Re (not) meeting the so

[redshoejune]

So my post about meeting the SO? Well, I still haven't met her. And my kids tell me that he has moved in with her, around new years. He won't confirm or deny, but says the move will be gradual over the next 3 weeks. Or 6. He changes his story. But the kids' beds were there over new years so it seems like it has already happened. He has also refused so far to give me her address or phone number. I do know she lives 30-45 minutes away without traffic or bad weather, and I'm frustrated that he thinks this is an acceptable commute for kindergarten (neighborhood school, I doubt anyone lives more than about 5 minutes away). Not to mention the fact that as recent as 2.5 weeks ago he was still telling me they were breaking up.

Have I mentioned he moved out less than a year ago?
I don't know how to keep putting the kids first when he doesn't seem to care about them at all and when doing so allows him to walk all over me.

Our agreement is silent on him moving and on relationships, so there isn't anything obvious I want to fight in court, but I feel like any sane person would think this is fucked up.

I don't want to fight. But I don't want him to think he can keep treating me this way either (he has also been late for dropoff and early for pickup and generally been an ass the last few weeks).

Don't really need advice, venting.

[1confused1]

Wow. He isn't required to let you know where he has the kids when they're with him?

[sweetchix]

They supposedly moved in with her? At the very least, shouldn't he be required to give you the address where he and your kids are now living?

[cuddlyevil]

He won't tell you where he's living? That's some shady shit.

Are you in therapy? Because you seem like you could use an unbiased ear to help you talk it through. You can keep putting the kids first, you have to because he clearly is not. Taking care of them is not letting him walk all over you. But you need to know where they're going to stay when they're with him.

My ex started dating 3 weeks after we split and moved in with his GF two months after I moved out. It definitely sucks ass. I'm sorry.

[daisyn]

Wait he moved in with her? Does you divorce agreement have anything about reporting to you a change in his address? Mine says something like he has 3 days to tell me.

[jojoandleo]

I think it is weird he won't tell you where he is living. You should know where your kids are. And while I think it is weird you haven't met her, and that he is moving so fast while also claiming he will break up with her-these are not things you can control.

You are going to have to learn to let these things go. It sucks, I KNOW, but it will stress you out if you keep thinking he should act like YOU would. He won't.

Living 30 minutes from school isn't a big deal. So what if typically people are 5 minutes away? It doesn't affect YOU. HE is the one who will have to drive that commute. Sometimes people will be late to drop off, shit happens. If he is being an ass to you, just tell him you won't talk to him when he is treating you that way, and he can call when he is ready to be civil. Are you telling him you think his choices are bad? Because of course he will be a dick then. I'd suggest staying out of his personal life. Leave your discussions about the kids, and the kids alone.

[cuddlyevil]

ITA with JoJo. My ex lives 30-45 minutes North of us and he manages to get the kids to school on time the days he has them. He bitches about how much he pays for gas, but that's not my problem.

[housewife]

I don't think moving 45 min away is a big deal, but I would absolutely need an address.

[formerlyak]

My ex moved 30 minutes away from our town, so DS had a commute to and from school on the LA freeways (in unavoidable traffic) once a week. My ex is ALWAYS late, but has managed to get DS to school on time every day since he moved two years ago. And he still brings him to his extra curriculars on the weekends when he has him and, recently, he has even been making the drive on his weekend to get him to birthday parties. So it can work.

The part that is shady is that he hasn't given you the address. Are you sure there isn't some standard default that says a parent has to disclose their address within x days? We went with the default on things like that, so we each had 30 days to disclose when we moved. As the custodial parent, I had to do it by certified letter. I think he just had to tell me (I got his new info via email from him). Do you have a lawyer you can talk to about that part?

[katiecj6]

When my ex moved in with his girlfriend (and he didn't tell me, I found out a few weeks later), I refused to send DS for his visitation.

But my CO said that any moves/new addresses needed to be sent to the other person in writing.

I have an ex that moves a lot. Luckily, for the past couple years, DS and exFI stay with his parents during visits. It's nice for DS to have that stability.

[stephreloaded]

If your kids are now living there, I would remind him that it is his responsibility to let you know where that is and give you a phone number and address.

I also don't think the 45min commute is a big deal. DDS school is that for form where I live. As long as he is always on time, I wouldnt sweat it.

[redshoejune]

Our parenting plan isn't that great because I wrote it and a)there are a lot of situations I couldn't have imagined; and b)he was an abusive jerk and I didn't realize how much he was in my head - I was afraid of his reactions so there were topics I purposely avoided to keep him from retaliating by seeking more custody.

So, no, there isn't anything in our agreement about him having to tell me where he lives - I never imagined that it was something he wouldn't just tell me. I did write into the plan that on our every other weekend exchanges I would pick up at his place so that I could see how the kids were living when they weren't with me.
I don't know what will happen this Sunday, which is our first exchange since I found out about the move. Last time he told me he would drop the off without any explanation and I let it go without a fight.

I have asked him again this week for her phone number and address and he hasn't responded.

