My mother. The guilter.

[livinitup]

I got hit with a full-on guilt trip tonight. It's sooo annoying. My mother wanted to know my Christmas plans - and saying cheerfully "the same as always" was NOT good enough. She wanted plans for AFTER the holiday, too.

... What's that daughter? ... You're packing-up you're entire family after Santa gifts and a special (fast - make sure you hit the road) breakfast and traveling 5 hours to my house for holiday dinner festivities??? Yeeeeaaahhhh, that's not quite good enough. How LONG are you staying?? ....

She seems to think that TUESDAY is the soonest we should leave.

Seriously, Tuesday. Anyone guess how badly the conversation went after that?

[boiler717]

Ugh I'm sorry. I don't understand why parents go nuts over holidays.
My MIL is upset we aren't coming down for Christmas. They live 3 hours one way, no place for us to stay....oh and I'll be 38.5 weeks pregnant. We just assumed we'd see them when they came to visit the baby (which will be here by the 28th) but that doesn't count apparently.

[CrazyLucky]

I feel you. When we went up for Thanksgiving, we stayed with my brother. We saw my mom on Thanksgiving, and then she called my house on Friday to leave a long message asking if she was even going to get to see her grandchildren at all. Like I'm calling my house to get my messages. We're staying with her for the few days before Christmas. Not really looking forward to it.

[badgergrl]

Dec 14, 2015 6:18:36 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Ugh I'm sorry. I don't understand why parents go nuts over holidays.
My MIL is upset we aren't coming down for Christmas. They live 3 hours one way, no place for us to stay....oh and I'll be 38.5 weeks pregnant. We just assumed we'd see them when they came to visit the baby (which will be here by the 28th) but that doesn't count apparently.

"We were looking forward to seeing you but my OBGYN said it was not safe for me or the baby to be that far away that late in my pregnancy. I am upset over it but I know you wouldn't want us to risk your grandsons (daughters) health. "

[boiler717]

Dec 14, 2015 10:16:01 GMT -5 badgergrl said:

Dec 14, 2015 6:18:36 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Ugh I'm sorry. I don't understand why parents go nuts over holidays.
My MIL is upset we aren't coming down for Christmas. They live 3 hours one way, no place for us to stay....oh and I'll be 38.5 weeks pregnant. We just assumed we'd see them when they came to visit the baby (which will be here by the 28th) but that doesn't count apparently.

"We were looking forward to seeing you but my OBGYN said it was not safe for me or the baby to be that far away that late in my pregnancy. I am upset over it but I know you wouldn't want us to risk your grandsons (daughters) health. "

Oh she knows my doc said I can't travel. She thinks it's BS.

[compassrose]

Dec 14, 2015 10:18:35 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Dec 14, 2015 10:16:01 GMT -5 badgergrl said:

"We were looking forward to seeing you but my OBGYN said it was not safe for me or the baby to be that far away that late in my pregnancy. I am upset over it but I know you wouldn't want us to risk your grandsons (daughters) health. "

Oh she knows my doc said I can't travel. She thinks it's BS.

That right there is BS! Safety first!

[badgergrl]

Also to make this MM I would have had a mess and huge bills if I had delivered wih an Ob practice other than the one that I had prenatal care through since it's all billed as a package.

Your mother has lost her mind.

[bears]

Dec 14, 2015 10:18:35 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Dec 14, 2015 10:16:01 GMT -5 badgergrl said:

"We were looking forward to seeing you but my OBGYN said it was not safe for me or the baby to be that far away that late in my pregnancy. I am upset over it but I know you wouldn't want us to risk your grandsons (daughters) health. "

Oh she knows my doc said I can't travel. She thinks it's BS.

Even if it was okay from your doctor's perspective and you were guaranteed not to go into labor while you are away, no way in hell was I spending 3 hours in a car when I was that pregnant.

[mskitkat]

I feel you. My mom flat out lied about who was staying with her over Thanksgiving so that I would stay with her instead of my sister. I get there and it's "oh! Hope you don't mind! All these other people that you specifically asked if they would be here or not are here anyway! even though i said yesterday they wouldn't be!"

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2015 11:55:47 GMT -5 @rennido said:

Lol. My mom told me last night that she thinks Satan has taken over my sisters life and that's why she hates her.

