Filed Today

[melloyello]

STBXH and I filed our paperwork this morning. It was a little weird to do. Court date is set up for early February.

Had a moment when we were filing that I was feeling conflicted. Then he berated me for not bringing a copy of something (even though I had called yesterday and they gave me a list of everything we needed to bring). We just have to bring it with to court, so not the end of the world. But it made me realize that I won't have to put up with being belittled for every little thing I do anymore.

He does not want us to tell people. I guess I kind of get why, but I want to be able to talk to my support system about it. And it's completely awkward when MIL is asking about buying us a family pass for a Christmas gift and I have to tell her no but can't explain why.

How long did you wait before you told people? Is this something that I need to be on the same page as him? Or can I just let him know I'm telling my family because I want their support? (I'm still used to being a pushover and just doing what he wants to do usually)

[doriswe]

Remember these things when you're questioning if this is right for you! As for telling people, you tell him, politely, that you are going to do what you need to do to move forward, which may include telling your support system. He is not the boss of you and he cannot dictate what you do or how you do it anymore. Like my 16 year old tells me, you do you, boo!

Hugs and good job on filing!! The other side of this thing is a pretty amazing place to be...I promise!

[bg]

My situation is a lot different, but we're each doing it our own way. I'm telling people. Like you, I want people's support. I really can't imagine going through this without my support system! He's... not. And it's led for some weirdness for him because people are confused about what's going on. If I were you, I'd just tell people. If you want you could let him know what you'll be doing.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Once word got out I left him, everyone knew the divorce would be coming ... no one was surprised.

Eta - do what's best for YOU and don't think twice about how anything will affect him, that's his problem to deal with not your's

[cuddlyevil]

We told people not long after we decided to split. Didn't tell everyone, my folks filtered the information out.

If you need to talk to your support system, DO IT. He can't control you and how you deal with the situation. People would figure it out anyway.

[abcdefu]

Ditto doriswe! It definitely helps to imagine a life without constantly being berated. It will really help after the divorce. You will most likely feel lighter! Iyt will get better.

[Deleted]

I want to nutpunch your STBXH. You can tell anyone you damn well please about your divorce. My ex tried the same thing and I was all "fuck you. No". That's a control tactic. Don't fall for it. He doesn't set the rules for your life.
I didn't call up his parents and blab about it but I told my family and friends. I waited to tell family after Christmas because we separated a week prior to and I wasn't ready for my mom's reaction. Of course when I didn't go to his parent's house for Christmas, I figured they would know but my ex told them I couldn't get off of work. Um no. I gave no fucks because I knew eventually he'd have to come clean about our divorce.

[flatlan]

Sounds like filing was a very positive step for you! We had been separated for about a month before we actually filed. I told my immediate family right after we separated but waited until we filed to tell most others.

[melloyello]

Dec 11, 2015 17:36:16 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I want to nutpunch your STBXH. You can tell anyone you damn well please about your divorce. My ex tried the same thing and I was all "fuck you. No". That's a control tactic. Don't fall for it. He doesn't set the rules for your life.
I didn't call up his parents and blab about it but I told my family and friends. I waited to tell family after Christmas because we separated a week prior to and I wasn't ready for my mom's reaction. Of course when I didn't go to his parent's house for Christmas, I figured they would know but my ex told them I couldn't get off of work. Um no. I gave no fucks because I knew eventually he'd have to come clean about our divorce.

I think that's exactly what this is. Him still trying to control me. Fuck it. I'm telling my family and just letting him know that I did

[glitzyglow]

I told everyone I loved the moment I filed. They were and are my support system and goodness knows I needed support!

[bobthebuilder]

I told anyone. BUT I'm not a private person. My ex was never faithful and after we were married he stopped hiding it. He told me I would be embarrassed -- No- sorry not me. I was embarrassed that I didn't see it before we got married but after NOPE - he did what he did on his own. Do what you need to do for support. If its telling a few close friends or family that's what you need. If its telling whomever asks go for it. YOU are in charge of you. My divorce took 4 months start to finish because he was embarrassed... Your STBXH and his opinion is not your problem anymore!

