Guilt over not seeing family for holidays

[origami]

The tl;dr version of this question is- should I give up our best vacation time in order to fly home and spend the next holidays with my family, because my grandma is old and pissed that we did not/will not come for her "maybe last Christmas"?

Longer version:
We (DH+2 kids) are halfway through a 3 year expat assignment. We will very likely be sent home at the end of the contract and unless my DH changes companies this is probably it for our overseas adventures. I say that as background because we are trying to visit as many places as possible, knowing we may never see them in the future. (Not for a very long time at least.) While it's easy to travel now because we get a travel budget, we aren't rolling in cash so reality is going to set in fast when this assignment ends.

Last year we went back to the US for Christmas and it sucked. The flights were horribly expensive and the time change wiped us out. So this year we saved money and went to bali. And it's a million times better. Except I called my grandma on christmas morning and she read me the riot act over a few things - 1 being that we didn't come home for the holidays. Next year she says she's going to plan some big family holiday get together -- but only if we agree to fly in. So she's putting it on me that she wants a family party and I can either make her happy and comply or piss her off again.

Christmas is the only time DH can take 2 weeks off and I already made plans (but didn't pay $ yet) to go to vietnam (& more). I do not want to go to the family thing. At all. I go back for almost 2 months during the summer and we live at my Grandma's house. I feel like that's enough, esp since we only have 1 more christmas abroad. But she's 91 and every year says this is her last year and she's making me feel like an asshole for wanting to travel instead of spending time with her. So do I suck it up and make her happy or be selfish and do what I want?

[GilliC]

If you're already making a trip home during the year, I'm definitely in the "No" camp. The expense and hassle of holiday travel are a big deal, and I think you should be free to do what you'll most enjoy.

[dorothyinAus]

I'm in the No camp, but then most of my relatives don't really care whether I'm there or not. They're happy when I am, but most know we have our own lives and that it's not always possible to be "home" for the holidays to other special days.

I'm definitely a believer that it's far too stressful to try and please other people so I do what I know will make me happy. If you have planned to travel and have the opportunity now and know you will not have similar opportunities in the future, then travel over Christmas and see Grandma in the summer. Have Christmas in July. My family always felt the holiday celebrations were fluid and should be celebrated when it was possible, not necessarily on the actual holiday.

Grandma will get over it or she won't, but don't make yourself miserable trying to make her happy.

[rupertpenny]

I would go home either. Two months over the summer is more than enough.

I also went home the first Christmas and it really sucked. My h is pretty set on going home again next year though, I'm already kind of dreading it.

[G22]

I'm with the others, in your situation, I wouldn't go home either.

[mrsukyankee]

I've gone home once for Christmas in the 11+ years I've lived overseas. It's not worth it - the pain of travel, potential for missing flights due to weather, etc. You have to look after yourself and your family - if it's so important to those living in the States to see you, then THEY can make the effort & expense to come your way. Why should it always be up to you?

[origami]

Dec 27, 2015 8:35:43 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

I've gone home once for Christmas in the 11+ years I've lived overseas. It's not worth it - the pain of travel, potential for missing flights due to weather, etc. You have to look after yourself and your family - if it's so important to those living in the States to see you, then THEY can make the effort & expense to come your way. Why should it always be up to you?

exactly. My parents are good about understanding that. They specifically said "it's too much" for them to visit us at xmas so they get it that we feel the same. My grandma can't fly that far because of her health issues, which I completely understand. But because of that she wants us to come to her.

Thanks everyone. I'm glad I'm not way off base with this!

[loira]

Add me to the 'no' camp. H and I never saw either family over Christmas - it was just too far to go, and too expensive to be worth it.

[Deleted]

Chiming in another no.

We ended up not going home for Christmas the four years we were abroad. It's such a PITA time of year to travel and visit with people. Bali sounds like a much nicer plan.

[Deleted]

Not an expat anymore....but we traveled home two of our three Christmases abroad, and I wish we had stayed put. Travel is hard and expensive. Your grandma is blackmailing you into coming home.

