Nine Phrases People Should Never Use

[orangeblossom]

www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-travis-bradberry/9-phrases-smart-people-ne_b_8776290.html


We've all said things that people interpreted much differently than we thought they would. These seemingly benign comments lead to the awful feeling that only comes when you've planted your foot firmly into your mouth.



Verbal slip-ups often occur because we say things without knowledge of the subtle implications they carry. Understanding these implications requires social awareness--the ability to pick up on the emotions and experiences of other people.



TalentSmart has tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and discovered that social awareness is a skill in which many of us are lacking.



We lack social awareness because we're so focused on what we're going to say next--and how what other people are saying affects us--that we completely lose sight of other people.



This is a problem because people are complicated. You can't hope to understand someone until you focus all of your attention in his or her direction.



The beauty of social awareness is that a few simple adjustments to what you say can vastly improve your relationships with other people.



To that end, there are some phrases that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid in casual conversation. The following phrases are nine of the worst offenders. You should avoid them at all costs.



1. "You look tired."



Tired people are incredibly unappealing--they have droopy eyes and messy hair, they have trouble concentrating, and they're as grouchy as they come. Telling someone he looks tired implies all of the above and then some.



Instead say: "Is everything okay?" Most people ask if someone is tired because they're intending to be helpful (they want to know if the other person is okay). Instead of assuming someone's disposition, just ask. This way, he can open up and share. More importantly, he will see you as concerned instead of rude.



2. "Wow, you've lost a ton of weight!"



Once again, a well-meaning comment--in this case a compliment--creates the impression that you're being critical. Telling someone that she has lost a lot of weight suggests that she used to look fat or unattractive.



Instead say: "You look fantastic." This one is an easy fix. Instead of comparing how she looks now to how she used to look, just compliment her for looking great. It takes the past right out of the picture.



3. "You were too good for her anyway."



When someone severs ties with a relationship of any type, personal or professional, this comment implies he has bad taste and made a poor choice in the first place.



Instead say: "Her loss!" This provides the same enthusiastic support and optimism without any implied criticism.



4. "You always..." or "You never..."



No one always or never does anything. People don't see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn't attempt to define them as such. These phrases make people defensive and closed off to your message, which is a really bad thing because you likely use these phrases when you have something important to discuss.



Instead say: Simply point out what the other person did that's a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, "It seems like you do this often." or "You do this often enough for me to notice."



5. "You look great for your age."



Using "for your" as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and rude. No one wants to be smart for an athlete or in good shape relative to other people who are also knocking on death's door. People simply want to be smart and fit.



Instead say: "You look great." This one is another easy fix. Genuine compliments don't need qualifiers.



6. "As I said before..."



We all forget things from time to time. This phrase makes it sound as if you're insulted at having to repeat yourself, which is hard on the recipient (someone who is genuinely interested in hearing your perspective). Getting insulted over having to repeat yourself suggests that either you're insecure or you think you're better than everyone else (or both!). Few people who use this phrase actually feel this way.



Instead say: When you say it again, see what you can do to convey the message in a clearer and more interesting manner. This way they'll remember what you said.



7. "Good luck."



This is a subtle one. It certainly isn't the end of the world if you wish someone good luck, but you can do better because this phrase implies that they need luck to succeed.



Instead say: "I know you have what it takes." This is better than wishing her luck because suggesting that she has the skills needed to succeed provides a huge boost of confidence. You'll stand out from everyone else who simply wishes her luck.



8. "It's up to you." or "Whatever you want."



While you may be indifferent to the question, your opinion is important to the person asking (or else he wouldn't have asked you in the first place).



Instead say: "I don't have a strong opinion either way, but a couple things to consider are..." When you offer an opinion (even without choosing a side), it shows that you care about the person asking.



9. "Well at least I've never ___."



This phrase is an aggressive way to shift attention away from your mistake by pointing out an old, likely irrelevant mistake the other person made (and one you should have forgiven her for by now).



Instead say: "I'm sorry." Owning up to your mistake is the best way to bring the discussion to a more rational, calm place so that you can work things out. Admitting guilt is an amazing way to prevent escalation.



Bringing It All Together



In everyday conversation, it's the little things that make all the difference. Try these suggestions out, and you'll be amazed at the positive response you get.

