Kids and their wedding etiquette these days.

[BlondeSpiders]

First off, I should say I worked in the wedding industry for about 7 years. I had a custom invitation business, and if you were the type to spend $8-15 per invitation for something really special, you'd come to me.
Because invitations were my business, I kept up on all the required etiquette. Some clients would be brides and their mothers who would already know the social graces around weddings, and some were young couples who didn't know. I always felt it was part of my job to make sure people knew what the expected etiquette was, and guide them. I tried to gently steer them away from committing any obvious faux pas, but in the end, they are the client and I did what they asked. Most people were glad for my advice, and some insisted on cards with registry codes from 5 different department stores.

I shut down my business 6 years ago, mostly due to the tanking economy. So now I get to enjoy weddings purely from a guest point of view.

My boyfriend's cousin got married last fall and I'm still grumpy about some things related to her stationery.

The save-the-date was very nice, and arrived in plenty of time. I was a little grumbly about a 5pm wedding on a Friday, but since we had to fly down to NorCal anyway, NBD. 

The invitation had an insert with cutesy wording about how they live together and already have everything they could possibly need, so could you just give us money? We'll be thinking of you as we sun ourselves on the beach in Maui. (Or something close to that.)

Ever since I put myself through the wedding ringer in '04, I always give money. I know it's what the B&G want anyway, so why not. I just don't like being told to give money. We gave them a lovely card with a crisp Benjamin inside. (A reasonable amount for the type of wedding and venue.)

The kicker (for me anyway) was the thank-you card that was a Vistaprint photo collage and a printed "thank you for coming to our wedding." Nothing personal was written on it at all, and I was pissed. How freakin hard is it to say something personal? For people that came from out of town to see you? I actually remember a time when printed thank you cards were considered gauche, and the proper way to express thanks was a handwritten note from the bride's personal stationery set.


My boyfriend thinks I'm ridiculous and has accused me of being too negative and complainy.  I'm just annoyed because I see manners and etiquette taking a backseat to greed and convenience.

Get off my lawn!

[dorothyinAus]

I would be a bit aggravated as well, but maybe it's a sign of the globalization of the industry.

Not long after I moved to Australia, we were invited to one of DH's cousin's weddings. The invitation arrived with a card with registry information, and I thought that was a bit tacky, coming from my American ideas. So we went to the store and bought a gift off the registry and had it delivered to the happy couple. We went to the wedding and there was a gift on the table at my place, but not DH's and not anyone else's. It was a bottle stopper and a bag of Jordan almonds with a pre-printed note "Thank You for Celebrating with Us."

I waited months for a Thank You note and never got one. At one point I was discussing things with my MIL and mentioned that I was still waiting on a Thank You note from the bride & groom and she laughed at me. "But you got the bonbonniere, didn't you?" I was confused. Apparently the gift on the table WAS the thank you note.

Even with the different customs, I still feel slighted that I did not get an actual Thank You note. We've since been other weddings in Australia, and I have not gotten Thank You notes for the gifts, though I did get little bags of Jordan almonds or other candy. Now that I know I won't be getting a note, I don't expect one, but I still feel there is a serious breach of etiquette going on.

[aMrsin09]

I insisted on proper stationery, my Aussie husband didn't agree but went with it.

I am STILL irritated that I didn't push harder for names and addresses from him because now I know there absolutely were relatives that should have received an announcement (wedding was on 14 people total, immediate family only).

I handwrote thank you cards on formal stationery, again being given a raised eyebrow, but pfft to him. His boss was thankful for the announcement with a picture (they were in Switzerland) and super impressed fro the thank you card. So impressed, that in addition to their very generous cash gift for the wedding, they gave me/us a considerable cash gift "to help H's new wife get settled in Europe and enjoy her time here."

H doesn't argue with me about formalities so much anymore. He even sometimes checks with me on it too. 

[moolarkey]

We recently attended a family wedding. We love this niece, she's one of several girls in that family, the first to get married. They invited 350 people. There wasn't any save the date..... I began to think we weren't getting invited, maybe they'd decided to do a very small wedding. Then we got the invitation,

It was regrets only (for 350 people?)
Music started at 4:40
Wedding at 5

Bride ended up calling, emailing, or FB messaging each invitee to see if they were coming.

