debbie downer stuff

[OrangePixyStix]

Aside from cancer deserving the biggest middle finger, I'd also like to extend my other middle finger to suicide and the dark depression & anxiety that leads up to it. 

I also just want to plead with any/all of you to reach out to me or ANYONE in your life that you can talk to if you are near that lowest point and need reassurance, a confidence-boost, financial or emotional support, or just comforting hugs.   Even if I'm not "here" on the boards as much as in the past, I care about all of you and want you to be happy, healthy, and confident that you have purpose and value in this strange world, even if it's hard to see that for yourself sometimes. 

I lost a friend over this past weekend to suicide and it's giving me all kinds of emotions, mostly guilt that I should have done more and stopped by her house to make sure she knew there were people who cared about her.  What's weighing on me the most is that I looked up to her as one of the most inspirational, strong-willed, and confident women I have ever known in my life, but she just happen to be dealing with several bad cards that caused her to decide life was just too much to handle. 

She had financial hardships related to a life-threatening condition that required surgery back in December and she set up her own Go Fund Me account to get help for medical bills, pleading with everyone to share and/or donate as much as possible.  I did both, gave what I could at the time and shared to all my FB friends/family.    When she posted after her surgery that she needed help getting prescriptions, groceries, and running errands, the one time I messaged her to help she had ended up finding someone that day and I never ended up going by.  I should have continued to offer her help without her prompting for it, knowing she was in pain and not able to drive or walk very far.  She also had very little support from her family, as they have always had a stand-off relationship and I knew this. 

I guess one lesson out of this for me is that anytime someone publicly posts or sends messages for help, take them seriously (rather than assume it's an unnecessary cry for attention), as it probably is a very hard thing to do for many people and could be the last attempt that person makes to fix their problems in a better way than ending it with a bullet. 

Sorry to be a Debbie-Downer, it's just something I cannot shake right now and I wanted to let you all know that I promise to extend any ounce of energy I can spare if any one of you were to ask me for any kind of help or support.   Not really looking for much here other than to vent, get some thoughts out of my head, and pass on the message that I am more supportive than I may come across these days, and I would offer that support to my online friends just as much as any of my "real life" friends... as we are all stumbling through the world together and nobody should have to face all of their problems alone.   

[blondemoment123]

((Hugs))

[latte]

Sorry OPS. a million hugs for you

[lexxasaurus]

Please don't beat yourself up. Please.

Someone who gets to the point of suicide will likely get there/stay there with or without your help or offering to help.

I was at a low point last week. A very low point. A self-harming self-loathing low point I hadn't been to in a while. I essentially tried to detonate my relationship and end it, hurt myself, shut myself off from the world and wouldn't talk even if you kidnapped and tortured me. When you are that low, it isn't always as simple as someone reaching out. I don't want you to feel guilt when this was likely a situation where things built up, even tiny things, that no one could have stopped or prevented.

It's okay to be a Debbie Downer, this is a very heavy situation. I would be struggling too, I can't lie. But this isn't on you. You are a good person, and a great friend, and I know you would have reached out more if you realized just how low she was, and what a cry for help it ended up being. A million hugs and positive vibes your way, for you and everyone affected. I hope that with time, her family, her friends, all of you can heal. <3

[honeydew1894]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Suicide brings about such complicated emotions for the friends and family of the lost person. I hope you find peace and know that you were a good friend to her.

[OrangePixyStix]

Thank you, all, for the kind words and the biggest hugs are extended back out to you.
lexxasaurus, I am deeply sorry you have been dealing with this first-hand and commend you for opening up to discuss it. I truly hope you are healing and the torment no longer continues, and appreciate your advice on releasing the guilt and acknowledging that these things are often out of our control no matter the level of outside forces. I'm so thankful and happy that you have made it through your recent dark tunnel and hope there is nothing but light and love surrounding you right now. AND if there is not, please let me buy you a plane ticket down to Htown and we'll go to House of Pies and drown our sorrows in some strawberry rhubarb STAT!!

[sitnspin]

I am so sorry    

[sapphire bou]

I'm so sorry, OPS. Sending you the biggest of hugs!

[theatre4life]

**Big Hugs** OrangePixyStix & lexxasaurus.

[lexxasaurus]

OrangePixyStix I appreciate the loving words, and I do need to get back at some point for some OPS time and strawberry rhubarb House of Pie!

It was definitely a trying week or two, but I'm pulling myself out of it. The mister has been a great support, despite how difficult it's been to deal with me. My psychiatrist has been amazing in helping out with samples and alternatives to a drug that wasn't working. My mom has checked up on me, and kept in touch because she knew I wasn't feeling great. I have a really good surrounding of people that love me, and I couldn't be more thankful.

That being said, I was serious and I hope you ARE able to release that guilt because it is totally out of ones control. Sometimes even the person that commits suicide, it's not even a choice, at that point it just... is. It's the only option they feel. It's so hard to be there, and sometimes people come back (lord knows, I have) but not everyone does because that kind of depression is overwhelming and soul sucking. Your friend was suffering so bad, so at the very least, it's good that the internal struggle is gone and they are at peace. I am so sorry you're struggling and if you ever need to talk about it, I'm here. I know you have my FB, and PM's here, but feel free to reach out and ask for my cell if needed. <3 Much love and light to everyone affected by it.

milsaroo I agree with the continued efforts. There are so many medications, types of therapies, alternative options to try now. It wasn't like this 50 years ago. You would be put in a hospital, and put in practically a vegetative state with all the sedatives. There are SO many options, but it's still hard to find the right one. Mils, same thing to OPS. If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.

[MyName]

OrangePixyStix, I'm so sorry for you loss. I think it's natural to feel guilt about what one could have done differently, but just know that the outcome would likely have been the same regardless and don't beat yourself up. You are one of the most caring, supportive, positive people that I know, and I'd hate to think that you see yourself as anything less than that.



((lexxasaurus))

[lizardesque]

So very sorry for your loss!

[kelley182]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Please do not beat yourself up over this. Yesterday, I attended a funeral for my friend's 19 year old son who took his own life. During the service, the priest made sure to tell his friends several times that this was not their fault. There was nothing they could have done. This applies to you too. Mental illness is a horrible, horrible thing and not something that we can easily control.