[Deleted]

"Are you pregnant?" should be added to that list.

[StrawberryBlondie]

I use "as I said before" in email all the damn time. Because I am annoyed if one sentence in a 3-sentence email you just replied to answers your exact question.

ETA: sometimes I go with "see previous email."

[epphd]

I'm going to add "He/She/You got schlonged."

Really though, I'll add:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Maybe it is for the best.

[Velar Fricative]

Dec 22, 2015 13:42:09 GMT -5 epphd said:

I'm going to add "He/She/You got schlonged."

Really though, I'll add:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Maybe it is for the best.

Yes, that's the one I was going to post too.

[ajj]

"You look tired" is the worst. There was a woman at work that kept saying that to me. Like, day after day she would see me and say this. One day I lost it and said "maybe this is just the way I look!" I might have been tired and grumpy...

[orangeblossom]

Dec 22, 2015 13:40:16 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

I use "as I said before" in email all the damn time. Because I am annoyed if one sentence in a 3-sentence email you just replied to answers your exact question.

ETA: sometimes I go with "see previous email."

I use "per our previous email", and might even forward the email for good measure.  I call it the nice nasty, and it may be passive aggressive, but it sure beats what I really want to say.

I generally only use it, when people are testing me and trying to say I didn't do something, not for someone not seeing something, though I do get annoyed at that as  well.

[Velar Fricative]

And I know this doesn't take away from the validity of feelings from people who *do* mind such questions, but there are a few questions in the OP that I don't mind. Hell, I loooooove when people notice I've lost weight. Unless they actually come out and say something about how "awful" I looked before, I don't take offense to the weight loss comments.

[ESF]

Dec 22, 2015 13:40:16 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

I use "as I said before" in email all the damn time. Because I am annoyed if one sentence in a 3-sentence email you just replied to answers your exact question.

ETA: sometimes I go with "see previous email."

Yeah, I have found I have to use it sometimes, because if I don't, I often get "I don't understand why you didn't tell me this earlier" in response.

[ajj]

Dec 22, 2015 13:40:16 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

I use "as I said before" in email all the damn time. Because I am annoyed if one sentence in a 3-sentence email you just replied to answers your exact question.

ETA: sometimes I go with "see previous email."

Yeah, I have no problem using that one and honestly, if it was used on me, it would probably be deserved. Especially in the context of an email chain where it has been said before.

[jln]

I've been losing weight so I've heard "Wow you've lost a lot of weight!" a few times now. I get that it's well-meaning, but it makes the recipient feel like they were a heifer.

[sangria]

OMG I've been totally getting the "Wow you've lost so much weight!" followed up with "sooo, how much have you lost?"

I get so horrified when people ask me this. It's fucking awful. Yeah, I get it, I know I was a heifer but jesus christ people.

[erbear]

Dec 22, 2015 13:46:50 GMT -5 ajj said:

"You look tired" is the worst. There was a woman at work that kept saying that to me. Like, day after day she would see me and say this. One day I lost it and said "maybe this is just the way I look!" I might have been tired and grumpy...

I said this to someone once. "Actually, this is just my face"

[katfco]

I would change the weight one to, "Have you lost weight?" I get that and I know the person is trying to insinuate that I look like I've lost weight, but in the end, it forces me to actually answer the question and say, "No."

[Michelle]

Dec 22, 2015 13:42:09 GMT -5 epphd said:

I'm going to add "He/She/You got schlonged."

Really though, I'll add:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Maybe it is for the best.

similar to that one, 

"this too shall pass."

I want to say, "Duh motherfucker. Of course it will. That is a scientific fact based on the fact that this moment is rooted in time. But at this moment, it SUCKS. It fucking SUCKS. So don't try to make me feel better that it will someday pass. I know that. It doesn't bring me any fucking comfort unless you have a time machine that will zip me forward to that moment in time where it has passed. So unless you can offer some actual words of comfort, go fuck yourself."

That's how much I hate that phrase.

[Michelle]

Sorry for all the "motherfuckers" today. I'll go back to the randoms page to post why.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Dec 22, 2015 14:23:06 GMT -5 jln said:

I've been losing weight so I've heard "Wow you've lost a lot of weight!" a few times now. I get that it's well-meaning, but it makes the recipient feel like they were a heifer.

