having a relationship w/someone who has never been married

[Saint Monica]

I worry because I don't think he gets how hard marriage is and how many external forces can negatively impact a relationship.  Maybe I worry excessively.

[TR]

Has he been in any long term relationship before? Lived with someone?

I mean, there are plenty of people whose first marriage works out great and they didn't have first hand experience, you know?

[jigsy]

I think someone can't fully appreciate how difficult marriage can be having never been married - but you also cannot fully appreciate what being married to this new person would be like either.

[daisyn]

My only long term relationship post-divorce was with a guy who had never been married. But I didn't want to marry him either, (or really anyone at this point). Are you speaking hypothetically or are you in a relationship and you want to marry this guy? Or something else?

[Deleted]

If he's had a serious long term relationship where he lived with a SO I think that counts. My BF hasn't been married, but has lived with a couple of previous SO's.
And to be honest, my marriage was less than a year and a total of 3.5 years together with Xh. I've had longer serious non married relationships than that. The only difference was we had a piece of paper and it cost some money for us to officially break up.

[cuddlyevil]

If he's had a serious, long-term relationship then he's got an idea of what marriage is like. But it still won't be an accurate picture because it wouldn't what marriage would like if you two were married kwim? Every couple is different and every marriage is different.

[Deleted]

I was married but it was terribly unhealthy. I don't think it did anything to better prepare me for another marriage aside from knowing when a relationship is the suck and I need to get out. I would know to get out now way before marriage was on the table. Other dating experiences and I actually think close friendships and family relationships coupled with therapy have done way more toward preparing me for another serious relationship

[Deleted]

I don't think this matters at all.

My BF was married before - for a week. Then his wife died in an accident. So while that "counts", they never went through a lot of the crap that comes with a long term, living together relationship. Then he dated someone later and lived with her for about a year before they broke up.

We've been together 2.5 years, have lived together for about 2 of those, have joint finances, and basically function as though we're married. Despite the lack of marriage experience on his part, he's much better at it than my XH was or probably ever will be.

I think with the right relationship, you figure it out, and no 2 relationships are going to be the same anyway. I'm not the same person in my current relationship as I was in my marriage, either. I do think I'm a lot better partner after being married, but it could partly be because I'm WITH a better partner and that makes being a good partner easy.

[stephreloaded]

I have been engaged but have never been married or lived with a SO. I think for relationships, there are things that are far more important than experience.

[pandora]

I don't think you can judge on never been married. Never ever had a serious relationship and if one is of a mature age could be a red flag but not always. We were all never married or had a serious relationship at some point and people stay married for life after marrying their 1st love so you just never know.

If someone is in their upper 30's into 40's or 50's then I might take pause but meh, there's no rule in dating and you really have to get to know someone a bit first. I know people who finally met their life long spouse in their 30's and this was their 1st serious relationship...most of them were so focused on their education and starting out their careers to be dating and they had no time. My career owned me for a long time and I dated others who were basically married to their careers too so nothing ever got serious enough. It happens. I don't think it matters or is a red flag.

[starburst604]

My H was married before, I was engaged but never married before. It's never been an issue, our marriage isn't that marriage.

It's funny because I feel like he's so much more patient and tolerant with me than I am with him. He doesn't really talk badly about his XW but I know her temper and the way she talked down to him was an issue. I've joked with him before that I need to be nicer or he will leave me and he's like "believe me, you are NOTHING like that". So she must have had some serious anger issues, because I can be a real PITA.

[pinkdutchtulips]

i wouldn't pass someone up bc they've never been married, a LTR would suffice.

[spedrunner]

I agree. I feel this same way when dating.   I think I'm being very judgemental but that's just how I feel. 

[TR]

For those of you who wouldn't want to be with someone who hasn't been married, I don't really understand. Should everyone get married once and then divorce in order to be dateable? That...doesn't really make any sense.

[Deleted]

I agree TR and I'm also curious what the magical cut off is for it to be unacceptable that you haven't been married and divorced yet.

[glitzyglow]

I think a long-term relationship can have the same nuances of a marriage, and I don't think external forces affecting a relationship are exclusively understood only by those who have been married (perhaps thankfully so).

[riverpestie]

My husband was in his 40s when we first met and he had never been married. He had been in a couple of long-term relationships, so he knew about some hardships in relationships and whatnot.