My Sunday ramble...put yours here too.

[Deleted]

I've actually been so crazy this weekend that I haven't had the chance to check in here until now.

Friday night my coworkers took me out to a bar/restaurant to celebrate my next chapter.  So many people showed up and we had a blast.  They are incredibly generous and did not let me pay for a thing.  One of my coworkers came for the first hour and then had to leave---he paid for everyone's first round (like 25 people) and skipped out--he texted me later that the first round was on him.  On top of all that, my immediate group gave me a very generous cash gift and my boss gave me a very generous check and heartfelt card.  I was touched.  
Saturday--I was hung over and had to be in a class at 9am.  I was hurting.  Then I had to come home and finish packing for today and wrangle cats (that was awful) and bring them to my mom's house.  
So today the movers came. After they left we spend the whole day doing last minute packing of stuff we had on the side to take in our cars, plus bathroom/kitchen stuff.  Then had to CLEAN like a nut.  
Finally, we are settled into my mom's house (where I grew up).  She's not here so that's kind of ok.  The cats are still terrified.  It's sort of weird and cool to stay here during my last week in NY.  I'm feeling nostalgic.  Even though this house has always been a bit....creepy.  It's a very old house. 
My feet and back feel like they are 100 years old.  I haven't been this exhausted since I was in school. 
Thanks for reading this far!

TL;DR
Friday was awesome with coworkers.  Movers came, staying at mom's.  One week until we leave.  I'm tired as fuck.

[Deleted]

Good luck with your move! I think I missed the final update - did you end up buying a house or are you renting for now?

Here's mine, and SO seems like an appropriate place to put this. So I had 2 BFFs when I was in college. One was a few years older than me (maybe 4?) and had a husband and 2 young kids. She was not happy in her marriage and in the course of the three of us BFFs going out to bars, working at a restaurant, etc, my friend cheated on her H. A few times. She had a lot of struggles about it at the time and came somewhat clean with him, though I guess she never told the whole story (like maybe she said she kissed someone when she actually had sex with someone? IDK). She was like 26-27 at the time so old enough to know better, but still pretty young and had been married at 20 so I kind of chalked it up to needing to get it out of her system, she got married too young, etc. My other friend and I didn't condone it, but she was our BFF and I worried about her more than I judged her.

Fast forward 10 years, and as of last June she said things were going really well in her marriage. Meanwhile, my other BFF was going through a gut wrenching separation and divorce with her husband because he cheated on her. The three of us hung out for a few days last June and talked about this a lot, and my cheating friend expressed a lot of remorse for how she acted years ago and was sympathetic toward my friend who was in the midst of a divorce.

So I find out today that cheating friend started cheating AGAIN last August with a new guy, and she is now separated from her H and dating this new guy. And I'm really torn on how I feel about that. I hate judging people for what they do, because I know life and relationships are complicated, and I love my friend and my memories of her. But it also makes me think that she has a serious character flaw. I can't believe that she strung along her poor husband for the last decade plus and then pulled the same shit again. And I can't believe that seeing her friend go through something so similar like 2 months earlier didn't make her think better of her choices.

I mean I think she probably should have left her marriage long ago, so I'm glad she's finally doing that and I sincerely hope that she will be happy now, whether she ends up with this guy or with someone else, because she clearly was never truly happy in her marriage. But...idk.

[abcdefu]

I'm so happy and excited for you @blueyes623!!!

My Sunday ramble...So I have a UTI and I'm about to get my period. I predict that I'm going to be a megabitch tomorrow. I'm on major antibiotics. gag!

I suddenly feel myself having baby fever and it's scaring the crap out of me. I have no clue where it came from.

[cuddlyevil]

DD got her first birthday party invitation from a new friend at school. I am so excited for her.

She asked me if I wanted to get married again and then asked if I had a boyfriend. That was fun...

[dreamcrisp1]

Good luck with your move @blueyes623! Can't believe it's already here.

My ramble is that I found the perfect wedding venue but I want to do the ceremony outside in the cutest courtyard. But since we're doing an October wedding, it isn't guaranteed to be open. And I'm conflicted. I should probably look at the other venue I was considering before we make a decision. If I could be guaranteed the ceremony outdoors, we'd book now. We don't really want to move the wedding up any earlier than September 23 and that's already booked. Which is crazy. It's 18 months in advance!

