Some days I really don't like my husband

[friskypanda]

Soemtimes I think it's amazing I haven't thrown anything at his head. When I am spending 2 hours trying to get our kid to go to sleep, it really isn't the time to make a comment about how much you clean. How about I make a comment about how much I do for the SKs?

Most of the time things are fine, but dealing with DD at night has me at the end of the rope tonight, and making me want to throw something heavy at his head.

Really, what an ass, right? Not normally, but tonight is just not the fucking night for this.

[fussbucket]

How old is your kid now? How long on an average day does it take to get her to sleep?

I'm just saying, maybe your H is looking for some reasonable adult time in his day, and getting your DD to sleep promptly would really help with that.

I realize that my opinion as a person with an ::CLEARS THROAT:: "easy sleeper" is of dramatically limited value to some people.

[Muddled]

At least you have some value, fuss. We all know that I am not a person.

[fussbucket]

May 10, 2012 23:08:19 GMT -5 Muddled said:

At least you have some value, fuss. We all know that I am not a person.

Not YET. I think we all know what you could do to rectify this.

[partiallysunny]

I think you are taking the frustration you feel about putting your kid to bed out on your H.

Anyway he could take over this duty a couple nights a week to give you a break? How old is your LO?

[friskypanda]

DD is 5, and yes I was frustrated. She ended up not falling asleep until midnight. He could tell he hurt my feelings (even if he was just joking) and apologized, told me he appreciated everything I do, etc.

Last night was just a rough night. I need to get better with her bedtime routine, but it gets thrown off every other weekend when my SKs come over. DD sees a therapist for potty, behavioral and anxiety issues. We were focusing primarily on the potty issues, but now it seems those are biological and we've gotten a urologist involved so it may be time to focus on the bedtime thing. Of course, without the potty thing being resolved I don't know if it's time to move on. I need to chat with her therapist about this.

Thanks for listening guys

[friskypanda]

Oh, and about him wanting adult time. That wasn't the deal last night. He was playing video games so it wasn't like he wanted to spend time with me and was irrritated DD was taking away from that. He thought he was being funny - I told him when she's a teenager he gets to be the chauffeur (SKs get driven around alot) since I have to deal with the bedtime drama. He said something about him doing that if I do all the cleaning.

The butthead has poor comedic timing.

[Deleted]

Dude, why is it taking 2 hours to put a five year old to bed?

[partiallysunny]

So he refuses to help with bedtime?

[kmw325i]

May 11, 2012 12:24:40 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Dude, why is it taking 2 hours to put a five year old to bed?

This is all my brain can come up with. Granted, My kid is only 1, and so obviously I barely count as a person. But bedtime at our house works like this:
Insert 1 child in bed.
Cover with blanket.
Give night-night kisses.
Walk away.
Turn off light.
Close door.
Profit.

Some nights he cries, some nights he doesn't. All nights, he's in bed at 8:30, dead asleep by 9:15 at the latest. End of story.

I read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and that was pretty much the greatest thing that happened to us. He was transitioning from 3 naps to 2, and I was being driven insane.

[BettyBookWorm]

I'm sorry, Panda. I am not qualified to help in the sleep department. DD is young & for now a great sleeper. However, I do think your H could have timed his attempts at being funny a little better. Is there any way that he could HELP you try to put your kid to sleep instead of cracking jokes? You know, read her a story or give her a bath to have Daddy Time prior to the battle to get her to sleep?

It sounds like there is a lot more going on with her anxiety issues and some other things that could be affecting her sleep. Is she having night terrors?

No matter what, I hope that you can get something worked out so its better for everyone.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 13:42:54 GMT -5 kmw325i said:

May 11, 2012 12:24:40 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Dude, why is it taking 2 hours to put a five year old to bed?

This is all my brain can come up with. Granted, My kid is only 1, and so obviously I barely count as a person. But bedtime at our house works like this:
Insert 1 child in bed.
Cover with blanket.
Give night-night kisses.
Walk away.
Turn off light.
Close door.
Profit.

Some nights he cries, some nights he doesn't. All nights, he's in bed at 8:30, dead asleep by 9:15 at the latest. End of story.

I read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and that was pretty much the greatest thing that happened to us. He was transitioning from 3 naps to 2, and I was being driven insane.

