Meeting your X's SO

[redshoejune]

Have you ever had a sit down to meet your X's SO? I feel like I need to meet her because contrary to the advice in the other post he introduced my kids to her and her kids right away (as in about 4 months after he moved out and a couple weeks after he met her). My kids have been spending about 4 of the 10 nights/month he has with them at her place since August. Our divorce was less than a year ago so I was not expecting their relationship to last very long and in fact he has told me several times that they were going to or did break up, but it seems for now at least they are more on than off.

Anyway: do you think this is best done in a sit down or informal more like she is just there at pick up or something? with X (and kids?) there or not?
and then, what do you say? the main thing I want to say will probably make me look like a crazy person so I'm not sure what to do?

And for the record, I think the main thing I want to say is: I left my ex because he was abusive to me in front of my kids and I didn't want them to see it anymore. Please don't let them see him treat you that way.

However, since I'm 99% certain he didn't tell her anything about the abuse situation, I'm afraid this will just make me look psycho and I need help figuring out what to say instead. And with figuring out what to ask that will give me a better feel for who she is.

Our divorce agreement had nothing in it about dating or introducing kids or meeting the new SO in it because X was convinced I was divorcing him for someone else and I was afraid of what would happen if I brought up the topic.

[itsalllies]

This is new to me and I thankfully haven't had to deal with it yet, but I hope my h gives me the courtesy of meeting his SO prior to my kids meeting her. I want to know who my kid is spending time with. Especially if they are spending time at her house. Sleepovers there would not be okay with me not only because they haven't been together that long but especially because I have no idea who this lady is, what her habits are, what kind of place she lives in, if the neighborhood is safe, if the apartment is childproof, etc.

As for what to say, I'd probably have the "no abuse in front of the kids" talk with your ex h. I would like to meet her solely for the purpose of knowing more about her. Feel free to ask what you need. Your kids are spending (a lot) of time with her. Who cares how it makes you look. Your number one priority is your kids' safety.

[cuddlyevil]

My kids met her before I did. She was "Dad's friend from high school. We went to the park and ran into her there." - which, yeah. But they like her and her daughter, she's nice and pretty level-headed though sometimes I think she's threatened by me. But the kids are all right and happy, so is my ex.

As for what to say, it'll be more of a getting to know you kind of thing. I am inclined to say don't mention why your relationship ended, perhaps at another time but this meeting is more to get to know her.

[soso]

I wouldn't say anything to her. If she needs to be asked not to let it happen in front of the kids, then what you say won't matter and you will just look crazy/jealous/whatever (she will rationalize it and so will he).

If you truly want to get to know her, then I would talk to your ex about setting up coffee etc -- although I think it's really out of your control. What if you don't "like" her? How would you handle it if the situation was reversed?

[jojoandleo]

I think a meeting her to pick up the kids and quick getting to know each other is your best bet.

I am really torn on the telling her about the abuse. I feel like women should be warned about abusive guys, but I also think telling her this won't accomplish anything, excepting her alienating you and making things awkward. She doesn't know you from Eve, the chances she will believe YOU over HIM, are slim to none. I probably wouldn't sit down and tell her "Just don't let him hit you in front of my kids." Ugh. But I wouldn't be dishonest if she ASKED why the relationship ended (which I doubt she will).

If/when he becomes abusive with her, she will either leave or stay, but I doubt she would be like, "Oh, the kids are here, let's go to the bedroom and you can beat me there." Nor would I expect her to. Nor would I blame her for anything that happens. HE is the problem. SHE can't fix it.

[daisyn]

My XH has been remarried since 2012
I've never met her and don't really have any reason to. We've exchanged a few emails once on visitation logistics but that's it.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 31, 2015 11:46:22 GMT -5 daisyn said:

My XH has been remarried since 2012
I've never met her and don't really have any reason to. We've exchanged a few emails once on visitation logistics but that's it.

Seriously?  I could not imagine not knowing a person who was a part of my child's life.  I would want to know the person who could be such a big influence.

