Kids not invited to xh's wedding

[amberlyrose]

I think this is a convo their dad needs to have with them, not you.

Tough situation though

[sparkythelawyer]

I think it would be ok to tell XH "You know, it is a big deal to them to see you get married. Is there a particular reason why they are not permitted to watch their father get married?" and then let the chips fall where they may after that.

[speckledfrog]

That's so weird.

[Deleted]

I think you need to tell him they think they're IN the wedding and he needs to talk to them again before the wedding date.

It is possible they heard "getting married" and assumed it was a big deal party with lots of people and not just a courthouse. But he still needs to hear them and explain himself what the plan is.

[cuddlyevil]

ITA with the others, my kids would be next level pissed to miss my wedding (or their Dad's wedding). If there was a solid reason for them not going, the person responsible for delivering the news would be the person getting married (XH or myself).

This is really something he should tell them. Just tell XH what sparkythelawyer suggested and let it go.

[ECB]

I agree that their dad needs to talk to them.

As far as you and that night - no, I don't think I'd do anything special. yes, be there for them. but if their dad doesn't consider this important enough to include them, I don't think YOU should make it a special night.

ETA: i'm not saying don't do something fun - but the point would be to take their mind off of it. It shouldn't be about "Oh- tonight is a special night! you're dad is getting married. WE should do something fun!!".  KWIM?

[circa1978]

Ahhh, this is tough. As the child of divorced parents, I would have been so hurt to not be present at a parent's remarriage. It's not like the kids are grown. I'd have a hard time not calling him one more time to try and have him consider that.

But I agree, he's the one who should tell them.

[Kit]

Yeah, this should be on him, not you. Sorry - tough situation for all.

[rosiebear]

That's messed up, imo. No ceremony has to be so small as to exclude the children of the married couple! They don't have to have a role in the ceremony, but it's a pretty big fucking deal happening in their lives.

If he insists on this, I'd just emphasize the celebration to come and try to get them to believe that the important part is the celebration, of which they are a big part.

[Eagles]

I found out after the fact that my father didn't want us in his wedding and only agreed because my stepmother to be insisted he couldn't have his nieces and not his daughters. That was one of the only nice things she ever did, and I don't have a relationship with either of them at this point for many reasons. I will say that finding that out put another brick in the wall between us.

I think you should follow Sparky's advice.

[scottyderp]

I was included in my dad's/stepmom's wedding.  She turned out to be not so great (not saying that will happen!), but I really appreciated being included.

[karmasabiotch]

If their Dad has to explain it to him he will be the one to deliver the bad news which is his place. You shouldn't have to do it. Plus, hopefully he will see that they are sad or disappointed and maybe have them come after all.

I would definitely do something fun with them that night.

[karmasabiotch]

And it sucks that he isn't having his kids there.

[05heel]

That's jacked up. It's not like your kids are babies. They can sit quietly and happily while dad and stepmom stammer out a few canned lines about love and family. Then they can just as easily join them for dinner afterwards to celebrate. They are however young enough to be thoroughly unimpressed by a dinner the following Monday. He needs to stop the madness.

[Deleted]

I kind of hate him.

[doriswe]

Do they know XH is getting married on that specific day or sort of a general "he's getting married soon?" I almost wonder if they don't know the exact date if he was just planning on the dinner as the "wedding" if you will. Still not right, but maybe less traumatic on the kiddos?

[thinkofthesoldiers]

My BIL did this. His kid is a lot older than yours, but it still stung. It has put a bit of a wall between them.

Your exH is making a mistake and you are within the bounds here to calmly tell him he needs to tell them.

[malibu]

I think it's really kind of fucked up to not include his own children at his remarriage. Nothing like making them feel excluded to start things off with the new stepmom. I agree with PPs - this is his mess, let him clean it up.

[circa1978]

Mar 3, 2016 13:11:10 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

I kind of hate him.

Right? I just feel for their little hearts. @32flavors, you've said before that he's a good guy and you have a good relationship. Is there any reasoning with him on this?