[sweetchix]

Today my dad came over and we went to see 10 Cloverfield Lane or Drive, whatever it is (it had potential, but the ending was quite a different direction than what I expected). Anyway he came over just before 2 and brought steaks for dinner. I thought we were seeing a 2:00ish showing but he said 4. He wanted to come over earlier and help me steam the bathroom wallpaper and finish taking it down. Well we couldn't figure out how to get the resevoir open and then I accidentally broke a small piece off. I don't know how important that piece is, but I borrowed it from a friend so I hope it will still work without it. Otherwise, I need to see how to get a replacement for her.

Anyway, so we decided to go to Lowe's because my dad insisted we needed a few other things to get the paper down. While we were there I ended up buying the new vanity I had been eyeing for the downstairs bathroom (sale ends tomorrow) as well as a new faucet, towel bars, toilet paper holder, and light fixture. After the movie we tried to get the light fixture up, but the wiring doesn't match up so my dad wants to come back and fix that up.

So, as much as I planned to accomplish this weekend, I got none of it done. Prepared? Yes. Completed? No. And we never did grill up the steaks

[1confused1]

Good luck with the rest of your move @blueyes623,

I posted this in the weekend randoms, but I'm really annoyed by it. XH won't take my daughter to a birthday party on his weekend and won't let me. The kids never get to go to birthday parties on his weekend and it really makes them (and me) sad.


Today would have been our 12 year anniversary. I couldn't be happier that it's not.



I'm not ready for tomorrow to be Monday.

[bl]

@blueyes623 good luck with the rest of the move!!
@buckybells I would feel very conflicted as well. 
1confused1 I just cannot fathom why he would do that (obviously hes an asshole) especially since you offered to do all the work for it. I am not a parent and I am sure this would be horrible parenting, but I would be tempted to tell the kids to act up so much and bug him about it a ton in hopes that he just gets frustrated and wants to get rid of them for a few hours and lets them go. Clearly this is why I am not a parent lol.

[jojoandleo]

@buckybells I had a good friend cheat and it made me feel very conflicted, too. BUT, cheating is what your friend DID, not who she IS. What she did was terrible, and I wouldn't hold back letting her know I thought that. My guess is, she was too scared/insecure/codependent to leave her H. She needed someone else there to help her end it. Which is shitty. She obviously needs therapy and to NOT date to sort her shit out, but, what can you do?

I had to sit and think long and hard about whether her cheating was worth ending our friendship. In the long run, it wasn't. I wasn't in their marriage. I didn't know what all was going on. I DID encourage my friend to go to therapy and figure out WHY she cheated. She made lots of claims about feeling alone/her H not giving her enough affection, but WHY cheat rather than talking to him? My friend is single now and making a lot of good strides to figure her shit out and I am proud of her and proud to still be her friend.

Being cheated on sucks, but not everyone who cheats sucks. People fuck up. No one is as bad as the worst thing they have done.

[arielroux]

I'm struggling a bit. I've been seeing pseudo-bf for 9 months now. He's amazing and wonderful, but I'm starting to feel like I want something more. I'm not even sure what that "more" is, though.

I like my free time, so not seeing him everyday is perfect. We don't even talk everyday, and I'm good with that. I'm in sales, so I'm talking to people all day long at work. I like coming home and not feeling that obligation to call/text if I don't want to.

So I'm questioning myself...What do I want? Why do I feel this way? Do I want some arbitrary label of boyfriend/girlfriend that honestly means nothing and wouldn't change anything?

I don't want to move in with him, I don't want to get engaged, or get married. I'm not thinking about any of those things right now. So what the hell is my problem?

Our situation is truly great the way it is and I have NO complaints about him. I know he cares about me, and I care about him. We're great together, and quite honestly it's one of the best relationships I've ever had. So what is it that I want? I honestly can't tell, and I hate this unsettled feeling. It's just really starting to get to me over the last couple weeks and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what my problem is. Ugh.

[Deleted]

arielroux why is he a pseudo bf? I feel like why fight the label of bf When it sounds very clearly like he is. A label doesn't really change the relationship but it sounds like it would be easier. So I think if you can answer why don't I want to call him my boyfriend you might get some clairty

[arielroux]

Mar 21, 2016 12:30:07 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

arielroux why is he a pseudo bf? I feel like why fight the label of bf When it sounds very clearly like he is. A label doesn't really change the relationship but it sounds like it would be easier. So I think if you can answer why don't I want to call him my boyfriend you might get some clairty

Well, I'm not the one that doesn't want the label - He is.  But I 100% understand what you're saying, and I think your question could definitely be asked of him.  He has this aversion to labeling our relationship for some reason so I don't push the issue.  Though admittedly, we haven't discussed it in a while so maybe his feelings have changed.  I would be fine with it, especially since it DOESN'T change anything, but I think he's afraid that it would. 