[daisyn]

Dec 31, 2015 11:49:31 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Dec 31, 2015 11:46:22 GMT -5 daisyn said:

My XH has been remarried since 2012
I've never met her and don't really have any reason to. We've exchanged a few emails once on visitation logistics but that's it.

Seriously?  I could not imagine not knowing a person who was a part of my child's life.  I would want to know the person who could be such a big influence.

Seriously
shes not really that involved in his life

[jellymankelly]

I've met two women in my XH's life. With one, we had brunch together with XH and my kids. She's a lovely, gracious person, so it was very nice. I guess I could have warned her about my XH and his fidelity issues, but she was aware of enough of it, and I felt it was none of my business to put him in blast to his new GF. I also hoped he wouldn't do those things to her and wanted to give him the opportunity to turn things around without constantly reminding him of his past. Plus, she is a smart woman and was able to weigh the risks herself. Sadly, it didn't work out for the two of them.

The first time I met his current GF, it was just in passing. We were swapping out the kids and she was there. She's very nice and polite, and she's had enough women harassing her because of XH that she knows all about his past. She's good to my boys, and they like her, and that makes me happy.

I feel like anything beyond how each of them treats and interacts with my kids is none of my business. I certainly wouldn't want XH going to my FI and pointing out all of the ways he feels I failed him in our marriage.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 31, 2015 11:56:18 GMT -5 daisyn said:

Dec 31, 2015 11:49:31 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Seriously?  I could not imagine not knowing a person who was a part of my child's life.  I would want to know the person who could be such a big influence.

Seriously
shes not really that involved in his life

She's married to his dad.  I'd say she's a part of his life.  As a child of divorce, I would find it super odd if my mom didn't even know my dad's WIFE.  

[daisyn]

Dec 31, 2015 12:01:47 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Dec 31, 2015 11:56:18 GMT -5 daisyn said:

Seriously
shes not really that involved in his life

She's married to his dad.  I'd say she's a part of his life.  As a child of divorce, I would find it super odd if my mom didn't even know my dad's WIFE.  

I don't think it's that odd
My parents are/were both remarried and I don't think my stepdad ever met my dad nor my mom meeting my dad's wife until my sister's wedding like 10 years after they got re-married.  I never even really thought about it.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 31, 2015 12:07:36 GMT -5 daisyn said:

Dec 31, 2015 12:01:47 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

She's married to his dad.  I'd say she's a part of his life.  As a child of divorce, I would find it super odd if my mom didn't even know my dad's WIFE.  

I don't think it's that odd
My parents are/were both remarried and I don't think my stepdad ever met my dad nor my mom meeting my dad's wife until my sister's wedding like 10 years after they got re-married.  I never even really thought about it.

Welp, if it works for you, cool.  I just have too much anxiety to not know who my hypothetical children would be around on a regular basis.  

[pinkdutchtulips]

Dec 31, 2015 11:56:18 GMT -5 daisyn said:

Dec 31, 2015 11:49:31 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Seriously?  I could not imagine not knowing a person who was a part of my child's life.  I would want to know the person who could be such a big influence.

Seriously
shes not really that involved in his life

xbil has only a vague idea of the current guy in his xw's life bc when i was finalizing christmas plans he said something about the kids being back from their mom's bf/fi's house in time to make christmas dinner at our aunt/uncle's house. xbil only has the kids 30% of the time. so he's not super involved.

as a kid of divorce myself, albeit i was 20 when the divorce was final, i had known my stepmom for YEARS prior to her becoming my stepmom and my mom had known her for YEARS before then as well (those stories you hear about spouses running off w/ their spouse's friend are TOTALLY true - happened to my mom)

as a divorced parent myself, IF, i had to share custody w/ dd's dad and he had someone 'new' in his life that was a LARGE part of it .. omg yes i'd want to know this person (especially since xh has a hxc of substance abuse issues and the last place i'd want dd is around TWO person w/ substance abuse issues :/).

