This dating thing is hard.

[rightawaynow]

I am a single mom and my son is almost three. I met a guy online and I really like him. We have been on a few dates and things are going well and progressing slowly which is a pace I am comfortable with. I've only been in one relationship since I've had him and it was a disaster. The new guy has asked questions about my son's father and I've told him it is complicated and I'm not ready to talk about it yet, he's been totally respectful and hasn't asked again. It's going to be a long time before he meets my son, but my son was conceived aa result of a fairly serious sexual assault. His biological father is in prison for a long time. He was convicted of assault with intent to kill as a result of the incident and several other charges including being a habitual felon. I never prosecuted for the rape because I have no memory of the incident and the only proof I have that it happened is the fact that I got pregnant. Biological father has no idea my son exists. I do have some subconscious memory of the assault and certain things during sex will trigger a panic attack, ex.. holding my wrists etc. I don't know how to share this information, I feel comfortable with this guy but it just seems so heavy. I want things to be light and fun, but he needs to know this before we have sex. I didn't have to broach this topic with my ex, we were friends even before I got pregnant so he already knew all the specifics when we got together. Ugh, maybe I'll just stay single.

[jenstar]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't know if it's good advice but I guess if it were me I would just keep taking it slowly until you feel you can trust him with something heavy like that. Real honest relationships can't stay light and fun forever because real life isn't like that. If you feel like you're ready to sleep with him maybe just tell him that you aren't ready to share the full story yet but that there are some things you need him to avoid. I'd try and have the conversation in advance in a place where you feel comfortable and safe. x

[housewife]

I am very sorry that happened to you. It is a heavy topic and it's a part of your story, but it doesn't define you. Any guy worth his salt will understand that. I would take it slow and tell him a little at a time. You could start with saying that he's in jail and why. Then work your way up to you being a survivor of one of his crimes. Do you have a therapist? Telling your story to someone new and having a sexual relationship with them may trigger some PTSD.

[bl]

I am so sorry that happened to you. I agree that a good relationship can't stay light and fun forever, so bringing this up eventually will be good. A therapist might be the best bet to help you navigate this as I imagine the best way on how to have this conversation in a way that feels safe to you is different for everyone.

[thedutchgirl]

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I agree a therapist may be a valuable resource in how to discuss with the guy you are seeing or other new relationships.

[sacattack]

Oh my! Like others I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Dating is hard in general and we all have a history. I think you continue to build your relationship and get to know each other. What happened to you was in no way your fault and any good guy will understand that, so I wouldn't fear his reaction. But I get the concern about having something heavy to discuss - I have some medical issues and when DH and I started dating it weighed on me about how to discuss it. I don't remember exactly when but I did tell him early on because I didn't want to get too attached and get hurt if it was a deal breaker. I did it over text, because that was easier for me and gave him every chance to back out. He didn't care, but doing it that way gave him the time to process it without me right there. That approach may not work for you, but I wanted to share that option in case it might. At the time I was so glad I did it when I did, because it was all I could think about and I felt so relieved once it was out.

[rightawaynow]

I was in therapy for two years, I stopped because she and I felt I had made really great progress. It was a long time before I could have a normal sexual relationship, but I can with some safety measures in place, etc. I'm not scared of the actual sexual relationship aspect of it and I'm not really scared to talk about it, I just don't want to. If I don't tell him before we have sex, I won't enjoy it and if I have a panic attack neither will he. I get the sense that this guy is going to be totally understanding, I just get pissed at my rapist all over again every time I think about having to share this information. It pervades every aspect of my life, I do crisis counseling for dv victims as a volunteer and I've talked to other woman who got pregnant as the result of a rape. I think when I talk to them about choices it makes it a little hard for them to take me seriously when we discuss options. The director of the program assures me it simply offers a unique perspective. I'm glad he's rotting in jail, but hell would be better.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have no experience in this area, but wanted to give you hugs. I agree with some of the others about maybe just taking it bit by bit.

[glitzyglow]

I wish I had great advice, but all I can offer is hugs and support for whatever you decide to do. A therapist might be able to help you work through how to talk about it, etc.

[jigsy]

I am sorry.

Have you ever listened to Dan Savage? I know that he has broached this subject several times on his podcast, and he seems to give thoughtful advice. I think Episode 478 is one of the instances I am thinking of, but I could be wrong.

Your past is yours, and you get to choose how and when to share it. If you are worried about having a panic attack during sex, you can tell him that x, y, and z are off limits - you shouldn't have to explain if you don't want to, a respectful partner will not ask for an explanation.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure he needs a full explanation prior to sex. I think you're allowed to say "I want it like X. I don't like X" or "I feel better when X happens" "I don't feel comfortable when people touch X but I like it when Z happens". You don't owe him an justification on why XYZ is a no go. You can also text about it prior. like I'm not big into bondage etc etc but I love xyz. Kinda prep him without discussing what you hold personal.

For me, I also joke like "If you put your hand on my head this will be your last BJ ever from me" Like in a light hearted joking/sarcastic way and if they feel like they need to touch me then I put their hand on my shoulder as an alternative. It's hard for me to correct verbally and I usually just move their hands etc. if I can't joke about it. I've just had to blurt out "please don't touch my neck" and move on if they don't get the hint.

As far as kid goes, the only think you need to say is that DD's bio dad is not in your lives and likely will never be. It's okay to explain further down the road if that's what you feel you need.

[glynn]

Sorry hugs... Good advice above.

[sherbanator]

I have nothing to add in the way of advice, but I just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry that happened to you. ((Rightawaynow))

[heywhat]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with this. I am a sexual abuse survivor and it totally sucks. I have similar issues with certain actions during sex that cause me to freak out (I cannot have anything over my face).

There is no "right" answer for when you need to tell the new guy about your past. If you're thinking about having sex with him, you're obviously comfortable with him and there is some level of trust. If you don't want to have the heavy talk right now, other poster's suggestions of having a quick talk prior to sex about how you are not into physical restraints is a good place to start.

I am pretty sure I waited a while after my boyfriend and I started dating and having sex before telling him. Being able to be that vulnerable with someone is a really intimate thing, and it took a little while for me to get there.

I have told other past boyfriends before and some of them did not respond well to it. In some cases they were judgey(?) or it made them uncomfortable(?) and obviously affected the way they thought about me. That was a good sign our relationship might now work out. I also told other people who had
zero reaction/compassion at all. Again, kind of strange and an indicator things might not work out. So, finding out this guys reaction earlier, rather than later (like not in 2 years) might be beneficial before getting heavily emotionally invested.

I think when you tell him you need to be prepared for him to ask questions, but you can explain there may be some things you aren't ready to talk about yet. Based on the fact that he hasn't pressed you on other issues, it seems like the conversation might go ok. Would writing a letter be easier?

I've lurked on this board a little bit, but your post inspired me to get an account. You are not alone.