Introduction

[thedutchgirl]

Hi all. I've been lurking for a while and much more regularly since February when I told my H I want a divorce. I've been around the Knot/Nest since before our wedding, which will be 10 years ago next month. We've been together 14 years.

The very not so short story is that I've been unhappy a very long time but covered that over in a very codependent way. STBX is an addict, highly functioning, and in the same way I grew up learning how to take care of people, he was always very willing to be taken care of. Ultimately, over the past several years I smoothed over all conflict until I grew to not like him at all.

He claims to be blindsided. I'm sure he didn't expect me to actually say what I wanted and stick with it, as I have given in to him for years. But I did, and I'm sure, and I'm done. And yes, I'm in therapy to address how to stop wanting to make even him feel better still about this all, have some boundaries, and take care of me.

I moved out temporarily three weeks ago but ultimately plan to keep the house, which he cannot afford.

I'm 38. No kids. One little dog. I'm a partner at a BigLaw firm, so my professional life is pretty different than how I behaved in my marriage. There's no cheating on either side, and at least for me, I have no one in mind and no interest in dating until I work on and fix me and my behaviors.

My biggest struggle right now is not getting sucked back into his games. He claims we need to "talk" to work out assets, etc., but it always ends in me upset (his perspective on division of assets, as he's the one who "doesn't want" the divorce) and him turning things back around on me. And if I don't talk to him, then he "has a hard time wanting to be cooperative."

After another bad interaction this evening, I'm again reminded that business-like email contact is best, and assets discussion needs to go through lawyers.

I'm sorry to be here in that it is difficult and uncomfortable and painful now, but I'm not sorry to be doing what is ultimately going to be better for me and allow me to be actually happy.

Thanks for being here. Your insights have helped already.

[redredwine]

I'm sorry of the circumstances you landed here, but on the plus side-it's a great support system full of great women!

[Linie]

Good luck! I did the same thing 1,5 years ago and did not protect myself enough from my STBXH's manipulative discussions. I'm a lawyer as well, so there was also a discrepancy between my work life and my life at home.

I really did not want to use lawyers (and it was not necessary - only one joint asset, no kids), but I would have saved myself hours of him trying to f* with my mind.

Let the lawyers do the talks. If you feel the need to give him more explanation, write a letter. It will go smoother and quicker.

Hugs,

[bg]

Sorry you find yourself here.

You sound very level headed about everything. Do keep things as business like as possible. It's hard to do when it's dealing with your spouse, but as you've seen it really is necessary in a lot of cases.

Stick around!

[Deleted]

Welcome. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. Try not to let him get to you.

[glitzyglow]

Welcome! Glad you are taking steps that ensure your happiness first and foremost...you deserve it!

[katieido]

Stay strong, I'm sorry he's being manipulative. You're welcome here, things will improve.

[Deleted]

Welcome!

Definitely get a lawyer asap and discuss assets through your lawyer. Once you don't have to worry about communicating with him anymore you'll feel a whole lot better.

[doglove]

Hugs. Just remember even the smallest step to focus on yourself and not him is most important. Small steps lead to bigger steps as you work your way through this process. You deserve the right to be happy and get what you want in life as well.

[thedutchgirl]

Mar 17, 2016 9:36:31 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Welcome!

Definitely get a lawyer asap and discuss assets through your lawyer. Once you don't have to worry about communicating with him anymore you'll feel a whole lot better.

We do now both have lawyers. H has this notion we need to keep talking about this stuff, but I don't think that's productive as evidenced last night. He is just trying to maintain contact with me in any way. Back to email and through lawyers for sure.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I'm sorry that you're finding yourself here. I too was in a VERY codependent relationship w a highly functioning addict who went off the rails in a very big way. PM me anytime. A couple of the ladies on this board have experience w addict xh's, don't be afraid to reach out.

[glynn]

Welcome..... Sorry you find yourself here but if it makes you happy then it is a great thing.

[1confused1]

Sorry you are here, but welcome!

My xh was/is very manipulative, I highly recommend cutting off all contact with him, you are never going to say the right thing and it will become very frustrating. I would have all your communication through your attorneys, it will also help stop him from trying to "maintain contact with you".

Good luck!!

[thedutchgirl]

Thank you all for the kind welcome and insight. I really appreciate it.

[asoctoberfalls]

I'm sorry you're here, but it's nice to "meet" you!

[itsmyparty]

Your story is very similar to mine, minus the addict husband piece for me. We've tried to settle things out of court - though we do have lawyers - but practically every conversation spirals into a fight. We've been living in the same house since I filed last fall, and I'm thankful it's coming to an end. Our fights sound very similar to yours, with husband placing blame on me, whining nonstop about asset division and then turning it into further insults of me. I began to insist that all of our communication regarding settlement needed to go through our attorneys or through email. Like you, I am also a very different person professionally than I am in my personal life; it's something I talk about occasionally with my therapist.

So in other words: welcome!

[thedutchgirl]

Mar 18, 2016 21:54:43 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

Your story is very similar to mine, minus the addict husband piece for me. We've tried to settle things out of court - though we do have lawyers - but practically every conversation spirals into a fight. We've been living in the same house since I filed last fall, and I'm thankful it's coming to an end. Our fights sound very similar to yours, with husband placing blame on me, whining nonstop about asset division and then turning it into further insults of me. I began to insist that all of our communication regarding settlement needed to go through our attorneys or through email. Like you, I am also a very different person professionally than I am in my personal life; it's something I talk about occasionally with my therapist.

So in other words: welcome!

Thank you! I cannot imagine how you've been able to stay in the house together. Impressive. I'm glad it is about to an end. I'm sorry you've experienced similar things. It seems to me that guys of this type don't like finally not being in control of us. 

[pandora]

I can't add beyond the great advice above but wanted to say welcome! Great ladies on here.