For those in relationships:

[glitzyglow]

Is your SO what you expected/anticipated in your future SO or was he/she different than what you'd imagined you'd end up with?

[Deleted]

I've had 2 boyfriends since my divorce.

My personality in general in regards to my personal life is very go with the flow, so I don't think I had anything particular in mind, but they are both very different than my exH.

My current boyfriend is older than me (that did kind of throw me for a loop in the beginning but now it's a non issue because he's probably cooler and more hip than me in general, ha), works in a creative field, is probably smarter than most people I know. He leads a very interesting and non-traditional life, so that's something I would never have predicted, but I really like it because it meshes well with my laid back approach to things.

My verbally abusive exH didn't ruin my self esteem, but it is nice to be in a normal relationship with someone who appreciates me for me, we can argue fairly and his actions show that he cares.

I knew that I was worthy of dating a decent human being so from that perspective that is what I expected and it's nice that it came to fruition.

[FormerlyRR]

He is VERY different from what I expected.

[bl]

Completely different in most ways, but similar in the ways that matter.

Examples: He is younger and a lot wilder than I imagined, he is super spontaneous and impulsive. I never thought I would mesh well with someone with those qualities because I am a super planner and have a lot of anxiety, but he pushes me out of my comfort zone at times and I have had some amazing memories with him because of it.

He fights/argues/debates in a way that is completely new to me. He just never holds anything in and will tell me exactly when I upset him, and speaks his mind without holding back. He can be really passionate about this as well when debating certain subjects where we disagree. At first I thought this was an awful thing, but we have really worked on our communication because of this and I can tell him when you said X when you were all heated up about that issue it made me feel like blah blah and he will listen and not say it again. I have also had to learn to speak up more and not just shut down. I used to think I liked that me and Xh didn't ever fight, but now I wonder if it wasn't healthy to be that far on the opposite end either.

We don't have similar tastes in music or some hobbies that I always said were important to me, but he is so adventurous that he will go to a country concert even if he hates it and will jump on a bike for a Sat morning ride if he knew I wanted to go.

He is incredibly thoughtful, affectionate, has strong opinions he will fight for, we have fun together, and he has an amazing work ethic. Those were the non-negotiables and he meets them all. All the other things were things I thought I wanted one way and now realize maybe it works better if its a different way than what I thought.

PDQ I will delete just because it has personal information about him.

[boing]

I think he is what I wanted when I was young. Someone that works hard, respects and adores me, wants to take care of me but likes that I'm independent.
There was a time in my life where I didn't think I'd have or deserve someone like him.

[TR]

My BF is not what I expected, although I don't know what I was expecting, really. But he makes a lot of sense for me based on my problems with XH. A is older and the adultiest adult I know. I feel so secure with him, he's extremely steady, financially and emotionally.

[calle28]

In a lot of ways he's what I wanted, but is way better than I actually thought was possible. We are very similar, personality wise, which I wanted. He's very patient which was a top priority on my list.

I've discussed this on here before, but physically, no, he's not what I expected.

We met online and if he had come up to me at a bar or something, I hate to admit, but I probably wouldn't have been interested.

[dreamcrisp1]

For me, he's exactly what I always hoped I would have but didn't think I would be able too. Actually, he's even better. I never realized I could feel so loved, valued, and cared for as I do with him. Even when we fight, I still feel my opinions are valued and he listens to me. And long distance has made me realize just how much I love our life together and how much I love him. I can't wait for him to come home.

Physically, he is different than previous guys I've dated though. And also, I can't imagine anyone assimilating into my family before than him. He manages to love my culture and all our traditions which makes me so happy. I don't have to hide it at all.

[Wanderista]

He's from a different religion/culture which I didn't plan to date or seek out. He's reform Jewish. I really like his family and as we date more, I'm also learning more about his culture which I am enjoying. Honestly, my exes had nice mothers but his family is the best that I've known. I really enjoy seeing them and it isn't a chore at all.

Physically, I've dated a range in the past - different heights, different hair colors. As time went on, I developed a type/preference that works like a charm for me. He's shorter than recent exes but he is "my type".  He's also really intelligent, cultured and likes doing a lot of things that I like. He's quirky which works well for me. I didn't expect to date someone in his career field but he is very refreshing and I'm glad that I didn't judge him too early on. He is very much a "suit".

