Toddlers: Is it always a struggle?

[olivesyou]

I am about at my wits end with my almost 3 year old.  Everything is a fight, struggle, threat, etc.  Please tell me it gets better, or what I am doing wrong.  I will not take offense if I am the reason and am totally screwing it up, I just need to have a little bit of peace once in a while.

Some examples of his behavior that has me on edge.  
Dinner - never wants to eat anything.  We bribe him to eat his veggies, he will put a veggie in his mouth and then leave it there for the entire duration of dinner.  Dinner always ends with him negotiating how many more bites he has.  We have to constantly remind him to eat, not drink all his milk at once, stay seated on his butt, etc.  Its exhausting

Bed time - He gets 30 minutes of cartoons before bed while drinking milk.  I like this and don't want to change it as it gives all of us time to sit together and unwind.  Once the cartoon is over, its a fight about who turns the TV off or 'pauses' it.  Then a fight to get him into the bathroom to brush his teeth and use the potty.  We have had the same routine for his entire life, but its without fail that we have to ask him 10 times and start to threaten him to turn the TV off and get to the bathroom.  And, if God forbid I turn the TV off it results in the meltiest of melt downs.  

Basically, anything that comes up that is different from what he wants or expects, he has a tantrum.  I try to ignore it and redirect, but he is so bad sometimes.  I feel lost sometimes with it.  It sucks because I can't trust him enough to want to do cool things, like take him places or on a train or fun things like that.

So, is it just the age and I have to wait it out.  Does anyone have anything that helps, even the tiniest bit?

[Deleted]

For food: don't battle, negotiate or force him to eat. Just put his food down and talk about other things. If he chooses to eat nothing that's his choice. He knows his body better than you do. Most toddlers don't eat much in the evening.

For bedtime: there's been a lot of studies saying TV before bed is not good for kids because it doesn't actually helps them unwind, but if you don't want to give it up then stop engaging. If he can't handle it he loses TV privileges or stories or whatever is after TV.

But yes it's always a struggle. You have to pick your battles carefully and figure out where it really matters that you are in control (bedtime) and where it is okay to let them be in control (food)

[ktw]

I think this is normal, which is probably simultaneously comforting and not. At least that's how I feel every day.

Two things that work well with my DD are choices and setting a timer. Here's an example. I let her watch part of a show before preschool today. Before I turned it on, I told her that it would be time to go to school before the show was over. I said, "I am going to set the timer. When it goes off, it will be time to turn off the tv and go to school. Is that a deal?" She said, "Deal". I turned on the tv, and set the timer. When the timer went off, I asked her what the timer meant. She said it meant it was time to go to school, but she didn't want to go to school, she wanted to finish her show. I told her that we had a deal, and that the tv had to go off. She loves to turn the tv off, so I gave her the choice to turn it off, or I would. Most of the time, this works and she turns the tv off without much complaint. Today, she cried about the show being turned off, so I shut the tv off and then tried to distract/redirect. It eventually worked.

I'm with you, it's totally exhausting to have to negotiate over every little thing. You are not alone.

[Deleted]

Dinner: kids aren't often really hungry at dinner. Offer and just... stop. If he says he's hungry later, reoffer the meal.
Bedtime/routines: you could make a chart with pictures for each step. Then ask him what comes next. Then do it. DS also likes races and "being a helper". The phrase "do you want to do it now, or am I going to do it for you?" is also frequent around here.

Tantrums are normal, but you can try to adjust course to not pick pointless fights.

[hocus2]

Dec 14, 2015 11:07:18 GMT -5 olivesyou said:

Dinner - never wants to eat anything.  We bribe him to eat his veggies, he will put a veggie in his mouth and then leave it there for the entire duration of dinner.  Dinner always ends with him negotiating how many more bites he has.  We have to constantly remind him to eat, not drink all his milk at once, stay seated on his butt, etc.  Its exhausting

What happens if you don't make him eat? Does he not sleep? Loose weight? Become difficult? I would offer food and if he doesn't eat then it gets tossed. If he's hungry he can have a fruit or veggies before bed. I would not make dinner a battle ground. FWIW my daughter always eats a large dinner and my son rarely eats dinner. He eats a large lunch and his daycare offers snack around 4:00 and he's just not hungry at night.


Bed time - He gets 30 minutes of cartoons before bed while drinking milk.  I like this and don't want to change it as it gives all of us time to sit together and unwind.  Once the cartoon is over, its a fight about who turns the TV off or 'pauses' it.  Then a fight to get him into the bathroom to brush his teeth and use the potty.  We have had the same routine for his entire life, but its without fail that we have to ask him 10 times and start to threaten him to turn the TV off and get to the bathroom.  And, if God forbid I turn the TV off it results in the meltiest of melt downs.  


