Wanna critique my opening 2 paragraphs?

[mousemelon]

This is for my rewrite for my NaNo novel. Be kind. haha


She didn’t intend on falling in love with a prince. In fact, love of any kind was the furthest thing from of her mind as Emmalin she arrived in London. Walking into the terminal, she began to feel overwhelmed by her decision to leave everything she knew behind and join the Royal Ballet Company. The call from the director had come just 3 short weeks ago and the job offer came soon after that. She had been settled down in Boston, dancing for the cities premier ballet company, but London was too good of an opportunity to turn down.

As she walked through the crowded airport with her small carry on suitcase wheeling happily on behind her, the nerves rose from the pit of her stomach and she found herself shaking. Ever since she knew what it was, Emmalin had wanted to dance in London for The Royal Ballet and now was her chance. She rode the escalator down towards baggage claim to find a man in a dark gray suit and hat tucked under his left arm holding a sign baring her name.

“Hello, I’m Emmalin.” She said as she approached the kindly looking gentleman.

“Ah, good, I was beginning to worry! The company sent me to pick you up and take you to your flat to get settled in.”


I am terrible with adding description in and know there's room for improvement here. This is all I have written so far. 

[lilibet]

I like it! I'd keep reading.

I think you could take the part about the call from the director and move it a bit further in. Keep the first couple paragraphs describing the current situation of her moving through the airport here at the beginning then bring in your backstory more.

[mousemelon]

Mar 1, 2016 21:47:00 GMT -5 lilibet said:

I like it! I'd keep reading.

I think you could take the part about the call from the director and move it a bit further in. Keep the first couple paragraphs describing the current situation of her moving through the airport here at the beginning then bring in your backstory more.

Thats a good idea. I'm an over sharer when it comes to writing and sometimes focus too much on word count and not quality. I'll move that bit down a little further! Maybe during her car ride to her apartment for the first time. Thanks! 

[lilibet]

Mar 1, 2016 23:19:17 GMT -5 mousemelon said:

Mar 1, 2016 21:47:00 GMT -5 lilibet said:

I like it! I'd keep reading.

I think you could take the part about the call from the director and move it a bit further in. Keep the first couple paragraphs describing the current situation of her moving through the airport here at the beginning then bring in your backstory more.

Thats a good idea. I'm an over sharer when it comes to writing and sometimes focus too much on word count and not quality. I'll move that bit down a little further! Maybe during her car ride to her apartment for the first time. Thanks! 

I think that'd work really well.

[anastasia517]

Mar 1, 2016 23:19:17 GMT -5 mousemelon said:

Mar 1, 2016 21:47:00 GMT -5 lilibet said:

I like it! I'd keep reading.

I think you could take the part about the call from the director and move it a bit further in. Keep the first couple paragraphs describing the current situation of her moving through the airport here at the beginning then bring in your backstory more.

Thats a good idea. I'm an over sharer when it comes to writing and sometimes focus too much on word count and not quality. I'll move that bit down a little further! Maybe during her car ride to her apartment for the first time. Thanks! The 

Like lilibet, I think that sounds like a good idea.  It will let the reader ponder things a bit longer and not have too much shoved at them at once.  It is definitely something I struggle with too, but I think it's common to struggle with balancing making sure people know what's going on without rushing through.

One thing I would suggest is spending a bit more time on description to immerse the reader into the world.  Sights, sounds, smells, and actions of the MC could all help tell what kind of story it is going to be.  That is something that is really easy to add to the bare bones you have though.

The premise seems interesting.  A new job, moving to a new continent, and falling in love with a prince all have great potential.  (And, coincidentally, 2/3 are things that I have in the story I will be re-writing for Camp!)

[fatamy]

I think anastasia517 gave great advice there! I also agree that I'd keep reading!
Definitely a bit more description so I can picture her, the airport, anything that makes it *seem* like she's in London.