[daisyn]

Dec 31, 2015 12:45:22 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Dec 31, 2015 11:56:18 GMT -5 daisyn said:

Seriously
shes not really that involved in his life

xbil has only a vague idea of the current guy in his xw's life bc when i was finalizing christmas plans he said something about the kids being back from their mom's bf/fi's house in time to make christmas dinner at our aunt/uncle's house. xbil only has the kids 30% of the time. so he's not super involved.

as a kid of divorce myself, albeit i was 20 when the divorce was final, i had known my stepmom for YEARS prior to her becoming my stepmom and my mom had known her for YEARS before then as well (those stories you hear about spouses running off w/ their spouse's friend are TOTALLY true - happened to my mom)

as a divorced parent myself, IF, i had to share custody w/ dd's dad and he had someone 'new' in his life that was a LARGE part of it .. omg yes i'd want to know this person (especially since xh has a hxc of substance abuse issues and the last place i'd want dd is around TWO person w/ substance abuse issues :/).

I guess I should add he's a good dad and I trust his judgment.  I also ran a background check on her and her adult son that lives with them.  They all live 1,000 miles away and my son only visits like twice a year so he doesn't see any of them that often.  And if I didn't like her there's really nothing I could do anyway.  I ask my son if she is nice to him and he says yes.  He's old enough to tell me if something is off.

[redshoejune]

Dec 31, 2015 5:32:35 GMT -5 itsalllies said:

This is new to me and I thankfully haven't had to deal with it yet, but I hope my h gives me the courtesy of meeting his SO prior to my kids meeting her. I want to know who my kid is spending time with. Especially if they are spending time at her house. Sleepovers there would not be okay with me not only because they haven't been together that long but especially because I have no idea who this lady is, what her habits are, what kind of place she lives in, if the neighborhood is safe, if the apartment is childproof, etc.

As for what to say, I'd probably have the "no abuse in front of the kids" talk with your ex h. I would like to meet her solely for the purpose of knowing more about her. Feel free to ask what you need. Your kids are spending (a lot) of time with her. Who cares how it makes you look. Your number one priority is your kids' safety.

I wish that had happened too, but unfortunately I didn't even know he was dating until my 5yo came home and told me how much she loved L and how sad she was that she didn't get to see her (because she was with me). After that he and I had some conversations about how it was too soon for the kids to be meeting people he was dating and he proceeded to lie to me about the fact that they were still together. Unfortunately for him, my dd wasn't "in" on the plan so as soon as I picked her up she would tell me all about hanging out with L's kids. The first time I heard (from the kids) they had spent the night at her place he told me it was an accident and he felt bad about it, but that didn't stop him from continuing to sleep there every weekend with the kids from then on. Sleepovers there are not ok with me either, however the reality is that I have no control over it. 

I have worked very hard to be completely neutral about the situation in front of the kids but I was so upset about it that I kept putting off meeting L and hoping she would just go away.

[glynn]

Dec 31, 2015 11:49:31 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Dec 31, 2015 11:46:22 GMT -5 daisyn said:

My XH has been remarried since 2012
I've never met her and don't really have any reason to. We've exchanged a few emails once on visitation logistics but that's it.

Seriously?  I could not imagine not knowing a person who was a part of my child's life.  I would want to know the person who could be such a big influence.

My X has been remarried since 2001 and I have not had a conversion with her ever..... My kids are adults now and hate her. She was very confrontational the first time I saw her. She does not like me because she thinks I want him even though I left him. I do not need to talk to her nor do I want to. It did not have to be that way but it is. I expect my DD to have no relationship with her in the coming years and DS little to none.

[mcgee]

My kids met my ex's girlfriend when they visited him in the summer. He wanted to bring her for a weekend visit in my state, and he planned for them to all stay together in an RV at a campground. I'd never met her. I put my foot down and insisted that if she was coming and would be essentially living with my children for visits, then I wanted a chance to meet her and get to know her beyond the five second "how are you? nice to meet you" moment when we exchanged the kids. He balked and tried to weasel out of it, but I insisted. I took her to brunch. It was awkward as hell for so many, many, many reasons, but I got through it, and I'm glad I did it.

