Tell me about custody

[asoctoberfalls]

We have one 4 year old son who will be starting school next year. I'm trying to figure out what would be best for him custody-wise. Currently, H works 10-7, so he takes him to daycare in the morning and I pick him up and do the evening routine. H has mentioned switching his hours two days a week so he could see DS then. I have NO idea what is best for DS.

What has worked and not worked for you?

[sweetchix]

That seems to be a tough work schedule to work around. It would be late enough in the am to get your DS to school, but what would he plan to do for after school? Most after school care only goes until 6. Does he have someone who could watch DS after school on his days?

We follow a 2/2/3 schedule so our days alternate on a week 1/week 2 schedule. We like this, for now, because there is not a long period of time that DDs are without either parent. It also allows us to share responsibilities as far as extracurricular activities. I imagine at one point it may change as they get more involved in activities/friends, but it works for us right now.

[1confused1]

My kids go to their dad's every other weekend.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I'm no help at all

Full Custody, xh doesn't even have visitation. It's a double edged sword having her 24/7 w zero breaks.

[sessy]

Our custody arrangement is weird. My ex lives 30 miles away but works in the same city where we live and he works nights. Our agreement says he gets them on his days off, but unless his days off fall on weekends (which they don't always) then he doesn't take them., because his house is too far and the commute takes hours to get them to and from school.

[jenstar]

Our arrangement is technically I have full custody, XH "regularly spends time" with DS. At the beginning this was very little time but he was only just 2 and his dad had never spent a lot of time with him before. Now XH takes him most weekends, almost every Friday night and most Saturday nights but that's because he can't commit to a weekday/night to take him. If I have something on over the weekend I want to have him for we usually just rearrange a little. Recently I have been trying to take DS for at least a weekend a month (so xh doesn't always palm him off to other people so he can go out) but during school time he does swimming with xh on a Saturday morning anyway so he still usually takes him on a Friday.
I wish that we could do a one weeknight & every other weekend arrangement but honestly I need a break by the end of the week having a 3.5yo on my own! As he gets older I may push for that.
Luckily the way our arrangement works means that I almost never go a whole day without seeing DS because I watch him at his swim class and then he comes back on the Sunday evening. I like it that way.

[sacattack]

XH and I share custody. He has techinally has them from 8AM Wednesday to 5PM Thursday and every other weekend. My kids are in school now, but when they weren't he was responsible for those days. We had a nanny we shared- he paid for his days, me for mine. After the nanny left we made our own coverage plans - he used his his mom covered days, then his girlfriend. This way if the kids are sick - we know who has to take the day off. It worked well for the most part until last summer when I was piecing together childcare for random summer days. I think this summer we will each be responsible for "day" care during set weeks.

[glynn]

With my first divorce we did every other weekend and had set holidays. He was 2 hours away so it worked.

This time we are in the same town. He gets every other weekend and Wednesday pick-up from school until Thursday drop off at school. Whoever has her has to arrange childcare. We have set holidays also.

[schrodinger]

Sorry to stalk you from MM, someone mentioned your thread on SO and I wanted to read it before commenting on the budget thread, and then found this one. DH and his XW separated when their girls were 2 and 4. They have always alternated weeks, sharing 50/50 custody. A few things that I would suggest if I could rewrite history:

-They originally had dinner with the non-custodial parent during the custodial parents week (i.e. dinner with mom on dad's week). This was great at the beginning and helped make for an easier transition, but I wish that it had been written with a stopping point. Now that they are in school and have homework and activities, it is very disruptive. My suggestion would be to set up custody for different stages and be very flexible to changing it as circumstances change (school schedules, after-school activities, etc.). Definitely include a transition phase for your son to not go too long without seeing either parent at first (a 1-2 month custody arrangement, then a 3-6 month arrangement, then 6+ months).

-Consider vacations and how you're going to work that out. Because of our every other week schedule (and our inability to foresee that we'd want to vacation for longer than a week at a time) we're really screwed on vacations. Consider how flexible you want to be during the summers to allow for either parent to take a long break and travel.

