When my MIL got remarried (before my H and I were together) H and SIL were not included my MIL's H's kids were. My H found out after the fact. I think this is part of the reason he and his mom hardly talk.
you know, that really sucks for your kids. so here's my "ex got remarried" story - we were on a week on/week off custody situation with our kid. one friday afternoon when i picked her up from school, she looked at me and said "you'll never guess what my dad said when he picked me up last week. i got in the car and he turned to me and said "oh hey, guess what we did today? we got married!" and i didn't get to see the ceremony or be there or anything. i'm really sad that he didn't think about me when he made such a big change in his life." she was bummed about it for a long time, although she's obviously over it by now and we just joke about it between the two of us.
huh. i guess i didn't really have a point to my story other than that i hope your kids have a better experience with this.
I want to slap him across his fresh mouth. Fuck you, "they hear what they want." A wedding is creating a FAMILY. Unless you elope, your goddamned minor children should be front and center.
Post by theoriginalbean on Mar 3, 2016 14:07:28 GMT -5
Also coming out of lurking (and occasional posting) to say that I was not invited to my dad's wedding (his third, I was at #2 which ended badly, but that's another story). I was an adult, as were my siblings, but his new wife's adult and minor children were there and my feelings were hurt that they were invited and we were not.
I like the email that you're going to send, and I agree that it's important that he be told how excited they are about the wedding. Benefit of the doubt, maybe he thinks it's really NBD to them, and that they won't care. I think cluing him in is the right thing to do.
ETA: I also agree with the suggestions that HE needs to be the one that talks to them about it if they aren't invited, not you. Managing their disappointment shouldn't fall on you.
Man, I feel sad They're not just getting married, they're making a decision that forms a new family, which includes your kids. They should be a part of that.
Also coming out of lurking (and occasional posting) to say that I was not invited to my dad's wedding (his third, I was at #2 which ended badly, but that's another story). I was an adult, as were my siblings, but his new wife's adult and minor children were there and my feelings were hurt that they were invited and we were not.
This happened to H. Her adult children and grandchildren were there. H and SIL along with their kids were excluded. H was the last person they called. All of their siblings were called first. He's still bitter
I want to slap him across his fresh mouth. Fuck you, "they hear what they want." A wedding is creating a FAMILY. Unless you elope, your goddamned minor children should be front and center.
Right? They heard that because it's what actually makes sense. Please don't think it's cute to have less sense than your young children.
Post by fivechickens on Mar 3, 2016 14:24:09 GMT -5
My dad did this to my brother and I (we were 24 & 22) and I remember feeling hurt when I saw the wedding picture. We knew they were engaged and had just seen them a month before they got married and nothing was ever said.
This is one of many reasons why I have resentment towards my dad. He is not a great dad.
Your XH needs to talk to them. Why can't they be there? (This might have been mentioned).
We've been on the other end. When H and I got married, we wanted SD in our wedding. We sent her her own invitation and even invited his ex and her H. H had sent a long email to his ex telling her this ahead of time. Said that we'd love to have them there but would understand if they didn't want to come. We even offered to pay for their hotel. His ex had the invitations returned to sender. We never said anything to SD about it until recently when she asked why she wasn't invited to our wedding.
Post by stategirl08 on Mar 3, 2016 14:32:39 GMT -5
My dad is getting remarried this weekend and sent an "FYI" text to me and my sisters. Not even an invitation, just a so you know. We are all grown, but still, way to show you don't care
Also coming out of lurking (and occasional posting) to say that I was not invited to my dad's wedding (his third, I was at #2 which ended badly, but that's another story). I was an adult, as were my siblings, but his new wife's adult and minor children were there and my feelings were hurt that they were invited and we were not.
This happened to H. Her adult children and grandchildren were there. H and SIL along with their kids were excluded. H was the last person they called. All of their siblings were called first. He's still bitter
I found out they were engaged on thanksgiving, via facebook. I was shocked and hurt, even in my late 20s. We had worked so hard over the previous 8 years to rebuild our relationship that wife #2 ruined, and I thought we were in a really good place. It stung. TBH, I never even thought about the fact that her grandchildren were there and my son was not, because I was so wrapped up in ME being excluded.
I'm sorry for your H, it's such a slap in the face.
