What about these scenarios..

[jenstar]

Trying to help @pdx18 keep the board active now that I am delving into the dating world..

Scenario 1: You meet someone and you hit it off, there's chemistry and attraction and you have similar values etc, can easily see a future together etc BUT he has very little in the way of income or assets (but is perhaps working on a project that could be a success).. Would that be a concern for you, or would you just be happy to find someone you could happily spend time with? Say he's mid-30s so not just starting out, and you are decently set up yourself..

Scenario 2: Same as above, meet someone great etc etc BUT one of you lives in the burbs and the other in the city and you have no plans of moving (say you share custody of a child who is settled) and he likes where he is.. Wait and see where it goes and then reassess or call time when you realize neither is interested in relocating?

[sweetchix]

Apr 13, 2016 5:43:29 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Trying to help @pdx18 keep the board active now that I am delving into the dating world..

Scenario 1: You meet someone and you hit it off, there's chemistry and attraction and you have similar values etc, can easily see a future together etc BUT he has very little in the way of income or assets (but is perhaps working on a project that could be a success).. Would that be a concern for you, or would you just be happy to find someone you could happily spend time with? Say he's mid-30s so not just starting out, and you are decently set up yourself..

Scenario 2: Same as above, meet someone great etc etc BUT one of you lives in the burbs and the other in the city and you have no plans of moving (say you share custody of a child who is settled) and he likes where he is.. Wait and see where it goes and then reassess or call time when you realize neither is interested in relocating?

Scenario 1: This may sound shallow, but I have 2 kids to support. I don't have the time, or the money, to also support a grown man. So I would have to pass on him.

Scenario 2: I have a stipulation in my custody agreement that I cannot move outside of a certain area. Thank you asshole XH. The only reason I agreed to have it added was to avoid the high costs of going to court for a custody battle. The good news is that if I wanted to move, and XH said no, a judge could override his answer if it best suits DDs. Anyway, I am NOT a city girl, total suburb girl. Snd DDs are currently enrolled in the best school district in the area so I would not be moving out of this area at all anytime in the near future (DD2 is in 1st grade so it will be a while). So anyone I would date seriously would be aware of that and if they didn't like it, then that would be their problem.

[TR]

Scenario 1: This was my situation with XH. I think it really depends on the person and it will take time to figure out whether he's really motivated, but just needs to get started or if he'll never have that internal motivation to do better. Looking back, I should have waited to see if he would ever be self-sufficient.

Scenario 2: If both are saying absolutely not under any circumstances would I move, then I'd call it. But if it's a "I would move for the right person" kind of thing, then I'd see where it goes and reassess if/when things get serious.

[bl]

#1 I think it would depend on why he has very little. XH had little ambition and I made 75%+ of our HHI (and I did not make that much money when we first got together), and sometimes he was unemployed altogether. I was miserable and it caused a huge divide between us because I carried all the burden and he just didn't care. If that seemed to be the case no amount of values or chemisty would have helped long term. Now if he has ambition, is trying, has potential, wants to work toward being a contributing partner, and everything else is there I would see where it goes.

#2 If it is an absolutely neither would ever move then that is your answer. If there is a maybe, then I would give it a little time, but I would have to REALLLY like the person. I was very clear with current bf that I was not moving back to the city we both used to live in and while I felt a bit selfish I knew that was my hill to die on and there was no point in dating if he wouldn't eventually move. Luckily he was open to moving.

[housewife]

Apr 13, 2016 5:43:29 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Scenario 1: You meet someone and you hit it off, there's chemistry and attraction and you have similar values etc, can easily see a future together etc BUT he has very little in the way of income or assets (but is perhaps working on a project that could be a success).. Would that be a concern for you, or would you just be happy to find someone you could happily spend time with? Say he's mid-30s so not just starting out, and you are decently set up yourself..


Depends what "very little" is. I made a career change about a year ago that started me at the bottom of the pay scale (at the time it was NBD because XH was the breadwinner). I can support myself, but I have to budget. If they were in a similar spot, ok.

If they were Lily's Dad from HIMYM and trying to sell board games.. No, I need someone that can hold their own. 

Scenario 2: Same as above, meet someone great etc etc BUT one of you lives in the burbs and the other in the city and you have no plans of moving (say you share custody of a child who is settled) and he likes where he is.. Wait and see where it goes and then reassess or call time when you realize neither is interested in relocating?


