Moving back in with parents after divorce

[asoctoberfalls]

As I've been thinking about the future post-divorce, I think moving in with my parents might be the best option for me.  I make enough to support myself and DS, but I won't have much extra for savings or debt payoff.  Moving in with my parents will allow me to save money.  

Also, my mom has informed me that she's going to quit her job when we sell our house in order to watch DS while I work.  She'll also be there for school dropoff and pickup once he starts kindergarten in the fall.  While this will save me money and will make the logistics of single parenting MUCH easier, I'm worried how DS will transition considering he's been in daycare his whole life.  I like him being around other kids, and he learns a lot there.  Plus, I am dreading losing the ability to drop him off at daycare when I need a day off or on days when I'm off work but daycare is open.  

This all leads me to my next concern.  I'm an introvert and I NEED alone time.  Not only that, I need time where I'm home alone.  I'm afraid I'll feel desperately stifled at my parent's house.

Also, I would hate to start my son at school in my parents district and then end up finding the perfect rental in another district.

Has anyone ever moved back in with their parents as an adult, especially if they had kids?  How did it work out?  I'm incredibly grateful that they've offered to have us with them, but I'm just really worried how it will all come together.

[asoctoberfalls]

Oh, also, STBXH would have to drop off and pick up from my parents house on his days with DS, and I'm not sure if he will be OK with that.

I could always keep DS enrolled in his daycare for dropoff care; that way I could drop him off for the day if my mom is sick or busy or whatever. I don't know what is best.

[doglove]

I don't think I could ever do this regardless of how much debt I could pay off, but if you consider it I would make a plan with your parents about how long you will stay, what (if any) bills you will pay or contribute to for the household expenses, how you will handle food/groceries and other situations that arise.

What's your relationship with your parents like?

[sunshineluv]

What about you moving into a rental, a condo or house, and your son stays with your mom during the day? Then you still get to be independent, but you get the savings of daycare? Also, I don't know how divorce papers work, but I would think you will need your STBXH obligated for his share of daycare costs, in case the set up with your mom doesn't work out.

[mnsnow]

I don't post much, but I have a little insight. I'm in the middle of a divorce right now and our house sold in January. My two boys and I moved in with my mom and while I don't love it all the time, it's been the best transition for everyone. Having another adult in the house has immeasurable positives, things I certainly didn't think about. I can go to the gym after bedtime because my mom is there. I can go to the grocery store alone. I can go to happy hour with coworkers. Going through a divorce is extremely stressful, so having some time to be able to do things alone without worrying about a sitter is fantastic. The boys have transitioned really well and my mom helps with after school care a couple of days a week too. So in addition to saving on rent/mortgage, I'm saving a bit on childcare. There certainly are times when I want to pull my hair out but then I keep thinking of the positives and also keep in mind that it is temporary. It's working for us at this point in our lives and I'm grateful.

[doriswe]

My mom lives with me, so it's a little different since I get to dictate how things go. There are a lot of really great parts about it: kids get lots of time with her, she helps with household stuff, she's usually pretty willing to help me out by watching the kids. There also a lot of negatives: she's a talker and loves to come talk to me multiple times a night about random stuff that doesn't matter, we get in each others way from time to time, she can try to "parent" when it's not her place and she makes comments about how I keep my house.

I think if you guys can discuss all of the ins and outs of living together, and be really real, it's a good option for a short period of time. I think you need to be really clear that you need some private time and make sure they know YOU are the parent, not them.

starrieskies did this for a while too...she might be able to give you a better idea of what it was like under her parents' roof.

[prettipenny]

I am currently living with my parents and my 2 kids. I moved in for many of the same reasons as you, I wanted to save and pay down debt. I still own my home but have rented it out for the past 2 1/2 years and am finally moving back this summer. Living with my parents has been interesting- some days I love it, some days I'm ready to rent a place and get the hell out! But honestly, for the most part I am really glad I did this. I have had a chance to save, I have had so much help with my kids. It's not always easy, and like you, I really like my personal space and alone time. Alone time is really hard to come by living with them, but I knew this wasn't going to be forever. I think the financial aspect and the help with the kids was worth the sacrifice of my personal space.

My divorce was real ugly when everything first happened, and my exH picks up the girls from my parents house. At first I was really worried about this since my parents were real angry with him. But I spoke to them and they understand how important it is for the kids to see everyone get along. We have never had an issue and everyone has gotten more and more friendly over time. I think it's been good for the girls to see that even though things have changed, we all still get along and work together to take care of them. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[bl]

My mom lives with me and I do not have kids, so it is different, but I love my arrangement. I think it largely depends on your relationship with your mom/parents and just their personality. My mom is the most laid back, least intrusive, most understanding person I have ever met. I live my life exactly as I did before we lived together and she does not comment on it unless I ask her opinion. I can tell her I have had a bad day at work and just need to be left alone and she does not get hurt. We are very open, so when I was dating I can tell her I am not coming home for the night after a date and she is a-ok as long as I tell her so she doesn't worry. If these things didn't work this way I know I would hate it. If you think your relationship is the right kind to make this work then lots of communication about expectations and roles should happen before you move in.

[glitzyglow]

I lived with my parents for 1.5 years after my divorce. I do not have kids. Financially, I was able to pay off my car and a few other bills, as well as establish a savings account which allowed me to afford a move to another state. Mental health wise, my mother and I are like oil and water, so not always great. However, I loved seeing my dad and siblings every day.

[asoctoberfalls]

I'm going to go back through individual comments in a minute, but just off the top of my head...

I get along wonderfully with my parents. There are no boundary issues and we don't fight at all, ever. They're some of my son's favorite people and they are really great with him.