I know this is overdone when when we had betime issues we used a reward chart and a small prizes.

Overall the toddlers years are full of these battles. They ebb and flow, I find I have 6 month runs of good and bad behavior. If every day is an all day fight I'd just step back and decide what you really want to fight about. You can't wage wars on all fronts.

  

[dcn]

Sounds about right. They want to have control over everything and are figuring out how to get it.

We don't fight or negotiate over food. Don't want veggies? Fine. Don't want to sit at the table? Fine. But no treat later, if he's hungry his dinner is on the table.

For the tv, Ds can choose to turn it off or mom does it. I count to three and then do it if he doesn't. He melts down but the next time he will do it.

Bedtime is also ridiculous some nights. I try to keep it fun and silly and get him to tell me what is next. What's after pjs? Is it time for lights out? No mama, that's silly! Time to brush teeth!! Some nights it doesn't work and we "run out of time to read stories" which he loves so a reminder about that usually works. Involving his stuffed animal in the routine helps too.

Basically I just pick battles all day long, try to keep things fun, and give him lots of choices so he doesn't feel like I'm
Just bossing him around all day and that he has input.

Some days I want to drink by 9 am haha.

[kaycee]

I pick my battles. For meals, I control what goes on the plate and she controls what she eats. I don't care how she sits or where she sits as long as she is at the table.

I set timers on my phone for a lot. When the timer goes off the activity ends no matter what. She is really good at responding to this.

I give choices, but they don't always work. Like yesterday I said "do you want to use the big potty or the little potty?" And she chose no potty. Toddlers are always a struggle, but just keep trying new things until something works. Sometimes a new routine is a good reset.

[Deleted]

Yes, it's the age. They're figuring out how much can control they have and what they can get away with.

My best advice is to just not make anything too much of a battle. It doesn't matter how it gets done as long as it gets done. I get what I want my kids feel like they're in control.

Why can't he be in charge of shutting off the TV? I let my kids do "chores" like that all the time. They feel important and it's a good lesson in responsibility.

I don't fight food battles. Eat or get down. I don't really care. Someone told me once to only put stuff on their plate you're okay with them eating all or none of. So if they'd had too much fruit in a day it's peas and meats on their plate. If they all the meat and no peas, next time it's more veggies less meat. It all balances in the end.

I know this board is all about choices and so are parenting books but with DD and now I'm learning with DS there is a time where there are no choices or choices I'm okay with (blue shirt or red?) Limiting really helped as both my kids seem overwhelmed with too many decisions.

I also talk a lot to both of my kids what happens first, next, last/the general schedule. Even my almost 2 year old likes to be prepared apparently.

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2015 11:11:20 GMT -5 @mrsgreeko said:

But yes it's always a struggle. You have to pick your battles carefully and figure out where it really matters that you are in control (bedtime) and where it is okay to let them be in control (food)

I just want to quote this and say that I struggle with the whole pick your battles thing, not because it doesn't work, but I'm afraid that I just choose no battles to make it easier on me, and I'm afraid I'm going to create a monster. 

[halfpint]

I think you've had some good advice here.

I also don't fight food battles. The only negotiating we do is on dessert - if he eats literally no dinner and asks for a cookie, that's a no-go. If he wants to eat two bites, and then have a cookie? I'm not going to fight that. At least he ate something. The only thing we really reinforce at the table is that he must sit while eating, and if he's done, he must ask to get down. I trust that he knows if he's hungry, and honestly, I could probably take a cue from his eating habits

For bedtime, can you replace cartoons with music or reading books? I know that might make things more challenging in the short term. Are there things that would get him excited about going to bed? B gets ridiculously pumped about snuggling with his monkey and teddy, because bed is the only place he can do that and he looooooves them. He likes to brush is OWN teeth, so he'll let us do a quick brush if it means he can swish it around on his own afterwards. He gets a cup of milk with his bedtime story, so that's always something to look forward to.

B is younger, so I may still have escalated shenanigans to look forward to as he gets closer to 3, but so far we've found ways to distract, redirect, or just work with him in a way that doesn't quite feel like giving in to his demands

[ssmjlm]

Have you tried setting a timer on your phone for the tv? When the timer goes off, it's time to turn off the tv. E responds really well to "5 more minutes" and even now she'll help us countdown. She has no concept of time, yet, but it's helping with some tougher transitions lately.

[halfpint]

Dec 14, 2015 11:25:34 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

I also talk a lot to both of my kids what happens first, next, last/the general schedule. Even my almost 2 year old likes to be prepared apparently.

I think this is huge for us. I notice a MAJOR difference when we talk about what's coming up versus, "Hey, it's time to go!" or, "Hey, it's time for bed!"  Even at his young age, he's mapped out in his head what he wants to happen or what he thinks should happen, and it really helps to talk up transitions and scheduled events. 