I'm also someone who dated mostly foreign guys. For a while, I lived overseas. I also tended to seek out really artsy, creative guys and so that's probably what I thought I'd end up with. I dated a film critic, a classical music composer, a rock music photographer, an Italian soccer player (a very douchey one), a spoiled trust fund baby (also douchey, big surprise) and some really mysterious but posh British guy who was pretty artsy. Oh, I also dated a gay scientist in high school, I tend to forget about that one.

The guys I dated were generally either pretty unstable, argumentative and overly emotional or they were cold, aloof and have intimacy/commitment problems. He is someone that I really feel comfortable with and we are really close. It's a cliche but he's really like my best friend. He's also very logical and generally stable. I'm really glad to know him this well. I have a lot of friends and memories, but he is special. I care about a lot of people but I really care about him. 

[Deleted]

I guess I didn't really have a vision for who I'd end up with. There were a few things I considered "dealbreakers", such as lack of a decent job, bad with money, prioritizing games, hobbies or friends over me, yelling, etc. Stuff that were issues with my XH. My current BF meets all of those, except technically he doesn't have a decent job yet - but he's working on a PhD and makes enough money to live off of, and doesn't spend it frivolously, so that works fine for me.

I wanted to end up with someone more like me, a liberal, someone who laughs at the same dumb stuff I do, someone who likes to travel, someone smart and/or educated - my BF is all those things, and even more than I would have expected. He's also just so damned easy to be in a relationship with. I didn't envision being in such an easy relationship only because I didn't think it was quite possible.

Physically I don't feel like I really have a "type" so I had no expectations there.

[mysterons]

The guy I'm with is pretty much who I expected I would end up with, but I was very open to whoever was out there after my divorce. He's extremely good natured which is refreshing as compared to my ex-H. He also loves and accepts me for who I am. We are a very good match.

[glitzyglow]

I initially asked because there is the camp that believes in "visualizing" the type of person you'll end up with and specific traits you expect/want in a partner. I know others do it via a "list" they keep of what they are looking for in a partner.

If you would have visualized your "perfect" partner, does your current partner meet the criteria?

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2016 14:34:58 GMT -5 glitzyglow said:

I initially asked because there is the camp that believes in "visualizing" the type of person you'll end up with and specific traits you expect/want in a partner. I know others do it via a "list" they keep of what they are looking for in a partner.

If you would have visualized your "perfect" partner, does your current partner meet the criteria?

I'm not really sure I can answer that question.

Of course I think my partner is "perfect" for me now that we're together but if you would've asked me 1.5 years ago before we were dating I'm not sure if I would've picked every single characteristic that he has if someone forced me to come up with arbitrary criteria for my partner to meet.

Overall I think finding someone you're compatible with is such a random coincidence that I personally can't define it to a criteria of certain specific characteristics. 

He's nice, respectful, intelligent, has a good career and has a sense of humor, but I think those characteristics are so generic, most people don't want to date an asshole who has no job and mooches off of you!

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2016 14:34:58 GMT -5 glitzyglow said:

I initially asked because there is the camp that believes in "visualizing" the type of person you'll end up with and specific traits you expect/want in a partner. I know others do it via a "list" they keep of what they are looking for in a partner.

If you would have visualized your "perfect" partner, does your current partner meet the criteria?

Obviously I'm not in a relationship. But when I think of what I'm looking for in a partner it isn't concrete, it's more about how they would compliment me. So instead of intelligent, I think along the lines of someone who will challenge me and will engage in conversations. Instead of graduated from college it's makes efforts to bettering their career. In some cases that might be a degree, in other instances it's taking specialized classes, or being really involved in a trade association. Essentially I made myself dig a layer further into my list and really ask why is this important and how do I see that impacting me.

[Deleted]

Honestly, if I visualize anything I want my partner and I to be trampolines. The same goes for me, but you asked what I would want of him. I want to be able to fall into him and feel the warmth of the sun. I want to know I'll be safe and have a soft place to land. That there's no measure of depth we can go, I can fall, he can reach. And that when I need a push, a shove, a change in direction, he'll boost me in that direction. That there's a never ending trade of support and motivation between the two of us. Where there's no question that a low will eventually be met with a high, and that the easy days of soft bounces back and forth are still a comforting bond.

