Needs vs Wants in a relationship?

[ea32217]

After being with my H for almost 10 years, I am SO. He is a wonderful man, but not the right man for me.

I want to create a Needs vs Wants list, and continue to fine tune it. When I am ready to date again, I want to be able to refer to this list and NOT SETTLE.

I have a nice solid list of "needs", but not any "wants". I'm curious to know if you've done this exercise before, and if so, what are your needs vs wants?

[cuddlyevil]

Think about what you want him to do that he doesn't or won't do.

What makes you think he's not the right man for you?

Are you in therapy?

[ea32217]

Apr 30, 2016 16:33:55 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Think about what you want him to do that he doesn't or won't do.

What makes you think he's not the right man for you?

Are you in therapy?

Yes, have been going to therapy for awhile now.

[pandora]

I've always looked at it more as a Needs and a Nice to Have, LOL. Emotionally supportive, emotionally mature, mutual attraction, sense of humor, work/life ethic, able to open up easily, discuss, empathize and compromise, loyal, values family (and me), good hygiene (you laugh!) - things like that are all NEEDS/MUST HAVES but a NICE TO HAVE is that he's handy around the house. If that makes sense.

I've written things down when I'm contemplating leaving a relationship in the past or just coming out of one as a tool in learning from what I over looked or chose to ignore.

[cuddlyevil]

When I was in therapy, a lot of why I was there was figuring out what I wanted and if I could have that in my marriage. The more I talked, the more I found that I couldn't expect it from my husband because he wasn't interested in serving in that capacity.

[jenstar]

I haven't done this before, although I've thought a lot about what to look for next time. I would probably consider stuff that's not a dealbreaker as wants. Like, I'd like someone who I can go do fun, active outdoor things with but at the end of the day it's not a dealbreaker if they're not that way inclined. If they meet my needs list (basically what pandora listed) then it would kinda be a bonus I guess.

I'm not sure if that makes much sense!

[cuddlyevil]

My needs:
Respect
Trust
Good listener
Encourages and challenges me
Can hold a conversation
Independent (e.g. can function without me)
Intelligent
Pays attention to me

Wants:
Nice eyes
As geeky as me
Doesn't judge my weird hobbies
Has musical ability

[itsmyparty]

I really should do this, too, just to keep me accountable. What I've realized in the course of my separation/divorce is that a lot of things I thought were "wants" were actually needs. For instance, I used to think that since "actions speak louder than words" I just needed someone that showed me they loved me - in who knows what ways - even if they rarely/never said it; to my surprise, that's not gonna do it for me - I need to hear those words from someone.

[pandora]

Apr 30, 2016 23:53:58 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

I really should do this, too, just to keep me accountable. What I've realized in the course of my separation/divorce is that a lot of things I thought were "wants" were actually needs. For instance, I used to think that since "actions speak louder than words" I just needed someone that showed me they loved me - in who knows what ways - even if they rarely/never said it; to my surprise, that's not gonna do it for me - I need to hear those words from someone.

This reminds me of the 5 Love Languages book. I loved that book and found it so helpful. I wished that I had read it BEFORE getting married as I would have been so much better prepared and less naive. I think we both would have benefited from it in our 1st year.

[cuddlyevil]

Apr 30, 2016 23:53:58 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

I really should do this, too, just to keep me accountable. What I've realized in the course of my separation/divorce is that a lot of things I thought were "wants" were actually needs. For instance, I used to think that since "actions speak louder than words" I just needed someone that showed me they loved me - in who knows what ways - even if they rarely/never said it; to my surprise, that's not gonna do it for me - I need to hear those words from someone.

Oh, you reminded me of another one!

I need someone who will back up their words with action (basically if they say they're going to do something that they actually do it).

And someone who has paid enough attention to me that he knows what I will enjoy.

[FormerlyRR]

I feel like my needs are simple. My love languages are physical touch and acts of service. So I need that, I also need to be listened to, respected, need honesty, intelligence, varied interests, and he must get along with my family at least a little bit.