Struggling

[3dogdays]

I'm struggling so bad with this situation. I know it's only been a few days but one minute I'm ok. The next I have this fierce instinct to call him, tell him to come home, sleep in my bed, that it will all work out. And then I feel weak for thinking and wanting that. Especially when he's made it clear it's not what he wants. I just want to change his mind. It's all I can think about. I talked to my therapist and she says to give it time, maybe he will change and maybe he won't. I'm just so confused. I keep trying to think why I want him to come home after what he did. Do I really love him? Do I really want to work this out or am I scared? I don't know. I can't see how I'm feeling. I'm numb to everything. I'm sorry for sounding like a broken record, I just don't know how to handle this. My whole life, until the last year or so, I've felt like I could make decisions. I had a gut instinct and I could follow it. Now, I feel empty and hollow. All I have is anxiety and pain and and loneliness. It didn't just start, it's been there for awhile. What does that mean?

[jigsy]

Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. The first few weeks of my separation, I felt like a crazy person. One day, I would weep for hours, then the next I'd have a "fuck you" attitude, only to feel desperate for his attention right after. I think that is totally normal.

What helped me is to write it down. I wrote everything I was feeling down. When I wanted him back, I wrote about why I was feeling that way. When I wanted to move on, I wrote about it. It helped me examine my feelings. Where were they coming from.

When I went back and read them after I had moved on, it was painful. It was like I was another person, and I wish I could go back and give myself a hug because it was clear how hurt I was. But so much of my pain was coming from fear. I feared I wouldn't be able to move on, I wouldn't find someone new, I wouldn't be able to be me without him. All those fears were unfounded, but I know at the time they were all that felt real. I was also able to see that I never talked about good reasons I wanted him in my life. But the days I felt like I needed to move on, those were words filled with hope. I wanted so much for myself, and I am glad that I was able to give myself the chance to act on that, instead of acting on the fear.

I don't think anyone will be able to say the magic words to make you feel better...I don't think they exist. But one way or the other, you will be ok. It takes time. Your trust has been shattered, you life has be turned upside down. But things will right themselves. You need to mourn the life you had. Even if you end up with your H again, things will be different and it is ok to feel sad about that.

[closertofine]

jigsy hit the nail on the head. One second sad, the next angry. Shit, even though I'm very solidly in the anger phase right now, I still get great washes of sadness over me.

I said in my earlier post that now is your opportunity to take control. However, if he is indicating that he is done, have you taken steps to protect yourself? Legal, financial...that actually helped me those first two weeks. Gave me something to do (albeit nothing very fun). Even if you end up reconciling, it would be a good idea to get all of those ducks in a row.

This is so hard. I think very few people actively think they are going to be cheated on or end up divorced. The phrase "going through" is used for a reason. It's not a cut and dry process or situation. It takes time and needs to be worked through. Baby steps. Be gentle on yourself and love on your child as best as you can right now.

[kore2]

Separation is such a weird, unnatural situation. It feels how I imagine it would feel to go through a physical detox from drugs. It was my choice to leave, and I still felt that way. We become so used to having this other person in our lives, that it feels like withdrawal to be away from them. It's probably some survival instinct, to keep families intact. I promise it gets better. Try very hard not to contact him, and be gentle with yourself.

[3dogdays]

Thank you ladies for answering. It really does help. I've been struggling with major depression and anxiety issues before all of this and it's brought it all back tenfold. I am working with my doctors and therapist on it but sometimes I can't get my mind off of it.

As for protecting myself, I handle all of our finances and know where everything is. He doesn't even have a sign on for our checking account online. At this point, he is being amicable and agreeding to what I am asking of him. I know it won't likely stay that way. We are meeting on Thursday to talk about how we are splitting finances, when he wants visitation and child support. I have calls into a few lawyers and am getting consultations. I've read online about tx laws etc regarding divorce, children, etc. so I think I'm prepared on that side. And if I'm honest, I've thought about for awhile what I would do. I feel like I was preparing myself for this even though I don't want it.
I just want to be past these feelings of wanting him and stop seeing only the good things- what little there are. I just can't handle the emotions right now.

[bg]

The emotions are definitely overwhelming, but they're temporary. Know that you're 'in the muck' now, but by processing the feelings and feeling your feelings it'll be better in the long run, even if it is so so painful. Keep doing what you're doing.

[1confused1]

It is a giant roller coaster and it is ok to feel all the feelings you are feeling. Hang in there and know, it will get better.

[abcdefu]

I'm sorry you are on the emotional roller coaster. I agree with jigsy, with writing down how you are feeling. It may not feel like it now, but as time passes you are getting stronger and stronger. Also something that really helped me was writing down the positives of leaving like not having to share a bed, not having to hear him snore, cereal for dinner when I didn't want to cook etc. eventually the list of the positives will outweigh the negatives! Stick around here! You will get through this ((hugs))

[berbles]

Everything jigsy said. She is very wise.

Also, when I first separated, I went on antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds for a few months. Just enough to get me through the craziness of that time. After about 3 months I felt like I was ready to handle things without the meds*. I felt absolutely no shame in knowing that I needed extra help temporarily.

*And I was DEFINITELY ready to have regular orgasms again!