Deployment/kids question

[G22]

Poof thanks ladies!

[meltoine]

Skype, talk about Daddy, record videos of him reading some books before he leaves and watch one everyday. Kids hold onto it better than you'd think. Mine have never had a problem adjusting to H returning home.

[G22]

That's good to hear Mel. Thanks for the ideas!

[calmcosmo]

It is surprising how much kids remember. H did a deployment back in 2011 and left when my kids were 6m and 22m. When he returned 7 months later it was like no time had passed for my older one (she ran to him as fast as she could despite hiding in the corner of the hangar just before because the planes still had their engines turning and she was afraid). My younger one didn't necessarily act happy or excited, but he wasn't apprehensive or scared either.

My husband is gone right now too (kids are 5 and 6 now) and we do a number of things...

1. Get a daddy doll. Both of my kids love theirs and when they were babies it helped with facial recognition and just overall exposure.
2. Have him record himself reading books and put it on the TV at night. That will let your son see his face and hear his voice.
3. If you have access to Skype - definitely keep doing that as regularly as possible.

We don't have Skype on our deployments (aircraft carrier) so we make due with pre-recorded books and videos, pictures, and now we just celebrate milestones and my kids write their own notes to their daddy. My daughter has even started a diary so that my H can read all about her time while he's been away when he gets home.

The good news: Even if your son doesn't light up at homecoming, it will take very little time for them to be BFFs again. Honestly, the most important thing is that your H doesn't get upset or take it personally if things don't go right back to normal. Kids are totally resilient, and luckily your son will have zero recollection of this deployment, but sometimes the parents can get frustrated and that anxiety/frustration can slow the process of reintegration.

A few years ago I wrote an e-book for Blue Star Families. It's divided by the stages of deployment and age groups and has TONS of resources - even for babies . Check it out if you want! www.everyoneservesbook.com/

This is our fourth long deployment. The first two were pre-kids. The last one was super PHYSICAL. I remember being up all night, changing diapers, breast feeding, and just being physically exhausted. Now that my kids are older it is EMOTIONAL. They can dress themselves, brush their own teeth, go to school every day, but darn it if they can drain me emotionally with how much they miss their dad. Every age and stage presents new challenges. Your son will do great and you really just need to keep your chin up and take care of yourself as best possible .

[G22]

Thank you, I will check out that link when I get a chance! I am glad DS is so young and wont necessarily realize H is gone, but I'm a bit nervous about solo parenting at this age. On the rough days I love when H comes home and gives me a small break from being mom, even if it means just getting away for a shower. Today has been a particularly rough day with a teething infant and me being sick. I dread when this happens whiles he's gone.

I'm glad to hear your kids did ok at this age with it. I'm not too worried about it, but I would like to do everything I can to help DS continue to remember H while he's away.

[NomadicMama]

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.

My DH was deployed when my DS was born. He redeployed when DS was 9 months old. I played recordings of DH reading to DS. DS warmed up to DH quickly when we were reunited.

DH deployed just before DS turned three. The book Over There by Dorinda Silver Williams was very helpful. www.goodreads.com/book/show/8901185-over-there

[meltoine]

Also - you will develop routines and a way of doing things by yourself when he's gone, and letting him be part of the routine again when he comes back will be hard. You'll know that you can do it right/faster/better, but resist the urge to jump in and do it for him. It will undermine his confidence as a dad and lead to resentment between you. I made that mistake with too many extended TDYs.

[calmcosmo]

In my experience, something totally shifts when my husband leaves and I am less frustrated about being solo at night.

When he's home I totally stare at the clock. Even with older kids I still get annoyed on long days about him not being home in time for dinner or whatever. I remember when mine were little totally counting down the hours to when I could hand him a baby and the toddler and run the hell out of the house (to go to the grocery store... or something... or just drive around to decompress).

But when he goes something about my expectations change and I don't count hours. I know what I have to do and I just do it. I'm not saying you won't have days where you seriously want to chug a bottle of wine once the baby is down. But most of the time you'll get through your routine and won't have given it a second thought that your H is away. It becomes routine. Then one day you'll be like me, many years out from a deployment with baby(ies), and you'll have amnesia about the hard days.

It'll be ok!! If you can find yourself a good support system with other spouses all the better. One of my close friends really carried me through that deployment - she had me over for dinner at least twice a week. Both to take the burden of cooking away, hold the baby for me, and to give me some adult conversation. I love her for that and will never forget it. Life with babies can be lonely and super lonely during deployment. It's an unusual situation that most of your family and civilian friends won't be able to comprehend. This is why I love my navy wife friends because they get it. And they don't pity me. They just give me wine, tell me it's going to be ok, and hang out with me .

[G22]

Those are good points calmcosmo. I do feel we'll have been here long enough for me to get a good support system in place by the time he leaves. I've already gotten involved in the key spouse program and made some friends at our church. So I'm thankful for those connections.

[brandienee]

I am late to the game, but sending you lots of positive thoughts @g22. DH is deploying soon too, I am not ready to think about that so much. Yikes.

[G22]

Thanks brandienee! Sending you good thoughts too! So much to do before H leaves, ugh!

[amaristella]

Mar 1, 2016 8:56:55 GMT -5 meltoine said:

Skype, talk about Daddy, record videos of him reading some books before he leaves and watch one everyday. Kids hold onto it better than you'd think. Mine have never had a problem adjusting to H returning home.

I missed the OP because from the looks of it it was posted the day DH came home.

We did all of the above. Definitely a different age range than what some of you are looking at. A was 1.25 years old when he left and 2.25 years old when he came back. DH actually came home after A was asleep for the night. In the morning when he woke up I brought him into the doorway of the bedroom where DH was sleeping. All he could see was daddy's face but he noticed him immediately and said daddy and ran over. Now for the past two weeks he has been glued to daddy. I mean if DH is standing next to me and we're unbuckling him from the car seat he gets mad because he only wants daddy to touch him. Thankfully the past couple of days things are starting to level out (just now while on the phone with grandma he let me hold him) but I never would have predicted this level of immediate re-attachment. It was intense and I am very glad that DH is on leave for a few more days.

Day to day has been mostly fine. I warned DH ahead of time about all the different ways that A was going to "test limits" and now at the two week point things are running about as smoothly as they can be.

[G22]

Thanks for the response amaristella! I deleted the original post only so I didn't have info floating around here about when H will be leaving.