[degal99]

Way before it even became an issue I read some advice on here that you give them the choice of who does the action. For example, "do you want to turn off the TV or do you want mommy to?" Usually DD will immediately do whatever it is, but she's not quite 2 yet. I'm hoping it still works in a year. If she doesn't jump to complete the task then mommy or daddy does it and there might be a meltdown but it's usually less severe due to the warning.

Food though I just don't battle. She'll eat what she eats for now. Some days that's grilled cheese and pretzels. Some days she'll eat carrots and peas like there's no tomorrow.

[dulcemariamar]

I agree with the PPs. For dinner my battle would be that he has to stay at the table for at least 15-20 minutes. I would also try offering fruit and yogurt to see if he will eat that. As long as there no weight issues and not waking up in the middle of the night because he is hungry then I would not go to battle over food.

And I l know you dont want to give up TV but I would try it for a few weeks. You might find that it is worth it if bedtime is easier. I know it is hard because all you want to do at night is probably just crash on the sofa, but it might be worth changing up the activity if there is more peace in the house.

[simpsongal]

Misdirection is hugely helpful. But a lot of times, he just doesn't want to stop doing something and stopping/interfering/asking/etc. creates a big problem.

[Deleted]

Yes, it is a struggle. I was not a fan of age 3 or even early 4, but by age 4.5 I've found that my kids become actual human beings and I am quite fond of them again.
Anything that helps? Be consistent.
Bedtime- If the TV goes off after 30 minutes, turn it off. When he has a meltdown you tell him that he won't be able to turn it off until he can behave. If his behavior doesn't improve you may have to take the show away for a day or two. Kids understand more then we give them credit for sometimes. He will quickly understand the relationship between his behavior and his inability to turn off the tv. If he tantrums one night then the next night you can remind him "Remember last night when you weren't able to turn off the show? If you would like to behave and nicely move on to [next step in routine] you may turn the show off. Otherwise, I will be doing it again."
Meals- DD2 is 3.5 and we have just recently gotten to the point where I can make her take X number of bites. She is three, so she must take three bits (sometimes more if she isn't paying attention) before she can get down from the table or have any kind of after-dinner treat. Before 3-3.5 this often isn't a battle that is worth it. I try to make sure they have proper nutrition during the day and hope they are hungry when dinner rolls around.

[erbear]

Dec 14, 2015 11:11:20 GMT -5 @mrsgreeko said:

For food: don't battle, negotiate or force him to eat. Just put his food down and talk about other things. If he chooses to eat nothing that's his choice. He knows his body better than you do. Most toddlers don't eat much in the evening.

For bedtime: there's been a lot of studies saying TV before bed is not good for kids because it doesn't actually helps them unwind, but if you don't want to give it up then stop engaging. If he can't handle it he loses TV privileges or stories or whatever is after TV.

But yes it's always a struggle. You have to pick your battles carefully and figure out where it really matters that you are in control (bedtime) and where it is okay to let them be in control (food)

This, exactly.

Meals: Don't make it a battle. Here's the dinner, kid (I only give things I'm ok with them eating). Eat it or don't, but you don't get something else/more until you finish what's on the plate. It doesn't kill them to miss a meal. My kids often eat tiny dinners - they just aren't that hungry. I don't bribe and I ignore. If he's getting up, dinner is done for him but there's nothing else.

TV before bed is not a great idea. Of course he doesn't want to turn it off to go to bed! Switch to a book, set a timer, say "we need to do x, y, and z, but when the timer goes off, you go to bed. Which do you want to do first?" He'll figure out pretty quick that if he wants the book/playing/snuggle time, he'll get ready faster.

Go ahead and let him throw a tantrum. Walk out. Don't negotiate, don't bribe, don't get mad or flustered. When he sees he's not getting the attention he wants, he'll give it up. I don't negotiate with tiny dictators, and I don't reward bad behavior.

[lolo]

You've gotten some good advice, particularly around not negotiating/bribing for dinner.

I'll also add that validating instead of redirecting might be a better technique at this age.

[juliette21]

We were having similar struggles at bedtime with our newly-turned 3 yo. It was getting so exasperating that I was losing my cool and getting really snippy with him, which all just fueled his fire more.

On a whim, I decided to start setting a timer on my phone and telling him if he "beats" the timer on my phone and I'm walking out his door before it goes off, then he earns an extra TV show, ice cream after dinner, etc. It has worked really well. I set the timer for a reasonable amount of time to do everything we need to do (you might need to set it for longer/shorter) but basically enough time that they can win. While I'm tucking my little guy into bed, he asks "is timer go off?" and I say, "yes it will soon, goodnight, I love you!' whereas before he would want me to tuck him in a million times, talk about the dinosaur on his bookshelves, etc.