Apparently there were 2 invitations sent.... Some got invitations that said the wedding was at 4, some said it was at 5. We got the 5, so does that mean there was an A and B list and we were B? Wouldn't all invitations have gone in the mail at the same time so everyone would have gotten the 4?   Did they just mail them as they had postage or got a bunch done? I don't know but another SIL got the 4 PM, didn't get informed it was at 5. They showed up for the 4 PM ceremony. The groom's mother said the invitation she had said 4......

Sometimes it pays to be bothered with RSVP cards, the hassle, the expense. The one thing I'd suggest (and we did it for DDs wedding) number each RSVP card. Write the number in the lower left corner of the back in pencil or light ink) and keep of list of who that # is, many RSVP cards come back without a name on it and this way you still know who it's from.

Our nieces wedding was nice, the reception was great. The food was really good, it was pretty, really good music. But the invitations let a lot to be desired.

[mags]

I wrote all my thank you cards on our honeymoon. As soon as we got home, they were mailed. it took a few hours. I just don't understand the lack of a simple thank you. My kids have always had to send thank you cards for any gifts. I hope they have learned to keep that tradition going.

[sweetcheeks]

My sister didn't talk to my daughter for years, due to her late mailing of thank yous for her bridal shower. My daughter lives in NC and flew up for the shower. One of her bridesmaids kept a list of who gave what gift, and the list was advertantly put in a bag with some of the gifts. When we got back to my house, we couldn't find the list for her to take back with her, in order to write thank yous.(The gifts themselves remained in my house until after the wedding). It turned out, my sister, who had offered to take some of the gifts from the restaurant, had the bag with the list, and it was two weeks until she gave it to me. I scanned it and emailed it to my daughter, but she was busy with end of school year stuff (she's a teacher) and planned to do them once school was out. By then, the wedding was 2 weeks away, and she was back in NJ, running around with last minute wedding stuff, and never got to them. Yes, she was wrong, and I told her so.

After the honeymoon, she wrote the bridal shower thank yous, and put them in the same envelope as the wedding thanks yous, with a short 'sorry these are so late' note on them. Yeah...not good enough for my sister. She carried on to anyone who would listen about how rude my daughter was. Between that, and other issues, my sister stopped talking to me as well. We didn't start talking again until three years later, and it was probably another year until she spoke to my daughter.

[sweetcheeks]

And the irony of the thank you saga above, is my daughter handwrote all her thank yous, both bridal shower and wedding, with a personal mention of the specific gift and how it would be used. My sister's daughter, who got married the year before, sent pre-printed thank yous and didn't even bother to actually sign them - their names were pre-printed as well.

[10nille]

I've actually gotten thank yous written by the groom. My son wrote out the thank yous to his side of the family and friends. On the other hand, there have been couples who haven't acknowledged a gift in any way, not even an email to say we received the gift.

sweetcheeks your cartoon is my sentiments!!

[sweetcheeks]

Apr 17, 2016 11:02:18 GMT -5 10nille said:

sweetcheeks your cartoon is my sentiments!!

Right? There have been times I've had to step away from any kind of news coverage to keep my blood pressure under control. Then I get sucked in, and it starts all over again.

[TBM]

We wrote thank you notes as the gifts arrived (many were sent before the wedding), and after we returned from our honeymoon we finished opening gifts and wrote those thank you notes right away. It really took very little time to write all of them and get them sent out.

I wasn't as good about being consistent with my daughters as I should have been about having them write thank you notes when they were young, but they are both very good about it as adults. They were both sticklers for proper etiquette with their own weddings, so I guess I did something right. Right now one has a bil getting married soon, and she keeps complaining to me about all of the breaches of etiquette so far.

