I'm annoyed with myself.

[glitzyglow]

(in the spirit of posting more, my contribution today:)

I went on a date last night. This guy is exactly what I've said I wanted in the past and if you described him to me, I'd be like, hell yes!

He is finishing up his PhD at a very respected school in a very lucrative field. Very articulate, well-spoken, and thoughtful. Great sense of humor. European. We had very easy conversation for 5 hours. Nice guy, great conversation, worldly, smart, polite, funny, charming, etc., and yet, I didn't feel any romantic spark or physical attraction (and he's not bad looking at all).

I feel like maybe I've set the bar too high, but it's hard not to because I know the chemistry I'm looking for is out there. In 4 years of dating, there is one guy that sent my chemistry into the best kind of meltdown and it was immediate. It was insane. And yet, the guy I had crazy chemistry with isn't emotionally available so I cut him loose. But I keep wanting that connection again, where I feel giddy just in someone's presence, like in awe of his existence. Is that unrealistic of me? Can I have it all or do I need to rein in my expectations?

And I do plan to see the guy again that I went out with last night in hopes maybe my chemistry radar will get its shit together.

[bl]

Sometimes I think that meltdown giddy chemistry isn't always good long term and the slow build is better.

I was not at all attracted to current bf when we met since we were just friends and I was dating his roommate. but we did get along very well. However the night we hooked up the first time the chemistry was off the charts and it blindsided me because I wasn't expecting it. The chemistry is still there, but it is much more even keeled with little bouts of I want you right this second.

I don't think you should settle for someone that you never build chemistry with, but it might be okay to not feel that meltdown type right away.

[Deleted]

I have no idea what it feels like when people say "we had a spark" "it was fantastic chemistry". Perhaps I"m more of a slow burn girl? I'm glad you're giving second chances.

[bg]

It sounds like you have a good plan in terms of seeing if the chemistry will build. Do YOU have any sort of walls up?

[glynn]

I had this not to long ago. Everything was there except chemistry. I could take it or leave it and did not want that so I ended it.

[redredwine]

My first date with my now husband was like this. I wasn't sure there was a spark or chemistry, but we talked forever and I liked him enough to go on a second date...i wasn't even sure halfway through date #2 there was chemistry, but by the end of the night, I just couldn't help but love his personality and therefore, I felt great chemistry.

So, my point being, it may be worth a date #2 so it's good you're going out again!

[TR]

Apr 13, 2016 11:42:42 GMT -5 bl said:

Sometimes I think that meltdown giddy chemistry isn't always good long term and the slow build is better.

I am definitely a believer in this now. I have made bad decisions and stayed involved with guys who were wrong for me because of crazy chemistry. The highs were high, but whew, the lows were pretty damn low. I like what I have now

[arielroux]

Apr 13, 2016 12:29:09 GMT -5 TR said:

Apr 13, 2016 11:42:42 GMT -5 bl said:

Sometimes I think that meltdown giddy chemistry isn't always good long term and the slow build is better.

I am definitely a believer in this now. I have made bad decisions and stayed involved with guys who were wrong for me because of crazy chemistry. The highs were high, but whew, the lows were pretty damn low. I like what I have now

I also believe this 100%.

I've found that the guys with whom I've had that immediate "can't keep my hands to myself", high school kind of hormone-raging chemistry just turn out to be bad ideas after a few dates.  In my experience (and my experience only, so this is a total anecdote), that feeling fades really quickly, and then I'm left with a "wtf was I thinking" feeling. And some regret for not getting to know them better before jumping into it. 

Yet every time I get that feeling, I still am convinced that this time will be different.  It never is, lol.

If you like the guy, give him a shot.  He might surprise you!

[TR]

Apr 13, 2016 12:35:31 GMT -5 arielroux said:

Apr 13, 2016 12:29:09 GMT -5 TR said:

I am definitely a believer in this now. I have made bad decisions and stayed involved with guys who were wrong for me because of crazy chemistry. The highs were high, but whew, the lows were pretty damn low. I like what I have now

I also believe this 100%.

I've found that the guys with whom I've had that immediate "can't keep my hands to myself", high school kind of hormone-raging chemistry just turn out to be bad ideas after a few dates.  In my experience (and my experience only, so this is a total anecdote), that feeling fades really quickly, and then I'm left with a "wtf was I thinking" feeling. And some regret for not getting to know them better before jumping into it. 

Yet every time I get that feeling, I still am convinced that this time will be different.  It never is, lol.

If you like the guy, give him a shot.  He might surprise you!

With one guy, mine didn't fade at ALL, but over a year and a half I kept putting myself out there for him and getting hurt, but I couldn't stop. It was seriously like an addiction. That's literally how I think about it now, lol.

[doglove]

Apr 13, 2016 12:29:09 GMT -5 TR said:

Apr 13, 2016 11:42:42 GMT -5 bl said:

Sometimes I think that meltdown giddy chemistry isn't always good long term and the slow build is better.

I am definitely a believer in this now. I have made bad decisions and stayed involved with guys who were wrong for me because of crazy chemistry. The highs were high, but whew, the lows were pretty damn low. I like what I have now

Yeah there's something about that roller coaster chemistry that I think makes the relationship addicting, but not always healthy. Maybe give this guy a few more dates and see if you can build anything more if there are a lot of good qualities here? 