I really am torn on it.  On one hand, it won't change things, so why do I need the label?  On the other hand, it won't change things, so why doesn't he want the label? 

I see both sides of the coin.  I feel ridiculous, haha.  I should just enjoy this amazing guy and relax! 

[jojoandleo]

Mar 21, 2016 14:09:38 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Mar 21, 2016 12:30:07 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

arielroux why is he a pseudo bf? I feel like why fight the label of bf When it sounds very clearly like he is. A label doesn't really change the relationship but it sounds like it would be easier. So I think if you can answer why don't I want to call him my boyfriend you might get some clairty

Well, I'm not the one that doesn't want the label - He is.  But I 100% understand what you're saying, and I think your question could definitely be asked of him.  He has this aversion to labeling our relationship for some reason so I don't push the issue.  Though admittedly, we haven't discussed it in a while so maybe his feelings have changed.  I would be fine with it, especially since it DOESN'T change anything, but I think he's afraid that it would. 

I really am torn on it.  On one hand, it won't change things, so why do I need the label?  On the other hand, it won't change things, so why doesn't he want the label? 

I see both sides of the coin.  I feel ridiculous, haha.  I should just enjoy this amazing guy and relax! 

Okay, this is totally anecdotal evidence, but every single guy I have ever known who was all, "Ohhh, why do we need to label it?" was a giant flaming asshole.  Like, if he isn't fucking other people (which, is he?) why does he care if you call him your boyfriend?  The reason there is a label is so you don't have to be all, "This guy I am sort of dating, but can't call my boyfriend because he isn't into labels, called me the other day."  Like, it is way easier to just say, "My boyfriend called the other day."  It's for easy of communicating.  If you are committed to each other, he is your boyfriend, whether he likes the label or not.  Words have meaning.  Should I not call it soap because, "Why the label?"  Should I call it, "That stuff I put on my body to kill germs and make me smell clean."  Come the fuck on, dude.  You know that is a bullshit argument.

And the fact that you are all, "Oh, I should just relax and enjoy him." gives me major pause.  Why does his anti-label bullshit trump your needs to feel secure in this relationship?  I feel homeboy probably is gaslighting you at least a little bit.

[brooke77]

More of a random than a ramble, but - I love living alone. I've lived alone for 9 months now and it is glorious. I don't know if I can ever live with someone again.

[bl]

jojoandleo said what I was thinking, and much better than I would have.

[arielroux]

Mar 21, 2016 14:33:25 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Mar 21, 2016 14:09:38 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Well, I'm not the one that doesn't want the label - He is.  But I 100% understand what you're saying, and I think your question could definitely be asked of him.  He has this aversion to labeling our relationship for some reason so I don't push the issue.  Though admittedly, we haven't discussed it in a while so maybe his feelings have changed.  I would be fine with it, especially since it DOESN'T change anything, but I think he's afraid that it would. 

I really am torn on it.  On one hand, it won't change things, so why do I need the label?  On the other hand, it won't change things, so why doesn't he want the label? 

I see both sides of the coin.  I feel ridiculous, haha.  I should just enjoy this amazing guy and relax! 

Okay, this is totally anecdotal evidence, but every single guy I have ever known who was all, "Ohhh, why do we need to label it?" was a giant flaming asshole.  Like, if he isn't fucking other people (which, is he?) why does he care if you call him your boyfriend?  The reason there is a label is so you don't have to be all, "This guy I am sort of dating, but can't call my boyfriend because he isn't into labels, called me the other day."  Like, it is way easier to just say, "My boyfriend called the other day."  It's for easy of communicating.  If you are committed to each other, he is your boyfriend, whether he likes the label or not.  Words have meaning.  Should I not call it soap because, "Why the label?"  Should I call it, "That stuff I put on my body to kill germs and make me smell clean."  Come the fuck on, dude.  You know that is a bullshit argument.

And the fact that you are all, "Oh, I should just relax and enjoy him." gives me major pause.  Why does his anti-label bullshit trump your needs to feel secure in this relationship?  I feel homeboy probably is gaslighting you at least a little bit.

Man, I don't want to make him sound like a flaming asshole.  He's really not.  He's actually one of the most emotionally available, sweet, gentle, and caring men I've ever dated.  He really is wonderful, and not at all gaslight-y.  Really.  My exH was a gaslighter, this guy is not.  At all.

