opinions on online dating

[Deleted]

Online dating isn't for everyone and that's ok.
I didn't do it for awhile, then did it for about 2 months casually, was going to delete my account and then met my boyfriend.

I prefer meeting guys in other situations.

You probably wouldn't get much of a positive response online without a picture. It's ok to be hesitant because it's true, you never know who is out there looking at things on the Internet. If you don't feel like doing the online dating thing, that's perfectly ok.

[jigsy]

Do I think you are overly cautious? Yes. But if YOU don't feel comfortable with it, that is ok. It isn't about what anyone else is ok with.

I do think OLD would be a waste of time without your picture. Because like you said, attraction isn't the #1 thing, but it is important to everyone.

Are you sure you are in a headspace to date? If you aren't finding anyone attractive, maybe it's because you aren't ready to, kwim.

ETA: I think the intent of most men online is the same as the intent of most women online. It is a place to meet people you may want to spend time with. There are some douchers in the world who use it for negative things, but I think it is mostly people who are just looking to connect, and online is a way to do it in today's society. I don't think OLD is for the people who fail at IRL interaction.

[brooke77]

It sounds like online dating may not be for you. Personally, it is not for me either. Like PP's said, that's OK!

Why are you worried about your neighbors or coworkers finding out you are interested in dating? Sorry, if you explained this before. I don't exactly broadcast my single status, but I have told coworkers and friends and they want to introduce me to new people. It's a great way to meet new people, especially since I'm not really interested in meeting people online.

[alleinesein]

Running across a coworker or friend in the online dating world is only an issue/big deal if you make it one! I've encountered a few former coworkers on OKC and just recently had an old classmate pop up on Tinder. I did have one coworker on OKC that I contacted just for shits and giggles b/c we have the type of friendship where neither of us would make an issue of it; I told him his profile was lacking in his paranoid government views and he responded with an inside joke. We gossiped about stuff, exchanged random observations about online dating and went on with life.

I do occasionally run across my XH online. I either block him or hide him depending on the site that its on. Takes a few seconds and it is done. It isnt a big deal.

You are less likely to run into someone you know on sites like eHarmony since you have to pay to do 99.9% of stuff on the site.

If you are finding no one attractive out of 1000's of men maybe you need to figure out why. It could be because you arent ready to jump into a new relationship or it could be that you have an idealized version of the perfect guy and no one will ever live up to that expectation.

I prefer meeting people online because I can sit in my room in my undies and be comfortable. I cant do that in a bar. I've also been active online in various communities for 22 years so having an internet presence is not a big deal.

[Deleted]

Jan 5, 2016 16:36:32 GMT -5 mommadukes said:

Jan 5, 2016 16:14:07 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Online dating isn't for everyone and that's ok.
I didn't do it for awhile, then did it for about 2 months casually, was going to delete my account and then met my boyfriend.

I prefer meeting guys in other situations.

You probably wouldn't get much of a positive response online without a picture. It's ok to be hesitant because it's true, you never know who is out there looking at things on the Internet. If you don't feel like doing the online dating thing, that's perfectly ok.

 
I am also really curious on the intent of online dating for some men. I have scrolled through for now just rummaging through pics and I havent found anyone remotely cute. even when I am out, I feel I dont have an attraction to anyone. obviously it's not about looks 100% but still have to be decent.

I think the intent of men (and women) in online dating is no different than other ways to meet people. Some people are looking for just hook ups, some people are looking to casually date and some people are looking for something more serious.

If you don't find anyone at all attractive, maybe you're not ready to date and that's fine too.

[closertofine]

Not meaning to hijack, but what are the "good" sites these days? I met stbxh on eharmony 11 years ago. What is match like? What are these ok cupid and tinder all about? I'm so old! (And incidentally, not currently looking, but when I am ready, I'll try online again.)

[glitzyglow]

I think if you're uncomfortable with having your picture/first name out there on the internet, internet dating isn't the best option for you. Personally, I don't respond to people who don't have pictures. Also, it seems unfair that you have the option to judge men by their photos, but don't necessarily want to reciprocate that option for them. There are options to meet people outside of online dating, but I don't think the online dating forum is a place where you get to pick and choose certain parts of the process such as sharing pictures of oneself, especially when data suggests having pictures is something like 95% of the reason someone clicks on your profile.

closertofine, I've used apps like Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, OKCupid, and Plenty of Fish (POF). I preferred Tinder, CMB, and Bumble since a user could only message me if we'd "matched" (or both indicated that we would talk to the other). On OKC and POF anyone can message you, which I did not like.

[stephreloaded]

I think that you are not ready to date or online dating is not for you. I think it is only normal to be curious to know what the other person looks like. It doesn't mean that I'm just going to reject someone just based on looks but I do not feel comfortable talking to a person that does not have a profile picture.

I also think that if you run into someone on a dating site, what can the person say? They are there too so they cannot judge you for something they are doing too!

[sessy]

I'm a pastor and was matched with one of my parishioners, it doesn't really get worse than that really. My on-line dating lasted about 24 hours because of it.

This not really helpful except to say that yes sometimes you run into people you know on-line.

[redshoejune]

I felt the same way for a while and then recently changed my mind and made a profile with my picture. I think being ready to add a picture signified to me I was more ready to date than before. Then for a while I noticed that I was finding a reason to say no to every profile I looked at, and that seemed like a sign that maybe I wasn't ready as well.
This past weekend I saw several people that looked interesting and messaged several guys, so I think I am that much closer to being ready.
However, my X has done some things that have really shaken me up in the past couple days so I think I may need more time alone. Don't know, still thinking about it.