I know the older generation doesn't feel the same way about Skype, but using it often has really alleviated the feeling of being so far away physically. Can you try to talk on the phone, email, or Skype more with Grandma so she doesn't feel like she needs the visit?

[origami]

Dec 29, 2015 5:30:18 GMT -5 @villainv said:

Not an expat anymore....but we traveled home two of our three Christmases abroad, and I wish we had stayed put. Travel is hard and expensive. Your grandma is blackmailing you into coming home.

I know the older generation doesn't feel the same way about Skype, but using it often has really alleviated the feeling of being so far away physically. Can you try to talk on the phone, email, or Skype more with Grandma so she doesn't feel like she needs the visit?

I do need to suck it up and do that. I'm not good at face timing her consistently because with the time difference and the kids in school we only have 2 days we can FaceTime her - the weekend - and we have to call our parents those days. I know I'm making excuses and being lazy. I need to just get over the fact that I'll never sleep in on the weekend.

[Shreddingbetty]

I haven't been home for Xmas since I left for the US at 17 (25 years ago).... I think since you go home for an extended period of time during the summer you should not feel bad about not going for Xmas. Personally I feel Xmas is overrated anyway....it is only one day after all. So I agree with everyone else that you should not feel guilty about not going and go have fun somewhere else. We go home once a year and of they want to see more of us they can come see us. My sister is the only that comes to the US to see us and I'm Ok with that.

[mrsukyankee]

I honestly enjoy summer visits more when the whole reason to visit is to see people and focus on spending time with them versus the whole gift giving thing and running around to go to parties and the like. Maybe if you put it to her like that, it would feel better - that you want a time when the focus is all on her versus a 'holiday'.

[origami]

Dec 31, 2015 5:42:31 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

I honestly enjoy summer visits more when the whole reason to visit is to see people and focus on spending time with them versus the whole gift giving thing and running around to go to parties and the like. Maybe if you put it to her like that, it would feel better - that you want a time when the focus is all on her versus a 'holiday'.

YES. Christmas is SO hectic. And all the parties/gifts makes the visit so expensive because I always buy more if im shopping in person vs online and seeing people I wouldn't normally get a gift for. Last xmas I hardly spent any time at home. It was a "how many people can I see in 2 weeks?" contest. Sounds like everyone else has that experience going at xmas too. No thanks.

[Cicero]

My grandma passed away this year and I did see her last Christmas for what turned out to be her last. I have zero grandma related memories from that Christmas. My vivid memories revolve around my brother and SIL bringing their kids over to my parent's house during nap time and then getting into a screaming fight at each other five feet from the door where my 18 month old was sleeping.

The Christmases I have the most easily ready and clear memories of are the ones we have spent abroad--

Five people crammed into our tiny one bedroom apartment in Prague and having a blast.

Going to Mass on Christmas Eve in Da Nang where it was so crowded that they had to have it outside and seat people on several thousand small plastic stools which filled up fifteen minutes before the service started. I've never seen so many people at a church service before and my parents used to belong to a 2000 member mega church.

Staying with friends in the UK and listening to the Queen's message over Christmas lunch. Then flying down to Spain to celebrate the New Yeae in Barcelona.

Having a South African friend come stay with us in Geneva and watching Jim have the first white Christmas of his life.

Going to South Africa two years later to see the same friend and spending Christmas on a game drive in Kruger followed by a spectacular NYE in Cape Town.

Over the course of your lifetimes the chances of remembering one particular family Christmas is slim. I'd far rather take advantage of a rare two week chunk of time off and use it to do and enjoy something that I've never done and isn't going to happen again. For the record I really like my family. I just don't think I need to be there Every Christmas to prove it.

[pittpurple]

You're home for two months every summer and only away for a couple years so you are definitely seeing your family way more than most of us already. In the 10 years we have been here, we went home once and swore to never do it again. It's so much nicer to travel in the summer and obviously much cheaper.

Next year we are going home but that's because it's the only chance to go back during my maternity leave and see my family (my mom and brother work in schools) but we will be back for a month or so and avoiding flying around the holidays as much as possible.

It's one more year, that's really not long at all.