-Out of town visitors can't always show up on your custodial time, so consider if/how you'd "trade" to allow more time with out of town guests.

Sorry for the novel, that's all I can think of for now. If you have any specific questions let me know, I'm happy to help out.

[jellymankelly]

My kids go to their dad's every other weekend, and he takes them to dinner during the week from time to time. Doing the morning routine alone every single day is frustrating, but I feel like it's best for my kids if they stay at one house during the school week. We started out with XH living out of state, and it evolved into our current routine. It works for us.

[3dogdays]

I don't have an answer as I'm going thru this myself. We're in similar spots and I wanted to tell you I admire your strenth. I don't 'know' you but from your posts you seem it's seems like you got this. I just wanted you to hear that from a stranger because I know sometimes it's hard to believe it from those who love you. Hugs! You got this girl'!

[housewife]

xh and I also have strange schedules to work around. I work 5:30am - 2pm and he works retail hours which typically means afternoons and weekends, his parents have always provided childcare tues-thurs.

We split Monday (I WFH, take them to school and they ride the bus to XH's house where I stay and do homework/dinner all that stuff. He gets home from work and I leave.

Tues, Wed, Thurs are his days. His parents help with school drop off/pick up.

We split Friday - he either takes them to school/sitter or if I am off work they'll come with me. Then I have them all weekend till Monday night.

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 13, 2016 21:20:51 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

That seems to be a tough work schedule to work around. It would be late enough in the am to get your DS to school, but what would he plan to do for after school? Most after school care only goes until 6. Does he have someone who could watch DS after school on his days?

We follow a 2/2/3 schedule so our days alternate on a week 1/week 2 schedule. We like this, for now, because there is not a long period of time that DDs are without either parent. It also allows us to share responsibilities as far as extracurricular activities. I imagine at one point it may change as they get more involved in activities/friends, but it works for us right now.

He's going to try to change his hours to 8-5 two days per week. I just want whatever will make this transition easiest for DS, and I don't know what that is. DS is going to have to leave his house too, and possibly his daycare. Plus he will be starting kindergarten in the fall. There are just so many transitions for him, and it worries me.

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 14, 2016 22:41:20 GMT -5 3dogdays said:

I don't have an answer as I'm going thru this myself. We're in similar spots and I wanted to tell you I admire your strenth. I don't 'know' you but from your posts you seem it's seems like you got this. I just wanted you to hear that from a stranger because I know sometimes it's hard to believe it from those who love you. Hugs! You got this girl'!

Thanks! I'm sorry we are in the same boat. It sucks.

[asoctoberfalls]

Thanks for sharing your arrangements! Despite his flaws, H is a really good dad and I think/hope that we will be able to work together to do whatever is best for DS. Right now we are thinking he would change his hours to 8-5 on Tuesday and Wednesday and have DS then, and also on Saturdays. I would have DS the rest of the time. I'm not sure if that is too many transitions every week, but i also don't know if it is good for DS to go too long without seeing either of us. I'm just not sure.

[sweetchix]

Mar 16, 2016 8:36:07 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

Thanks for sharing your arrangements! Despite his flaws, H is a really good dad and I think/hope that we will be able to work together to do whatever is best for DS. Right now we are thinking he would change his hours to 8-5 on Tuesday and Wednesday and have DS then, and also on Saturdays. I would have DS the rest of the time. I'm not sure if that is too many transitions every week, but i also don't know if it is good for DS to go too long without seeing either of us. I'm just not sure.

It sounds like you both want what is best for your DS, and that is a great start! Because of our 2/2/3 schedule, my DDs transition Monday/Wednesday/Friday every week and have since we first divorced (they were 4 and 6). We did have a period where DD1 did not want to leave with XH and that was rough, but it was only temporary. I gave her a diary to help her write out her thoughts and I think that helped. Occasionally one of them will say they want to stay with me, but they have adjusted well otherwise. You will find something that works for you.