XP: 8 year old son behavior issues – thoughts??

[sacattack]

I have emailed my sons doctor but I would appreciate others thoughts and perspectives as well. I am concerned about my 8 year old sons behavior and they may be connected or they may not be. (Sorry this is so long).



1. I’m concerned about his behavior at home (at school, I hear nothing but positive things – this is not an issue there). He is goes into a rage when he doesn’t get his way, is negative and mean to his siblings for no reason. This has been ongoing for a while (a couple years ago we went to therapy, but they thought he was fine), so I have just hit my breaking point. Here are some examples: 1) Yesterday I was heading out to the store. He asked to come, I told him no as I was picking up his Christmas present. He looked at me, told me he was coming, went to sit in the car. I was taking the other car, so when he saw that he jumped in front of that car and wouldn’t move. I was eventually able to leave, but while I was gone he continued to throw a fit – saying how much he hated me, throwing things, etc. 2) We told the kids on Saturday we were taking them into to the city for a surprise and as soon as he heard that he started ranting that he hates the city, doesn’t want to go, is staying home. He ended up coming and having a fun time. When I give him the option to stay home, he ultimately says “Fine, I’ll go” – like he’s doing me a favor. 3) This morning his sister was talking about something, he decided he was done listening to her, hit her and told her to shut up.


2. The other thing that has come up a lot recently is my divorce with his father. He doesn’t understand why we are divorced and keeps saying he wants us all to live together. When he asks why, I tell him that Daddy and I had different ideas for our futures and we are better friends than being married (while that is true, he also cheated which was the final straw). He tells me he is sad and that is all he wants. We were divorced over 5 years, ago so I doubt he has any recollection of our time together and I think he is romanticizing an intact family. His father and I get along and co-parent very well, so I think that is all he has for reference about our relationship. In his rants, he often talks about how he hates his step-siblings and step-parents, which I very much doubt because I see him enjoying their company. I think that he resents them because they disrupt his vision for a family.



So anybody else deal with something like this? How can I address this? I wonder if now he is older his is better able to articulate his feelings if we should we go back to a therapist. I’d appreciate any insight you have.

[cuddlyevil]

Therapy, now.

[sweetchix]

(((Hugs))) My DD1 had some behavioral issues (also never at school) for awhile and it was awful. I was at my wits end trying to figure out how to deal with it. We did take her to counseling, but imo didn't help entirely. While it was great for her to talk it out and be honest with the counselor (she told her things she wasn't telling XH and me), she never really used any of the suggestions given by the counselor (I.e. Counting to ten when she needed to calm down/deep breaths...). She did eventually grow out of it, for the most part. She will still get upset, and have an occasional tantrum, but they nothing near what they used be.

I would suggest trying the counselor again. Talking it out with someone other than a parent may be a big help. Hang in there.

[sacattack]

Dec 21, 2015 12:33:14 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

(((Hugs))) My DD1 had some behavioral issues (also never at school) for awhile and it was awful. I was at my wits end trying to figure out how to deal with it. We did take her to counseling, but imo didn't help entirely. While it was great for her to talk it out and be honest with the counselor (she told her things she wasn't telling XH and me), she never really used any of the suggestions given by the counselor (I.e. Counting to ten when she needed to calm down/deep breaths...). She did eventually grow out of it, for the most part. She will still get upset, and have an occasional tantrum, but they nothing near what they used be.

I would suggest trying the counselor again. Talking it out with someone other than a parent may be a big help. Hang in there.

Thanks - I'm hoping a third party can help position things to him in a way that will make sense to an 8YO. Relationships aren't black and white, but kids don't get that. I want to help him understand without sharing too much.

[aerochyck]

I had/have the same issues with my 8 year old DS and while he has been with a therapist for a while, even she admits it doesn't do him much good. Some days I feel like I'm at my wits end to and the key is that I ensure that he always has someone else to talk to. Sometimes it is the perspective from another person that calms him down the fastest.

[sacattack]

Dec 21, 2015 13:53:32 GMT -5 aerochyck said:

I had/have the same issues with my 8 year old DS and while he has been with a therapist for a while, even she admits it doesn't do him much good. Some days I feel like I'm at my wits end to and the key is that I ensure that he always has someone else to talk to. Sometimes it is the perspective from another person that calms him down the fastest.

If you don't mind sharing, how do you manage through this? I'm trying to be patient and take the time to nip outbursts before they escalate, but it time consuming and frustrating to do it every.single.day. I also can't watch him every minute. But on the other hand, I can manage an 8 year old more easily than teenager, so I want to address this now. Plus I want him to be happy and pleasant - I can imagine vocalizing that I hate everything and not start to believe it. 

[daisyn]

My son had major issues in the past and would never open up to a therapist.

Is this all brand new behavior? Did something change recently? Do you think maybe he's being bullied at school or something?

[redshoejune]

I'm sorry it sounds like you both are having a really tough time.
I have the same thoughts about my 5 year old when she rages and lashes out at me and her sister: I need to get this under control before she is too big for me to physically remove from the situation. (Unfortunately hers is also a problem at school)
She is in counseling and I think it may eventually help her. She just told the counselor about something traumatic she witnessed a couple years ago that I didn't even know she remembered.
Maybe counseling again would help your son.
Does he have a private space to calm down? A physical outlet to release energy and aggression on a daily basis? Both of those things sometimes help my girl.

[aerochyck]

Dec 21, 2015 14:26:32 GMT -5 sacattack said:

Dec 21, 2015 13:53:32 GMT -5 aerochyck said:

I had/have the same issues with my 8 year old DS and while he has been with a therapist for a while, even she admits it doesn't do him much good. Some days I feel like I'm at my wits end to and the key is that I ensure that he always has someone else to talk to. Sometimes it is the perspective from another person that calms him down the fastest.

If you don't mind sharing, how do you manage through this? I'm trying to be patient and take the time to nip outbursts before they escalate, but it time consuming and frustrating to do it every.single.day. I also can't watch him every minute. But on the other hand, I can manage an 8 year old more easily than teenager, so I want to address this now. Plus I want him to be happy and pleasant - I can imagine vocalizing that I hate everything and not start to believe it. 

I worked with his counsellor on different techniques.  The one that works for me is that I don't try to "deal" or "reason" with him while he is having an outburst.  If it's at that point, we agreed that I make sure he is somewhere safe and wait until he calms down (gives me a chance to breathe too) and then we talk (what was the trigger, what he could have done) and all of the answers come from him.  I just ask questions.

If he is just starting to escalate, I try to help him calm down but I also let him know the consequences if he chooses to continue.

It's rough but over the past 6 months I have seen an improvement.