We've been on the other end. When H and I got married, we wanted SD in our wedding. We sent her her own invitation and even invited his ex and her H. H had sent a long email to his ex telling her this ahead of time. Said that we'd love to have them there but would understand if they didn't want to come. We even offered to pay for their hotel. His ex had the invitations returned to sender. We never said anything to SD about it until recently when she asked why she wasn't invited to our wedding.
That totally breaks my heart to think about your SD thinking that she wasn't invited
When I got remarried, not having my daughter there never occurred to me. She was one of the only 3 people who mattered that day. My ex is getting married next September and the first thing we talked about was our daughter because it's technically my weekend (we alternate weeks) but of course I'm going to let her be a part of her dad's wedding. Hell, we got married on his weekend and there were zero issues. <--- I know you're totally ok with them being there... I am just saying that neither of us would get married without her there.
I think he's being ridiculous and seriously needs to reconsider.
I'm a lurker here, but this reminded me of when my SS's mother remarried. She didn't invite them to the wedding either. My (at the time) 11yo SS sat his mom down and said that he wanted to be there and it was important for them to be there, so she changed her mind and let them come.
OP--I hope your ex changes his mind for the kids sake.
We've been on the other end. When H and I got married, we wanted SD in our wedding. We sent her her own invitation and even invited his ex and her H. H had sent a long email to his ex telling her this ahead of time. Said that we'd love to have them there but would understand if they didn't want to come. We even offered to pay for their hotel. His ex had the invitations returned to sender. We never said anything to SD about it until recently when she asked why she wasn't invited to our wedding.
That totally breaks my heart to think about your SD thinking that she wasn't invited
Yeah, I think it's the one regret he has about our wedding-- that his daughter wasn't part of it. But we promised ourselves that we wouldn't say anything until she asked and was old enough to know. It wasn't easy.
Something similar happened to DH. His parents divorced when he was in middle school and his dad moved in with his girlfriend. They got married a year or so later, but didn't tell DH for another two years. His dad said something like "it never came up."
Forgive my language but that's fucking cold hearted. Especially the way he's being so nonchalant about it with, "they hear what they want to hear." WTF is that all about? A marriage ceremony should involve the children. He needs to be the one to tell them how he feels with them being there or not.
Something similar happened to DH. His parents divorced when he was in middle school and his dad moved in with his girlfriend. They got married a year or so later, but didn't tell DH for another two years. His dad said something like "it never came up."
That happened to my husband. His dad had a girlfriend and they decided to get married while on a trip to Mongolia. They came back and didn't even tell my husband and BIL about it and then it just came out when they were seen with their rings. It was one of those, "Oh yeah, we got married on our trip..."
I haven't read the replies but my dad had a ceremony with my step mom when I was 21 and didn't invite me or even tell me. It really, really hurt me. In my mind this person was going to be part of my life going forward and I should at least BE TOLD that the blessed day was happening. That being said it is not really your responsibility to tell your kids this, it is your exh. I think it is very selfish on his part to not include them. This woman is being brought into their family unit. The kids need to know and be part of the process. If I was in your shoes I would make a short statement to ExH along the lines of "Please be aware that the kids are going to be hurt that they are not being included. Your actions will set the tone for their relationship with their new step mom on a going forward basis. You do not want them to harbor any ill will because of this. I will not tell them anything as this is your issue to address with them, but in the interest of maintaining an open co parenting relationship I wanted to express my thoughts on this."
I hope he does something with them to mark the occasion and includes them. This woman is part of their lives as well as ExH. This just pisses me off so much on their behalf. I've been there, it fucking stings irregardless if you are 21 years old or 6 years old.
EDIT: I just got thru the replies and realize my response is off somewhat as the kids know the date but telling this is not your job. This is such a dick move on his part.
My Dad got remarried when I was 21 (I realize this is a totally different situation) and only told me the day before because I happened to ask him what he was doing that weekend. All of us were out of the house, though, and I just wanted him to be happy. I was not at all hurt to not be there.
If I was your kids, though, and this woman would likely be in my life as a care-giver / step-mother, I'd be upset. I think it's on your ExH to have this discussion with them, though. Since you have a good relationship with him, do you think you can encourage him to sit them down and discuss it with them?
At Christmas several years ago, H and I were at my Grandmother's house with my family, my uncles/aunts, and all of my cousins. My uncle, who had divorced his children's mother several years before and was dating a new woman for about a year or so, decided to announce that he had married his new wife just a few weeks before in a private ceremony.
My cousins had no idea that he had gotten married.