Article: The Untangling of Our Parents' Financial LIves

[dr.girlfriend]

My dad, ironically, sent me this article.  I know a bunch of you have been struggling with this.  My dad is great about sending me a list of accounts periodically, but he's got a lot of foreign investments and stuff that I hope he sells off before I ever have to deal with them.
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The Difficult Delicate Untangling of Our Parents' Financial Lives

“No, no, no, don’t transfer me to her again,” pleads my wife.

It is a typically frustrating moment in our family crisis, one that many grown children will have to face, ready or not: We are people in our 50s who are unraveling the finances of parents who can no longer do it themselves.

My wife, Julie, is on the phone with the company where her 82-year-old dad had once worked, trying to change the direct deposit of his pension checks to a bank closer to the assisted-living home where he and his wife now live, which is near us in Pennsylvania. Again and again, she is transferred to the person in charge, “Rose.” And every time, the same recording: “This number has been disconnected.”

www.wsj.com/articles/the-difficult-delicate-untangling-of-our-parents-financial-lives-1459130770

[farfalla2011]

This maybe should be in a thread of it's own, but it is related and I'm curious people thoughts. I was told a while back that I would be the one to handle all my dad & step-moms "stuff" when the inevitable day comes that they can no longer do it or when they are no longer around. They are both in reasonably good health and they are 63/64, so it'll be a while (plus my dad is never going anywhere ). I know they don't have a lot of assets, my dad is almost fully counting on social security to retire in another 3-5 years and I'm sure they have some debt in addition to the house they just bought a couple years ago.

Should I try to start having more detailed financial conversations with them now so I have an idea of what I'll be getting myself into in the future? I have a feeling it could be messy because I know they aren't real great with money, but I also don't want to butt in too much and over-step my boundaries. I should also add, they would never ask for help or money to cover things, they are just not that way, but, I worry about their future and being able to sustain the next chapter in their life. If yes, how in the world do you even approach the topic?

[ssmjlm]

farfalla2011, I don't think it's ever too early to know where everything is and what you need to be worried about first.

Thankfully my Dad, having learned from the maze of his parents financial situation (similar depression era, multiple accounts) had everything streamlined and I just need to call his FA for the accounts other than his bank.

[Awkward]

Great read. My parents went through this with my grandfather before he passed a few years ago. The part about being transported to an era of bankbooks and random bits of paper definitely rings true. The upside is after my parents went through that, they took steps so they won't have the same kinds of issues down the road.

[aurora]

Mar 28, 2016 9:12:45 GMT -5 farfalla2011 said:

...
Should I try to start having more detailed financial conversations with them now so I have an idea of what I'll be getting myself into in the future? I have a feeling it could be messy because I know they aren't real great with money, but I also don't want to butt in too much and over-step my boundaries. I should also add, they would never ask for help or money to cover things, they are just not that way, but, I worry about their future and being able to sustain the next chapter in their life. If yes, how in the world do you even approach the topic?

I'm grateful that my dad is big on telling me what he thinks I need to know about their financial picture, and has been for years. I don't know exactly how much $ they have, but I know which assets list my sister and I as "Transfer on Death" (so they don't have to go through probate) and I have a list of their various accounts and contact info and a copy of their wills and living wills. It's really reassuring to me to know that if the worst happens that I will know where to get started with their care and finances.

Do you think your parents would be willing to put together a list of holdings and contact info for you, even if they don't want to get into details of amounts? They don't even have to give you the list, just tell you where they are putting it. They should include bank accounts, mortgage lender, retirement accounts, SSN, and anything else they think is relevant. You can always tell them one of your friends told you her parents did that for her.

[mrsukyankee]

My FIL had a ton of investments but didn't keep great records. We had to hire someone to untangle it all. I can say it was a HUGE pain. We also had to find all his records, which were all over the place. It took a year. We've now figured out my MIL's investments and her bank accounts and my H is signed onto all of them so that when she passes we won't have to deal with as much hassle. My FIL kept pushing my H away and saying things were organised...we wish H had pushed more.

[farfalla2011]

Mar 28, 2016 12:10:30 GMT -5 aurora said:

Mar 28, 2016 9:12:45 GMT -5 farfalla2011 said:

...
Should I try to start having more detailed financial conversations with them now so I have an idea of what I'll be getting myself into in the future? I have a feeling it could be messy because I know they aren't real great with money, but I also don't want to butt in too much and over-step my boundaries. I should also add, they would never ask for help or money to cover things, they are just not that way, but, I worry about their future and being able to sustain the next chapter in their life. If yes, how in the world do you even approach the topic?

I'm grateful that my dad is big on telling me what he thinks I need to know about their financial picture, and has been for years. I don't know exactly how much $ they have, but I know which assets list my sister and I as "Transfer on Death" (so they don't have to go through probate) and I have a list of their various accounts and contact info and a copy of their wills and living wills. It's really reassuring to me to know that if the worst happens that I will know where to get started with their care and finances.

Do you think your parents would be willing to put together a list of holdings and contact info for you, even if they don't want to get into details of amounts? They don't even have to give you the list, just tell you where they are putting it. They should include bank accounts, mortgage lender, retirement accounts, SSN, and anything else they think is relevant. You can always tell them one of your friends told you her parents did that for her.

These are very good suggestions! And definitely within the realm of comfort of our relationship I'll have to make a point to call and talk to my dad about it all. I hate living so far away from him, I always just want to chat to catch up/keep up with him. Real conversations aren't near as fun.

[Deleted]

Great article!

