you want to see. Take an afternoon to read a book you've been wanting to read. Take up a hobby you've always wanted to start. Buy a new piece of clothing or jewelry. Get a mani/pedi. And reach out to your friends too.

I've been told to embrace the sadness -- it's part of the grieving process. But I'm so with you on wanting to fast forward to the part where it doesn't hurt anymore. We'll get there!

[jellymankelly]

Dec 4, 2015 11:26:47 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

What about just getting on a dating app and having people like me without actually doing more? lol Is that a bad idea? Or are they going to remember me when I am ready to be out there for real and the stigma will stick?

No, but if you need this kind of validation, it proves you aren't ready. I was ignored by my XH for years so I needed a lot of attention at first and that caused a lot of problems.
Getting to the point where I didn't need that kind of validation from other people was huge. I could be "me" rather than what I thought people wanted from me.

[1confused1]

You could really benefit from seeing a counselor.

You guys need to stop playing house, he is manipulating you and this situation is not going to help you to accept what is going on.

[doriswe]

Honestly, I think a lot of us can understand the feelings you're having. The loneliness is really tough but I would recommend doing things with friends vs. dating. There are ways to fill the void without getting involved with some dude.

[Queen Mamadala]

I don't know your situation, OP, so I hesitate to give advice. Every separation and divorce is different. The end of my first marriage was open/poly, so I was already dating others, in a relationship, when we officially separated. We had been living separately, in different states, and were "done" by the time we made it official. There were periods where I wasn't dating at all, but no real separation or gap between my separation and getting back in the dating scene.

If you're not in the right head space, and I'm guessing this is all recent, I'd put off dating until you've worked through whatever it is you need to.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 4, 2015 11:33:25 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

But can you believe that STBX told me that he sincerely thought I would be cool with him seeing somebody openly just a month after a divorce convo, that I seemed like I didn't care anymore (I was just saving my face and not asking for reconciliation anymore since I got shut down)? So he figured I was cool now and he didn't think it was necessary to hide or guard the info in our shared accounts.

I am a hot mess now.

Most of us were hot messes at this stage.  Hence why I know this is bad idea 101.  I already took that class.  In fact, I ACED that class!  I could teach the damn thing.

And your STBXH didn't seriously think you would totes be cool with his new piece of ass.  He's an asshole who wanted to "win" the no caring contest.  "Oh, you no longer are asking to reconcile, well, I AM DATING SOMEONE ELSE!"  Fuck him.  I hope he gets chlamydia. 

Just no, he's not over it completely either.  And he is a hot mess too.  But you CAN win the hot mess contest by working on YOURSELF.  By waiting to date until you are over this break up.  I know you feel bad and like you just want someone to want YOU right now.  That's 100% normal.  I suggest doing something just for yourself right now rather than online compliment gathering.  Is there something you have always wanted to do?  A trip you have always wanted to take?  Do it now!  Leave the kids with STBXH for a weekend and go skydiving, or go to Vegas, or spend the weekend in your pajamas watching lifetime movies while drinking your favorite wine and eating cool whip straight out of the container.

[cuddlyevil]

Dec 4, 2015 11:33:25 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

But can you believe that STBX told me that he sincerely thought I would be cool with him seeing somebody openly just a month after a divorce convo, that I seemed like I didn't care anymore (I was just saving my face and not asking for reconciliation anymore since I got shut down)? So he figured I was cool now and he didn't think it was necessary to hide or guard the info in our shared accounts.

I am a hot mess now.

Mine had his profile up a week and half after we decided to split. Then was stunned when I told him I thought it was too soon because we were still living together and hadn't told the kids. His reply was "How long should I be miserable? 6 months? A year? I don't want to be alone H.". 

Just because he's making ridiculously bad decisions, does not mean you should too. Work on getting through the divorce, figure out who you are as a single woman and then go from there.

[cuddlyevil]

I was the one who made the decision to end it (we were both unhappy, but he was very "cold pizza is better than no pizza" and was willing to stick it out even though he had another woman's number disguised in his phone for at least 4 months before I told him I was done). So for me, it was not much of a surprise--it was more of a sign that I had made the right decision. "It must not bother him that much since I'm that easy to replace.".

But, I had also been in therapy for several months. So I was at a point where I was ready to separate and move on.

[jigsy]

I think I am probably in the minority, but I only waited about 6 months. I didn't want anything serious, but took on the attitude of "Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else". Honestly, for me, it worked. I ended up finding a dude who helped me _really_ see how fucked up some of my relationship with my XH was. I was also in therapy at the same time, which also helped at the same time.