[arielroux]

Apr 13, 2016 12:40:36 GMT -5 TR said:

Apr 13, 2016 12:35:31 GMT -5 arielroux said:

I also believe this 100%.

I've found that the guys with whom I've had that immediate "can't keep my hands to myself", high school kind of hormone-raging chemistry just turn out to be bad ideas after a few dates.  In my experience (and my experience only, so this is a total anecdote), that feeling fades really quickly, and then I'm left with a "wtf was I thinking" feeling. And some regret for not getting to know them better before jumping into it. 

Yet every time I get that feeling, I still am convinced that this time will be different.  It never is, lol.

If you like the guy, give him a shot.  He might surprise you!

With one guy, mine didn't fade at ALL, but over a year and a half I kept putting myself out there for him and getting hurt, but I couldn't stop. It was seriously like an addiction. That's literally how I think about it now, lol.

Yes!  Addiction is the perfect descriptor.  It's awful!  I hate that feeling of knowing it's not healthy for you, but you.just.can't.stop.

[jigsy]

Apr 13, 2016 13:16:20 GMT -5 mp said:

I downloaded this today and meant to send it to jigsy . Instead I'll post it here

This quote is nice...but not helpful to me. I don't want to go into it, because I feel like it will sound very "you don't know my lyfe!" ...but for me, chemistry has never been about butterflies and adrenaline, but it's all about how easy everything is. How easy conversation feels, how easy it is to laugh, how easy it is to feel like myself, how everything just seems to fit without trying to make it work - all while feeling that attraction and pull to know more. Once you have something that is so easy on so many levels, it seems like it should have to be hard work...if I have already met 3 people that I feel like fulfill me like that, I can imagine there are so many more out there - Why force something? 

That is what I mean by chemistry. glitzyglow, only you know if this is something you would have to force. I think we always know if there is more there - I know I've met people who are good on paper, but there would just never be more, and that is ok. I've also met people where it may not be instant, but I can definitely feel that there is SOMETHING there worth discovering. 

Jigsy out.

[Deleted]

mp I really like that quote, and to me it describes what jigsy describes as chemistry for me. I've found for me that often times the person who seems perfect "on paper" ends up coming up short for me. It's usually a person who meets some, but not all of what I want in partner that I've had the most success with.

The new guy is sort of a geek who works at a tech company, lives in the burbs and isn't a foodie. So far I've had the most fun with him than anyone I've dated and we've had the most in common. So I guess that's to say that maybe try to give more men a chance? (I know that's the most annoying advice every). But once, I stopped analyzing it and was like sure! and took a chance on more people I found more success.

[bl]

I don't think things like basic conversation, wanting to know more, or being around them should be forced, and while that is a type of chemistry, I think what glitzyglow was describing is more of a spark. A spark to me is what can develop and is not (for me) something that needs to be intense.

[TR]

Apr 13, 2016 13:31:32 GMT -5 jigsy said:

Apr 13, 2016 13:16:20 GMT -5 mp said:

I downloaded this today and meant to send it to jigsy . Instead I'll post it here

This quote is nice...but not helpful to me. I don't want to go into it, because I feel like it will sound very "you don't know my lyfe!" ...but for me, chemistry has never been about butterflies and adrenaline, but it's all about how easy everything is. How easy conversation feels, how easy it is to laugh, how easy it is to feel like myself, how everything just seems to fit without trying to make it work - all while feeling that attraction and pull to know more. Once you have something that is so easy on so many levels, it seems like it should have to be hard work...if I have already met 3 people that I feel like fulfill me like that, I can imagine there are so many more out there - Why force something? 

That is what I mean by chemistry. glitzyglow , only you know if this is something you would have to force. I think we always know if there is more there - I know I've met people who are good on paper, but there would just never be more, and that is ok. I've also met people where it may not be instant, but I can definitely feel that there is SOMETHING there worth discovering. 

Jigsy out.

Well, it kind of sounds like you agree with the quote. Chemistry isn't the meltdown, heart pounding, can't think straight feeling. The second part of the quote sounds like what you're describing - everything being easy.

[glitzyglow]

mp, I think calling the desire for strong chemistry "unhealthy" is a bit extreme. Obviously I'm not so inclined to disregard all men after one date who don't elicit the same response that chemistry guy did and I can recognize that I should give them a chance, thus why date #2 is already scheduled with the guy from last night. I think unhealthy would be me fixated on that one guy, never moving on, waiting for him, and leaving dates after a short time if men don't meet that standard.

Wishing I had that kind of chemistry again with someone and wondering if I might be putting too much emphasis on it makes me very healthy, I think, as far as self-awareness and introspection are concerned. I can also recognize that after 5 hours with the guy last night, I had no desire to kiss him or to be touched by him. I reached out here because I want to hear if others were in the same boat and things changed for them once they spent more time with someone. In my own personal experience, this has not happened for me, but I'm not ruling out the possibility that that could change at any time if I keep my options open.