Wait and see where it goes. Keeping my kids in their schools is my hill. 

[redshoejune]

Apr 13, 2016 6:17:23 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Apr 13, 2016 5:43:29 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Trying to help @pdx18 keep the board active now that I am delving into the dating world..

Scenario 1: You meet someone and you hit it off, there's chemistry and attraction and you have similar values etc, can easily see a future together etc BUT he has very little in the way of income or assets (but is perhaps working on a project that could be a success).. Would that be a concern for you, or would you just be happy to find someone you could happily spend time with? Say he's mid-30s so not just starting out, and you are decently set up yourself..

Scenario 2: Same as above, meet someone great etc etc BUT one of you lives in the burbs and the other in the city and you have no plans of moving (say you share custody of a child who is settled) and he likes where he is.. Wait and see where it goes and then reassess or call time when you realize neither is interested in relocating?

Scenario 1: This may sound shallow, but I have 2 kids to support. I don't have the time, or the money, to also support a grown man. So I would have to pass on him.

Scenario 2: I have a stipulation in my custody agreement that I cannot move outside of a certain area. Thank you asshole XH. The only reason I agreed to have it added was to avoid the high costs of going to court for a custody battle. The good news is that if I wanted to move, and XH said no, a judge could override his answer if it best suits DDs. Anyway, I am NOT a city girl, total suburb girl. Snd DDs are currently enrolled in the best school district in the area so I would not be moving out of this area at all anytime in the near future (DD2 is in 1st grade so it will be a while). So anyone I would date seriously would be aware of that and if they didn't like it, then that would be there problem.

Ditto this

[thedutchgirl]

1. I make good money. I don't want to take care of anyone else. I'd like to say I wouldn't mind, but realistically if we weren't in at least sort of the same place with respect to levels of success, I don't think it would work for me at this point.

2. At this point, I don't want to get married again, or even live with someone else in my space, so this would be totally fine with me. I'd like to keep my own place and have him keep his place..

[Deleted]

1. I think it would be deal breaker. I dated a guy last year who had super tight finances and we couldn't really do anything unless I paid for it. And I mean anything like grabbing a happy hour. I eventually broke it off for multiple reasons but this was a factor.

2. I never want to live with someone again so this is fine. I don't mind driving back and forth as needed. But I have vowed to never leave the city again. I lived in the suburbs with my ex and it really wasn't for me. I'm a city girl and won't budge on that for anyone. But I am happy to continue living separately.

[doglove]

I'd probably pass on both of these scenarios.

[Linie]

As I don't want to live with someone or share assets, I wouldn't mind either scenario. My new man has cash flow problems at the moment, but he is very generous and has a great place, so it's not really a problem.

I don't mind going over to another part of town, but if I have to drive 30km outside the city to meet someone, it could become boring. I used to live 30 km outside the city with STBXH and I started to hate it.

[glitzyglow]

Scenario 1: I'd probably give a him a chance and assess the situation as time passed, although it strongly depended upon whatever his "project" was or what field he was in. I don't date the musicians here because, well, I don't think most of them will make it big, so if his project was music or whatever, I'd pass. Working on a dissertation because you've been in school for 10 years? Fine by me.

Scenario 2: I don't have children, so that's not an issue for me. Where I live, it's not a huge deal to get the suburbs and back to the city. If I were in LA or some place similar, I'd pass.

[stephreloaded]

Scenario 1: You meet someone and you hit it off, there's chemistry and attraction and you have similar values etc, can easily see a future together etc BUT he has very little in the way of income or assets (but is perhaps working on a project that could be a success).. Would that be a concern for you, or would you just be happy to find someone you could happily spend time with? Say he's mid-30s so not just starting out, and you are decently set up yourself.. It depends on what potential he has. I think in my country is likely that someone is in a bad spot because of the economy. As long as the guy has a career job and I see that he is hard working, I could work with that. As long as he does have a college degree because otherwise, it is highly unlikely to make more than minimum wage.

Scenario 2: Same as above, meet someone great etc etc BUT one of you lives in the burbs and the other in the city and you have no plans of moving (say you share custody of a child who is settled) and he likes where he is.. Wait and see where it goes and then reassess or call time when you realize neither is interested in relocating?
It depends on how far we are from each other. I guess if things get serious, there will be compromises. I don't think that opinions about living in the city or in the suburbs are always permanent. 