We have a nephew who got married last April. They asked for money for their honeymoon on their invitation, and the invitation was not to their actual wedding, it was for a potluck pre wedding party the night before. Their plan was to have a small ceremony the next day, but the way that it was worded just made me feel like it was a we want your money and your food, but you don't mean enough to us to have you at our wedding. The party was early on a Friday night, and DH would have had to take vacation days, we would have had to fly across the country, and it wasn't even the wedding. I wouldn't have gone, but it was kind of nice that it wasn't even an option with DH's work schedule at that time, and we already had plans for guests that week.

[Deleted]

Apr 17, 2016 18:30:36 GMT -5 tillie said:

One of my pet peeves!

I also wrote my thank yous on my honeymoon. I think my mom would have killed me if I didn't, lol.

My mom too, but I guess we were raised in a different era. Fortunately, my daughters are pretty good about writing thank you notes. It's kind of a lost art from my perspective. sweetcheeks, I can't imagine a sister who would sever a relationship over a thank you note. I guess there are extremists at both ends of the etiquette discussion. I'm sorry she cut you out for so many years.

[FormerlyRR]

When I lived in (on?) Long Island 14+ years ago, I was told "calm down, as soon as they get pictures back we will get a thank you." And it would be this annoying wallet picture of the B&G in a preprinted card. exH got pretty heated when he found out that I tossed them in the trash after they hung out on the fridge for a week or so. 
So.damn.tacky.

[FormerlyRR]

TBM, I remember that story when it happened. I promise I'm not a stalker.

[sweetcheeks]

Apr 17, 2016 21:35:49 GMT -5 @courtneyl said:

Apr 17, 2016 18:30:36 GMT -5 tillie said:

One of my pet peeves!

I also wrote my thank yous on my honeymoon. I think my mom would have killed me if I didn't, lol.

My mom too, but I guess we were raised in a different era. Fortunately, my daughters are pretty good about writing thank you notes. It's kind of a lost art from my perspective. sweetcheeks , I can't imagine a sister who would sever a relationship over a thank you note. I guess there are extremists at both ends of the etiquette discussion. I'm sorry she cut you out for so many years.

It wasn't just the thank you card...and probably the least of it.  The tension had been rising between us for several years, and wanting to keep the peace in the family, primarily due to our daughters' weddings, we swallowed our hurt and anger until it finally just exploded after the second wedding. While she did complain to me about the lateness of the thank you (before she stopped talking to me), it was afterwards, when she would go on and on about her issues with me (while the rest of the family was telling her she was totally over-reacting) that the thank you card was included. She was called out on that by everyone, saying I wasn't responsible for what my daughter did or didn't do.

The real ridiculousness was her not talking to my daughter for 4 years. My daughter holds a grudge forever, and their relationship is permanently damaged. All over a stupid thank you card, that in the big picture, is pretty meaningless.

[Deleted]

Apr 18, 2016 18:40:31 GMT -5 sweetcheeks said:

Apr 17, 2016 21:35:49 GMT -5 @courtneyl said:

My mom too, but I guess we were raised in a different era. Fortunately, my daughters are pretty good about writing thank you notes. It's kind of a lost art from my perspective. sweetcheeks , I can't imagine a sister who would sever a relationship over a thank you note. I guess there are extremists at both ends of the etiquette discussion. I'm sorry she cut you out for so many years.

It wasn't just the thank you card...and probably the least of it.  The tension had been rising between us for several years, and wanting to keep the peace in the family, primarily due to our daughters' weddings, we swallowed our hurt and anger until it finally just exploded after the second wedding. While she did complain to me about the lateness of the thank you (before she stopped talking to me), it was afterwards, when she would go on and on about her issues with me (while the rest of the family was telling her she was totally over-reacting) that the thank you card was included. She was called out on that by everyone, saying I wasn't responsible for what my daughter did or didn't do.

The real ridiculousness was her not talking to my daughter for 4 years. My daughter holds a grudge forever, and their relationship is permanently damaged. All over a stupid thank you card, that in the big picture, is pretty meaningless.

I suspected such. It was a lot more than the card. You never know what will cause anger to escape sideways.  Nevertheless, I'm sorry relationships were damaged. 

[frannyr]

Well tacky and bad manners can happen at any age!