My mother has NEVER taken responsibility for anything that she has done to our family. Never. And her "apologies" are really non-apologies.
She also constantly thinks that we have to take care of her, because she sacrificed her life for us. She didn't work and that put her behind in life which is why she has a shitty job now.
She told some really shitty stuff to my niece that was absolutely unacceptable when she was pretty young. My sister has never forgiven her for it, and I really don't blame her.

I cannot tell my mom this because she will LOSE it. SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY HOW SHE FEELS.
Yes, you can say that, but you can't be surprised when nobody wants to talk to you.

HARD TO UNDERSTAND APPARENTLY.

I'm so sorry. My mom is exactly the same way, we haven't spoken in over 5 years when she tried to pull some drama around C's birth. My brother is in your shoes, and pretty much the only one who (reluctantly) talks to/deals with her. I'm sure it's a rough spot to be in. 

[ally]

My brother and I haven't talked in 15 years.  (A very long story.)  Three years ago I had decided I was done being in my mom's house with him (and his wife) on Christmas and not being "allowed" to talk to him.  The whole situation had become silly, awkward, and sad and I did not was to continue the craziness.  Sadly, my grandfather (mom's dad) died two weeks before Christmas, so I did the holidays as usual. 

Two years ago I held firm about not spending Christmas with my brother.  DH and I drove (an hour) to see my parents when my brother would be out of the house.  Then we returned home for dinner, wine, Christmas movies.  She was sad, but I was happy and less stressed.

Last year, when my mom asked what DH and I were doing, I told her we would be staying home and enjoying our Christmas together and we would see my parents after my brother left to return to his home (he spends several days). Her response, "so you only care about your happiness?".  My response: "yes."  After 14 years and much therapy I have learned I have choices and being miserable is not one I want make.   

Last week she told me she bought enough food for us to join them for Christmas dinner.  When I told her that I would not be doing that she started on the guilt. Ten minutes of the same "fight" and I told her that her refusal to accept this decision is ruining our relationship and to not bring it up again. She has made it 9 days and counting - progress!

[boiler717]

Dec 14, 2015 12:01:21 GMT -5 @crackhabit said:

Dec 14, 2015 10:47:27 GMT -5 compassrose said:

That right there is BS! Safety first!

what does she want? Like, a note? 

My guess is that she wants my husband to go without me

[explorer2001]

It is seriously sad the amount I have spent on therapy related to this stuff and how many other people here have as well. I am just glad I haven't had to have the my safety matters conversation about the holidays this year.

I pretty much told my grandparents that they can call me, etc but that it's not my fault they are flying out on Thursday and didn't tell my until last night. I'll try to see them this week before they go, but it really isn't fair to get upset with anyone who has to work etc not being able to rearrange their weeknights with less than 48 hours notice. So they may not meet Boyfriend until after they get back or after tax season and that's not my fault or his fault since they didn't tell us they were going out of town.

Same for my mother. If I say I'm spending Christmas with Rocko and Boyfriend- that means if you want to see me you will see them too! Also if you are singing etc on Christmas but refuse to tell me your schedule, it is your fault when I suggest family stuff when your busy. If you want me to schedule and won't give me parameters, you can't get upset that I didn't read your mind. Tell me and we can coordinate, otherwise tough cookies.

[msmerymac]

My MIL always complains that our visits are too short. And that we should visit more. Even when we lived across the country and had to fly 6 hours to see her. Yet comes to visit us every 2-3 years.

OH! And my brother is not visiting my parents for Christmas this year. He will be seeing his in-laws. That's cool. You have to do what you have to do. But since I'm driving 5 hours to see my parents and my brother lives about 70 minutes from them, I asked if he and his wife could maybe do lunch on the 23rd (on our way up), the 24th (I'll make the trip down) or the 26th (on our way back). He said the 24th works. 

Well, my mom talked to my SIL and she mentioned she would see me and H on the 24th, according to my brother. My mom then sends this long text about how she must be confused, and I really should call brother and SIL and clarify my plans. 

Um, no, they are not confused. We planned that. You don't run my social life, mom. 

[irene adler]

My mom is wonderful and never gives guilt trips.