Yes! I lost quite a bit of weight after I had the baby and it was/is always uncomfortable when they brought it up.

[Deleted]

Dec 22, 2015 14:23:06 GMT -5 jln said:

I've been losing weight so I've heard "Wow you've lost a lot of weight!" a few times now. I get that it's well-meaning, but it makes the recipient feel like they were a heifer.

And since 95% of people regain the weight the lose, it makes a person feel really shitty if they gain weight.

[stephreloaded]

One of my teachers would tell us in class, wishing luck is only for mediocre people because they don't have the skills and do need the luck. The fucker would end our test questions wishing us good luck.

[skwcm80]

Dec 22, 2015 13:47:34 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

Dec 22, 2015 13:40:16 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

I use "as I said before" in email all the damn time. Because I am annoyed if one sentence in a 3-sentence email you just replied to answers your exact question.

ETA: sometimes I go with "see previous email."

I use "per our previous email", and might even forward the email for good measure.  I call it the nice nasty, and it may be passive aggressive, but it sure beats what I really want to say.

I generally only use it, when people are testing me and trying to say I didn't do something, not for someone not seeing something, though I do get annoyed at that as  well.

I forward the email too, and add something to the effect of "as I mentioned in the email below".

[orangeblossom]

Dec 22, 2015 15:06:20 GMT -5 skwcm80 said:

Dec 22, 2015 13:47:34 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

I use "per our previous email", and might even forward the email for good measure.  I call it the nice nasty, and it may be passive aggressive, but it sure beats what I really want to say.

I generally only use it, when people are testing me and trying to say I didn't do something, not for someone not seeing something, though I do get annoyed at that as  well.

I forward the email too, and add something to the effect of "as I mentioned in the email below".

ASome times that's all you can do, to avoid going off.

The time I needed to use it the most, my boss claimed she didn't have a biography for me, so that's why she didn't put my name on an abstract/project I did, AT ALL in which I should have been the lead author.

I left before I said something I regretted, went back the next day, and said, "so we're clear, you didn't put my name on this abstract because of xyz..."  I went right back to my desk, forwarded her an biography she needed from me when I first started, and said "here you go", and in the future if you're unsure, just put my name, degree and where I work and that will suffice.

I was hot.  She emailed me some BS excuse about how she forgot she had it, and I would have written it better blah, blah, blah.

[oscarnerdjulief]

Here are some phrases I would like to ban:

"(song title) is my jam."
"At the end of the day..."
"I don't get it" delivered in a whiny tone from a student who didn't try
"It is what it is."

[oscarnerdjulief]

The olds are notorious for saying things like this. After someone else complimented by weight loss, which was the result of a lot of discipline and exercise, my grandma said, "Yes, your face doesn't look as fat anymore."

lol---I am grinning right now. I know she meant it nicely. She's not one of the grumpy olds.

[BeagleMama]

All good ones! I also cringe at an apathetic "Sorry." Are you really? I doubt it.

[just]

This is off-topic, but I always remember in the documentary How To Die in Oregon, the main subject (who was dying of cancer) said that she hadn't heard that she looked great as much as she had since she'd got cancer had heard the phrase "you look great" more since she'd got cancer - because she'd lost a ton of weight. That really stuck with me ...

Edited for clarity

[kirra]

"You look tired" is awful.

I don't think "Are you ok?" is an improvement.

[kirra]

Dec 22, 2015 13:42:09 GMT -5 epphd said:

I'm going to add "He/She/You got schlonged."

Really though, I'll add:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Maybe it is for the best.

These are terrible.
I'll add "It's God's plan" to your list, because the people that say 1 and 2 usually also tell me how it's God's plan.

[irene adler]

They could have stopped at "At least..."

No good comes from a sentence that begins with at least.

[derp]

Dec 22, 2015 14:54:15 GMT -5 Michelle said:

Dec 22, 2015 13:42:09 GMT -5 epphd said:

I'm going to add "He/She/You got schlonged."

Really though, I'll add:

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Maybe it is for the best.

similar to that one, 

"this too shall pass."

YASSSS. I was going to post this. I HATE this phrase more than any other. I want to body slam people who say this.