Discipline help for grandma

[af1212]

My mom watches our 2 1/2 year old daughter occasionally (maybe 2x a month). The past two times she has watched her my daughter has been a total sneak! She convinces my mom to let her do all kinds of things that she knows she's not allowed to do (i.e. run with her baby stroller and crash it into things, bring the stroller up and down the stairs, go into our room and the guest room and jump up on the beds, play hide and seek with our cat, go to bed with no underwear, etc.).

My mom seems to know she's not supposed to do these things but can't seem to bring herself to give her time outs or discipline her. The last time she watched her I told my mom that she needs to start giving her time outs. I said that she is testing, and it's only going to get worse.

I was hoping to find some sort of website or article I could print out to give to my mom that would describe basic discipline principles for this age group (the more explicit the better). Any suggestions or sites you could direct me to?

[ijack]

I don't necessarily think that grandparents have to follow the same rules as parents, that's kind of part of being a grandparent. Maybe your mom isn't okay with giving her time outs or disciplining her. None of the offenses seem like huge deals to me (like why does it matter if she goes to bed without underwear?), but if it upsets you I would tell your mom that she has to follow your rules (and write them out) if she's going to watch your daughter (and then I'll assume that you're going to pay her if you're going to demand she follow your rules).

[takeonyou]

As long as your dd is safe, I don't think grandparents should not have to be disciplinarians UNLESS they are primary/regular caregivers (think regular daycare, living with grandparent, etc.).

You have to look at it this way -- your mom is doing you a favor by watching her. She is being a babysitter. She keeps her safe and happy. It isn't her job to discipline her. She did that with you already. Now it is your turn. There is something so special about that grandparents/grandchild bond and part of it is teaming up against you, lol. Don't throw a wrench in their plans, just let them bond and be lovey. As long as she is safe and happy, consider yourself lucky.

[h]

I agree with ijack and takeonyou--I don't expect my mom or my H's mom to discipline our kids for minor offenses given that they watch them fairly infrequently. I would feel differently if we were using them as our regular caregivers, and obviously safety issues are different.

If you really want your mom to discipline your child in a particular way, just talk to her about how you discipline and tell her she needs to implement the same practices if she is going to watch your child.

[sewpinkgal]

When my mom would leave us with grandma, she would specifically tell us that we were to mind her and if we didn't, there would be consequences from mom. Obviously, little stuff was fine, but if we truly did things that my grandmother instructed us not to do, my mom disciplined us when she got back. Might be a way to help your mom from having to do timeouts and such, but still letting your daughter know that it's not okay to push the limits with grandma.

[af1212]

Sorry I didn't check back sooner. I think I was unclear in my original post.

I don't care that she follows our household rules at all, but I do care that she was doing things that were clearly unsafe/damaging. She was crashing her stroller into our walls and furniture, wheeling it up and down the stairs, playing hide and seek with the cat (which means she was chasing him around, and trying to pull him out from wherever he was hiding), etc.

These are things that I would expect any adult to stop a toddler from doing no matter where they were. These are not things she has ever done when my husband or I have been home, so I didn't know to talk with my mom about them in advance. I did take the stroller away from my daughter today and explained why, but she was clearly confused. She just kept saying, "but grandma let me have it on the stairs ... grandma let me run with it and bang". I don't know if she's really old enough to make those kind of connections or be responsible for her own behavior without help from an adult.

Any other suggestions or thoughts?

[takeonyou]

Aha. Just have a heart to heart with mom. Let her know some tamer activities to do with dd. Like PlayDoh or painting. Or give them passes to local zoos, play places, etc.

[UnderProtest]

Other than getting your mom on board or punishing your daughter yourself when you get home, I'm not sure what to tell you. My kids aren't old enough for that craziness yet. Sorry.

But i will say I'm just amazed at the number of grandparents who seem to have lost their mind. Who wouldn't stop a kid from banging a stroller into walls and furniture? Not trying to pick on your mom, mine does the same type of stuff. The things she will let my kids with amazes me. What is it with grandparents?

[vanillacourage]

I would talk with your mom and say that you don't expect her to discipline but you do want her to step in if your DD is being destructive or unsafe. In the situation you described she could have just said "ok we're done with the stroller now" and put it away, no biggie.