Intro

[jenstar]

I'm sorry you're here, asoctoberfalls, it's a pretty shitty place to be. I have wrestled with most of what you are dealing with now and I can tell you that it gets so much better. In your case it's particularly hard because it came out of the blue. I'm not on here much (different timezone) but you're more than welcome to PM if you want to. Hugs x

[Mrs.Rad888]

Mar 7, 2016 12:50:33 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Mar 7, 2016 12:20:50 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

Right now he may be willing to try.  He's confusing - one minute he says he is, the next he says he's done.  But I'm hoping he's just done so I don't have to try any more.  He doesn't seem to understand why I can't just get over the abuse.  5 or 6 years ago, he was going to bars a lot and acting inappropriately with women (flirting, dancing, etc.).  I was able to move past that.  He keeps bringing up how I moved past that but can't move past the abuse.  I really don't think he has any idea how big of a deal that was.

I got the "I don't want strangers to know our business" line just this weekend when he refused counseling.  He also never goes when I hang out with my family, and he misses church 80% of the time.  Every week when I get home from church, he says, "Did anyone ask about me? What did they say?"  The thing is, people mostly stopped asking because it became the norm for him NOT to be there.  And I always have made excuses for him, but I'm done. At least, I want to be done.  

And as to the bolded, a million times yes!  He's the exact same way.

And thanks.  

See the bolded? What you just said? It's okay to be done.  For real. 

Absolutely! He's not the only one who gets to make decisions about this marriage.

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 7, 2016 21:41:50 GMT -5 tevagirl said:

I'm so so sorry. XH completely blindsided me also, it sucked so bad at the time. Now I realize that I'm so much happier and a better me/mom without him.

This is what I see in my future. Just getting there is the hard part. My emotions are changing 3 times a minute at this point.

Today is probably one of the biggest days of the year for me at work. I have a customer coming in from across the country to view and audit a huge project I recently finished. Last night right before I was supposed to leave work, a part of my project broke. I was here late fixing it, I was completely freaking out. It was a horrible night and I felt on the verge of a mental breakdown to have this combined with all the marriage stress.

When H came home and I told him about my rough day at work and how the stress of the marriage stuff was really difficult, he was like, "Why? I didn't even think you'd care." I mean, who is this person who thinks the dissolution of a 15 year relationship and a 13 year marriage would be no big deal to me?!

So thank you. I needed the optimism of your post. I need to remember that I'll get there.

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 7, 2016 23:18:11 GMT -5 jenstar said:

I'm sorry you're here, asoctoberfalls, it's a pretty shitty place to be. I have wrestled with most of what you are dealing with now and I can tell you that it gets so much better. In your case it's particularly hard because it came out of the blue. I'm not on here much (different timezone) but you're more than welcome to PM if you want to. Hugs x

Thank you.
Hearing from people who are happier now after being where I am is very comforting.

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 7, 2016 14:57:57 GMT -5 glynn said:

Check your insurance you may have coverage for a few sessions for help.

I was blindsided in May by H also so I get that. We still lived together until 1/25 of this year which was hard. H is still in denial with other people knowing. He is the one who is now on his 2nd GF but can't verbalize what he wants to get the divorce done. We should/could of been divorced early Oct but his lawyer will not communicate with mine. He said he had a offer sent over so we will see.

Hugs.... You will be all over the place and that is OK. You do what you need to do and do not worry about him or other people.

I'll check. We do have an EAP so maybe they offer counseling.

I'm sorry your H is being so awful. I can't imagine dragging this out for that long, but right now H is in the spare room with no plans to leave, so I could be in the same boat.

I hope your divorce gets worked out quickly for your sake. Thanks for the encouragement.

[asoctoberfalls]

Yesterday I opened my own checking account and changed my direct deposit. I didn't get around to calling for a counselor because (as I wrote in a previous post) it was just a really horrible day at work and I didn't have time. I made plans to meet with my pastor's wife tomorrow. It feels weird to be taking all these steps when I'm still hoping reconciliation may be a possibility.

It also feels empowering to be doing SOMETHING instead of just waiting around for him to call all the shots.