My sister, OTOH? I am not looking forward to hearing a passive agressive comment on how DH and I ruined Christmas this year. "Mom could have had a picture with the whole family, but your DH didn't come home." (Dh and I are dividing and conquering this christmas for financial reasons--plane tix for 2 plus rental car plus hotel is not something we can swing this year, vs. just me taking flights with long layovers and couch surfing)

[sju]

If only mine would limit her guilt trips to the holidays. It is the entire year and I find myself stressed due to her all the damn time.... and she lives out of State. She is great but she complaints about everything. She demands things from me that I am sure she does not from my siblings. I try my best to not let her get to me but it is hard.

[Mashara]

Dec 14, 2015 12:16:09 GMT -5 mskitkat said:

I feel you. My mom flat out lied about who was staying with her over Thanksgiving so that I would stay with her instead of my sister. I get there and it's "oh! Hope you don't mind! All these other people that you specifically asked if they would be here or not are here anyway! even though i said yesterday they wouldn't be!"

Ugh, no, I hope you went right out and got yourself a room. 

[Deleted]

This year my FIL and SMIL are making it easy for once and we are celebrating this weekend. FIL scheduled his knee replacement surgery on the 21st for some reason so he'll be recovering on Christmas.

But FIL and BIL are having an epic fight that involves not talking for probably 2 months now. FIL writes these awful guild ridden letters mostly to BIL but sometimes DH. DH convinced FIL to discuss the latest with his therapist. Totally backfired. Therapist said it was loving? I wonder if this was one of those things where FIL heard what he wanted.

[pretzel]

This reminds me of the time my mother demanded to know the FULL TERMS of my contract: exactly HOW MUCH vacation time, how much sick leave, and how much holiday time was I allowed, so she could decide how much of the above should be appropriated for herself. HAHAHAHAHAHHA. Sure mom.

[UnderProtest]

Dec 15, 2015 9:32:58 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

This year my FIL and SMIL are making it easy for once and we are celebrating this weekend. FIL scheduled his knee replacement surgery on the 21st for some reason so he'll be recovering on Christmas.

But FIL and BIL are having an epic fight that involves not talking for probably 2 months now. FIL writes these awful guild ridden letters mostly to BIL but sometimes DH. DH convinced FIL to discuss the latest with his therapist. Totally backfired. Therapist said it was loving? I wonder if this was one of those things where FIL heard what he wanted.

My FIL apparently had a therapist like this.  The therapist convinced my FIL that everyone else in his life was crazy.  Uhmmm, let's find the common denominator......

[winnieandwine]

We have mild family drama too.

Basically, paternal aunt claimed xmas 20 years ago and refuses to share.

It's hard for me to get a lot of time off around the holidays and my parents are split, so I'll only see my dad for 30ish hours. He finally put his foot down and said "I don't get much time with my daughter so we will be spending xmas with her in my home [v spending 3 hours driving round trip]. All are welcome"

Aunt and grandma are not happy, because "tradition!" They won't be attending.

I'm pleased. It will be more comfortable, I can swing by and see my nieces/nephew in town, and Winnie can hang with us

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2015 6:59:18 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

Dec 15, 2015 9:32:58 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

This year my FIL and SMIL are making it easy for once and we are celebrating this weekend. FIL scheduled his knee replacement surgery on the 21st for some reason so he'll be recovering on Christmas.

But FIL and BIL are having an epic fight that involves not talking for probably 2 months now. FIL writes these awful guild ridden letters mostly to BIL but sometimes DH. DH convinced FIL to discuss the latest with his therapist. Totally backfired. Therapist said it was loving? I wonder if this was one of those things where FIL heard what he wanted.

My FIL apparently had a therapist like this.  The therapist convinced my FIL that everyone else in his life was crazy.  Uhmmm, let's find the common denominator......

I'm wondering if it is more in the interpretation. Like maybe that's not really what the therapist said. Who knows.

[Susie]

Dec 14, 2015 12:50:42 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Dec 14, 2015 12:01:21 GMT -5 @crackhabit said:

what does she want? Like, a note? 

My guess is that she wants my husband to go without me

So you can what, hail a cab if you go into labor while he's gone?  MIL, please.