Dating - men that are single & never married

[Deleted]

At what age, if any, would it give you pause that he's single and never been married?

I've been back into dating a few months now (dating apps) and I can't help but now feel overly cautious about these men (over 40).

Thoughts?

[Deleted]

I hope those you are dating are single.... haha

I wouldn't think much of it. I'd look at it the same as a guy that was married twice and divorced. neither the unmarried or the never married found the right situation. Meh. I feel like people concentrate too much on how it looks. Too many kids. No kids. Never married. Married too many times.

To me, it isn't a red flag. I think that's what you're really asking?

[Deleted]

I'd think nothing of it. I honestly think way too many people jump into marriages too quickly (myself included).

[1confused1]

I also wouldn't think much of it. My very best friend is almost 40 and she has never been married. She is one of the most wonderful people in the world, but just hasn't found the right guy.

[cuddlyevil]

I don't think anything of it.

[alleinesein]

I'm leary of men over 40 who are single, have never been married and have never had a long term serious relationship. It just sends up red flags for me; it tells me that they are either married to their job and have no free time for a meaningful relationship, they think they are still in college and only want to party and not take on adult responsibilities or they have unrealistic expectations and no one is good enough for them.

[bl]

I wouldn't put much thought into it as long as they've had some serious relationships and seem to be in a place in life now to want the same things as I did. I agree with @pdx18 that a lot of people get married too easily (myself as well) and would have been better off to be older and never married.

[pandora]

I had always been more cautious if they have never been in a serious relationship into their 40's. That's a red flag to me. Never been married, not so much as many live together instead and then it doesn't work out just as a marriage may not.

[Deleted]

I find this whole infuriating! Had I not made the poor decision to marry my ex I very likely would have been single my whole life. I don't think it makes me a bad or undateble person. It's hard to find "the one" it doesn't happen for everyone so easily. Meeting the love of your life has no more bearing to me than winning the lottery.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Doesn't bother me in the least ... I wouldn't think twice about it nor would it raise any red flags

[katieido]

To a certain extent I think you need to consider giving a person the benefit of the doubt on this one, at least until you can determine that he has an actual personality flaw. No matter what kind of past a person has, someone can find a way to frame it as a red flag. I know i give myself enough unnecessary worrying about whether I'm being judged for being divorced with a young kid.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Just like any other time, blanket statements aren't usually accurate. There are so many reason someone may never have married. While it may be an indicator of a personality flaw, it's not the only indicator. 
Sure, he may be a perpetual frat boy, but maybe he was actually working to support his disabled elderly parents. Maybe he has unrealistic expectations, or maybe he's had bad luck. 
Just like any other guy you may date, until he shows you otherwise, he deserves to be evaluated on his own merits. Just go into it with your eyes open, and don't move too quickly. I mean, I'm on marriage #3. Definitely doesn't mean I'm better at relationships. 

[Deleted]

Great advice, thanks all.

This certainly isn't a deal-breaker to me, it's just something I think differently about now--initially I thought "awesome, no baggage!!" but now I'm more cautious (not red flag exactly). I think it's been much more telling to follow up with "have you ever been engaged" (guy #1 4 times! Plus he jumped in full force, way before he even knew me) and "have you ever lived with a girlfriend".

So now I'm just starting to see a 3rd guy that's never been married and it just got me thinking. So far so good.

[TR]

Well, my BF is 43 and has never been married so clearly I don't care, lol. He did live with someone for awhile, but that was 8ish years ago. He's an introvert and has a lot of friends and I could see him happily living as a bachelor. He just wasn't going to settle, marriage wasn't something that he felt was, like, a goal in his life so he's not gonna do that unless it's with the right person. It seems like I might be the right person, but I guess we'll see

[brooke77]

It depends on the person. I'd like to see someone in their 40s with some serious (1-2 years) relationships.

[daisyn]

I try to stay open minded. I don't know a lot of guys over 40 that have never been married. The only one really is my brother and I would never want to date him (if he wasn't my brother I mean), but his girlfriend is crazy about him. So really I think there is someone for everyone. Every guy I've ever dated single, divorced or widowed over 40 or under had some kind of issue that made me not want to date them any more so...I don't think you can generalize. I think doing so could make you miss out. Some day my prince will come. Haha

[pandora]

Feb 26, 2016 22:45:48 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I find this whole infuriating! Had I not made the poor decision to marry my ex I very likely would have been single my whole life. I don't think it makes me a bad or undateble person. It's hard to find "the one" it doesn't happen for everyone so easily. Meeting the love of your life has no more bearing to me than winning the lottery.

Aren't you in your 20's or early 30's? You're a far way of from being single in your 40's! I don't believe that it should be a blanket statement but already you've had a serious relationship and odds are that you will in the next 10+ years. Serious to me is not length of time, it's dating someone you care about, and I'd put money on it you will find that again. It's those who are avoiding it, above and beyond being selective (which I see as a good thing), for their own reasons...such as not wanting to grow up from partying days, serial ST daters, abusive tendencies, no woman will be good enough to date, financial train wrecks (multiple bankruptcies), etc... I know many men who fall in these areas and I wouldn't date them but I'll be friends with them if they are over all decent people. They're just not relationship/marriage material for me. You have to get to know someone before figuring out these things that may not be for you or if you can deal with them.