I'll echo PP on dinnertime struggles. Our pedi was pretty adament that we don't make power struggles during dinnertime. We serve what we serve, they eat what they eat. One sippy cup of milk, no more. So if he drinks it all at once, that's his problem. 

GL, I am on toddler #2 and I still don't have it all figured out. Hang in there, these battles will end someday and now my 6 yo older DS rolls his eyes at the 3 yo's antics even though he did ALL of them himself when he was that age.  

[olivesyou]

These are all really great responses, thanks so much.

I shouldn't make such a big deal out of his eating or not eating dinner. I will try to relax on that front. He apparently eats well rounded at school.

As far as giving him choices, I do that, and for some things its turns into a never ended list of options. Like with the TV, I say do you want to turn it off or do you want me to? He wants to turn it off, but then he says, I want to pause it, Okay fine. Then once its paused, I want to turn it off, and so on. Again, its nothing big, but just exhausting day in and day out. But I need to be stricter about him making the choice then sticking to it. If he doesn't decide on the 1st or 2nd time I ask I will just turn it off myself.

Giving him a countdown or a list of the upcoming activities may help, I will try that.

And, we pretty much race to everything, he loves to be 'fast'. But, am I creating a monster if I let him win every single time?

I know I should cut out the TV, I just... don't want to, lol. We cut out giving him our phone, and I did notice an improvement in his demanding behavior. I just really like sitting on the couch with him and H, while feeding the baby and zoning out.

But Thanks again for all the replies!!

[jeaniebueller]

As far as giving him choices, I do that, and for some things its turns into a never ended list of options. Like with the TV, I say do you want to turn it off or do you want me to? He wants to turn it off, but then he says, I want to pause it, Okay fine. Then once its paused, I want to turn it off, and so on. Again, its nothing big, but just exhausting day in and day out. But I need to be stricter about him making the choice then sticking to it. If he doesn't decide on the 1st or 2nd time I ask I will just turn it off myself.


There is a fine line between giving him choices and going too overboard. You give him the choices and the choice is I turn if off or you turn it off. That's it. What if he wants to just pause it. Nope, I am sorry that's not a choice right now. If a tantrum ensues, you calmly turn off the TV yourself and explain why you are turning it off and how you are so sorry that he didn't want to and maybe tomorrow he can be the one to turn it off. And so on. He will tantrum, he will be unhappy at times. But he is 3, so that's normal . But trust me, once he sees that you mean business about giving choices and sticking to them, things may be a tiny bit easier. In the future, anyway.

[aspentosh]

Dec 14, 2015 11:12:13 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

I'm hoping four is better.

:drink:  You're going to need that. The closer we get to four the worse it gets. 

[Deleted]

Dinner time: this is what's for dinner. If you don't want to eat it, that's fine. Hungry later? dinner is there on the table.

Bedtime: give a warning about when the tv will be turned off and then in our house it's a choice of you can turn it off or I will. He says he wants to then he needs to do it then. Sometimes I will count to 3 to let him have a chance to do it or I will do it for him.

As for arguing, J will literally argue about everything even when it makes no sense. Example. A few nights ago we are upstairs and I'm changing to workout and he is getting ready for bath.
He says "I want mama to do my bath"
No, I'm going to do yoga. Daddy is doing bath tonight
No, I dont want you to do yoga.
I have to do yoga to be healthy
NO! I don't want you to be healthy!

See, it makes no sense. Or a few weeks ago he literally talked himself in circles.
Where are we going? I don't want to go! Can we go right now? I want to go at 8:05. I'm 65 years old like nana I don't have to go if I don't want to. I'm not going. I want to go right now! And on and on it went.

It's exhausting

[game blouses]

I agree with the others that dinner isn't worth the battle. I just learned this lesson a few weeks ago, as DS #1 (3.5 years) would fight eating dinner so hard that he'd throw up if I insisted on one extra bite. So I don't anymore. If he doesn't feel like eating, he'll have a big breakfast.

I was a very picky eater when I was young and my mom used to let me have a peanut butter sandwich instead of the prepared dinner, but honestly I think that just made me pickier.

If the TV time is working for you, you could use it as something to earn. If he sits at the table for all of dinner and eats X amount of food (or just sits, whatever your guidelines are), he can watch a cartoon after dinner. If not, no cartoon. Or if he doesn't, he can't turn off the TV himself. With 3 year olds it's just a matter of finding out what they love to do and exploiting it

Once DS turned 3, redirecting him out of tantrums stopped working. His focus is like a laser when he's pissed about something and trying to redirect just makes him madder. So I just try to relate and work with him to make it better.

"You're mad because you couldn't turn off the TV. You really like turning off the TV, and then I turned it off, and now that you're mad that you didn't get to. That's disappointing! What should we do tomorrow to make sure you can turn off the TV?"