No Chill?

[jigsy]

I just finished reading this article, and it spoke to me so I thought I would share for some light Hump-day reading.

I think I have more "chill" than a lot of people, but I still have a hard time being honest about my feelings because I don't want to look crazy.

I have been trying to refrain from calling other women crazy. Though I think it does apply to some people. LOL.


www.manrepeller.com/2016/03/ban-the-big-chill-since-when-did-being-honest-mean-youre-crazy.html

[TR]

Agree 100%. One thing that's happened as I've gotten older is I'm more honest and less apt to just go along. If something bothers me, I'll tell you. If I want something, I'll tell you. Conversely, if something doesn't bother me or I don't want something, please believe me when I say that. This isn't a game and it isn't a test. I expect the same in return from my partner (& friends). It's exhausting trying to play the whole "what did he REALLY mean?" and "Is she REALLY ok with me not coming to her party?" game. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Now, I also recognize that I am a highly emotional person with jealous tendencies. I try to do a certain amount of self-reflection before reacting to some situations because I don't believe that EVERY emotion I have is necessary to express. They're all valid, they're what I feel, but some of them need to be worked through on my own. That's not me pretending to be chill, that's me taking ownership of my feelings and emotions.

[jojoandleo]

Here is the things with being chill (for me anyway)-if I fake it, I WILL explode at some point. And then I WILL look crazy. Because rather than being like, "Hey, H, I really hate it what you are doing with now." It will be, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! I HATE IT. I HATE YOU. FUCK YOUR FACE."

So, it's actually more chill if I just say why I am upset rather than pretending I am not. No yelling or crying. Simply stated feelings/needs. Obviously I haven't completely mastered the art of always speaking up and being honest. I probably never will. Fucking society training me to keep my feelings inside. ASSHOLES!

[jojoandleo]

TR-the older I get, the easier it is for me to speak up about my needs/wants/feelings. I also think looking at my own feelings as if they were the feelings of a friend is helpful. Like, if my friend comes to me all, "I am so annoyed my husband never calls to check in when he is on vacation, but I can't say anything about it because he always fills me in on what happened when he gets back." I can easily see that her feelings are valid. She SHOULD tell him what is bothering her. He likely doesn't know she wants him to check in and would be more than happy to do so for her piece of mind. But, if my friend is all, "I want MH to call me 5 times a day just because." I can be like, "Girl, maybe take that down a notch." I am kinder to others than myself, sometimes. So, looking at it from an outsider perspective is helpful to me.

[bl]

I think I tend to have more "chill" than a lot of people, and definitely more than I did in my early 20's. I have learned to really look at something and say will this matter next week or next year, and if the answer is no, then I 100% truly can just let it go and not be bothered by it. However on the flip side if I think it will matter, even if just to me, then I will absolutely speak up especially in a romantic relationship. I don't care if you think I am crazy because if you are the right guy you will except my crazy.

Where I am not as good with this is with my friendships, I am actually struggling with this right now with a friend. She is incredibly upset with me over something that I really can't control, so she isn't speaking to me right now. She has every right to express her emotions over the situation and I don't want to invalidate them, but I am hurt by the way she is acting, and I feel like if I say anything then I am minimizing her issues. However I feel like if I wait until she is over her piece of it then it is too late to bring up and rehash my issues.

Anyways sorry for the rant/vent it just seemed relevant to the article.

[jigsy]

Mar 23, 2016 11:03:50 GMT -5 TR said:

Agree 100%. One thing that's happened as I've gotten older is I'm more honest and less apt to just go along. If something bothers me, I'll tell you. If I want something, I'll tell you. Conversely, if something doesn't bother me or I don't want something, please believe me when I say that. This isn't a game and it isn't a test. I expect the same in return from my partner (& friends). It's exhausting trying to play the whole "what did he REALLY mean?" and "Is she REALLY ok with me not coming to her party?" game. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Now, I also recognize that I am a highly emotional person with jealous tendencies. I try to do a certain amount of self-reflection before reacting to some situations because I don't believe that EVERY emotion I have is necessary to express. They're all valid, they're what I feel, but some of them need to be worked through on my own. That's not me pretending to be chill, that's me taking ownership of my feelings and emotions.

This is something that I hate. XH always thought I was playing some game or something. Dude, I tell you when something is important, so why wouldn't I tell you if something wasn't a big deal?

But then again, I think it is because there are some people who do play games like that, so how can I blame that reaction.

Honestly, maybe this will get my feminist card taken away but, I think that women kind of created this current man-monster. We (as a whole, not individuals) let dudes get away with so much. And we are so afraid of talking about our feelings because we don't want to be crazy, and we know that there are other sometimes newer, younger women out there who will play along with more chill.

[doglove]

Yeah I realize quickly now in dating that I don't just want to settle for being around someone just to have them around. If I can't be honest and if they can't be honest, I don't want to waste my time anymore. I'd rather be alone than being with someone and just "getting along" with them.

[thedutchgirl]

Very interesting article. I am working on being ok with talking about my feelings and wants, as I have historically not raised them for fear they'd drive people away. So STBX called me easy-going and even-keeled, and he thought I very rarely was upset because I didn't talk about it when I was.

But saying what you want and how you feel shouldn't drive people away. And if it does, it is a reflection on those people, not you (me).

[berbles]

My go-to advice for newlyweds is, "Uncommunicated expectations are premeditated resentments." I wish I had learned this earlier. I wish my mom would learn this.