My little 2nd cousin is getting married and just had her shower. Not only did I get a handwritten thank you note but she really personalized it with a private joke and wrote a lovely sentiment about how important it was that I would be there. I was touched at how sweet it was.

[ECB]

Apr 15, 2016 17:32:38 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

The kicker (for me anyway) was the thank-you card that was a Vistaprint photo collage and a printed "thank you for coming to our wedding." Nothing personal was written on it at all, and I was pissed. 

I got a thank you for a baby shower we went to once.  The couple was late to the shower, for one.  Didn't open the gifts at the shower, which big picture I actually don't care all that much about.  BUT if you don't open my gift while I'm there, then thank me for the actual gift I gave you.

They waited until the baby was born and sent out a postcard picture with a generic "Thanks for coming to our shower and the gift!" on it. 

And a baby shower is a much tamer, simpler event than a wedding.  If that annoyed me over a shower, I know I would have been pissed over a wedding! 

I could have accepted the pre-printed aspect of it if they had at least put pen to paper and written a personal message too.

[renna]

We just went to a young relative's wedding. There was no RSVP card or website or email or phone number. I guess we were supposed to hand write a note to say we were coming? Smoke signal? Carrier pigeon?

I told the bride at the shower that we were attending the wedding. Her way of keeping track was they had ordered food for 200 people and she was counting backwards from that? Something like that. I guess in her mind the formula worked. When I mentioned we would be attending she said "Oh! I meant to put some kind of RSVP card in there but I didn't get it done!" ahahahaha

Millenials!

I will say the wedding was very sweet and the food was excellent, and both the bride and groom were so appreciative of everybody coming. That made up for all the boneheadedness about the RSVP.

[BlondeSpiders]

I went to another wedding last weekend, and....hoo boy.

The wedding was for my mother's step granddaughter, so I guess that would make her my step niece? She's about 15 years younger than me.

She didn't contact me to get my address for the invitation, even though we have texted each other. She sent it to my mom's house. No RSVP, just a Vistaprint-style printed card with a bit on the back about "we already live together and don't need anything, so please give us money!" (I'm sensing a terrible trend here.)

She and her family are a little country, so I knew it wouldn't be an elaborate affair. Lovely, teary ceremony with lots of family. She has an 8 year old from a previous relationship, and a lot of the ceremony included the 3 of them. It was so sweet.

Reception time comes around and we head to the tables. On every place setting is a cloth bag printed with the B&G's names, and is filled with candies with printed wrappers, 2 beer koozies and rubber bracelets. The tables are filled with extra candies, and little glass hearts with their names engraved on them. The centerpiece? 4 goldfish in what looked like a 6" bowl. All the goldfish were surfacing and sucking at the air, because that's way too many fish for such a small bowl. I ended up positioning my favor bag so it blocked the fish because it made me so sad to look at them. All I could think about was, "Someone's gonna get real drunk and swallow these fish on a dare." And what happens to them afterwards? You can't easily take them home, so they'll probably get dumped in a lake somewhere. If they're lucky.

I won't even get into the food, because it makes me sound like a petty bitch. I just wish they'd eschewed all the favors and spent that money on more food. There was a limited open bar, so that was nice.

epilogue: my sweetie and I will have been together for 6 years on May 4th, and we have talked about getting married someday. We've both been there before, so we're not in a hurry. He just told me last night that he's sad I don't want a big wedding, or that I'm so concerned with the cost that I'll just make us go to the JoP. He was married at 20 with a quickie wedding that the parents paid for. I married at 30 and we paid for the entire thing ourselves. $12K for 75 people, which was pretty reasonable in 2004. I know it would be at least double that now, and I don't want to shell out that kind of money for a pretty princess day! He didn't get to do the big wedding so he feels he's missing out.
I did tell you, "you know that everyone will be paying attention to me, right? The bride gets all the attention." He looked grumpy at me so I suggested he wear the dress instead. Needless to say, he was not amused.