I'm just saying that I have a tendency to get in my own head and overthink things, and I admitted that we haven't discussed the terminology for a while (a few months, at least), so his feelings very well may have changed since we last talked about it.  His feelings don't trump mine, just as mine don't trump his.  We're equals in this, and he said just as much the other day when we were talking about something completely unrelated.  This is my first relationship post-divorce, so I think sometimes I just still struggle a bit with the lack of security a label seems to provide.  It's been a long time since I was in a relationship that was NOT a marriage, so this is still a newer situation and an adjustment for me.

(Also, no...We're not seeing other people, and haven't been for some time.)

[arielroux]

Mar 21, 2016 15:27:29 GMT -5 mp said:

Mar 21, 2016 14:09:38 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Well, I'm not the one that doesn't want the label - He is.  But I 100% understand what you're saying, and I think your question could definitely be asked of him.  He has this aversion to labeling our relationship for some reason so I don't push the issue.  Though admittedly, we haven't discussed it in a while so maybe his feelings have changed.  I would be fine with it, especially since it DOESN'T change anything, but I think he's afraid that it would. 

I really am torn on it.  On one hand, it won't change things, so why do I need the label?  On the other hand, it won't change things, so why doesn't he want the label? 

I see both sides of the coin.  I feel ridiculous, haha.  I should just enjoy this amazing guy and relax! 

No girl. You should just "relax" and enjoy? Says who? 

If he doesn't want to commit to you after 9 months, HUGE RED FLAG. This is not a scenario where you should just relax if it's not coming natural to you, IMO. If it doesn't sit well with you, trust your gut.

Are you guys even exclusive? 

Usually, if something feels off, it's because it is. Trust yourself. 9 months is enough time to know if you want to pursue something serious or not.

Well, I'm the one who says I need to relax.  He has NEVER told me that.

[jojoandleo]

Mar 21, 2016 15:31:04 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Mar 21, 2016 14:33:25 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Okay, this is totally anecdotal evidence, but every single guy I have ever known who was all, "Ohhh, why do we need to label it?" was a giant flaming asshole.  Like, if he isn't fucking other people (which, is he?) why does he care if you call him your boyfriend?  The reason there is a label is so you don't have to be all, "This guy I am sort of dating, but can't call my boyfriend because he isn't into labels, called me the other day."  Like, it is way easier to just say, "My boyfriend called the other day."  It's for easy of communicating.  If you are committed to each other, he is your boyfriend, whether he likes the label or not.  Words have meaning.  Should I not call it soap because, "Why the label?"  Should I call it, "That stuff I put on my body to kill germs and make me smell clean."  Come the fuck on, dude.  You know that is a bullshit argument.

And the fact that you are all, "Oh, I should just relax and enjoy him." gives me major pause.  Why does his anti-label bullshit trump your needs to feel secure in this relationship?  I feel homeboy probably is gaslighting you at least a little bit.

Man, I don't want to make him sound like a flaming asshole.  He's really not.  He's actually one of the most emotionally available, sweet, gentle, and caring men I've ever dated.  He really is wonderful, and not at all gaslight-y.  Really.  My exH was a gaslighter, this guy is not.  At all.

I'm just saying that I have a tendency to get in my own head and overthink things, and I admitted that we haven't discussed the terminology for a while (a few months, at least), so his feelings very well may have changed since we last talked about it.  His feelings don't trump mine, just as mine don't trump his.  We're equals in this, and he said just as much the other day when we were talking about something completely unrelated.  This is my first relationship post-divorce, so I think sometimes I just still struggle a bit with the lack of security a label seems to provide.  It's been a long time since I was in a relationship that was NOT a marriage, so this is still a newer situation and an adjustment for me.

(Also, no...We're not seeing other people, and haven't been for some time.)

Okay, but what is his argument against calling you his girlfriend?  He doesn't like labels.  Okay.  I get not liking labeling people as a way of "othering" groups of people.  But in terms of RELATIONSHIPS-does he have a problem calling his mom mom?  Cause that is a label.  It's a way of indicating to other people your relationship, not a way to "other" people. 

You would obviously feel more comfortable with having something to call your relationship.  Because not really knowing what you are is rough.  That is understandable.  So if it makes you comfortable and his only reason against it is "not liking labels" (which is bullshit), then I don't see why his illegitimate-flaky ideal of labels trumps your security.  His argument is not valid.