You forgot threaten his little life if he so much of thinks about leaving that bed before you tell him to.

[kmw325i]

I haven't had to add that step in yet, HS. He still sleeps in a crib. if he escapes from that, we're pretty much fucked.

[BettyBookWorm]

You forgot threaten his little life if he so much of thinks about leaving that bed before you tell him to.

---

There is always this

[friskypanda]

May 11, 2012 12:24:40 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Dude, why is it taking 2 hours to put a five year old to bed?

Bedtime starts at 8:30. The shower is 15 minutes, final potty sit takes 10 minutes, books take about 10-15 min, then 5 min backrub. So conceivably she should be in bed trying to sleep by 9:15 at the latest. Unfortunately, there is alot of dawdling, alot of going through the steps the therapist has given us when she gets defiant.

Then once I leave her room, there is alot of sneaking out. She sneaks to my desk and starts art projects (pictures, cut and paste stuff, although I've now hidden the scissors), or she'll play with her toys. I'd move her toys out of her room, but there is no other place for them. Then there are the trips downstairs to tell me she's scared, or she's hungry, or she's not tired, or she heard a noise. Yelling at her doesn't work. She ignores it. Threats don't work. I can take toys and she has no reaction. We are doing a positive reinforcement sticker chart related to pottying, and that has worked well so I expect we'll do that for bedtime as well, but I don't think we want multiple sticker charts floating around. That would be confusing.

It's exhausting, but we've been focusing on her potty issues. That's been the pressing issue - stopping the poop withholding and pee accidents. That and the behavior stuff. I'm scheduling a parent meet with therapist within the next week or two to try to sort this out. We can't put everything else on hold until we see the urologist.

[eringobraless]

A 5 minute back rub every night at bed time for a 5 year old? Seriously? I have to result to bribery to get a half assed 2 minute back rub from my H. Do you make house calls?

[kmw325i]

Maybe start the bedtime rituals a little earlier.

Also, I'm no expert, but maybe cut down the bedtime ritual. That's kind of a lot of lead-up to bedtime, IMO. Ask her if she'd like a bedtime story OR a massage. 5 is old enough to figure out what will help her relax the most. It just seems like with all of this long, drawn-out routine, you might just be enabling the stalling a little bit.

[Deleted]

May 11, 2012 17:47:29 GMT -5 friskypanda said:

May 11, 2012 12:24:40 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Dude, why is it taking 2 hours to put a five year old to bed?

Bedtime starts at 8:30. The shower is 15 minutes, final potty sit takes 10 minutes, books take about 10-15 min, then 5 min backrub. So conceivably she should be in bed trying to sleep by 9:15 at the latest. Unfortunately, there is alot of dawdling, alot of going through the steps the therapist has given us when she gets defiant.

Then once I leave her room, there is alot of sneaking out. She sneaks to my desk and starts art projects (pictures, cut and paste stuff, although I've now hidden the scissors), or she'll play with her toys. I'd move her toys out of her room, but there is no other place for them. Then there are the trips downstairs to tell me she's scared, or she's hungry, or she's not tired, or she heard a noise. Yelling at her doesn't work. She ignores it. Threats don't work. I can take toys and she has no reaction. We are doing a positive reinforcement sticker chart related to pottying, and that has worked well so I expect we'll do that for bedtime as well, but I don't think we want multiple sticker charts floating around. That would be confusing.

It's exhausting, but we've been focusing on her potty issues. That's been the pressing issue - stopping the poop withholding and pee accidents. That and the behavior stuff. I'm scheduling a parent meet with therapist within the next week or two to try to sort this out. We can't put everything else on hold until we see the urologist.

Granted I'm not a mom, but this sounds out of control. She's controlling the situation whereas it's really yours to control. Have you ever seen Supernanny and her Get To Bed routine? It's a lot tougher than yours, and yes it may take time to get them (and you) adjusted, and it might even be pereceived as mean, but psychologically, right now, your DD controls the show and is attention-seeking/testing your boundaries. Supernanny's method doesn't allow for any of that and it places the control back where it should be, on the parents. Your job as a parent is to get the kids good at self-discipline, and it really doesn't sound like any of that's going on now.

Again, I'm not a mom (by choice) but I do know a thing or three about behavioral training. Think about it.

