Hi! Newbie with a custody question

[cm09]

Hi everyone!

I've been lurking for awhile, but thought I should introduce myself and ask y'all for some input.

XH and I separated in the spring after 6 years of marriage, divorce was finalized in July. Somewhat contentious process, but we ended up settling out of court. We have 2 kids, ages 5 and 3, both still in preschool. 

So custody right now is more or less expanded standard - he gets the kids Thurs-Sun on 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends, and Wednesday dinner + Thursdays overnight on his off weeks. Starting in June, that Wednesday dinner turns into an overnight as well. 

He wants to move to a 2-2-5-5 schedule next summer (I'm guessing mostly because he doesn't like having them 2 weekends in a row) - so if I agree, I'd have the kids Monday/Tues, he'd have them Wed/Thurs, and then we'd alternate weekends.

So I'm torn. I think it would be good for the kids, especially DD who will be starting kinder in the fall, to know that every Mon/Tues they are with mom, every Wed/Thurs they're with dad. The every other Wednesday thing is kinda confusing. On the flip side, I'd end up with a little less overall time. While it would be nice to have more weekend time (those back-to-back 5th/1st weekends really suck for me - and I think there are 4 or 5 5th weekends next year), I'd have less evening time by giving up every other Wednesday.

wwyd? this is completely my decision btw, it's not being negotiated or anything.

thanks! and hope to post more frequently and get to know y'all better!

[jojoandleo]

I don't have kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

First-do you all live in the same school district? What if one of you moves out of the district? Whose home would decide where they go? What about if they have to take the bus to school? These are my first thoughts.

Second-is he a good dad? Will he make sure they do their homework when at his house? Not forget to pack the school folders? Will he help them with homework if they need it?

I don't think you are losing a ton of time with the suggested arrangement. If school is not an issue and your ex is a good father, I don't see a reason not to do it. BUT, if your schedule as it is is working, there may not be a reason to change it. Stability is good for kids. You don't want to change it now and then have school issues come up later and have to change it again.

[kanga1]

Just another thing to consider, could this have anything to do with child support? If you opt for the new schedule would it change the amount of child support you receive and would that impact your ability to provide for your kiddos?

[cuddlyevil]

As someone with a mid-week transfer, I'll say this: it sucks during the school year. I have them Wednesday evening through Monday morning and they're with their dad the rest of the time. He lives 30 minutes away, so it sucks for him to drive to drop two of them off at school over by our house. Wednesday nights are usually chaos in our house, the boys (4 & 6) are at loose ends typically--they adjust quickly but bedtime is a bear.

[cm09]

Dec 7, 2015 13:06:30 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I don't have kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

First-do you all live in the same school district? What if one of you moves out of the district? Whose home would decide where they go? What about if they have to take the bus to school? These are my first thoughts.

Second-is he a good dad? Will he make sure they do their homework when at his house? Not forget to pack the school folders? Will he help them with homework if they need it?

I don't think you are losing a ton of time with the suggested arrangement. If school is not an issue and your ex is a good father, I don't see a reason not to do it. BUT, if your schedule as it is is working, there may not be a reason to change it. Stability is good for kids. You don't want to change it now and then have school issues come up later and have to change it again.

We are not in the same school district, but the kids will most likely go to private school next year (xh wants this and is willing to pay for it).  I do have primary though so if I opt for public, they will go based on my residence (my decree limits me to specific districts that are close to both of us - we only live about 10 min. apart).

He is a pretty good dad. We fought a lot over custody in the divorce because he simply hasn't been around that much (work > family), but aside from a few hiccups at the beginning, he is stepping up better than I expected.

Child support will not be affected, as I will retain primary even if 50/50 possession. 

Current schedule is working, I just wonder how starting school in the fall will affect everything.  And I want all the time I can get with my kids but I wonder if it would be better to have more quality (weekend) time than just more time in general. 

[jojoandleo]

Dec 7, 2015 14:01:56 GMT -5 cm09 said:

Dec 7, 2015 13:06:30 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I don't have kids, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

First-do you all live in the same school district? What if one of you moves out of the district? Whose home would decide where they go? What about if they have to take the bus to school? These are my first thoughts.

