must vent about baby daddy

[formerlyak]

I haven't been on this board in a while, but I need to vent about my ds' dad and know many of you ladies will understand.

Ex calls this morning and asks to talk to me. I get on the phone and he tells me about this "great opportunity" where he booked a commercial and they asked if ds (he's 9) wants to do it with him. Then he proceeds to tell me he's already talked with ds' teacher and the teacher is ok with it. This set me off, because we have joint legal, but I have primary physical custody and feel he and I should have had a conversation about it before he went to the teacher requesting the day off. It is a field trip day, but DS has an after school commitment he'd need to be released from. I said that might be an issue and ex basically said "forget it".

I thought more about it and figured out how we might be able to work it out, so I got back on the phone and started to explain and asked a few more logistical questions (work permits, pay which in the industry requires a trust account, etc.) and said I don't want this to set a precedent about skipping school, and should be a one time thing. Ex goes on the defense and starts yelling at me and demands I put ds back on the phone.

After, ds asked why we were fighting. I explained it to him and ds said if we could work it out, he'd like to do the commercial. I said, "Ok, let's call your dad and figure it out." Then ex yells at me for involving ds in the conversation and hangs up on me. I figure if ds wasn't interested, there is no sense jumping through all the hoops. And ds has asked that he get to make more of his own choices with our guidance, so I figured this was a perfect opportunity.

So I get to work and email him saying I am really fine with ds doing it, but we need to talk with the after school commitment and get the information we need about work permits, pay and account requirements, etc. I get a response back that he doesn't want him to do it anymore because it is now "caked with bad energy." And that he will just explain to ds that he thought more about it and agrees that he shouldn't let his team for the after school thing down. WTF?

My girlfriend, who works in the industry and knows all the ins and outs of a kid being in a production and knows him well (we all used to be friends), said he likely didn't think of all the logistics and when he realized it wasn't a "show up with the kid and just have fun" kind of deal, he needed an out and is now just making me look like the bad guy. This is ex's MO.

Anyway thanks for reading ... any thoughts on how to deal with the fall out once ex tells ds he isn't doing the commercial now and it is my fault?

[1confused1]

This sounds like something my xh would do. And, fwiw, it's not your fault, your ex should have worked this through with you before mentioning anything to your son.

I would just explain that you and his dad hadn't thought through everything and it just wasn't going to work out this time.

[formerlyak]

I honestly would have been ok with him talked to DS about it before talking to me to see if DS was interested at all, as long as he told ds that there are a lot of logistics involved and he would only get to do it if we could work it all out. DS is totally capable of understanding that sometimes a plan doesn't work because of some obstacle. It's the fact that he talked with his teacher and got her permission for ds to miss school before he even told me about the opportunity and asked me what I thought about him missing school.

[thedutchgirl]

I don't have kids, but there whole reaction sounds just like what my STBX would do too. It is so frustrating.

Some people just do everything possible to avoid being at fault for anything.

[stephreloaded]

He needed to talk to your first and figure things out and THEN talk to DS. I would have been pissed if he talked to the teacher first. Also, I know that I might be in the minority but I don't think kids missing one day of school here and there is the end of the world as long as it's justified.

[sherbanator]

How frustrating, hopefully he takes some responsibility at least in his own mind so he learns from this.

[formerlyak]

stephreloaded - I was actually less concerned with missing school in this case than I was with him missing his after school commitment (rehearsal for a musical he is in that only has 3 more rehearsals before the week they open). The day of the shoot is a field trip to a college campus for the kids to learn about college options. His dad and I both work at universities and DS does a summer camp on a college campus every summer, so he already knows about college options. His teacher used to work in the industry and thinks it will be a good learning experience for him, so she is ok with him missing this particular day.

We did talk with the stage manager and director of his musical, and they gave the ok.

Ex decided to talk to me today. Probably because it turned out to be a good thing DS knew about it since his teacher asked him about his work permit yesterday after school Since I told DS about it, at least Ds knew what in the world she was talking about. Once ex heard that, he kind of shut up.