This would be temporary until I could find a rental I like. I am hoping no more than 6 months. When I move back out, I'd stay nearby so my mom could still provide after school care for ds after he starts kindergarten in the fall. i will probably still register at a daycare near them for drop in care if my mom is sick or out of town. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, so there is always the risk cancer will return and I'll need alternate care arrangements.

I'd like to keep ds at his current daycare until he starts school, but I'm not sure how realistic that is since daycare is 30 minutes from where I plan to live once I find a place.

[asoctoberfalls]

Also, my only debt is my car, but it's a big one - 23k. I am hoping we can break even on the house but I may have to borrow some money to get out of it.

I'm willing to sell my car, but it's about 4k underwater and I'm not sure it makes sense.

[asoctoberfalls]

Mar 18, 2016 12:54:24 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

What about you moving into a rental, a condo or house, and your son stays with your mom during the day? Then you still get to be independent, but you get the savings of daycare? Also, I don't know how divorce papers work, but I would think you will need your STBXH obligated for his share of daycare costs, in case the set up with your mom doesn't work out.

This is the eventual goal. I am just afraid it may take some time to find a rental I like. And as far as daycare costs, I have thought of that. I would prefer if H paid me a set support amount (maybe $300/month?) and I pay all DS's expenses. I don't relish the thought of asking H for money any time ds needs anything.

[glynn]

I would live in my car first but that is me. I talk to my Mom all the time but I do not want to live with her. She would try to (HELP). I would not be able to date and have my own space. DD2 has behavior issued and I do not think Mom could deal with it everyday. She helps with her a lot though.

You could rent a place but still let her help with childcare if you want. I need the boundaries....

[glynn]

You should have a set amount determined by your incomes and DS cost. If you do not have him in daycare your H will not have to pay for that and you will probably have to go back to court to get it unless he just agrees. I put DD2 in FT daycare for this reason even though Mom could get her off the bus right now. My Dad has a lot of health issues and I could lose my Mom helping out at anytime so I put DD2 in daycare for peace of mind.

[stephreloaded]

I lived with my parents for several years with DD.

It was a weird adjustment at first. I think in their minds I was still their little girl, they felt the need to parent me sometimes and it drove me crazy. It was also difficult to make decisions about DD because they felt they had the same say as I do. It was a long road for them to understand and respect me as an adult and as a parent to DD. That's pretty much the bad.

The good:
I was able to save up a lot of money that I ended up using for my long court battle for custody of DD. My parents helped me so much with DD, it was unbelievable. At some points I had a weird work schedule and my mom even would get DD ready for daycare and picked her up every day.

On the emotional side, I was a complete wreck when I came back home. My family helped me get through all those hard times and I will be eternally grateful with them. This created a relationship between DD and my family that I don't think that she would have otherwise. They still help me out with her as her school bus drops her off at their house and they keep her while I come from work. I am currently going to school and I have late classes Friday evening and all morning on Saturday. DD will stay with my parents and they take her tomorrow to her music classes.

[pandora]

If it's a healthy environment for you and yours, if consider it to get ahead a bit. If it will be stressful at all for you or your LO then I wouldn't.

We moved in with my Aunt after losing my Father. I still have nightmares to this day from living there as a child.

[tevagirl]

DD and I live with my parents. It's so nice to have their support. DD goes to daycare 4 days a week and stays one day with my mom, which was our arrangement prior to the divorce. They also watch her frequently in the evenings.

XH did pick up and drop off at their house, but world barely come to the door. I had to bring her out to him. He's living in another state now so we do drop off/pick up at a halfway point.

I only intended to live with them for a year, but XH is not paying child support and I still need evening/weekend care for my second job. It's been almost 2 years...it's been great most of the time.

[verycontrary247]

I moved back in with my parents while I was getting divorced. Ended up staying for about a year and a half while I got my life together/saved enough money to buy my own house and move out.

Aside from not being able to drink or have sex at home, I'd say it was a very positive experience.

[greysgirl]

My son and I live with my parents right now. Ditto the poster that said it gives you a lot more freedom in some ways. I go to the gym before my son gets up in the morning, I can do quick errands and not have to bring him. It sucks in some ways though, my dad and I don't get a long so that obviously complicates things a lot. I also don't feel like a "real" adult sometimes which is hard. It works for right now for the most part but I would like to get out soon.

[clw]

I don't post much but I moved in with my parents during my divorce.  I was also 36 years old and had been living on my own since I was 19.  My mom and I have a tough relationship with a lot of arguing and bickering.  She has a very 50's housewife mentality, doesn't like to leave the town she's in, doesn't drive a car, doesn't swear, etc. etc.  My dad is older (80) and we get along great. Also, my sister's kids were ALWAYS there.  I'm childfree and love my alone time so being in a house where there's people and a lot of commotion was very difficult for me.

So when the time came for me to officially moved out of my ex's house, I came up with a plan with the help of my therapist.  As I walked into my parents house with bags of clothing and personal items in tow, I told her.. I don't want to be here... you don't want me to be here. But I have no choice, I need to be here.  Let's make the best of it, if don't like something that I'm doing, talk to me instead of screaming at me and starting arguments.  I may have sounded harsh and it being my parents house and all, but to make it work, it had to be done.  She complied and I spent 9 months trying to limit my time at their house to mainly just sleeping.


From there house to my job, it was 80 miles round trip and with traffic my drive was at least 90 minutes each way.  On my way home, I'd stop at the gym and work out for at least 1 hour.  I'd go home and nestle into my bed with a book.  On weekends, I'd find things outside of the house to do.  It was tough at times but it worked.  I was able to pay off debt and save a little and after about nine months, I bought a house.  

While difficult at times, it was for the most part, positive.