[dorothyinAus]

Apr 25, 2016 17:47:37 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

epilogue: my sweetie and I will have been together for 6 years on May 4th, and we have talked about getting married someday. We've both been there before, so we're not in a hurry. He just told me last night that he's sad I don't want a big wedding, or that I'm so concerned with the cost that I'll just make us go to the JoP. He was married at 20 with a quickie wedding that the parents paid for. I married at 30 and we paid for the entire thing ourselves. $12K for 75 people, which was pretty reasonable in 2004. I know it would be at least double that now, and I don't want to shell out that kind of money for a pretty princess day! He didn't get to do the big wedding so he feels he's missing out.
I did tell you, "you know that everyone will be paying attention to me, right? The bride gets all the attention." He looked grumpy at me so I suggested he wear the dress instead. Needless to say, he was not amused.

Have a surprise wedding.  Invite everyone to a party and then get married -- best of both worlds.  You get the celebration without the huge wedding expense.

[BlondeSpiders]

Apr 25, 2016 17:58:22 GMT -5 dorothyinAus said:

Apr 25, 2016 17:47:37 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

epilogue: my sweetie and I will have been together for 6 years on May 4th, and we have talked about getting married someday. We've both been there before, so we're not in a hurry. He just told me last night that he's sad I don't want a big wedding, or that I'm so concerned with the cost that I'll just make us go to the JoP. He was married at 20 with a quickie wedding that the parents paid for. I married at 30 and we paid for the entire thing ourselves. $12K for 75 people, which was pretty reasonable in 2004. I know it would be at least double that now, and I don't want to shell out that kind of money for a pretty princess day! He didn't get to do the big wedding so he feels he's missing out.
I did tell you, "you know that everyone will be paying attention to me, right? The bride gets all the attention." He looked grumpy at me so I suggested he wear the dress instead. Needless to say, he was not amused.

Have a surprise wedding.  Invite everyone to a party and then get married -- best of both worlds.  You get the celebration without the huge wedding expense.

I would love to do that. I think he'd feel a little cheated though.

[sparkythelawyer]

Apr 15, 2016 17:32:38 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

Not an old, but wanted to give you some hope for the future :-)

My May 2013 wedding had effing PERFECT invitations.  Complete with the little pieces of tissue paper, good card stock, mostly traditional writing, etc.  My mom was a HUGE wedding invitation snob, and since she passed and I was planning this wedding without her this was the one thing I felt I had to do perfectly.  And they.  Were.  Perfect.

And they cost more than my wedding dress.  But still.

OH!  And our thank you notes were clean stationery in a cream color with our monogram imprinted onto the front (like a raised seal?) and nothing else.  And I still use them as my stationery. And our handwritten thank you notes went out PROMPTLY.  Once I got back from my honeymoon I had a goal of 10 a day.

[BlondeSpiders]

Apr 26, 2016 12:28:13 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Apr 15, 2016 17:32:38 GMT -5 BlondeSpiders said:

Not an old, but wanted to give you some hope for the future :-)

My May 2013 wedding had effing PERFECT invitations.  Complete with the little pieces of tissue paper, good card stock, mostly traditional writing, etc.  My mom was a HUGE wedding invitation snob, and since she passed and I was planning this wedding without her this was the one thing I felt I had to do perfectly.  And they.  Were.  Perfect.

And they cost more than my wedding dress.  But still.

OH!  And our thank you notes were clean stationery in a cream color with our monogram imprinted onto the front (like a raised seal?) and nothing else.  And I still use them as my stationery. And our handwritten thank you notes went out PROMPTLY.  Once I got back from my honeymoon I had a goal of 10 a day.

This is so perfect it makes me teary. You're doing God's work, lady. <sniffle>

[CrazyLucky]

Apr 17, 2016 11:02:18 GMT -5 10nille said:

I've actually gotten thank yous written by the groom. My son wrote out the thank yous to his side of the family and friends. On the other hand, there have been couples who haven't acknowledged a gift in any way, not even an email to say we received the gift.

sweetcheeks your cartoon is my sentiments!!

I've been married 12 years and my mom still tells me how lucky I am that DH helped with the thank yous.  F that.  The gifts weren't just for me.  Of course he should be writing half of them!