I have female friends who don't want to grow out of the party stage either so they're better suited for another like that. My friend who I have mentioned in here who is crazy cheap - i see other females being turned off by his behaviour. Some have said something to him but he doesn't care. He is in his mid 40's and unless he finds someone who is OK with his choices, he'll possibly remain single. I mean, you're on a date and you get a drink, he doesn't but drinks half your drink every time - this is not working for him but he sees nothing wrong with it because it's more money he doesn't have to spend.

To each their own.

[Deleted]

pandora I am in my mid-30s but I could see being single into my 40s. My point is I don't think not being married or having a long relationship means someone isn't date able. Sure in many cases it could be something to do with them, in other instances it just means that haven't met the right person yet. Also your comments about your cheap friend crack me up every time. He would drive me nuts!

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2016 21:27:19 GMT -5 pandora said:

I had always been more cautious if they have never been in a serious relationship into their 40's. That's a red flag to me. Never been married, not so much as many live together instead and then it doesn't work out just as a marriage may not.

Basically this.  Never having a serious relationship (and I'll say 30's).  I know plenty of women and men that haven't been married by their 40's and they are totally normal people.  

[pandora]

Feb 27, 2016 14:28:21 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

pandora I am in my mid-30s but I could see being single into my 40s. My point is I don't think not being married or having a long relationship means someone isn't date able. Sure in many cases it could be something to do with them, in other instances it just means that haven't met the right person yet. Also your comments about your cheap friend crack me up every time. He would drive me nuts!

And, I don't think it's a hard rule...we'll see in 10 years, 'cause I am guessing you won't be - hello, sexy doc! ;p

Yeah, he's his own little case, lol. I was in his area and saw him a few weeks ago very briefly. I had some chocolate leftover from Valentine's day. Let's just say that he learned pretty quickly not to eat all the hormonal, pregnant lady's chocolate, lol. I almost felt bad but, nope.

[dragon's breath]

Never married? Not a problem. Never dated? Hmmm... I haven't dated for a long time, but I have dated. Still lives with parents? Nope. We are in two completely different worlds/places in life.  (ETA, I married and got divorced young as well.)

[jellymankelly]

I blew off a guy on Match several years ago because he was 40 and had never been married. It just screamed "man-child" to me. A year and a half later, I saw him in a bar, realized who it was, and after seeing him there having fun with his friends, realized he looked like a lot of fun. I couldn't stop thinking about him after I went home, so I joined OKC with the hope he was still out there looking. He was, I contacted him, and now (2.5 years after that), we are getting married in June. He had been in 1 really serious relationship since college, and they lived together, but he just hadn't found anyone he really clicked with on a long term basis. He's really great, and I kind of hate that I didn't give him a chance the first time due to my weird "rules" about who was worthy of my time.

[glitzyglow]

It doesn't bother me if he's never been married.

[glynn]

I tire to give people a chance. Sometimes to many....

[Deleted]

I absolutely don't judge this and am not sure why one would be overly cautious.

I don't see someone who has been married to be nicer, more respectful, smarter, etc, than someone who hasn't been. I judge a person by their characteristics, not their previous marital status.

I think finding a significant other is pretty much a crap shoot, but I think online dating makes it even more difficult because many people dismiss someone that they might not if they met them organically in the street because they didn't click all the right check boxes.

[TR]

Feb 29, 2016 16:21:39 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

I have a slightly different angle on this issue. I am 36 and have kids. I am 95% certain that I do not want any more kids. My assumption is that if a guy is in his early 40s and has never been married he is probably looking to settled down, start a family and have kids. I don't think I would be the right fit for that so I don't even try. Surely, there could be someone open to a divorcee with children with no expectation of his own but I don't know if I have time to find that out.

Also, as somebody who has kids, I appreciate a man who understands the scheduling constraints that come with having children (you know, I can't go on a random date Tuesday after work on a short notice).

With this in mind, I tend to steer away from single childless never married men in their early-mid 40s. It's just a lifestyle issue for me, not as much something being wrong with them.

What's funny is that I think this would have been the perfect situation for my BF. He loves kids, but feels too old to start from scratch now (he's 43) and has said he'd be ok if he could just get, like, a 6 year old. Lol.

[TR]

Mar 1, 2016 10:57:25 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Feb 29, 2016 18:26:42 GMT -5 TR said:

Interesting... Maybe I'll reconsider my stance. I feel like 43 year olds can still marry 33+ year olds (at least, around here) so it seems like they still have a great shot of having their family from scratch.

I'll be 33 in July, but it's his age, not mine that makes him not want to start a family at this point.

[Deleted]

chocolatepickle I wouldn't assume either way. Everyone is different you know? Most men assume that I'm dying to settle down and my clock is ticking. I have no interest in having kids at all. I try to make this clear in my profile, but it also never hurts to ask!

[Wanderista]

When it comes to things like this, it'd probably make me cautious but if I were really interested in getting to know someone then I would still give him a chance.

Edited to add: Being married wouldn't concern me, but like others, his relationship history would matter. Was he just very focused on his job? Sure, that's my boyfriend. He didn't date a lot while focused on his early career. But I would want someone to be able to be honest and open about his past, someone who is able to communicate and who is mature. I would be concerned about that among some men in that demographic, but I wouldn't rule an interesting guy out without getting to know him based on just being in that demographic.