I will say that on OKC I have gotten several messages from jerks and only a couple that seemed like nicer guys. One I was not attracted to at all and the other lives too far away for me to really consider.

[GilliC]

Re: not being attracted to anyone, is this a new thing, or were you like this when you were single before? If it's a new thing, I agree with the PPs that you should consider whether you're really ready to date again. If you've always been like this, then that's a different story (and you have my sympathy. I have a friend who rarely finds any men she's attracted to, and she hates the long dry spells even between casual partners).

As for online dating, not only do you have to be willing to put a bit of your identity out there, but you also need to have a thick skin. There are tons of people who are there to meet new people and find a relationship, but there are also a lot of jerks. Luckily, most of the time, the jerks make themselves known up front (usually unpleasantly), and it's much less common to find someone playing a long con. It does happen, but it's not a significant percentage. (Just keep an eye out for things that strike you as weird, and ask the wise and experienced ladies of SO what they think!)

[mcgee]

I met my ex-husband on match.com, which I realize is not a screaming endorsement for it. That was in 2003. What I like about online dating sites is that you get a pretty decent amount of information upfront and have a better idea of who the guy (or girl, depending on your preferences) is before actually interacting with the person. Does he have kids? Want kids? What does he like or dislike? And it at least gives you a reasonably decent idea of how much you might have in common. 

How successful you are with various dating sites or apps probably depends a lot on the general population in your area. The last time I tried online dating, there seemed to be a better dating pool on match.com than on OKCupid, for example, but my friend in another state found her husband via OKCupid. If you're going to try it, then you have to be comfortable with putting yourself out there, and you have to be okay with rejection. You will likely write to people and not get a response at all. Or you'll put up a profile and get messages from people who don't meet whatever age, education, etc. parameters you've set in your profile, and that can be really disheartening. I had a totally unrealistic view of online dating because I found my ex on match.com, he was the first person I contact, we got married. That doesn't normally happen. 

If you're not comfortable having your photos and a profile about you online, even without your name, then it might not be the best venue for you at this point, and that's okay! 

[angieawesome]

If you aren't planning to put up pics, I say this probably isn't for you. You will get very few responses without a pic or two. I did meet my now husband on a dating site, however I went through a lot of bad dates and guys who were...just not for me. I did make some good friends and it was, for the most part, a positive experience for me. However, it definitely isn't for everyone. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

[Deleted]

Like others have said, no pic will get you non-serious action. So what if people know you're doing online dating? I saw people I knew, who cares!? We're all there for the same thing---to possibly meet someone we never otherwise would have met.
I met my boyfriend (of over 2 years) online, actually on a free site. I did both free and paid sites.
We lived 30 minutes from each other and never would have met if not for online dating.
Maybe it's not for everyone, but why not try?

[Deleted]

If Old Navy only had descriptions of the clothes, would you rush to fill your cart at all if you couldn't SEE a pattern, cut/length, color, the way it hangs, etc.? Probably not.

FWIW, BF and I were at dinner last night and he leaned in to say, "When we went upstairs to check out the bar, I totally saw a chick who I previously saw on Tinder." So when she walked out he pointed her out, but we had the "eh, online dating happens" talk and shared OLD-meets-IRL occurrences and had a good laugh.

If you'd rather meet people in person, join activity groups, meetup.com and get your face out there more. Worthwhile dudes are not going to come knocking on your door without some effort.

[jigsy]

I will second @bigtowlittletoe's suggestion of meetup.com. I joined a book club and have made wonderful friends. I have also gone to a few where the fit just wasn't right, so don't get discouraged if you don't feel it right away. Find groups that mesh with your personal interests - Maybe you will meet the man of your dreams, maybe you will meet a great friend who is friends with the man of your dreams.

I find it was helpful to go to the meetup's at first that were centered around an activity so there is something you can do/talk about while warming up.

[Wanderista]

I used to be a shy person and so online dating did suit me because I liked knowing about a potential date and even chatting with him for a while before meeting. It helped me to break the ice. I was never that good at meeting guys in a bar or similar because I would freeze up or not want to admit any feelings. I also found online dating to be good for me because then I was less likely to just fall for a guy's looks and more likely to pick someone with more common interests or interesting qualities. That said, having photos and seeing theirs was still a big part of the equation. I thought that guys without a photo were creepy and I wouldn't talk to them.

It's not for everyone and I have friends who really would not do most forms of OLD or who tried it and hated it. I have a friend who has a gift for chatting up guys in bars. I know a few people who really need to interact with a guy for a while or to meet through friends. As others said, find the way to put yourself out there that works for you, but putting yourself out there is key. It is great if you can have fun along the way whenever possible.

[Deleted]

Jan 5, 2016 19:21:29 GMT -5 closertofine said:

Not meaning to hijack, but what are the "good" sites these days? I met stbxh on eharmony 11 years ago. What is match like? What are these ok cupid and tinder all about? I'm so old! (And incidentally, not currently looking, but when I am ready, I'll try online again.)

Over the past few months I've tried Tinder and Plenty of Fish.  I'm in a large city so there are a ton of people. 

IMO Tinder is pretty much useless, assuming you're looking for a relationship.  So many people only post photo(s) so if you match you have to spend a lot time just trying to get basic info (do they actually live near you or are they just visiting near you, divorced, kids, religion, smoking, etc, etc) where with POF you already have all of that plus photos from their profile.

I've had some fun with all of it.  I really do think it's the norm now for single people of all ages to be on dating sites.