Dealing with Feeling Lonely

[brittkat]

Hi -- I'm new to posting here, but I have lurked on the old Nest board and here many times. 

I've been separated from H for almost 6 months now. Our marriage was pretty awful for the past several years, so I honestly feel like it's been longer than that in my head. In my state we have to wait a year to get a divorce because we have 2 children. We had our first child young (I was 20) and we married at 23. I have been with him since I was 18 and am now 30 - so a HUGE chunk of my young adult life. I made the decision to leave and do not regret it for even a second. I feel like I have a chance for a fresh start and it's nice because I actually know what things I want and do not want. 

So lately, especially when he has the kids, I have just been dealing with feelings of anxiety about being alone. It's crazy, I know. I should be able to be alone, but I am so used to having someone in my life that I just have this horrible fear of living alone forever. I know it sounds silly, but I'm hoping some of you have also dealt with this. I try to keep busy when the kids are gone, but sometimes it's hard. My friends are all married/paired up and it just gets lonely. I think I'm going to start volunteering somewhere. I recently went on a few dates with this guy I liked spending time with, but he turned out to be a jerk. I'm not even looking for a serious relationship or anything! I guess I just miss little things like someone caring how my day went and little texts and kissing and being able to call someone randomly. Is that silly? I know I need to work on this and being comfortable without having that companionship; I'm just not sure how. And every time I think about it I feel anxious again about being alone forever. 

So any tips on getting over this? I'm hoping it's a normal stage in this process. 

[bg]

Yep, in my experience is it normal to feel the way you do. Like you said, you've become accustomed to having a person there -- even if you know they aren't the right person for you.

Therapy definitely helps dealing with all of these types of emotions/feelings. And for me, just sitting with my discomfort has helped me be more ok with these feelings. It's a super uncomfortable, crappy feeling but just acknowledging it and being there with it helps it get better in a way. I'm not sure if that makes sense... Keeping busy certainly does help too -- surround yourself with other types of support in the form of family and friends and activities. But don't avoid the feelings.

Also, another thing I keep telling myself is that fear/anxiety aren't necessarily based on reality. We have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or who we're going to meet tomorrow. And with family/friends etc you definitely won't be alone forever (although I totally get they don't fill the same role as a romantic partner). Fear is a liar. I repeat that to myself periodically.

ETA: Becoming more 'ok' with being alone will help you be a better partner in the future, I think...

[itsmyparty]

I am dealing with this myself, so I don't have much in the way of advice for you but wanted you to know that you're not alone (even though you feel like you are). I was with my husband for about the same amount of time as you, and though I'm a little older (38), it's tough when someone who was a part of our life for so long is suddenly gone from it altogether. And I understand the bit about the married friends, too; I recently moved to a different place because I realized I couldn't build my new life around my old friends who are married with kids and have their own busy lives (I mean, they'll always be my friends, but they don't seem to make time for their friends these days...it all goes to family).

I think volunteering is great, and if you can join some MeetUp groups or things like that it will probably help you, too. I am working on this now.

[marylennox]

I don't really have any advice, just commiseration as I'm dealing with it too. The weird thing is, I really do like alone time. I used to enjoy being by myself and doing nothing a lot. Now I find myself feeling lonely and like I need to keep busy. I've realized I was very codependent in my marriage so I'm really trying to work on being content by myself and not needing another person. But yeah, I do get lonely. I'm kind of just trying to face it head on and embrace it. Very helpful, I know lol. But you're not alone in this feeling. Which is helpful to remind myself too.

[brittkat]

Apr 26, 2016 11:52:39 GMT -5 bg said:

Also, another thing I keep telling myself is that fear/anxiety aren't necessarily based on reality. We have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow, or who we're going to meet tomorrow. And with family/friends etc you definitely won't be alone forever (although I totally get they don't fill the same role as a romantic partner). Fear is a liar. I repeat that to myself periodically.

ETA: Becoming more 'ok' with being alone will help you be a better partner in the future, I think...

This actually really did help me in a way. I am going to start saying that to myself, too. It is completely true that we never know what is going to happen tomorrow or next month or even five minutes from now. It puts my fear in a different perspective for sure. 

I think I am going to go talk to a counselor as well just to get some of my feelings out. I bottle them up sometimes because I don't want to annoy my friends/family, but it'd be nice to have someone to just listen. 

[housewife]

We have very similar situations (30, married young, 2 kids, 1 year wait).