I opened up to another friend of mine yesterday, a guy I've never met but have "known" through online gaming for nearly 10 years now. He's the first man I've told about the abuse. To hear from a guy about how that stuff is never ok was good. He was shocked and appalled that my H had ever put his hands on me in anything other than a loving way. I know it's not ok - but somehow I had managed to convince myself that stuff sometimes happens, men are more aggressive, etc. I suppose these are things a counselor could help me sort through.

[asoctoberfalls]

I found out today that there is someone else, the girl from work that I suspected. I knew it in my gut, but the revelation has been incredibly painful. I don't know if it's turned physical but it doesn't really matter. She bought a gift for my son and H said he wishes he could see her give it to him. I'm so angry about that.

I can't believe he could lie to my face when I asked him about her specifically. What else is he hiding? No wonder he's not willing to try.

I've been getting the house ready to sell ( without his help, of course). It sucks that I have to uproot my life and suffer financially for this. I'm so angry at him.

I haven't been able to sleep. I'm so tired. I've just been crying a lot and eating my feelings. Not sure how I'll manage to work tomorrow.

[winecat]

Mar 21, 2016 23:59:58 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

I found out today...

Oh, I am so sorry.  It's devastating.  Can you take tomorrow off?  

[Deleted]

Mar 21, 2016 23:59:58 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

I found out today that there is someone else, the girl from work that I suspected. I knew it in my gut, but the revelation has been incredibly painful. I don't know if it's turned physical but it doesn't really matter. She bought a gift for my son and H said he wishes he could see her give it to him. I'm so angry about that.

I can't believe he could lie to my face when I asked him about her specifically. What else is he hiding? No wonder he's not willing to try.

I've been getting the house ready to sell ( without his help, of course). It sucks that I have to uproot my life and suffer financially for this. I'm so angry at him.

I haven't been able to sleep. I'm so tired. I've just been crying a lot and eating my feelings. Not sure how I'll manage to work tomorrow.

I know it's hard, but good riddance, you don't need people like that in your life. Why would she buy your son a gift and why would your soon to be ex tell you about it. Fuckers. 

My ex was "crazy" and after we separated he kept doing little things that reminded me why we were separating and that he didn't deserve me. 

Hang in there. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things will get better. Take it minute by minute if you have to. Although I was generally happy when I was with my ex, I felt like I was living a lie by being with an asshole and that I was always holding my breath. Now I just feel so free and happy and it's amazing. You will get there. 

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 22, 2016 0:27:25 GMT -5 winecat said:

Mar 21, 2016 23:59:58 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

I found out today...

Oh, I am so sorry.  It's devastating.  Can you take tomorrow off?  

Thanks. I don't think so. But i am going to try to leave early. A lot of times I can manage an afternoon nap even when nighttime sleep is eluding me.

[asoctoberfalls]

@wandering , he didn't tell me. He's been lying to my face when I ask about her. After he spent $400 on clothes (using our mutual credit card) the other day, I was even more suspicious, so I hacked his Facebook. I didn't read anything recent since they've moved on to texting, but I saw enough.

I did LOL when he told her one day he was running errands and doing chores. His errands probably involved toy shopping and lunch out, but I'm not sure what chores he was referring to. Maybe warming a spot on the couch?

[winecat]

Mar 22, 2016 0:31:11 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

Mar 22, 2016 0:27:25 GMT -5 winecat said:

Oh, I am so sorry.  It's devastating.  Can you take tomorrow off?  

Thanks. 

I'm deleting things just in case you want it now or later.  

Do you have a PCP who can prescribe you some sleeping meds?  I know how hard it is to sleep.  I'm not a fan of giving meds for anything at anytime but there are times they are very helpful.  Getting some sleep is huge for you mentally and emotionally.  I'm so, so sorry.  

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 22, 2016 0:48:08 GMT -5 winecat said:

Mar 22, 2016 0:31:11 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

Thanks. 

I'm deleting things just in case you want it now or later.  

Do you have a PCP who can prescribe you some sleeping meds?  I know how hard it is to sleep.  I'm not a fan of giving meds for anything at anytime but there are times they are very helpful.  Getting some sleep is huge for you mentally and emotionally.  I'm so, so sorry.  

Thank you. I usually see my OB for my yearly appointment - but sleeping pills are a great idea. I can't survive on as little sleep as I've been getting.