For me, I was able to really put XH behind me once I went out and experienced first hand that I wasn't destined to be alone (which is stupid...of course I wouldn't be...) It was also good that I found a guy who appreciated my body exactly as it is, which was a major issue with my XH - it is really hard to build self-esteem when you are constantly being reminded that you are not "perfect". It is amazing how much easier it is to love yourself when the external voices are cheering you on instead of tearing you down.

I also recognize that I am less emotional than some people so I was able to have an intimate relationship for months before bringing my walls down to let feelings come out, so it certainly isn't the best path for everyone, but for myself, I wouldn't have it any other way.

ETA: I posted before reading all the follow-ups from you OP - Girl, your STBX is an asshat. Plain and simple. He told you because he is an asshat. Get into therapy and start finding yourself. And it's probably a good idea to start a game plan on A - telling the kids and B - setting up groundrules re: when kids meet SO's. Your STBX, the asshat, probably isn't really going to take into consideration what is best for your kids...but you don't need to go there too just because you are hurt.

[doriswe]

Dec 4, 2015 12:41:31 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Dec 4, 2015 12:33:54 GMT -5 jigsy said:

For me, I was able to really put XH behind me once I went out and experienced first hand that I wasn't destined to be alone (which is stupid...of course I wouldn't be...) It was also good that I found a guy who appreciated my body exactly as it is, which was a major issue with my XH - it is really hard to build self-esteem when you are constantly being reminded that you are not "perfect". It is amazing how much easier it is to love yourself when the external voices are cheering you on instead of tearing     you down.    

I think this is kinda exactly where I am coming from. I am reading all the other comments on here and I am realizing that's it's probably kinda dysfunctional but I am not looking for a proper relationship, I know I am not ready, although I agree that's scary and I could probably get attached to somebody too quickly just because they like me. I just want somebody to like me, dammit! We've been doing this separation thing on and off for 10 months now and my roller coaster continues although it seems better. I am sort of desperate to try something else. Rejection is what hurts the most here because I do know we had issues and not a happy marriage.

And what will you do if the meanlingless thing you stumble into turns into a rejection? You're opening the door to a lot more hurt and self-doubt.

I'm also aware that you're going to do you, but know that you can take some time to rebuild your own internal strength and then get that external validation.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 4, 2015 12:41:31 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Dec 4, 2015 12:33:54 GMT -5 jigsy said:

For me, I was able to really put XH behind me once I went out and experienced first hand that I wasn't destined to be alone (which is stupid...of course I wouldn't be...) It was also good that I found a guy who appreciated my body exactly as it is, which was a major issue with my XH - it is really hard to build self-esteem when you are constantly being reminded that you are not "perfect". It is amazing how much easier it is to love yourself when the external voices are cheering you on instead of tearing     you down.    

I think this is kinda exactly where I am coming from. I am reading all the other comments on here and I am realizing that's it's probably kinda dysfunctional but I am not looking for a proper relationship, I know I am not ready, although I agree that's scary and I could probably get attached to somebody too quickly just because they like me. I just want somebody to like me, dammit! We've been doing this separation thing on and off for 10 months now and my roller coaster continues although it seems better. I am sort of desperate to try something else. Rejection is what hurts the most here because I do know we had issues and not a happy marriage.

Never date out of desperation.  My mom told me the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.  She's on her fourth marriage.  I don't take her relationship advice.  And it DOES feel good to be wanted.  And dating CAN give you a self-esteem boost, but all that is fleeting.  It's a boost until it ends, and then you need to get your new fix somewhere else.  Until you learn to fix yourself, it is NOT a long term cure.

Take time for you.  Because dating is also filled with rejection.  You may get a self esteem boost, but you may also get a self esteem shove down.  And I don't think you can handle that right now.

Are you in counseling?  Let me tell you, that helped me get over my ex more than anything else.  Not only that, but it helped me with a LOT of my issues to not fall into the same trap next time.  And it gave me WAY more self esteem than dating ever has.

[cuddlyevil]

Dec 4, 2015 12:41:31 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Dec 4, 2015 12:33:54 GMT -5 jigsy said:

I think this is kinda exactly where I am coming from. I am reading all the other comments on here and I am realizing that's it's probably kinda dysfunctional but I am not looking for a proper relationship, I know I am not ready, although I agree that's scary and I could probably get attached to somebody too quickly just because they like me. I just want somebody to like me, dammit! We've been doing this separation thing on and off for 10 months now and my roller coaster continues although it seems better. I am sort of desperate to try something else. Rejection is what hurts the most here because I do know we had issues and not a happy marriage.

If you're not in counseling, you need to start ASAFP. Because if rejection is hurting you now, getting back into dating will not help that--if anything it may make it hurt worse.