FWIW, my advice is that you should only demand a meeting with the girlfriend if this is someone who is going to be around your kids A LOT, like staying for overnight visits, because you don't want your ex to decide that he has a right to meet and potentially harass every single person you date. Choose a neutral location like a restaurant where you can have coffee or a meal, no alcohol. Keep the conversation solely focused on the kids and on her. I would really like to know when my ex started dating this woman because I suspect it was before our divorce is final, but I haven't bothered to ask. Based on how my ex freaked out about me wanting the meeting, I am fairly certain he told her all sorts of awful stuff about me, so I went into the meeting knowing that I needed to prove that I was calm, polite, intelligent, and reasonable, while also making it clear that I wouldn't be pushed around. That said, don't dwell on problems in your marriage or why you divorced. The meeting should be about moving forward and how you can all get along because that's what's best for the children. 

I was able to learn a lot about her, and I was able to pass along some suggestions to her about things she and the ex could do to make visits go more smoothly, hoping that he'd listen to her because he sure as hell doesn't listen to me. Thus far the results have been mixed on that front. She does not have children, so I used the meeting in part to get some background on what experience she had with children, whether she wanted kids of her own, what she enjoyed doing with my kids, etc. If your ex's new SO does have kids, then that's a good opportunity to learn more about them, how they interact or could interact with your kids, how often those kids are around, etc. 

I do think this woman - now his fiance - is a bit strange, but there's nothing there that makes me think she's a danger to my kids, and I felt much better about her being around them after I'd had a chance to meet her. We'll never be friends, but she's nice to the kids, and that's what matters.

[stephreloaded]

I think you can suggest your ex that you would like to meet her. His answer will only depend on him and you need to understand that. I think the most beneficial thing would be to just a quick chat, maybe at a drop off or pick up to keep it light and then go from there.

I have never dealt with this as neither the ex or me have dated anyone since 2008. Well his roommate/ best friend is like a stepmom to DD.

Regarding the abuse, I wouldn't say anything. Maybe he learn from his mistakes and be different with her or he will be the same asshole you left and she will find out soon enough.

[sacattack]

I think you should meet her and how you do that depends a lot on how you interact with your kids father now. I met both my EX-H's girlfriend and my H's exwife in casual settings. We would stay in chat for a few minutes at pickup or at a sports event. Slowly these interactions became longer and more meaningful. As much as I don't care for my EX-H as a spouse I trust his judgement as a parent so I wasn't concerned about my children.

[formerlyak]

Dec 31, 2015 12:23:52 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Dec 31, 2015 12:07:36 GMT -5 daisyn said:

I don't think it's that odd
My parents are/were both remarried and I don't think my stepdad ever met my dad nor my mom meeting my dad's wife until my sister's wedding like 10 years after they got re-married.  I never even really thought about it.

Welp, if it works for you, cool.  I just have too much anxiety to not know who my hypothetical children would be around on a regular basis.  

I'm here. I don't think I could handle not knowing the person who my son sleeps in the same house with on a regular basis. And I always expected that ex would want to know DS' stepdad. DS' stepdad is more involved on a day to day basis in DS' life than his dad is, to the point that some of his friends at school thought stepdad was his dad until we explained it.

As far as meeting the new SO, we just did it casually. I think ex met my DH (stepdad) at one of DS' soccer or baseball games and I met ex's fiance when they came to pick up DS from my house one day.

[glitzyglow]

This is so interesting!

My mother and ex-step-mother (of 10 years) never once greeted each other, let alone talked to one another, during the period of time they were both in my life (ages 8-18).

My step-father has been in my life since I was 2 years old. My biological father and step-father have never had an actual conversation. I know they yelled at each other once after my bio dad was two hours late dropping me off...that was probably the most they ever interacted.