[Deleted]

My X was the same way - he didn't want us to tell anyone until it was done (he didn't want anyone trying to talk me into getting an attorney I'm sure). But I needed support, like you, so I told my family and friends-anyone I wanted to. I did avoid telling our mutual friends though.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Dec 11, 2015 21:50:36 GMT -5 melloyello said:

Dec 11, 2015 17:36:16 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I want to nutpunch your STBXH. You can tell anyone you damn well please about your divorce. My ex tried the same thing and I was all "fuck you. No". That's a control tactic. Don't fall for it. He doesn't set the rules for your life.
I didn't call up his parents and blab about it but I told my family and friends. I waited to tell family after Christmas because we separated a week prior to and I wasn't ready for my mom's reaction. Of course when I didn't go to his parent's house for Christmas, I figured they would know but my ex told them I couldn't get off of work. Um no. I gave no fucks because I knew eventually he'd have to come clean about our divorce.

I think that's exactly what this is. Him still trying to control me. Fuck it. I'm telling my family and just letting him know that I did

I wouldn't even let him know that you told your family about the divorce. He doesn't need to know.

[1confused1]

Dec 12, 2015 12:20:52 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Dec 11, 2015 21:50:36 GMT -5 melloyello said:

I think that's exactly what this is. Him still trying to control me. Fuck it. I'm telling my family and just letting him know that I did

I wouldn't even let him know that you told your family about the divorce. He doesn't need to know.

I agree, there's no reason to tell him.  You need to start getting used to not having him in your life and telling him things (especially if he is going to try and manipulate you).

I told my close friends and family because I needed their support.  Everyone else just kind of either figured it out or it was passed by word of mouth.

[redshoejune]

I told a lot of people about the situation when I was trying to decide whether or not to file, but didn't tell my family. After I filed I told my parents and my sister and then let them tell whoever.

[redshoejune]

And I'm glad he gave you a reminder when he did. I got a few of those myself when we were going through the process and it reminded me he wouldn't change.

[glynn]

You do whatever you want. He can not decide for you. Good Luck!

[sacattack]

So he wants people to still think you are married? Does he not want them to ever know?
Like other posters - I would just tell him, you won't tell his "people" but you are telling yours. I'd also give him a week or so to tell his family and then after that you are going to do it, if appropriate - like the conversation with his mom about a family pass (although, I'd still get - then you can take whoever has the kids). :-)

[jigsy]

He doesn't get to dictate you life anymore. Tell who you need to tell. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable talking to his side about it, so if his mom brings up a family pass or whatever, I would tell her that it isn't a good idea, and if she pushes on why, tell her that is something she can discuss with her son. But if you feel okay with telling her, just do so.

[melloyello]

Dec 14, 2015 13:33:23 GMT -5 sacattack said:

So he wants people to still think you are married? Does he not want them to ever know?
Like other posters - I would just tell him, you won't tell his "people" but you are telling yours. I'd also give him a week or so to tell his family and then after that you are going to do it, if appropriate - like the conversation with his mom about a family pass (although, I'd still get - then you can take whoever has the kids). :-)

I really have no idea why he wanted to wait.

I did tell him Saturday that I was going to tell my family and he freaked out on me. I told them anyway. He is still not happy. I wish I had a place I could go stay for a little bit so I could get out of here ASAP.

[sacattack]

Dec 14, 2015 21:25:53 GMT -5 melloyello said:

Dec 14, 2015 13:33:23 GMT -5 sacattack said:

So he wants people to still think you are married? Does he not want them to ever know?
Like other posters - I would just tell him, you won't tell his "people" but you are telling yours. I'd also give him a week or so to tell his family and then after that you are going to do it, if appropriate - like the conversation with his mom about a family pass (although, I'd still get - then you can take whoever has the kids). :-)

I really have no idea why he wanted to wait.

I did tell him Saturday that I was going to tell my family and he freaked out on me. I told them anyway. He is still not happy. I wish I had a place I could go stay for a little bit so I could get out of here ASAP.

Living with my ex after we decided to end things we so hard. We stopped fighting about the old issues, but the awkwardness of being so physically close to someone you just ended things with was hard. I would go visit friends/family on the weekends to avoid spending anymore time with him than I needed to. Just know you will survive! :-)

[cuddlyevil]

Dec 15, 2015 12:53:18 GMT -5 sacattack said:

Dec 14, 2015 21:25:53 GMT -5 melloyello said:

I really have no idea why he wanted to wait.

I did tell him Saturday that I was going to tell my family and he freaked out on me. I told them anyway. He is still not happy. I wish I had a place I could go stay for a little bit so I could get out of here ASAP.

Living with my ex after we decided to end things we so hard. We stopped fighting about the old issues, but the awkwardness of being so physically close to someone you just ended things with was hard. I would go visit friends/family on the weekends to avoid spending anymore time with him than I needed to. Just know you will survive! :-)

Us too. Christmas was so awkward for us. He refused to put any ornaments on the tree that we did not purchase together as a "family".