I think how you're feeling is totally normal. The years that lots of people are dating around, living on their own, graduating and kick starting their careers were spent learning to be someone's Mom and wife. It's weird to wake up and be like "wow, I am 30 and have no idea what I like." I feel like it's something you see with recently retired or empty nesters - they spent so much time career focused or child rearing that all of sudden they are midlife trying to remember what they did before.

I got a little bit of a head start on this while married when I started therapy for anxiety and self worth issues. I do things I wouldn't normally have done before. I'll go to a park and walk around or read a book. If I want to go grab a drink, I do it, no girlfriends needed. I talk to strangers (obviously only the ones with cool vans and free puppies inside). I will admit I have thrown myself more into work, which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing, but it does have the potential to be. I tell myself that being happy alone will make me a better partner in the future and I really do believe it.

[brittkat]

Apr 26, 2016 12:15:38 GMT -5 housewife said:

We have very similar situations (30, married young, 2 kids, 1 year wait).

I think how you're feeling is totally normal. The years that lots of people are dating around, living on their own, graduating and kick starting their careers were spent learning to be someone's Mom and wife. It's weird to wake up and be like "wow, I am 30 and have no idea what I like." I feel like it's something you see with recently retired or empty nesters - they spent so much time career focused or child rearing that all of sudden they are midlife trying to remember what they did before.

I got a little bit of a head start on this while married when I started therapy for anxiety and self worth issues. I do things I wouldn't normally have done before. I'll go to a park and walk around or read a book. If I want to go grab a drink, I do it, no girlfriends needed. I talk to strangers (obviously only the ones with cool vans and free puppies inside). I will admit I have thrown myself more into work, which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing, but it does have the potential to be. I tell myself that being happy alone will make me a better partner in the future and I really do believe it.

YES! I think you wrapped my feelings up there. I feel so disjointed in a way. Most of my married friends just recently started having kids or don't yet. Or they have only been married a few years. It's impossible for them to relate to me and understand my situation, which is understandable, but then just leaves me feeling more lonely. I kind of skipped over that whole party/date around/fun 20's period in my life and grew up fast. I never had the opportunity to do things on my own before marriage. 

I need to get better at doing things alone and going places without someone. I would love to just go see a movie by myself or go to a museum or something alone without feeling awkward. I have gotten more comfortable talking to strangers (I'll work my way up to the ones in the vans giving out free candy) and that has helped my confidence level a bit. 

I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in this crazy journey.

[doriswe]

I remember very clearly how anxious I was the first few weekends when XH had DS after he moved out. I was sick, couldn't sit still, couldn't shut my brain off and couldn't concentrate on anything. I had no idea what to do with myself and I felt like I was a burden to my coupled friends, so I didn't reach out to them because I thought "why in the world would they want to spend time with me when they have their happy lives to live." Those were painfully long weekends.

And then, with time, it started getting easier and I started to look forward to having some me time. I went to movies, ran errands solo, slept in, cleaned and made plans with my friends who totally wanted to spend time with me.

Hang in there...it does get better but it takes time to adjust to your new norm.

[1confused1]

Ditto everyone that what you are feeling is normal.

I'm 4 years out and I have learned, when my kids are with their dad, I have to either plan to do nothing (cocktail and a movie on my couch) or plan to do something (get together with friends, go out to eat alone, go to a movie alone).

Like someone said, it does take some practice. The first time I went out and got a glass of wine alone was so empowering (that sounds silly, but it was), I sat at the bar and talked to everyone around me, it was so fun!

Hang in there, it will get easier.

[Linie]

Could you join a class? I went back to study Italian, and I have made good (female) friends there. It would also fill an evening/morning/afternoon.

In the beginning, I started to watch shows and movies on Netflix so that I didn't have to think about being alone - and I don't have children.

It will get easier.

[doglove]

This is pretty normal, I experience it even without children. Volunteering and community activities are a great way to fill up time that add to you and your interests. Like 1confused1 I usually have to plan in my head how the weekend is going to go either with activities or it's going to be a lazy night on the couch to get my mind to accept what's going to happen. I often try to plan small windows of time doing things like volunteering, meeting a friend for lunch/drink or a walk, exercise, etc. to get out of the apartment for a bit and find that helps too. It does get easier the more you learn to sit with that uncomfortable feeling.

[greysgirl]

It does get easier. Exh only takes ds for a few hours at a time and I remember feeling so lost when ds was gone but ditto the person that said now, years later, I really look forward to my alone time.