Second-is he a good dad? Will he make sure they do their homework when at his house? Not forget to pack the school folders? Will he help them with homework if they need it?

I don't think you are losing a ton of time with the suggested arrangement. If school is not an issue and your ex is a good father, I don't see a reason not to do it. BUT, if your schedule as it is is working, there may not be a reason to change it. Stability is good for kids. You don't want to change it now and then have school issues come up later and have to change it again.

We are not in the same school district, but the kids will most likely go to private school next year (xh wants this and is willing to pay for it).  I do have primary though so if I opt for public, they will go based on my residence (my decree limits me to specific districts that are close to both of us - we only live about 10 min. apart).

He is a pretty good dad. We fought a lot over custody in the divorce because he simply hasn't been around that much (work > family), but aside from a few hiccups at the beginning, he is stepping up better than I expected.

Child support will not be affected, as I will retain primary even if 50/50 possession. 

Current schedule is working, I just wonder how starting school in the fall will affect everything.  And I want all the time I can get with my kids but I wonder if it would be better to have more quality (weekend) time than just more time in general. 

Talk to an attorney about the bolded.  Amount of time with each parent typically does affect the amount of support paid.

I may wait until the start school and see how it goes before making any changes.  You say he prioritized work over family, and I guess I would worry about school work getting done.  I just have a friend right now dealing with her ex not making their daughter do her homework/not helping her with homework and the two different households are causing problems at school.  She's about at her wits end.

[glynn]

For my kids it usually takes a good day to settle in after switching so I could be crazy all the time.... You know your kids so you need to base that one them. With My XH and H we have totally different parenting styles so that is hard also.

[1confused1]

That's a lot of moving around for them. I would look for another arrangement.

My kids are older (6 and 8) and they are a wreck when they come home from their dad's.

[cm09]

glynn 1confused1 I'm totally open to alternatives, it's just hard to know what is best. what do y'all do?

[1confused1]

Dec 7, 2015 14:35:18 GMT -5 cm09 said:

glynn 1confused1 I'm totally open to alternatives, it's just hard to know what is best. what do y'all do?

He has them every other weekend, Saturday 10am to Sunday 6pm.

FWIW, we could never agree on a schedule, this is what the court mediator recommended and the court adopted.

[formerlyak]

I'd give pause to the new arrangement when school starts if you say your ex is "work>family". Would that get the kids home later? Dinner later? After a long day of work would he sit down and deal with the homework efficiently? I find all of these to be issues with my ex, not because he values work, but because his commute is longer so they get home later, eat later, go to bed later, wake up earlier to get DS to school on time. Every year, teachers comment that DS is different on Thursdays (the day after he's slept at his dads). Luckily, it's only one night a week for DS so I simply make sure either Tuesday or Thursday is an early night so we can get extra rest and do extra nightly reading (so he doesn't have as much to do at his dad's house). But if it were two nights in a row, DS would be a zombie after the second night.

I also agree with jojo - in my state child support isn't based on who has primary, it's based on the 50% of time you physically have the children. So even if you are primary, if your time with the kids decreases and his increases, you may lose some of your child support. Definitely worth talking with a lawyer on that one.

[tiffany81]

Hi, I agree, that's a lot of moving the kids around. I'd recommend waiting and seeing how you like the new schedule first. Or trying to find something that gives him more weekend time, but less changing every 2-days.

Can you do every-other weekend vs. the 1st, 3rd, 5th? Maybe 2 nights for dinner during the week, but every Sunday-Wednesday night is at mom's house for sleep? The kids will know that that is their primary house and where they sleep on school nights. But dad gets more midweek dinner and rotating weekends.

And I agree, time overnight is generally the gauge for child support calculations, not primary custody.