Any time I hear someone "isn't in to labels" for relationships, I roll my eyes.  The only reason people say that is because they don't want to be committed.  No one balks at the term "friend" "mom" "brother" so why fucking balk at "boyfriend."  It's 100% bullshit.  Every. single. time.

[arielroux]

Mar 21, 2016 15:34:36 GMT -5 mp said:

Mar 21, 2016 15:32:49 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Well, I'm the one who says I need to relax.  He has NEVER told me that.

That didn't answer my other question/s. lol. 

Are you guys exclusive? If you're feeling you need to relax, even if he's never outright said that, evaluate that feeling. 

If something feels off, it probably is. If he refuses to get semi serious with something so benign as a boyfriend label at NINE MONTHS... I stand by the huge red flag statement.

We are exclusive, yes.

Nothing feels off...It's me getting semi-worked up over a lack of a label, and that's why I'm thinking I need to relax. Because outside of that, everything is great.  I have absolutely no concerns about anything related to him, his emotions, his behavior, or anything like that.

[doglove]

I think if your gut is talking to you, you should probably listen.

[jojoandleo]

Mar 21, 2016 15:43:55 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Mar 21, 2016 15:34:36 GMT -5 mp said:

That didn't answer my other question/s. lol. 

Are you guys exclusive? If you're feeling you need to relax, even if he's never outright said that, evaluate that feeling. 

If something feels off, it probably is. If he refuses to get semi serious with something so benign as a boyfriend label at NINE MONTHS... I stand by the huge red flag statement.

We are exclusive, yes.

Nothing feels off...It's me getting semi-worked up over a lack of a label, and that's why I'm thinking I need to relax. Because outside of that, everything is great.  I have absolutely no concerns about anything related to him, his emotions, his behavior, or anything like that.

No, dude.  Your feelings are valid.  You are insecure because of his unwillingness to define your relationship.  That is valid.  Don't doubt yourself.

[doglove]

Mar 21, 2016 15:46:01 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Mar 21, 2016 15:43:55 GMT -5 arielroux said:

We are exclusive, yes.

Nothing feels off...It's me getting semi-worked up over a lack of a label, and that's why I'm thinking I need to relax. Because outside of that, everything is great.  I have absolutely no concerns about anything related to him, his emotions, his behavior, or anything like that.

No, dude.  Your feelings are valid.  You are insecure because of his unwillingness to define your relationship.  That is valid.  Don't doubt yourself.

Commitment issues = huge red flag. And yes, unwillingness to define the relationship after 9 months signifies commitment issues IMO. I can see why this wouldn't sit well with you or cause you uneasiness/anxiety arielroux. 

[arielroux]

Ugghhhh, you ladies are right. I'm invalidating my feelings. I do need to evaluate things (myself included) to figure out what I really want from this. And I think a conversation is in order when I see him on Thursday.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Mar 21, 2016 15:46:01 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Mar 21, 2016 15:43:55 GMT -5 arielroux said:

We are exclusive, yes.

Nothing feels off...It's me getting semi-worked up over a lack of a label, and that's why I'm thinking I need to relax. Because outside of that, everything is great.  I have absolutely no concerns about anything related to him, his emotions, his behavior, or anything like that.

No, dude.  Your feelings are valid.  You are insecure because of his unwillingness to define your relationship.  That is valid.  Don't doubt yourself.

It almost sounds like he's leaving himself a back door, in case he decides he wants out, and he can tell himself that you guys weren't that serious, it's not like you were actually boyfriend and girlfriend. But definitely have the conversation, his head may not even be in that space anymore.

[Deleted]

A guy ghosted me about a year ago after he went back to his home after we were working abroad. Like once he reached his home country he just stopped communicating after dating for 6ish months. He said he didn't have a FB. Well he lied about two things. 1. He has a FB and 2. He had a girlfriend of 10ish years!
The truth will always come out in the end I guess. I found him via mutual friend/comments. I cried because it hurt and ruined my memory of him. I don't mess with people in relationships since I was cheated on. I'm VERY glad I did not message him or his girlfriend about what a fuckface he is.

[jojoandleo]

Mar 21, 2016 16:19:00 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Ugghhhh, you ladies are right. I'm invalidating my feelings. I do need to evaluate things (myself included) to figure out what I really want from this. And I think a conversation is in order when I see him on Thursday.

I will say, the flaming asshat comment is from personal experience, and not at all scientific. He may just be scared of the label, or many other things. He may be a nice, thoughtful guy. I just think you DO need to talk about it rather than shoving your feelings aside. Get to the root of why he claims not to like labels and work through it so you can BOTH be comfortable, or you can move on.