[1confused1]

Scenario 1: You meet someone and you hit it off, there's chemistry and attraction and you have similar values etc, can easily see a future together etc BUT he has very little in the way of income or assets (but is perhaps working on a project that could be a success).. Would that be a concern for you, or would you just be happy to find someone you could happily spend time with? Say he's mid-30s so not just starting out, and you are decently set up yourself..
 I make more money than the last 2 guys I have dated and it seemed like if we wanted to do anything, I was paying.  I won't be doing that again.


Scenario 2: Same as above, meet someone great etc etc BUT one of you lives in the burbs and the other in the city and you have no plans of moving (say you share custody of a child who is settled) and he likes where he is.. Wait and see where it goes and then reassess or call time when you realize neither is interested in relocating?
 I had this exact situation happen, we live about an hour away from each other and it made dating so difficult (we also had opposite visitation schedules, so that didn't help).  We dated for about 6 months and then decided to call it quits, the distance and the fact that neither of us were considering moving was a deal breaker.

[jenstar]

Apr 13, 2016 9:19:12 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

1. I think it would be deal breaker. I dated a guy last year who had super tight finances and we couldn't really do anything unless I paid for it. And I mean anything like grabbing a happy hour. I eventually broke it off for multiple reasons but this was a factor.

I actually think this would be my biggest concern in this situation.. I want to spend my DS free time doing fun things and having adventures and I would be concerned that he couldn't afford to do anything fun that costs money.. I don't see myself having to provide for someone who is basically self sufficient though, I wouldn't move in with someone like this until they could pay their own way, unless maybe I strongly believed in what they were working on and it became serious..

[jenstar]

Apr 13, 2016 10:22:31 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

It depends on what potential he has. I think in my country is likely that someone is in a bad spot because of the economy. As long as the guy has a career job and I see that he is hard working, I could work with that. As long as he does have a college degree because otherwise, it is highly unlikely to make more than minimum wage.

The guy I am thinking of in this scenario actually has several degrees and I'm sure lots of skills I'm sure he could use to make more money if need be, but he has taken a risk to go out on his own to develop some unique software. He seems highly motivated and is working hard to make it happen, so not like sitting around waiting for a stroke of luck..

[katieido]

I think I'd like to try to find a better match financially than I was with my ex. He doesn't have to be a baller, I just want us to be more evenly matched. It was a strain to have to carry the family, and in the end I resented his inability to contribute. I was in denial about the impact of the inequity of the situation for a long time but in some respects it was probably one of many factors (though not the primary factor) in our splitting up.

I don't see the second scenario bring a huge deal breaker for me at this time. I'm extremely fresh off my divorce, i do not know whether I will want to remarry or move in with someone in the future. As the mom of a young child, this hypothetical situation would not occur for some long time if ever.

[arielroux]

Scenario 1: it really depends on the details. If he had an established career, and left it to start something new, and maybe doesn't have a lot because he's pouring it into the new venture? I think I could handle that. If he has just generally been unsuccessful monetarily and jumps from one thing to the next in the hopes of finding a pot of gold at some point? Not ok with that. I don't want to enter into a relationship having to support someone right off the bat at this point in my life. Sorry, not sorry. I need someone who can contribute. I worked hard to get where I am, and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't afford to do anything. You don't need to be making it rain, but you need to be stable.

Scenario 2: doesn't really matter to me because I don't have kids. However I think I'd give it a chance, and not jump the gun on thinking about moving just yet. You probably wouldn't do it for some time, and if that time came, things could change between now and then. Maybe he'd be willing to move to the city. Maybe you could get your ex to agree to a change in the custody order (can you do that? Is that a thing?) I say just go with it for now, enjoy it for what it is, and if you get to the point where moving in together becomes an option, you'll probably have a loooottttt of convos about details first. It could end up being a non-issue!

[jenstar]

Apr 13, 2016 19:05:02 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Scenario 1: it really depends on the details. If he had an established career, and left it to start something new, and maybe doesn't have a lot because he's pouring it into the new venture? I think I could handle that.

This is basically the situation.. he has put a lot of years into other paths, including completing m ed school and then deciding not to continue as a doctor because he believes he can make a larger impact doing what he's doing now. Which I think is great, and maybe it will pan out and be successful but who knows really? I am definitely in favour of people doing what they are passionate about, but I wonder to what extent lol

[whatnext]

I wonder for those who say in scenario two if they don't like it's their problem would their reaction be the same if the man had primary custody of his own children. It seems that parents think us without children should suck it up or they get outraged when we're not interested in dating them, but these are some of the reasons and I think they need to ask would they be more willing to compromise if he had children

[arielroux]

Apr 13, 2016 19:30:43 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Apr 13, 2016 19:05:02 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Scenario 1: it really depends on the details. If he had an established career, and left it to start something new, and maybe doesn't have a lot because he's pouring it into the new venture? I think I could handle that.