As far as the commute, I will let it go. It seems like maybe it's not that far out of the norm. The main reason I was concerned about it was because she is already at school for up to 11 hours a day when you include before and after care and I think adding another 1-2 hours of drive time is too much for her. But, I have no will to fight, especially when I have a lot to lose and don't feel that sure that I would win.

[1confused1]

Do you have an attorney?

[redshoejune]

Jan 13, 2016 0:10:43 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Do you have an attorney?

I had one during the divorce - haven't been in touch since. I'm afraid to get lawyers involved because he's always threating that he will fight for more custody and I feel like he would win.
If he wins more custody I would have to sell my house to be able to afford child support.

[tevagirl]

Jan 13, 2016 0:13:02 GMT -5 redshoejune said:

Jan 13, 2016 0:10:43 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Do you have an attorney?

I had one during the divorce - haven't been in touch since. I'm afraid to get lawyers involved because he's always threating that he will fight for more custody and I feel like he would win.
If he wins more custody I would have to sell my house to be able to afford child support.

So do you have 50/50 custody? What makes you think he would get more time?

I have full physical custody of dd, her dad has visitation. He moved to another state about months ago to get married again, he chose not to amend our agreement. He is also now unemployed due to the move and is not current on his child support. I refused to allow Ella to go down to his new house until I had an address.

[redshoejune]

Jan 13, 2016 0:27:15 GMT -5 tevagirl said:

Jan 13, 2016 0:13:02 GMT -5 redshoejune said:

I had one during the divorce - haven't been in touch since. I'm afraid to get lawyers involved because he's always threating that he will fight for more custody and I feel like he would win.
If he wins more custody I would have to sell my house to be able to afford child support.

So do you have 50/50 custody? What makes you think he would get more time?

I have full physical custody of dd, her dad has visitation. He moved to another state about months ago to get married again, he chose not to amend our agreement. He is also now unemployed due to the move and is not current on his child support. I refused to allow Ella to go down to his new house until I had an address.

No, we do not have 50/50. I have majority, which we agreed on during the divorce. I think if he asked for more he would get more, or at least would have a good chance of getting more. I'm not sure any of his shitty behavior would be considered enough of a reason not to grant his request.

I would like to keep the kids home until I have an address, but he picks them up directly from school and it would be hard to actually do it, it would hurt the kids if I kept them away from him, and I don't want to do anything that violates our CO in case we do end up back in court.

[1confused1]

Jan 13, 2016 0:13:02 GMT -5 redshoejune said:

Jan 13, 2016 0:10:43 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Do you have an attorney?

I had one during the divorce - haven't been in touch since. I'm afraid to get lawyers involved because he's always threating that he will fight for more custody and I feel like he would win.
If he wins more custody I would have to sell my house to be able to afford child support.

I really feel like you need to get an attorney to set up a new custody situation. You need to stop being afraid of your xh and stand up for your kids. You and them deserve better than how he is treating this situation. Your kids and your happiness is more important than a house.

[cuddlyevil]

You need therapy, you shouldn't be this afraid of him.

Get back in touch with your attorney and get solid legal advice, if only to relieve some anxiety.

[jojoandleo]

Once a custody arrangement is in place, it usually is difficult to change unless there is some REASON to change it. Courts like stability with children. I would talk to your attorney (because family law is VERY state specific) and get some advice. This doesn't mean you have to pursue anything, but I think it would help with your anxiety to hear what you attorney thinks about his threats. I also think some therapy would be good. Your XH obviously still has a hold on you. You fear him and his threats to the detriment of your health. A therapist can also help you sort through what is worth fighting and what you should let go.

I am very sorry you are going through this.

[turtle1120]

Just because your custody agreement is silent about him having to tell you where he lives, he may still be required to by state statute. In my state, it's a requirement that the other parent have an address and phone number of the other's residence. I'd speak to an attorney.

[redshoejune]

Yes I am in therapy. The reason I'm so concerned about the house is because that's where all the stability for the kids comes from. Their schools and our neighbors and all our supports come from our neighborhood. A more affordable living situation would require a pretty significant move and would shake up their world a lot.
I am considering talking to my attorney but am going to talk with dd's therapist first.

[RamblingRose]

Jan 14, 2016 18:23:06 GMT -5 redshoejune said:

Yes I am in therapy. The reason I'm so concerned about the house is because that's where all the stability for the kids comes from. Their schools and our neighbors and all our supports come from our neighborhood. A more affordable living situation would require a pretty significant move and would shake up their world a lot.
I am considering talking to my attorney but am going to talk with dd's therapist first.

A more affordable living situation will still be a stable one. Moving isn't the end of the world, and there are surely other good schools around?

[mcgee]

Jan 11, 2016 8:01:37 GMT -5 daisyn said:

Wait he moved in with her? Does you divorce agreement have anything about reporting to you a change in his address? Mine says something like he has 3 days to tell me.

Yes, my decree also specifies that he is required to let me know his new address as soon as he moves, and he's required to notify the court as well for the purposes of child support.

[redshoejune]

I've made peace with where he is living (as far as the distance thing), but he still hasn't given me her address or phone number. I am going to bug him more about it this week. As far as I can tell, since he is not the primary custodial parent, there are no laws that require him to give me notice about moving. We do not have anything in our decree about it and neither one of us pays child support.