Sibling being mean to younger sibling

[khibb]

I've never posted here before but I was hoping you all might be able to help me. My son will be four in 3 weeks and he is so mean to his sister. She is 14 months old and just learning to walk. He will take toys alway from her, yell at her, and walk over and hit her for virtually no reason. If she comes over to him I will catch him doing things like pressing into her hands or getting nose to nose with her and pushing her with his head. Just now she had climbed up on the couch next to him and I didn't see exactly what happened but she fell face first off the couch and into the coffee table. I'm pretty sure he pushed her. He absolutely panicked when she fell and became hysterical. I don't think he meant to hurt her but she has a huge bruise on her forehead. I lost my temper and sent him to his room and then put him to bed. He says really awful things like he hates her and he doesn't want her here anymore. I'm sitting here in tears because I hate that he seems to be so angry with her and that he can be so mean. Is this normal? Should I be concerned? This is literally something we deal with all day, every day and it starts as soon as they are together in the morning.

[nachos]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Anecdote:

I sort of was your DS. I was 3.5 when my sister was born, and I couldn't stand her. I didn't want her around, and wished she would disappear.

Most of that came from how my parents handled it.

**** I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong - this was my experience. ****

Everything was about her. All the time. If I wanted to have a playdate, I wasn't allowed unless she was there. I couldn't have friends of my own - they were 'our' friends. I felt passed over, and when I was nine, my mom got sick. I ended up running the house, including taking care of my sister. I had no childhood, and she had no expectations put on her because she was 'the baby.'

As a teenager, I wasn't allowed to disagree with her, because she might be suicidal (she never was).

We don't have a relationship now.

It taught me a lot about how I wanted to do things with my own kids. There is a similar gap between my DS1 and DD. From the beginning, I made DS1 my helper. I made sure that I carved out one on one time with him, and played up his big kid skills. Telling him often about how she was just learning to do the things he could already do seemed to help. I also made sure that there were some of his toys that he didn't have to share. We did a lot of taking turns and working together (like baking and crafts) in the early days.

Basically, I made sure that he was getting some quality time with me too, so he didn't feel left out.

As teenagers now, they have a great relationship and never did have the epic battles I worried so much about.

Good luck. The key for me was patience, and knowing how NOT to do it.

[cajunmom]

Does he get to do anything without her around? Does he get to spend a reasonable amount of time with just you (and/or his dad)? What about school...will he be starting any type of preschool soon?

[soozy87]

My kids are a little younger than yours but right now our older one is sometimes mean to his infant brother. We have found that the older one is mean to the younger one when he is not getting enough attention. We have had to put the older one in his room for a time out if he does this. Most of the time he just laughs because he loves getting a rise out of us. We just really watch him and don't leave him alone with his brother and make sure they are both getting attention. It's hard. I hope that your situation improves.

[Marmee]

Well, no That degree is definitely not normal but I do have experience (as the younger girl) with an older brother (6yrs) who hated me and treated me the same way at that age. My first memories are of his physical violence toward me. He abused me in most senses of the word for 15yrs. It escalated and continued until adulthood (I'd come home from college & he'd still relentlessly pick on/tease me) when I told my parents I would no longer come home or to anything he was attending. It was him or me, the end. They basically had an intervention with him and it changed...but I was like 25 by this time. I'm still dealing with the effects. I could go on and on but please stop this now. It is very harmful psychologically (& physically) if it continues and my brother is in his late-40s and has a lot of guilt about it. I would suggest not punishing him harshly (at least not in front of your DD)...that made me stop "telling" on him. Spending alone time with each kid. Never leaving him with her alone ever--(Yes I'm serious). Either he or she goes with a parent at all times. I know this is very tough but I cannot stress this enough. At least until he can be trusted. 99% of my abuse was done outside the view of my parents. Have him help "raise" her...include him in taking care, teaching her stuff, showing kindness/patience & ownership of her. (This is what I did with my girls. It's their baby not my baby for example). If none of this works, I highly suggest counseling/therapist once he gets older (6 maybe?). I know my brothers anger was always rooted in jealousy (much of it irrational jealousy) that no one helped him sort out.

[bunch]

My kids are similar to this. They're 4.5 and 2.5 now. They just don't get along. The older one torments the youngest one. Follows her around telling her that she doing stuff wrong, taking her things, generally picking. The youngest has become an amazing biter. They do best if they get time apart. I'm sorry. I've just kind of come to terms with the fact that they probably won't bffs. I do my best not to choose sides and to let them work out things on their own. It's definitely hard to watch, especially when the younger was more defenseless.

[speckledfrog]

I disagree with the statement that it's not normal. It sounds like fairly standard sibling rivalry to me.

I would work hard on making sure that you are praising him for his nice/helpful interactions with her. Be sure to also give him validation on his feelings ("I know it's frustrating when X happens") and give him tools about how to deal with her ("Use your words to help solve this problem. Tell her Y and then ask for help if that doesn't work").

It can be really tiring going over the same thing again and again but I have found that if I stay calm and model how he should handle things it is better for everyone. Which isn't to say that it's not infuriating, it is! But I was coming down on DS1 all the time and it just made things worse. I agree that time apart helps and time alone with just you is important. Just be mindful as your LO gets older that you aren't letting her get away with everything just because she's younger. Spoken as an oldest child.

[Marmee]

On the other hand don't expect them to work it out among themselves either. They are not developmentally equals and the oldest will always have the advantage. They will be manipulated & weaker physically and don't have the same intellectual maturity. It's fine to have them work it out but it should be monitored. I'm a middle child

[lolo]

It sounds like your older one is having a hard time. Please validate those feelings and work to guide his feelings in acceptable outlets.

[khibb]

Thank you for your thoughts! He woke up this morning and apologized immediately for pushing his sister. We talked about how he needs to be safe with her and that she is little. He does go to preschool 4-5 days a week and he has no problems there- he has never been aggressive with another child so I know he can control it. It just breaks my heart because his sister adores him and thinks he is amazing. I do need to spend more 1 on 1 time with each of them- I am finishing my masters program and work part time so things are tough right now. I was relieved to see that he was remorseful today and that he seemed to understand he was wrong. He seemed to be making an effort to be nice to her this morning and I made a big deal about how happy that made me and how much his sister loves him. I'm also VERY relieved to hear that this is somewhat typical. They are never in the room alone together so I always see what happens. He's such a sweet boy and it tears me apart to see such anger when his sister is around. I need to start having "dates" with him again.

[cayl]

People ask me all the time if my 4 year old twins are close. I say they're best friends, and worst enemies. They're inseparable, but they do a lot of your son does. There is always pushing, hitting, biting, etc., although they only do it at home and not at preschool (thankfully!). I make sure to praise a TON whenever they do something nice like share a toy, get something that the other one dropped or needed, or if they try to console the other one. Can yo.u try to give him some responsibility with his sister? Such as can he help feed her dinner or something like that? I would try a reward chart that revolves around his behavior with her, with the final reward being a one on one day out with you or your H or both.

I'm sure some of it is jealousy and some of it is normal sibling rivalry. My kids can be very rough with each other, but they're the same age and the same size, so they can take it. I would probably be horrified if they were doing this to a kid 3 years younger than they are because it would seem so - unfair? Disproportionate? I'm not sure how to get out what I'm trying to say