[Deleted]

It is out of control. She's five. She understands bedtime.

Also, 8:30 is entirely too late to start a bedtime routine. Mine are 8 and 10 and there little behinds are in bed, lights out by 8:30 for the younger one, 9 for the older one. All bedtime routine is completely before then.

Actually, that's what's worked best for us is to separate as much as we can from bedtime and do it earlier in the day. They take their baths right after dinner, then put on their pajamas and brush their teeth. If you're going to do stories, I would suggest doing them at the same time every night well in advance of bedtime.

As for the sneaking out of her room, go to Ace Hardware or Home Depot and find the aisle where they keep the locks. They have those door chime things that will go off when she opens the door. We had to use those on pete because he had a nasty habit of sneaking out in the middle of the night and taking food into his room then leaving it to rot in the back of the closet. The door chime saved his life.

And ditto the supernanny suggestion. Your kid is ruling the roost here.

[alecto819]

I'm going to agree with Habs.

Little man is an escape artist. So we lock him in his room until we go to bed. That way he can get out if he needs to get us once we're asleep, but he can't just break out if he decides bedtime isn't fun.

I think your therapist would agree that you're giving too much power over to her during the bedtime mess.

[friskypanda]

I didn't want to come back in because I knew you guys were going to say this. It is awful. I do need to get a better handle on it. At least I know that much, right?

I think I'm going to set the alarm clock downstairs for 8pm to start bedtime. That way it can be more of an automatic thing rather than a how I feel thing. She does well with alarms and timers, and frankly so do I.

[sparkles17]

I know that you say that yelling doesn't help, and that very well may be the case, but you need to lay down the law here. There is no way that that would fly in my house (I have a 4y/o and a 5y/o). We got home last night past their bedtime, it was potty, brush teeth, jammies, hugs and kisses and sleep (we skipped the book since it was late). Seriously, start to finish was less than 10 minutes. If it took me 2 hrs to get my kids to bed at night, I might just hand myself. She is 5 y/o and more than capable of understanding rules. You are the parent, you need to assert yourself and fix this now. If you don't know how, then talking to her therapist would be a really good idea, though you have gotten a lot of great advice here. Honestly, I wish I had better advice, but I've never really dealt with this. Good luck!

[Deleted]

Frankly, the alarm would be for when she needs to go directly to bed, do not pass the refrigerator, do not collect a glass of water, GO TO BED.

If I were in your shoes, immediately after dinner, I would have her brush her teeth and get into her jammies. Then if she followed directions well and you didn't have to argue with her about it, she could have story time in some place other than her bedroom. Then at 7:30, kisses, hugs, and bed.

[fussbucket]

May 14, 2012 1:36:49 GMT -5 friskypanda said:

I didn't want to come back in because I knew you guys were going to say this. It is awful. I do need to get a better handle on it. At least I know that much, right?

I think I'm going to set the alarm clock downstairs for 8pm to start bedtime. That way it can be more of an automatic thing rather than a how I feel thing. She does well with alarms and timers, and frankly so do I.

I think the alarm clock is a good idea.

And you need to get a handle on it, yes. It's having a negative impact on EVERYONE in your family.

Your daughter seems to be defiant in so many areas, it sounds like she's settled on fighting you as a failsafe way to get your attention. What I'd try instead is some empathy and understanding about what she professes to want to do. "Yes, I understand that staying up would be more fun than going to bed. There's lots of fun things you could be doing, in fact. But going to bed at bedtime helps you stay healthy, and it's my job as your mom to help you stay healthy, because I love you. All those fun things to do will be there tomorrow, and you can pick what you want to do first thing after breakfast tomorrow morning."

I also think she's old enough that you can start introducing stronger consequences for not complying with bedtime rules. Taking away toys ("mail" them to kids who go to bed on time, for example), etc. She will be mad as shit at first, but she needs to understand that her chioces/actions = her consequences. Right now the formula works more like her choices/actions = YOUR consequences. You're suffering for it, and she is delighted with her power over the grown-ups.

Either way, to right course from where you've gotten, there will be some short-term pain, but hopefully a more cooperative kid in the long term once you reassert who's in charge. Make sure you and your H are both on-board and on the same page, or your little Machiavelli will just start playing you off each other to get what she wants.