And as far as all of that idealized stuff goes, there's a list. I need to find him:
- honest
- attractive
- intelligent
- responsible
- good penis situation
- affectionate
- loving and willing to be loved
- kind
etc.

I think, for me, the most odd thing about being with BF is his job. Otherwise he fits the mold, has the looks, and hits the list highlights.  Did I think I'd date someone in his profession? Probably not. But I have no hard and fast rules there, nor was I seeking someone in a particular industry. It's clear his job is a big part of who is and who he will become, but with his personality I think it's a good thing. I am so very happy with him and could not be more pleased with our relationship.

[jojoandleo]

This is such a loaded question for me as MH has changed throughout our marriage.

When we met, was he my "type"? Yes. I actually briefly met him just before meeting XFI and had a crush on him. Then he disappeared for almost two years before I ran into him again.

When we married, was he who I expected to marry? Yes and no. I had unrealistic expectations of marriage. Which is funny as the child of a shit ton of divorce. But I thought my parents divorced people because it wasn't right, and when it was right, it just WORKED! Super naive, I know. And we DID just work for three straight years. Then H got depressed and I was pretending like life was normal and not really there for him. At all. I was a pretty shitty partner, actually. Then when I started working on it, H was pissed and not into working on it. He wanted me to earn it. Now, we are both finally in the same place at the same time (mentally, not physically yet. Lol). While it's not perfect, it is good.

Is he who I NOW picture myself with? I think so. He's a flawed person married to a flawed person who are working on accepting each other's flaws. That's what marriage really is. There is no perfect.

[bl]

I think in the areas that were deal breakers he is absolutely what I imagined, but if I would have tried to envision my perfect partner 6-8 months ago he is not it and does not meet several of the criteria that would have been nice to haves. However he now has shown me there are some new areas I never thought I would enjoy so much in a partner that I would want if I find myself in that position as again.

[Deleted]

I don't think a "perfect" match exists.  Some matches are just better than others.  I think there is more that one person in existence that we could potentially have a good thing with, it's just a matter of finding compatible partners.  
Is bf the picture of every trait I would love to have in a person? Nope.  And surely I'm not the picture of every trait he'd want in a partner.  But we accept each other's flaws. 

[LoveBug]

He is exactly the type of father to his kids that I wanted in a husband/co parent, but sadly didn't get - super hands on and very involved in their lives. I adore it so much it makes my heart skip.

He doesn't necessarily look like my type though.

His personality is goofy like mine but I don't think I expected someone to just be so silly and not care. So this was a nice surprise.

[starburst604]

I'd say he's almost exactly what I imagined. I don't mean so much in the physical sense, I don't think I ever had strong ideas about what my future H would look like. It's the way we relate to each other, how much we have in common and how easily we get along. Very little is a struggle, we just get each other. I learned along the way when I was single that I need to be with someone who is very much like me. Someone who is outgoing, social, warm and affectionate, loves to travel, loves animals and the beach. An overall positive outlook. No way could I be with someone super politically or socially conservative either. Also important were having the qualities to be a great dad, and he's even better than I hoped for. I've honestly not ever had the thought "I wish my H had xxxx quality". Actually I take that back - if he were handier around the house that would be awesome lol.

Of course he has quirks and habits that bug the shit out of me sometimes, and I'm probably even more annoying though he doesn't show it if I am. But overall we have a truly amazing friendship and so far marriage and parenthood have been easy for us.

[somersault72]

So different! He's 9 years older than me (ex H and I were the same age), he's politically conservative, he's bald (which I adore now, I just never pictured myself with a bald guy). Sigh. I absolutely adore that man.

[jojoandleo]

Mar 9, 2016 18:37:16 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I don't think a "perfect" match exists.  Some matches are just better than others.  I think there is more that one person in existence that we could potentially have a good thing with, it's just a matter of finding compatible partners.  
Is bf the picture of every trait I would love to have in a person? Nope.  And surely I'm not the picture of every trait he'd want in a partner.  But we accept each other's flaws. 

Man, and I think if I had married my idea of "perfect"-he would annoy me just as much. Like, I dated this guy who basically worshipped the ground I walked on (what I thought I wanted), was SUPER hot, and never put me down and I HATED it. Like, grow a backbone, dude! Disagree with me sometimes! It's GOOD for me!