[autumnfire]

I'd be upset if in this situation. Personally I feel if they don't go what is he trying to tell them? Yes it's a small wedding very small but why not include your 'world' at one of the most important events in your life with this new women who will become their step mom?

What exactly was his reasoning besides it being small? Regardless of size it shouldn't mean they are not included... Not a good enough reason to me. Certainly not one that's easily explained.

Excluding them I feel like it's sending the wrong message. No way in heck should he get out of this one without sitting the kids down and clarifying what's happening. A Monday 'dinner' with him and his new wife seems a consolation prize. They will see wedding photos in their home and know they weren't invited which to me could translate into not being welcome at their fathers special day. I would very much so push this issue with him.

[formerlyak]

I am kind of afraid this will happen when my ex gets remarried - if it ever happens. They have been engaged for over 2 years and have no wedding plans. When it became apparently that the wedding might not happen or if it does they may elope, I told ds that every one has their own way to do a wedding. Some are like mine was with friends and family (ds walked me down the aisle with my dad), and some people prefer to just do it alone with just the bride and the groom. He seemed ok with the idea that for some people it's a big celebration and for some people it is a private moment; and for his dad and fiance (since she is a very shy person) it may be a private moment.

[05heel]

I know that resolving things peacefully is not my strength, so bear with me here. But *someone* needs to tell him to cut the shit. Tell him he's wrong and that he needs to get right. Hopefully he's just being clueless and will appreciate the directness.

[ginandtonic]

I'm coming out of lurking to say that my brother and I didn't go to our dad's wedding to our stepmother back more than 30 years ago. I was 10 or so. My feelings were briefly hurt, but I moved on.

Technically speaking, it's because we had moved to FL with my mom and my dad was in NJ, so there was "no one to watch us" - which is stupid because one of my aunts could have, or something. My dad didn't want to be bothered and my my stepmother probably told him she didn't want to deal with us either. I suspect a little that she kind of wanted to pretend we didn't exist for the day (it was bad enough for her that my dad wouldn't get an annulment so they couldn't have a Catholic wedding).

My stepmother loves us - we have a good relationship with her. I hold none of this against anyone.

But I can see how their feelings could be hurt.

[claudiajean]

I would call him and tell him it really seems important to the kids. If he doesn't give in, he needs to let them know sooner rather than later. I think I would take them to a movie or something fun that night.

[ginandtonic]

I wonder if my cousins were at that wedding. I've seen pictures, but I don't recall. Maybe there were no kids period.

[cleo29]

I think you need to calmly inform him that this will be a huge mistake on his part. THey should be included. You can pick them up after, perhaps, so the two of them can then go out alone together.

[brooke77]

My siblings and I weren't told/invited to our dad's wedding. I'm guessing it happened when I was around 10. When I was getting married, he and his wife (and other family members) openly talked about my dad's wedding. I can't really see why your Ex wouldn't want to include his children.

If he decides not to include them, I think that's his choice. My mom always explained that our dad loved us. He just shows it in his own way.

[Pirategal]

My dad remarried twice. The first time (jop marriage #1) my sister and I were not included to the point where we found out after the fact, that hurt a lot. The second time, again we weren't included (jop marriage #2)but we immediately met up with him and his then wife for a dinner afterwards. It sucked we didn't get to be there but it was nice to do something with them right away.

[circa1978]

Mar 3, 2016 13:33:06 GMT -5 brooke77 said:

 My mom always explained that our dad loved us. He just shows it in his own way.

OMG. My mom always said the same thing to excuse my bio dad's asshole behavior. Is it in a manual or something?

[CurlyQ284]

This is making me rage, all these stories. What is the matter with people?

When we got married, I included SDs as much as possible (as in we all walked down the aisle together after the ceremony and walked into the reception together announced as the ---Family instead of Mr and Mrs ---). This is such bullshit, it sends a horrible message that the kids aren't part of the family.

If he doesn't change his mind, I might actually do something special just to take their minds off of it. Even something small like ice cream sundaes for dinner. I hope he changes his mind.