I'm more annoyed with myself that my chemistry with people seems few and far between, even basic chemistry of kissing, touch, etc. My roommate is the type of person who can get to know someone and find her attraction level grow over time. That's not happened to me, but again, I'm trying to be open. I mean, I have even had friend chemistry where I meet someone and think, "Damn, I need to know this person!" I want that to happen on dates, damn it, but I feel like it rarely does.

[jigsy]

Apr 13, 2016 13:54:33 GMT -5 TR said:

Apr 13, 2016 13:31:32 GMT -5 jigsy said:

This quote is nice...but not helpful to me. I don't want to go into it, because I feel like it will sound very "you don't know my lyfe!" ...but for me, chemistry has never been about butterflies and adrenaline, but it's all about how easy everything is. How easy conversation feels, how easy it is to laugh, how easy it is to feel like myself, how everything just seems to fit without trying to make it work - all while feeling that attraction and pull to know more. Once you have something that is so easy on so many levels, it seems like it should have to be hard work...if I have already met 3 people that I feel like fulfill me like that, I can imagine there are so many more out there - Why force something? 

That is what I mean by chemistry. glitzyglow , only you know if this is something you would have to force. I think we always know if there is more there - I know I've met people who are good on paper, but there would just never be more, and that is ok. I've also met people where it may not be instant, but I can definitely feel that there is SOMETHING there worth discovering. 

Jigsy out.

Well, it kind of sounds like you agree with the quote. Chemistry isn't the meltdown, heart pounding, can't think straight feeling. The second part of the quote sounds like what you're describing - everything being easy.

Right...I just know why mp was going to send it to me. that's why I don't agree it applies to me.

[TR]

Apr 13, 2016 14:15:33 GMT -5 jigsy said:

Apr 13, 2016 13:54:33 GMT -5 TR said:

Well, it kind of sounds like you agree with the quote. Chemistry isn't the meltdown, heart pounding, can't think straight feeling. The second part of the quote sounds like what you're describing - everything being easy.

Right...I just know why mp was going to send it to me. that's why I don't agree it applies to me.

Ah haha, gotcha.

[bl]

glitzyglow I think I get what you are saying now and I don't really have any advice. I have always been a person that can be attracted to a person based on their personality and how they treat me. There have definitely been instances where I have no chemistry with a person and want them to stay far far away, but more often than not if we get along great and have all the things you described above about your date I would 100% be down for a kiss at the end of the night. I don't think either way is good/bad, but I can see the frustration in what you are feeling. Can you pinpoint what you think is missing with him?

[formerlyak]

My ex and I had tons of spark and passion from the beginning. But when the honeymoon period was over and real life kicked in and the spark wasn't there all the time, it turned into an issue for him which turned into an issue for us.

With dh, we had a first date like you describe. And I was definitely interested in getting to know him better. But it wasn't like "bam! spark!" Now, on date two ... fireworks! But, five + years later, we have days of fireworks and days of good conversation and days where we drive each other batty. But since our relationship was never based on spark, but more based on our ability to have a good honest conversation with each other, the bad days don't matter like they did with my ex.

I say see if you get the slow build. It may be worth it.

[jigsy]

glitzyglow, I think it is great that you are going on a 2nd date, but I also wouldn't beat yourself up that the "perfect on paper" guy isn't doing it for you. I feel like it isn't too much to ask for you to feel SOMETHING. I think that something is different for everyone, but you know what it is to be interested in someone. I don't think that you have only ever felt the all in crazy chemistry, or nothing at all. I just think it is easier to remember how that crazy chemistry feels.

But, you have to make sure that you are open to your own signals, you know? I think sometimes when we are not ready, nothing will happen because we have a wall up. If that doesn't apply to you, then I think it is also ok to just admit that this guy may not be what you need.

IMO, I find it is the people who bring something unexpected to be the most exciting. If my life worked out the way I thought I wanted it to, with the person I thought I wanted, it would probably be pretty dull TBH.

[jenstar]

I don't really know about the crazy chemistry, I guess I have never really felt all that relaxed when I've been around someone like that. A spark is definitely necessary but I agree with PPs that sometimes that isn't instant. I really want to find someone I feel calm and relaxed around from the very start, I feel like that would make it really easy for chemistry to build.

I hope things will progress on the second date glitzyglow

[Deleted]

I think it's worth a second date.  After that, you'll decide if he may have some potential.  One date is sometimes hard to judge by.

[Deleted]

I'd go on the second date.

I will say I've never been on a date where the person wasn't "good on paper." I'm just not going to waste my time with a deadbeat. And I've dated those good paper guys when the sparks didn't fly and I've dated them when it was a fireworks show. The slow burn is nice, but I need sparks. A connection. Things can be happy enough without them, but current BF is only the second man in my dating history to make me feel this way. Sparks all the live long day, with a deep, slow burn in between.

[Linie]

I had a slow build with my current BF. First time we met, we talked a lot, but I didn't have the impression that there was a spark. When we met the second time, I was thinking "this is a very smart, funny and interesting man"; still no spark.

I have always fallen for smart and interesting. Now, 2 months later, I get butterflies when I think of him.

Good luck!