[marylennox]

asoctoberfalls
I haven't done an intro yet, but I am going through almost exactly the same thing right now, so I wanted to reply. Certain details are different, but I also felt blindsided, wondered deep down if maybe I'd be happier without him, but was still holding out hope of reconciliation until I found out that he's been seeing/talking to someone else and lying to my face about it. He continues to lie and try to gaslight me even when confronted with information. We also have a very young son, too. So much of what you've written about your H sounds like I could have written it myself.

This post is all over the place because my thoughts and emotions are still all over the place, (why I've had trouble making an intro post) so I apologize. I just wanted to let you know I understand what you are going through. Please feel free to PM me any time if you ever want to talk.
(Oh and pdq, I may not want to keep this out here)

[doglove]

I'm sorry. Hugs.

[doglove]

Hugs marylennox.

[thedutchgirl]

I'm so sorry.

[winecat]

asoctoberfalls- I hope your OB will give you a prescription. I'm guessing s/he will when you explain what is going on. Speaking of that, make an appointment to get tested. Big hugs to you.

[bg]

I'm so sorry asoctoberfalls. I went through the same thing. Your anger right now is a good thing if it can help keep you moving forward. You deserve so much better.

marylennox I'm so sorry you're going through this as well.

And remember this is because of THEIR flaws.

[jojoandleo]

asoctoberfalls-I knew for a fact my XFI was cheating. He was on adult friend finder, after all. BUT, there was a girl we MET TOGETHER that I always suspected something was going on with. He denied, denied, denied. When I moved out, I found framed boudoir photos of her. She also moved in when I moved out. Shocking. Even though I knew it, it still hurt. It is like holding on to that hope he wasn't a complete lying dirtbag, and it turns out he is. It also makes you annoyed that you doubted your instincts and trusted him.

I am sorry. This is all on him, though. HE is the one who chose to pursue a relationship outside his marriage. Him alone. None of it is on you. And it's not your fault you wanted to believe him. We all want to believe the person we loved is still there at least partially.

[asoctoberfalls]

marylennox
I totally understand everything you're feeling. My H is a master at gas lighting as well. I'm so upset that my son has such an awful man for a father. You can PM me any time. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. ::hugs::

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 22, 2016 8:46:21 GMT -5 winecat said:

asoctoberfalls- I hope your OB will give you a prescription. I'm guessing s/he will when you explain what is going on. Speaking of that, make an appointment to get tested. Big hugs to you.

Hadn't even thought of that. Ugh.

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 22, 2016 10:47:58 GMT -5 bg said:

I'm so sorry asoctoberfalls. I went through the same thing. Your anger right now is a good thing if it can help keep you moving forward. You deserve so much better.

marylennox I'm so sorry you're going through this as well.

And remember this is because of THEIR flaws.

I know it's definitely because of his flaws, but it sure does hurt right now. I will come out better on the other side - just gotta get there!

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 22, 2016 15:49:22 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

asoctoberfalls-I knew for a fact my XFI was cheating. He was on adult friend finder, after all. BUT, there was a girl we MET TOGETHER that I always suspected something was going on with. He denied, denied, denied. When I moved out, I found framed boudoir photos of her. She also moved in when I moved out. Shocking. Even though I knew it, it still hurt. It is like holding on to that hope he wasn't a complete lying dirtbag, and it turns out he is. It also makes you annoyed that you doubted your instincts and trusted him.

I am sorry. This is all on him, though. HE is the one who chose to pursue a relationship outside his marriage. Him alone. None of it is on you. And it's not your fault you wanted to believe him. We all want to believe the person we loved is still there at least partially.

You are so right. I just want to believe that my sons dad is a good person deep down, but the fact that there is someone else...and that he's lying to my face and attempting to gas light me... makes it hard to believe.

[3dogdays]

I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I am also going thru something similar. The ladies here have been extremely helpful when it come to dealing with the feelings that go along with your spouse cheating and moving on. I also feel guilty that my daughter has a crappy dad. I keep telling myself that when i married him and had her, he was a 'different' person and I was making a decision based on what I knew then. Now I know different but that doesn't change the past. At the end of the day, he is the one with the issues and you will come out stronger in the end. I know its hard right now because your upset and not sleeping, etc. I was there not quite 3 weeks ago. I just took it one day at a time and before I knew it, it's been 3 weeks. I still get upset and I'm still processing but everyday is alittle easier. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I completely understand. Hugs!