This is basically the situation.. he has put a lot of years into other paths, including completing m ed school and then deciding not to continue as a doctor because he believes he can make a larger impact doing what he's doing now. Which I think is great, and maybe it will pan out and be successful but who knows really? I am definitely in favour of people doing what they are passionate about, but I wonder to what extent lol

Yeah, this is so tough...because it's great to try what you've always wanted to do, and try to be fulfilled. I really think it's great when people just go for it,
and I support that completely. BUT. And I hate that there's a but. But how long do you support it if it's not panning out? How long do you give it before you have to call it and say it's not working? Ugh, it's a tough call. I don't envy you for being in that situation.

it would be amazing if it was just successful right from the get-go, right?! Like it's that easy, lol.

[jenstar]

Apr 13, 2016 20:11:46 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Apr 13, 2016 19:30:43 GMT -5 jenstar said:

This is basically the situation.. he has put a lot of years into other paths, including completing m ed school and then deciding not to continue as a doctor because he believes he can make a larger impact doing what he's doing now. Which I think is great, and maybe it will pan out and be successful but who knows really? I am definitely in favour of people doing what they are passionate about, but I wonder to what extent lol

Yeah, this is so tough...because it's great to try what you've always wanted to do, and try to be fulfilled. I really think it's great when people just go for it,
and I support that completely. BUT. And I hate that there's a but. But how long do you support it if it's not panning out? How long do you give it before you have to call it and say it's not working? Ugh, it's a tough call. I don't envy you for being in that situation.

it would be amazing if it was just successful right from the get-go, right?! Like it's that easy, lol.

Right!? haha It's ok, it's not really a situation yet anyway, mostly hypothetical, I was just kinda wondering what other people would do. I know at this point I'd ideally like to find someone who I can have more kids with and I don't really want to wait to find out whether someone's business idea is successful before doing that, since the clock is ticking

I just don't want to waste my time or anyone else's, but at the same time I'm conscious of writing someone off too quickly! It's a delicate balance I guess!

[sharknado]

Next time, I'm marrying for money. Does that help?

[stephreloaded]

Apr 13, 2016 16:16:18 GMT -5 jenstar said:

Apr 13, 2016 10:22:31 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

It depends on what potential he has. I think in my country is likely that someone is in a bad spot because of the economy. As long as the guy has a career job and I see that he is hard working, I could work with that. As long as he does have a college degree because otherwise, it is highly unlikely to make more than minimum wage.

The guy I am thinking of in this scenario actually has several degrees and I'm sure lots of skills I'm sure he could use to make more money if need be, but he has taken a risk to go out on his own to develop some unique software. He seems highly motivated and is working hard to make it happen, so not like sitting around waiting for a stroke of luck..

I would date the guy. 

[sherbanator]

Scenario one I'd try to keep it friend with benefits. Then I could enjoy the chemistry and attraction without caring about his money situation. I'd probably make a better friend than a gf to that person.

Scenario 2...same. lol.

I think that these answers are based on the fact that at this point in time the thought of dating makes my stomach turn. I'd have to reassess in a year when I'm in a better place emotionally.

[Deleted]

1. really depends on what it is. Before I met my SO I may have disqualified someone for this, but my SO is a PhD student and before that, he worked in a homeless shelter. So he's behind on assets and makes a grad student salary, but he's also really frugal, doesn't expect to buy anything outside his means, and is working really hard toward something meaningful and that will result in a decent job. So I don't have a problem with that, at all. Between us we're financially comfortable and can do whatever we want/need to do (within reason) so I have no complaints. He works much harder than I do, which probably helps my attraction despite the financials because I'm constantly amazed with how much he's really doing.

2. if I really, really didn't want to move, ever, I think I'd pass. I also don't really want to have to drive far every time I want to hang out. I suppose if there was a super strong connection MAYBE I'd make an exception, but I wouldn't probably get as far as finding that out because I'd likely just reject based on that alone. There are plenty of guys who live where I do, I'd rather focus on them.