[cm09]

I'm in TX, and if I'm recalling correctly from our divorce negotiations, child support is not necessarily tied to physical custody (he pushed very hard for 50/50 but I think still would have had to pay child support - we have a very large discrepancy in assets and household incomes). Anyhow... I think I'm going to let things stand as is for now, and reevaluate after DD begins school. We'll see how xh takes it, he really likes to get his way, lol. Thank you all for the input, I appreciate it!!

[daisyn]

That sounds like too much moving around for the kids. When I shared custody we swapped every Friday after school. It was best for our son because he had extended quality time with each parent and wasn't going back and forth all the time. Plus it was simple for everyone.

[madisen]

We opted for the 2-2-3 schedule. We both thought our kids (6 and almost 4) would have a hard time with a full five days away from one or the other of us.

However, we're still in the midst of things so haven't moved to a schedule yet. Soon to be ex is still living in the family home.

[glynn]

Dec 7, 2015 14:49:13 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Dec 7, 2015 14:35:18 GMT -5 cm09 said:

glynn 1confused1 I'm totally open to alternatives, it's just hard to know what is best. what do y'all do?

He has them every other weekend, Saturday 10am to Sunday 6pm.

FWIW, we could never agree on a schedule, this is what the court mediator recommended and the court adopted.

In my first divorce every other weekend Friday 6PM until Sunday 6PM. Every other holiday and 2 weeks in the summer.

This time because we live in the same town Wednesday after school until Thursday at 7:45 when he takes her to school. Every other weekend. I have more holidays because he is nuts. 3 weeks in the summer. We have not started this yet and DD2 has some behavior issues so I am not sure how it will work. Everyone keeps telling me I will have her most of the time because he does not want to deal with her. We will see.

[cm09]

Dec 7, 2015 17:36:28 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Dec 7, 2015 16:35:23 GMT -5 cm09 said:

I'm in TX, and if I'm recalling correctly from our divorce negotiations, child support is not necessarily tied to physical custody (he pushed very hard for 50/50 but I think still would have had to pay child support - we have a very large discrepancy in assets and household incomes). Anyhow... I think I'm going to let things stand as is for now, and reevaluate after DD begins school. We'll see how xh takes it, he really likes to get his way, lol. Thank you all for the input, I appreciate it!!

Hi! I am TX too and are also in the midst of it all. I have a 4 and a 7 yo. Where in TX are you?

ETA: We haven't formalized it all yet but we are planning on doing the standard (1st, 3rd, 5th + one night). I prefer more consistency for the kids during the week.

Austin. You?

[redshoejune]

We haven't been doing this very long and don't have one of the standard schedules because we have about a 65/35 split. The midweek transitions have been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I only have to see XH once every two weeks and the rest of the transitions are school drop off or pick up. However, the midweek transitions seem like they are tough on DD1 and I might consider week on/week off 50/50 schedule when both my kids are in school.
In my case if I reduce my parenting time at all I would have to pay him support, so it absolutely would affect things in this state.

[sweetchix]

Dec 8, 2015 8:56:11 GMT -5 madisen said:

We opted for the 2-2-3 schedule. We both thought our kids (6 and almost 4) would have a hard time with a full five days away from one or the other of us.

However, we're still in the midst of things so haven't moved to a schedule yet. Soon to be ex is still living in the family home.

This is what we follow. We were going to do the "he has every M/T, I have every W/TH" and alternate weekends, but we didn't like the idea of DDs not seeing the other parent for 5 days. Even though they switch houses every 2/3 days, it works well for all of us. Oh, and DDs are 6 & almost 9.

[cyngymxo]

My ex and I have shared physical custody in which my DS goes to his dads every other weekend. He used to go to his dads on Wednesday evenings for a week night visit but once he started school we stopped that. I speak just from my experience...but kids like structure, it makes them feel secure. I think 2 nights at one house and 2 nights at another house (ESPECIALLY once they begin school) would be a lot to handle with being so young. My son is 6 and when he comes home from his weekend visits from his dad he goes through what I have termed his "reboot period" lol.
It is always hard to know what's best and I still second guess myself sometimes with decisions relating to my son and his dad and things that come up. It is a constant learning process.
Good luck with whatever you decide on!