[1confused1]

Dec 4, 2015 13:11:46 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Dec 4, 2015 12:41:31 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

I think this is kinda exactly where I am coming from. I am reading all the other comments on here and I am realizing that's it's probably kinda dysfunctional but I am not looking for a proper relationship, I know I am not ready, although I agree that's scary and I could probably get attached to somebody too quickly just because they like me. I just want somebody to like me, dammit! We've been doing this separation thing on and off for 10 months now and my roller coaster continues although it seems better. I am sort of desperate to try something else. Rejection is what hurts the most here because I do know we had issues and not a happy marriage.

If you're not in counseling, you need to start ASAFP. Because if rejection is hurting you now, getting back into dating will not help that--if anything it may make it hurt worse.

I totally agree with this.  My first break up was harder on me than my marriage ending.

[bg]

You just want someone to like you -- but YOU have to spend time learning to like you for you, not because someone else likes you.

It's really really hard. I agree with the others about therapy -- so helpful! But hard too.

[Deleted]

I think getting attention elsewhere could backfire. What if you don't get that many people interested in your dating profile? What if the first guy you go out with ends up being a jerk, or isn't that into you, or ends up feeling like rejection in another way? You need to be able to handle rejection (to some degree) before dating. Otherwise it's just going to end up putting you in a worse spot.

And you could be the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world and still have a bad experience dating, online or otherwise, so I don't mean anything about that for you personally at all.

[jigsy]

Everyone above brought up great points. I fully admit that I was lucky to have a positive experience, because it could have easily been negative. But I do want to re-iterate...I was also in therapy -I do not think that I was fucked with a magic penis that fixed me...I was already working on myself. Maybe I would have moved on independent of getting back out on the scene...I think that the time away (I moved across the country from the ex...), plus the therapy meant that I was ready to accept moving on and engage in any type of relationship.

I didn't go out, fuck, and then work on myself...working on myself, giving myself distance from the prior relationship, and grieving the end of my marriage fully gave me the confidence to put myself out.

Andplusalso...I am pretty sure many poster here would not recommend my route for good reason. I am not the poster child of perfect post-divorce relationships. lol.

[itsalllies]

Dec 4, 2015 11:33:25 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

But can you believe that STBX told me that he sincerely thought I would be cool with him seeing somebody openly just a month after a divorce convo, that I seemed like I didn't care anymore (I was just saving my face and not asking for reconciliation anymore since I got shut down)? So he figured I was cool now and he didn't think it was necessary to hide or guard the info in our shared accounts.

I am a hot mess now.

please forgive me if this sounds harsh, it's not my intention.  Him seeing someone else does not change your and his status.  Whether he was talking to someone else or not, you two weren't reconciling.  I'm actually surprised that you are both that open to each other.  My stbxh and I were together since we were 16.  He was my best friend, but the minute he walked away, all that ended.  Maybe one day I'll feel differently and want to be friendly (at least for the sake of our kid) but right now, to move past this, you have to stop being so chummy with him.  You're hurt. You have to heal and him coming over and having meals with you and playing house isn't helping you.

I would suggest going out more often and having a good time.  Maybe you'll get attention, maybe you wont, but at the very least you'll have a good time and that should be a boost.

[alleinesein]

Dec 4, 2015 12:41:31 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Dec 4, 2015 12:33:54 GMT -5 jigsy said:

For me, I was able to really put XH behind me once I went out and experienced first hand that I wasn't destined to be alone (which is stupid...of course I wouldn't be...) It was also good that I found a guy who appreciated my body exactly as it is, which was a major issue with my XH - it is really hard to build self-esteem when you are constantly being reminded that you are not "perfect". It is amazing how much easier it is to love yourself when the external voices are cheering you on instead of tearing     you down.    

I think this is kinda exactly where I am coming from. I am reading all the other comments on here and I am realizing that's it's probably kinda dysfunctional but I am not looking for a proper relationship, I know I am not ready, although I agree that's scary and I could probably get attached to somebody too quickly just because they like me. I just want somebody to like me, dammit! We've been doing this separation thing on and off for 10 months now and my roller coaster continues although it seems better. I am sort of desperate to try something else. Rejection is what hurts the most here because I do know we had issues and not a happy marriage.

Do not date or a put up a profile on any dating site.  Dating nowadays is a huge mindfuck and you will experience more rejection than you are ready to handle.  Some guys on dating sites are straight up rude and mean and if you aren't in a healthy mental state you really won't be able to handle online dating.  I can count on one hand the number of guys who have responded positively to me in the past year- 3. On the flip side the number of guys who have either ignored me, told me to eff off or have straight up called me ugly/fat/too old is hovering somewhere around 50 right now.  You will not find what you are looking for by jumping headfirst into the dating world.

Find a social group if you want to go out and meet new people.  A local hiking club, game group, book club, dining club or something that you are interested in.  

[bg]

Untangling will help you a lot. Try to limit contact as much as possible. But you already know all of this. :-)