My boss has a packet of materials for her daughter should she become incapacitated. It has all the details of what she needs to do, who she needs to call, etc. It is kept in the possession of my boss, but her daughter knows where to find it should she need it.

My parents are pretty private and fully capable of running their own finances, but after FIL passed and we dealt with that unexpected blow, I asked them to put together a packet for us and also a will. I feel like asking them to give me account access at this stage would make me look like an asshole, but I'm happy as long as I can easily obtain the information.

MIL refuses to set anything up. I suppose when something happens to her it'll be a major clusterfuck. Kind of like how she notified is on the day FIL died that they "accidentally" cancelled his life insurance.

[aprilsails]

I know my IL's have a 'little black book'. It includes a section on what to do in the event of their death and all contact information and medical information. They put it together 8 years ago when FIL had a serious motorcycle accident. DH and I use the same investment bankers, lawyers and accountants as them anyhow so it would be fairly easy for us to get information.

Since then I have suggested to my own parents that I would appreciate it as the executor of both of their wills if they and my Stepparent's did the same. Just a list in an email I could save would work. I have no idea if they have assembled this, but I certainly haven't received any emails. They all thought it was a great idea though. I don't want or need any real financial information, although an outline of medical directives would be good so I would know their wishes immediately in the event of an emergency (I am MPoA for both my IL's since they don't trust their sons to not be overly sentimental).

DH and I are going through the process of updating our own wills and life insurance policies right now. I am planning on sending my Sister an email to be saved with contact points once we are done.

[raangoli]

After my mom had her heart attack last year, I told her I wanted to sit down with them and understand everything. When I had to help dad while she was hospitalized, it was very confusing and (seemingly) disorganized. But that hasn't happened yet. I wanted to do it before I had a baby but that happened sooner than I thought so it's been tabled again. I need to bring it up again.

[Alex]

I work with the elderly exclusively and can't stress enough that it is never too early for a Power of Attorney. POAs are much cheaper and easier than having to go through the courts for a Committee.
I can't change the benefit deposit bank account of a 100 year old senior without actually talking to them.

[evans]

I shared this article with DH yesterday and he passed it on to his father. I told him to push the binder of info because his dad has been pretty private about his finances in the past.

[UnderProtest]

I know my parents have tried to simplify things because of the mess that they went through with both my grandmothers. But they are so secretive about their finances that they will never give me open access to things. They did add me to their safe deposit box the last time I was home. That was a big step for them. It is also complicated by the fact that my brother and I don't speak and supposedly we will split the estate. I care less about the money that sentimental things.

[dr.girlfriend]

Mar 29, 2016 3:39:54 GMT -5 RockNVoll said:

My MIL was very organized and had a binder full of info, which she created after taking a class on the topic that was given at her retirement community. She also walked DH through where all her stuff was while she was still in good enough health to do so and had created a trust, will, etc. Even with all that planning it took us over a year to settle her estate.

Even though we're "young," DH and I should probably put this stuff together in case something happens to us. Thankfully, my parents' financial life is relatively simple and either my sister or I have been added to their accounts and have logins, etc., plus they were pretty receptive to putting together an estate plan when I brought it up a few years ago.

You only have to go through this once to realize how helpful and important it is to have these conversations before you need the info.

This is a good point. I know we are used to thinking about this for parents, but someone from my generation just died in our family.  It was out of the blue -- he was totally fine one minute and dead five minutes later. He was in his early 40's, the sole breadwinner, and had 3 kids in elementary school. Luckily he was really great about getting things set for his family financially, but I can't imagine the disruption if he hadn't -- I can't imagine those kids not only losing their father at a young age but potentially losing their house and private school and all their friends.

[shortstax]

Great article. Thanks for sharing.

It's amazing how much I do take for granted that every monday morning I spend 10 minutes logging in to all of my accounts and update a spreadsheet with balances. It takes no time at all to see my whole financial picture. I can't imagine digging backwards through bankbooks and what not.

[miniroller]

My family has seen both sides of this- maternal Gma not only had a binder full of financial info, she also had little post-it's with names (mostly kids & grandkids) so we knew the recipient of special antiques. Her death was unfortunately slow, painful, & expected
My paternal grandmother, OTOH, was an entirely different story. Her death was sudden & although she was 83, she was in great health/ still regularly volunteered, & unfortunately, hadn't done anything prep-wise.

SO I'm currently watching my mom struggle to lessen my father's hoarding piles & keep everything as maintained, record-wise, as possible. I hate that it's almost a daily struggle against my dad's constant collection tendencies. They're so different, but it's almost identical to their mother's (non) organizational ways & it's quite obvious who came from whom

Forwarding this article to both, & we'll see. Thanks for sharing!

[simpsongal]

I think my folks' affairs are in decent order - they did a bit of an overhaul as they headed into retirement. I would like a definitive list of accounts - I don't think they have many (like 3 maybe?)

I'm more concerned w/the task of going through all their stuff. They're not hoarders, but my goodness, a lifetime of possessions adds up. I've been gently encouraging my mom to tackle some of the family photographs. Heck, I wouldn't even know who the people are in the really old ones. My brothers live far away, so all of this will inevitably fall on me (the girl, go figure....). I need a day to go through my old room and make a toss/donate/keep pile.

[drloretta]

This makes me glad my dad learned from his mom's death what sort of info his kids will need when he gets old/sick/dies. He now has a binder that we just have to refer to, and it has all the information we will need.

MIL is another matter. DH is her only child, and she's given us a single handwritten sheet of where stuff is. I hope it's enough.